Tranquil Invisibility

A Father's Love

2011-04-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

I was watching The Simpsons S03E06. The story was about Krusty the Clown, who did not receive the love of his father, and was disowned when he was very young, for pursuing the career of a clown (his father was a jewish rabbi and wanted him to be the same).

It was then that I felt it.

I cried.

I realised, after finishing the cartoon, that I lack that.

I wanted it.

A father's love.

I've never felt the love of a father. Never. Neither of my fathers (real and step) have been there for me as a father. Being a growing boy, I had no one to model myself after, no one to look up to, no one to aspire to be.

I grew up idol-less, and ambition-less. There was no one I wanted to become, no one I wanted to be like.

I grew up with individuality; cherishing it every step of the way. I took pride in wanting to become who I was, and not somebody else. I shunned those who sought to become like someone. I urged others to become a person of their own; to be special, someone nobody else ever could be. That was my inspiration. That was my source of motivation. That was how I motivated others. Be who you are, and carve your own path in history, that you may be forever known as who you are, and never like someone else.

But at the end, the losing one was still me. I had no one to guide me as I charted my course. I had no one to teach me to navigate the stars, or lower the sails. None to teach me to fish. All this, I had to learn on my own. There's only so much a mother can teach a son; and I don't mean that in any way that demotes my mom, she's done so much for me. But there are some things a mother can't teach a son. Like how to be a man. How to take charge of a family, and of his life.

I yearned for a father.

Make God my rolemodel?

Impossible.

God is perfection. He is God. He is everything, and I am nothing. How can I ever aspire to be anything like Him? It is a goal that will never be fulfilled, destination that was destined never to be reached.

And if I can never reach my goal...

How can I motivate myself to try?

Oh God...

I know You are, above all, my Father in Heaven.

But there is just such distance between us that... That only Jesus could have bridged.

And yet, Jesus is not here today.

I cannot embrace my Father in Heaven, feeling His warmth on my cheeks, and His arms around me.

I have not the faith to be able to see You, talk WITH You, and touch You whenever I wish to.

How then do I see You as my Father, who'll teach me what to do, as a man?

How then, will I ever be a father to my children, if the only thing my fathers in my life have done is abandon me?

I pray O Lord

Curse me that I will never be a father who could treat his children in such a bad way

or ever abandon them, ever.

If that should be a blessing, then I feel that I am not worthy. But if You will, please, bless me to never abandon or leave my children, or my wife. Or my family.

Bless me to love my wife as You would love Your wife: the church.

~~~~

Also God...

I'm afraid to take this any further.

I'm barely a friend to her. I barely know anything about her. And yet, I want to get into a relationship with her.

I don't know how to stop myself. When I talk to her, I get awkward. I keep asking her questions about herself; some private too. I'm NOT being a friend. I'm being a creepy stalker.

God, I'm incapable of making this work. Not by my capabilities, not by my abilities.

I believe that only YOU can make this work.

Should You want this to work.

She's Your child.

I'd like to try to get to know her more.

If You'll allow me, please give me Your consent, and your blessings. Please let me know.

Please let her know too...

I promise to do everything I can to make her happy.

I promise to take care of her in every way I know how.

I promise to never make her cry, unless it's important.

I promise to do my best to be as great a courtier, as You are.

I know that it's an impossible goal, but... For her, I could try. I'd risk the failure to try.

I... I promise to get to know You more too.

Please teach me to open up to You.

Goodnight God...

A Time Once Passed

2011-04-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

Behold I see a time once passed
of the life of a lady, so young and bright
Still wheels of time, which hers once passed
a dark dark secret, dark as night

Breathe passion, of love, of fire once burning
of a man, of life, and of future thought
Still did the man crush all her longing
a lifetime of 8, her sweat for naught

But yet she clung, this young lil maiden
to hope of future, of certain possibility
Still did the man sought to unburden
all forms of his responsibility

Behold t'was left, with nothing to hold
his empty promises vanishing to air
Still did she step on, with courage so bold
while crying inside, t'was too harsh to bear

Bearing his future, she was prepared
to love him unending, though he loved her not
Still did he break a heart so despaired
memories of love all had been forgot

But now I see this time once passed
uncertain I am to take this yoke
Still wheels of time, of hers once passed
Fear of killing her fire, the more I dare stoke

But let her such burdens fall unto me
through rain and hail would I carry
Still waters of her warmth, should I reach be
God and her willing, she would I marry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last stanza may be a bit too far-fetched for now.

But yes, I do feel her hurt.

The betrayal
the years of effort
the wasted tears
the..... the unbecoming

I feel so filled with emotions right now

so badly filled

I feel so guilty for even trying, without knowing how much she could be hurting right now. I could have brought back memories of pain, just because I tried.

And once again, I feel so sorry for her for having to go through such things, all because of the fact that men are men, and will always be only what they are capable of; being beings that hurt these wonderful creatures called women

Men can be such blardy idiots.

I feel so stupid right now. I could be hurting her beyond what she can handle.

I'm so overcome with empathy, I don't know what to do. I keep sighing, wishing I could do more to help her, to ease her.

To be her shoulder to cry on.

~~~~~~~

But right now, she seems happy. She may not have forgotten, but it seems she may have overcome most of it. There is that possibility she's hiding it; women are good at doing that.

Somehow though... Whenever I feel like we're talking to each other above the level of just being colleagues, she feels... A little distant.

Perhaps she's guarding herself.

I don't know.

This is so frustrating.

I'd like to embrace her and tell her that everything will be alright, everything will go on well, that God will always look after her.

But that's going too far. We barely know each other.

I'm gonna have to stuff it in for now. Oh, the agony! But to conserve our friendship, I must.

I must...

I will.

God

If she is still hurting right now, I ask that You'll comfort her and let her know you're there
If she feels guilty of what has happened, I ask that You'll let her know You'll forgive her, if she just asks
If she still feels bitter and betrayed, I ask that You'll cover her with Your love and let her know that You'll never forsake her

Let her know, the almight God of the heavens and the earth, loves and cares for her
And that she is precious in His sight.

Goodnight God.

Raining Down the Jagged Chimney

2011-04-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

I tried writing a poem for the start of this post, but i figured it would take too long, and besides being really tired I'm also having some stupid flu and need to rest. 1.30am... And I have work tomorrow! Hurray.

I made her cry...

Not in a bad way, but I guess she was touched with the superbly long sms I sent (7 msgs). She was having trouble at work and was depressed about going back to work tomorrow cuz she's probably gonna get a big shelling from her boss.

In my long 7 page sms, I basically sent a prayer to her. I prayed that God would remind her that He would be there for her, that no matter what happened, or what mistakes she made, He would always love and care for her. I asked Him to take her burden off of her, and teach her not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. I asked Him to soften her boss's heart, and let her off easier (long shot, but worth a try... ahaha). I asked Him to let her have a good rest, and wