Of a Different Kind of Need

I'm feeling t3h depressed again.

Why this uninteresting, unsuprising depression you ask?

Well, it's my life really.

It's boring.

When I look at my friends' blogs, journals and WPs, I feel... So incredibly left out.

All I ever do or WANT to do every day is to just laze around and play games on my PSP.

I hate 'work'.

I hate having to sit in an office 8 hours a day staring at a computer screen doing things I get so awesomely bored at to get money and to be labeled as 'a contributing citizen'.

I envy those people who are in the jobs that they are thoroughly enjoying so much.

Find a job that I want to do? Yeah, well, that kinda thing doesn't have a market in Malaysia. In fact, it's so horrible here that those people only do it as a part time and have an actual full-time office job.

GAWD my life is boring.

Why is my life boring? Why can't it vibrant and fun like other people's? Why can't it be filled with pictures of fun times, photos of laughter, memories of joy?

My 'fashion sense' is boring. The clothes that I wear are awesomly boring and the same. So many clothes I'd love to try out, but they're all girls' clothes; ie. not something I can actually wear and not be labeled as a 'mental problem'. Then again I understand the limits of my gender, and thus have to live with it. But I want a change in my outlook.

I want a change. I want a change in my look, my character, my outgoing, my pasttime, my job...

I want a change in my entire life.

Work for it.

Yeah that's what everyone says. Sadly for me, I'm unmotivated to work for it.

I just don't have this thing called 'self motivation' that drives some people to the very top.

It just doesn't work that way for me.

I try and try and try. But it just doesn't work. I don't get the hype, the feel, the blood pumping; I don't get the adrenaline and the urge to move by motivating myself.

I'm not like you, who can.

Yeah, you're right. So in the end, it's just my problem. I'm an idiot who can't help myself be who I want to be.

And that brings me nowhere. I'm back to square one.

So what's the point of this entire post again?

The point was to hope that someway somehow, someone out there who still reads my blog (I caount 2 people... ahaha... Don't worry you guys, I love you. Seriously. As in I love you friends. Not some other manner. >_>) would send me a message so motivating that it would motivate me into moving without stopping.

That's the thing. Once I get it going, I can keep it going myself. Starting is always the hardest, eh? The starting failures also... ah never mind.

See, I already know my the answers to my problems. No one needs to tell me them. I've always been able to figure out the answers to my problems n my own all this time.

It's just... It gets really lonely.

And sometimes... I just wish that someone would surprise me in giving me an answer that they wouldn't normally give.

Like one of my blogreaders suddenly being awesomely nice when I TALK to the person.

Seriously. You can give really encouraging and uplifting messages, emails and SMSes. Ones that are really... unexpected, and can seriously make me cry on the spot. But when I talk to you on the phone, it just bites like hell. lol.

Anyway, it's getting really late. And Arien needs to eat.

Poor girl, taking a bath for the first time in her life. Must've scared the heck outta her ahaha.



So...

Gnite guys.


God...

I guess the first thing I need to change

is my spiritual life.

I need to change God.

If I don;t...

I don't even deserve to live.

There would be no point in living. I'd be a hindrance and a nuisance to everyone I know.

If I'm not one already.

God...

My spirit is willing, but my heart isn't.

Even if it's against the will of my body and heart

please change according to what you want me to be

please.

I don't want to go on like this...



Gnite guys.

God loves you, and so do I.

Might this be the end?

It's been a while since I've posted. Truth be told, I don't feel like posting here anymore. A certain someone seems to have found my blog, and I have not the least bit of interest in this person reading through my intimate entries at all. Suffice to say that in all my years of living, this person would be the 2nd person I could very well truthfully and sincerely admit that I hate.

But let's not go there. I come to post today, because of an uncertainty in my heart.

I've just only read through a few testimonies about God being good to His people.

I'm sure you all know about people praying to God and God answering their prayers, be it of a sizeable magnitude or a seedling's worth. They have been asked for, and given unto them.


In this person's testimony, the person acquired something that was not due for the person. While the person had been subjected to an unfair state of being forgotten and by-passed whether by intention or by mistake, the person was given a post, which was meant to be rotational among fellow people, and was made so for the rest of the year (the rotational post was the one that somehow bypassed this person).

Then at the end of the year, a certificate was issued for this person, stating that a slightly higher position had been entrusted to her (instead of assistant, the certificate said it was the leader's position). After explaining the situation, a transfer who had been holding another position months before had returned and held the position stated in her certificate. But because that transfer had a different position before, he was given a cert for that position, while the testifying received the cert for the 'leader's position.

While one would certainly be joyful about it, I can't help but wonder; is that the right way to do things?

While certainly the stupidity and moronisity of mankind comes into question almsot every day of life, is it alright to give someone a cert stating that they have achieved something; the same something which they had not? Is it alright to be awarded for something one did not do? Does one's conscience not do a double flip one one is praised for something that is owed to someone else?

While yes I agree that it happens plenty in the world, but for one who prays to the same God I put my trust and faith on, is that anywhere near acceptable?

The same way goes for prizes and medals. Is it really alright to pray to win a medal or a competition? While I would understand praying for a good memory, a bright mind and a good eye during exams to spot out questions and to answer them because one has asked God to help them stay bright and awake, and to have a good fresh memory to remember all that they have learnt before... Is it the right thing to do to pray to win a competition?

I understand if one is heavily burdened by financial problems, and winning a competition would give them a sufficient cash prize to serve their needs; in that circumstance I would consider it acceptable to pray to win.

But when personal satisfaction is the only thing one longs for, would praying for a win really be considered an acceptable prayer at all? If one has worked hard for it, then I believe one should pray for God's will to be done. And while winning would be exhilarating for one's self, losing would not mean the end of the world, and one should take that as God's way of telling "it's not something I want for you". Praying for a win is...

Not understandable. Not for me.

But

Some months ago, my mom asked me to pray for my sister, She would be entering some exam-quiz-competition thing in her school, and she had studied up for it. My mom asked me to pray for her to win the competition. With my understanding, I said I would not, for what sense is there if one prays to win when one doesn't deserve to? I believe that one should pray for God to bring the utmost best in them, and if winning the competition is within reach AND is God's will, then by all means. So I did exactly what I said I would do. I prayed for her to remember all her studies, prayed for a fresh and awake mind, prayed for her to be smart doing her exams, and for God to just bring the best that she can do out of her, that she would do to the best of her abilities.

She didn't win. My mom told me about it during dinner one day after the results were out. I counterjected that perhaps she forgot her studies, but my mother said that my prayer had worked. She remembered all her studies, remembered all her previous work, and had done the exam to her utmost best of capabilities that her current state had to offer. But she still did not win. She just wasn't good enough. The dejected look on my sister's face broke my heart, and in a male-ego manner, I flatly put it that she didn't study hard enough for it, and walked off.


I hate my memories and my brain. All these things that haunt me, all these images that torture my mind, my emotions and test my sanity appear at the times when my mind is not preoccupied. It wears me down to constantly pull up a straight face against them. Feelings of regret, of guilt, of depression, of hatred, all these negative emotions, bottled up in me, seem to tease and taunt me from within the jar that I have kept them in. While they cannot escape and attack me directly, they constantly make sure to use every means to get at me. Why do you think I hate it so much when people disturb my gaming? Why do you think I even game so incessively for? Why do you think I refuse to offer an explanation as to why I play so many games, and refuse to stop?

I guess I need prayer. No, I KNOW I need prayer. Healing and deliverance. Forgiveness. Maybe even exorcism. I've been holding back that random urge to strike up one of Lei WuLong's animal martial arts poses. I've heard of a friend who went through exorcism and did a bunch of strange chinese martial arts poses, when he himself had never studied them. I'm afraid that might happen. I'm afraid to know that I'm possessed. I probably am, but am probably too proud to want to admit that I could be sbjected to that.


Anddddd I've strayed from the tpoic.

WEll, at least I got that off my chest. Now to get it off my shoulders... ahaha...

And hey, Ben, if you ever read this, don't you ever dare become like me alright? I'll bash the senses into you if you ever do. Live your own life man lol :P (random I know but w/e ahaha I wudn't be Brian if I weren't random)


God

Why don't I dare to?
Why can't I give up what I know and understand, for You?

If having amazing tearful ecstasy means you shoot everything, laugh fantastically.

My emotions are a mess, my thoughts are in chaos and I'm at a loss for what to do.

To cut it short, I'm probably really REALLY disappointed with myself.

Probably. I don't know.

So instead of a post, here's something I really really like atm.

It feels so good to rock it out by yourself in your car with the stereo system blasting away. Lost in your own world, no one can hear what's going on, and you don't have to care about disturbing anyone or the strange stares you may get from passers-by. And the sore throat and screaming your lungs out to the extent that you can barely speak the next day just feels so fulfilling.

Probably why I love driving.

~~~

Casting Crowns - American Dream



All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy
But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul
But he's moving on full steam
He's chasing the American dream
And he's gonna give his family finer things

“Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play”
And then he slips into his new BMW
And drives farther and farther and farther away

Cause he works all day and tries to sleep at night
He says things will get better;
Better in time

[Chorus]
So he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

Well his American Dream is beginning to seem
More and more like a nightmare
With every passing day
"Daddy, can you come to my game?"
"Oh Baby, please don't work late."
Another wasted weekend
And they are slipping away

'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night
He tells them things are getting better
Just take a little more time

[Chorus]
So he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"
But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end
I'll take a shack on the rock
Over a castle in the sand

Now he works all day and cries alone at night
It's not getting any better
Looks like he's running out of time

[Chorus]
'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands
And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you

~~~~

Oh yeah, the title reminds me of the titles I read from Hayate the Combat Butler. But it's a coded message. See if you can figure it out, it's the most basic of secret codes. :)

A Call and Promise in Times of Need

I've just had a very, VERY exhilarating day. Is that the right spelling?

Why's that you ask?

Because... I believe I was... Useful. Hopefully. In the way that I want to be.



Basically me, AM and CSI CSY got together to have a little supper and chatted for a while. We chatted about plenty of random stuff haha... (felt a bit like a lamppost lol... But can't blame them since they're old friends getting together after a while kinda thing, so I guess I was alright with that. I mean hey, I'm driving two hawt girls around xD And yes AM and CSY, if you're reading this, I still think you're both hawt >_> and no it's not creepy -___-;; I'm just a guy, I have hormones 8D)

Anyway, after that I sent AM home, and sent CSY back. But we stayed in the car and chatted until like... 2.07am (yeah, it's still THAT fresh in my mind lol).

I guess it was a refreshing chat. Exchanging information, getting to know a bit more about her, sharing a bit more about myself...


But I guess it was... Exhilarating (not the right word too use.. more like really satisfying?) because...

Well, because I could function as the friend that I wanted to be, for her.

I guess I've said it plenty before, but I'll still say it again. I want to be there for my friends, when they need someone. If I'm the first or last resort, it doesn't matter. I want to help, with anything, with all that I can do, for my friends.

In this case, it was lending a listening ear. I know that there's a possibility she'd say that she already told some other friends, and that she's not really ranting and all, and that it was pointless or any of that sort of thing... But whatever it was, I'm glad that I could lend an ear (and some hopefully USEFUL thoughts and advice) to her. I guess I did feel a bit special back there (eheheh... sorry ><) but it felt good. It felt like I was really doing something worthwhile. It felt that just by lending an ear, I was doing something that I could really smile about. As if I had achieved part of my purpose in life.

Well it could just be me getting ahead of myself... But it doesn't matter, does it? What matters to me, is that I've done all I could for her for that moment, and I'm glad I did what I could. I'm glad that (hopefully) she feels a little better after that.


And CSY, didn't it feel better after getting that off your chest? Even if it didn't, doesn't it feel better to know that someone cares about the random nonsense that you go through, that someone cares about you? I know now that you have a problem about getting close, and I'm willing to help you bridge that problem and walk over it. Even if I'm to be your stepping stone, as your friend, I WANT to be that stepping stone, so that you'll grow more. Trust me, I know how it feels to be insecure about things, and I myself don't have that kind of trust with people. But I know that it hinders you from having a more beautiful life, and I don't want that. What I meant before about "having lots to work on you", was this. I want to help you slowly take apart that inner wall, brick by brick, and slowly lead you into the light, where you can find it in yourself to share, and to get closer. It doesn't have to be with me, and it doesn't have to be done by me. As long as I know that you've reached there, I'll be glad for you all the same. And I'll ALWAYS gladly hear out your rants, should you ever need a listening ear. Okay? I promise. :)

And about that someone's position... Even if she IS dooming herself, doesn't that make it all the more important to be with her and supportive in case she actually does? If she is already edging herself to the cliff, wouldn't it be all the more important for us as friends to be there for her, to be ready to grab her and pull her back up? I know that it's hard for you. Even if you say that you're over about it and you don't put any thought or emotion into it, your words and your tone was tinted with bitterness, and probably more of disappointment. But that's why I'm still being close, being around. She's a friend, and I don't want to just stand by and see her fall off without being able to do anything. I was once in a position to do something, but I faltered and found excuses. As a result, I was too late. It made me realise how stupid and careless I was to think that time lasts forever. As you already know, it's important and urgent. And as a friend who cares about her, I want to be there for her, if ever that need arises. I did what I did because I believed it would help her, in one way or another. Whether it is actually returned or not is not so much of an ordeal for me, because if she grows because of that, then that's all that really matters to me. Of course, it is in my best interest to remain friends with her. I don't plan to make any moves that may make her feel guilty in any way. But of course plans do fail, and I pray that God will oversee this entire matter, and in one way or another, clear the way for her back to Him, and hopefully gently guide her along that road once more.

It's hard for us to be 'friends' in that sense, if we give up on anyone. We don't have to always be evangelical, sometimes it just takes being an image of Jesus, being kind and caring to someone, through their lightest and darkest hours, that helps clear the image of Him in their eyes. I understand how hard it is sometimes, and there are just some people that I too am prejudice towards, and sometimes behave inappropriately. But we are only humans and we ask for forgiveness, then we pick ourselves up and try again, and learn more from Him. Because if we choose not to be the mirror that reflects His light onto their paths, sometimes it may never happen again for them, and they may fall forever into the darkness. I've... Been there before, and I don't want that to ever happen again.

Of course, I've got a long way to go. I can safely say that you're probably ahead of me in terms of spiritual walk, if there is even a way to measure it. I've been mellow and lukewarm on many different occasions, and have not been on fire and in passion for Him for a long time. But I hope that one day, I'll finally get it, and until then I'll do just what I can. And "when I can't cope, Jesus offers hope."

(and btw, yes it kinda hurt. Maybe you still didn't understand it, but yeah I guess I'm a bit too sensitive and I do feel the sting if it's done overly way too often all at once without rest. While I DID say the same thing about someone else, I know how bad it feels, that's why I don't intentionally tell it to anyone. I'm still a guy, and a guy needs his ego for self-confidence. While too much is bad, too little leads to insecurities. So yes crushing a guy's ego is good and all, but over-crushing it is bad. Especially for those who already lack self-confidence from the start. :) but like I said, I'm a bit too sensitive and it may be just me cuz I know you were just joking and all, but I thought you should know, because we're friends, and I trust you. ^_^)



And for all of you who're reading this post, if you know me, then you're a friend. And if you're a friend, I'll do my best to help you out with all my power, if it's possible for me. I do have loads of times where I'm unavailable to be there physically, and there are times when I just falter, or was in a bad mood (it'd have to be an extremely bad mood though) and mostly times when I try to help you to 'fix' things, or try to overwhelm with knowledge and stuff like that (and maybe sometimes try to force my 'religion and beliefs' into your face ><). But if you're willing to forgive me and need someone to talk to or help with ANYTHING at all, you probably have my number or e-mail address. And if you're reading this, there's always this blog to contact me. Whatever it is, I promise that I'll do my best to help you out, no matter what help you need, as long as it's within my capability to do so.

Oh, please try not to ask for money atm, I'm still broke from lending some friends a huge amount xD;; And Try NOT to ask for money at ANYTIME, cuz really, it's not really nice >< I mean I'll STILL lend you the money if I figure that you really DO need it (like need to pay a loan shark the full sum NOW and settle everything for good), then I will give what I can. But otherwise, it's really not nice to borrow a large sum from a friend just cuz you wanna buy a new shirt or something for long period of time ya? It's straineous on most friendships. I'm just saying don't make it a habit to go ask friends to lend you large sums. I may be fine with it, but other people may not be. Asking for a SOLUTION to money problems would work though :)


Alright, I need to go to sleep. Some goon that's going to Aus in 2 days is bugging me a lot about it, so I guess I'd better go before he bisings anymore <__>

So Goodnight guys!


God

I'm glad that I could be of use to your people, to your children. If I may be so bold, please do use me for the sake of Your children more. And in any way that You should choose to, if I may be usable at all.

It's probably what I was brought here to do, isn't it? :)

Good night, God.

The Day I Desire To Celebrate

Is the day that I dread living in.

Yeah, today was (well still is I guess ahaha) Father's Day. The day the whole of Earth acknowledges to acknowledge the hard work and dedication all fathers have put into providing and raising their families and kids.

I want to celebrate this day. Oh so badly in fact.

Because... I've never had a father.

One whom I can turn to when I'm having problems or questions about myself and things around me, one whom I can enjoy time with and laugh with...

One whom I can love and trust to lead and teach me to be a strong leader in the family that I may (and hopefully will) build in the future.

Oh yeah, I have a biological father. The man who provided the sperm that grew into this thing that's typing this blog right now. There's also the financial father, who provided money for me to survive by putting (some of the) food on the table and a roof over my head.

But... I don't have a FATHER father. I don't have a man whom I can lovingly hug and cuddle into (when I was younger at least), whom I can share interesting 'man' times with, whom I can discuss embarrassing secrets that I can't possibly tell my mom, whom I can approach about problems that I'm facing and expect a loving and caring and understanding answer...

I've got none of that.

I WANT to celebrate father's day. Because when I do, it means that I have that father. It means that I have the privilege of calling this man, my father, and be proud of him.

But I don't. I don't have that kind of a person in my life. My biological father was never there. My financial father would rather have me out of his life than anything else. Don't say that it isn't true mom, I have a very sharp ear, and I hear all the small and frustrated complaints that he has about every single aspect of my life. I can hear these things, and I know he doesn't want me around.

It doesn't matter whether that house is not strategic. The reason I want that house so badly, besides the fact that it's huge and probably cheap, is that I want to get away from here. As said before, the more I'm around him, the more bitter I grow each day. I have submitted more times than I can count, for the sake of this family, and for the sake of the Bible's commandments, to honour my father and my mother. But when he doesn't behave like my father, I feel that I have the right to dis-acknowledge him as my father.

Perhaps behaving strategically strict and sometimes mean towards my sister is part of a bigger plan to 'outdo' him. She already confessed to my mom that she loves our mother the most, and me her brother, the second. Her father only comes in third. Why is that, even though he gives her everything, and I'm strict and only lenient and free about 50% of the time? I notice myself that I'm strict with her very often, telling her to do her homework, practice her gym-rama sequences or doing her splits, uphold moral values and do house chores and other stuff like that. I guess I'm teaching her more in a father's position than a brother would. So why does she love me more?

Probably part of the psychological process I 'studied' up about family relations. I dunno. All I know is... It seems as if it's all part of my sinister plan to get back at him for treating me like that all these years; by making my sister love me more than him. While it really sounds and feels like sweet revenge... It's not right. I know it's not right.

But the line's drawn between using that as a motivation for these actions, and NOT using that as a motivation. It's either I'm doing it for that purpose, or I'm doing it just because I want to teach my sister well. Hey, seriously though, she listens to me, and disrespects him a lot.

*sigh* and that's why I dread this day. When people ask me what I'm getting for my father, I'm forced to reveal the dark and ugly side of my life. Me hating my stepfather. What kind of Christian hates their own father, even if it's their stepfather? I'm a horrible example of one, I'm sure. Being human and imperfect is no excuse.

I'm just waiting for the day that my sister starts coming to me to talk about personal problems. I want to share that kind of a relationship with her, even if it's about her physical self. Of course as her brother, I'd respond in a brotherly and matter-of-fact method regarding physical stuff. I can't be overly concerned, or it might be dangerous. As the 'father' of my sister, I'd want to share that kind of relationship with her. Cuz hey, I love her, and I want her to trust me fully. :)


Well... This has gone long enough. Time for me to close, and go to bed.

Dear God

Bless my blogreaders.

And God...

Do clean this mess in my life. I've tried enduring it, but the other party would not comply. As a result, I've gotten bitter and frustrated. Please, clear this part of my life. I too, want to celebrate father's day like a normal child.

It's the only thing (besides You) that's missing in my life.

Ah. eheh.

Good night.

Heartbreaking Moments

I stared at the screen and the keyboard for a while before typing out this post.

I'm just feeling so sad, disappointed and (the all too cliche) depressed that I don't even know where or how to begin this post.

Why is it that most of my posts are just plain depressive, some people have asked and/or complained.

It's because... That's my life.

Happiness and short-lived joy is there, oh yes there are times when these occurrences do happen.

But other than that, and other than the boring everyday normal routine part of my life...

It's sadness.


If it's too depressing to read my blog, then don't, please. I don't want to make people even more depressed.

It's not the way I view life, it's the way I feel. It's not that I'm purposely trying to view things in a saddened and negative way, it's the NORMAL way I see things that are happening or have happened to me.

I don't CHOOSE to be sad and depressed.

I just am... Because it's how I feel. I don't CHOOSE to feel this way, it's not within my control to WANT to feel happy or sad. Even if I DID want to see things in a more positive manner, it's not how I normally perceive things. I CAN, I'm not saying I can't, I CAN. It just doesn't strike me first on my mind regarding things about myself...

...

I don't even know what I was babbling about back there...



It was an important practice session for the FGA Performing Arts Department today. We were 'presenting' for the extras and the off-stage crew to let them get the general idea of the play, so that they could plan for their entry points and parts to play.

I was up as the main character, Joseph (son of Jacob, not the father of Jesus). We have 2 Josephs, and I was the one to play him today.

I thought I had done fairly well. I had been stressed and down throughout the week, thinking about my parts and my lines, my acting and my portrayal of the character. I admit I wasn't eating, living and breathing the character, that's just too much for me. But I DID put effort to think through my lines, to go through the parts of the play in my mind, mapping out my movements and feelings, facial expressions, and such.


Most of the cast didn't deliver well though. We got an earful from our director.

I stayed back after everything was over to have a chat with her. I wanted to ask about my performance today. I was feeling a little nervous because I felt that I had done better today.

She had a long long chat with our music director. So I waited and chatted with the music director's son while waiting.

When she was finally done...


...

I don't even know how to begin. Or say it for that matter.

To put it simply, in her eyes, I hadn't done ANYTHING AT ALL to work on my character portrayal. It was as if I had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL for the past week.

She was frustrated that I kept putting my head down, allowing my hair to get into my face, then brushing it aside. "Half of the entire performance, I see you doing just that" was what she said.

Fine I will admit, my hair WAS getting into my face. I guess I'll probably just spray it up the next time to make sure it doesn't get into my face ever again. (not that I said any of this, mind you).

Then came the part that I really felt hurt about.

She started exclaiming that "Hwaa, I'm in The Canticle Singers, I've been in Operafest, I've been performing for so so so many years, this is what I've done, and I'll accept it", 'imitating' me so to speak.

I have absolutely NO FRIGGIN IDEA where that came from, but I'm guessing she was trying to tell me that I came across as arrogant, filled with pride, and totally the opposite side of humble?

I didn't understand. I have never tried to even MENTION my 'superiority' in performing experience, neither have I ever used TCS as a grounds as to show that I've done more than anyone ever has. Yes I've said that TCS requires WAY more commitment than any of our church productions have ever had, but that was just as a comparison of the level of commitment the general cast has seemed to show. And these were merely private conversations, not ONCE have I ever mentioned that I've been in so many productions therefore what I think is right is the way things should be done; no I have never EVER said that.

I have NEVER EVER used my experience as a foothold to reason about things. As a comparison, yes, if need be, but I DO NOT use it as a way to tell people that I am superior in any manner.

IF ANYTHING AT ALL, I have REFRAINED from talking about my past experience entirely.

So why, WHY did she have to say that?

and it wasn't once or twice, or even three times, but MANY TIMES did she 'imitate' that.

And it hurt me.

It hurt me very, very deeply.

Even if she ever says that it wasn't personal, THAT ITSELF was a PERSONAL ATTACK directed RIGHT at me.

It hurt.

So badly.

No, that was not who she was before. Before, yes she was stern and strict. But no matter what, she was still sensitive, and understood people's FEELINGS.

This is nowhere NEAR that.


The reason why I cannot work to make myself better than the other person playing Joseph, is because I believe that isn't the right way to do about things.

If this were an outside production, then yes, I will push myself to compare and compete with anyone else casted into my role as well. That would be competition, and in a competition, I will strive to be better than my rival.

But this is different. He isn't my rival, he's my friend, casted alongside me to bring this production into fulfillment, with God backing us BOTH. There is NOTHING to compete about, the only pushing is to push ourselves to make ourselves better to reach the audience, and to do better for God.

I fight with myself a lot, trying to push away the thoughts of "Am I doing better than he is? What can I do to outdo him in terms of this and that?". While it may be healthy competition, I know that I get jealous easily, and that's why I have to keep all thoughts of competition away. Because I cannot be jealous over how well he does certain things. He has his way, I have my way. We are both different people, we have our strengths and weaknesses. We may hold the same role, but our performance would be different, simply because we ARE different.

And yet... She strives so hard to compare us both together, talking about places where he does way better than I do.

I guess this is where being twins suck really bad, especially when you're the one who's on the lower end of the performance level.

I admit, there were parts where I wasn't thinking about what to do. I simply didn't know what to do. So I ended up stoning a little on the stage.

But I didn't want to do what the other Joseph does. He struts around the stage acting funny. My interpretation of a TEENAGER doesn't do that. To me, that's what little kids do. If you want me to act funny, sure I can. But it doesn't seem real to me at all, and truthfully I won't be feeling it. I would just feel like I'm acting stupid/silly on stage.



*sigh*

Either ways...

I'm not performing up to par.

I had been worrying myself the whole week, to the point of taking a muscle relaxant just to ease the tension down a little... Feeling stressed, afraid that I wouldn't perform up to standards again...

Short to say, I could point out many reasons as to why I didn't 'feel' certain scenes, places I WAS doing as she had instructed (but it seemed like she never took notice of me), places where I was doing what I was doing because of what circumstances from my thought process.

But it seemed that the more I tried to explain my thought process to let her know what I was thinking, the more it seemed to her that I'm trying to tell her what I'm doing is right and that I'm 'unteachable'.

I'm not trying to be 'unteachable', or trying to tell her what to do, or that I'm right! I'm just merely trying to explain why I did that, and to ask for a correction in my thought process, so that I can think it through again and act accordingly! I spoke in a slow, explaining manner, nothing NEAR an arrogant way of speech! I was trying my best to be humble, to explain that this is what my thought process brought through, so how do I work on it!

I was NOT being arrogant or prideful! I wasn't trying to be unteachable!


*heavy sigh*

I guess I can never ever try to explain why I do things ever again. I just wanted to know if there should be a correction in my thought process... but every time before I could finish explaining, I would be cut off and told off that I'm not doing it right...

It's getting very VERY tiring and emotionally stressful as well... The only reason why I didn't burst out crying in front of her was because I kept my silence, only nodding to certain sentences...


Feeling so emotionally drained now... I just want to cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning and cry some more...


And it's not that I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want to.

But whenever I need someone at these dreadfully sorrowful times...

Everyone's asleep...

And... I just can't find it in myself to be important enough to bother to wake people up just to rant and cry on... People need their sleep after all. I know they do.


Thank goodness I had already asked my usual friends out for a night of gaming. My focus being pulled entirely into playing the game, I could forget about everything for that brief moment, and let my emotions settle down...

I'm hurt.

I just want to bleed until I lose consciousness...

and watch the light slowly fade away...

Nobody would notice me being gone anyway...

Nobody outside my immediate family of course. I'm just not worth that much anyway. I can't even perform well in the thing I'm supposed to do best.




God...

Bless my blog readers.

Even if You choose to not be with me, please, be with those who still regard me as a person in their lives.

That... Is my most precious request.

Good night.

tired and breaking

hie

i'm tired, and my body's falling apart, i think

i'm not sick yet. though i really wish i would be just so sick that i couldn't get out of bed. it's been a while since i had that and i really want a break.

things have been stressful as of late. production in church is giving me the main stress... which is unbelievable that the stress i'm getting is wearing me down physically and emotionally.

i guess continually feeling that i've got close to zero talent in the thing i thought i could do the best is really the matter here. it may not be personal, but the words used are. i continually feel like i'm not doing enough, that i need to push myself to do more than i usually do.

it's good in a way. i haven't been pushed like this before, and it's great that i finally have to WORK to act well; to perform well.

but when i come home tired every day, finding little time even for myself, it gets really stressful. especially when you're handed more responsibilities and your management skills suck horribly.

i feel like i wanna just break down and cry.

but i can't.

i just can't.

if i said the reasons, i'd be told off. you don't understand. it's in the time, at this very moment. now. here.

all i need is 3 words. right now, right here. right next to me.

but circumstances tell that it won't and probably will never happen.

cuz it never happens when i'm with anyone. or the time is wrong.

i'll always be truthful. if i feel sucky, i'll say i feel sucky.

i just wish...

nah. wishful thinking. have to stop doing that and face the facts.

nobody stays close enough to drag me out for sudden random supper anyway. ahaha.

it's at times like these i really wish i had a sibling closer to my age. or even a twin. sister.

haha yeah, not over not feeling comfortable with guys yet. so it's a girl it's got to be. :P


anyway... muscle relaxant i took isn't working. i barely feel any less relaxed than before i took it. still i should go to bed.

oh, after i finish this Dynasty Warriors: Strike Force mission that I was halfway doing earlier. :P

Goodnight guys.


God...

Bless my blogreaders.

Good night.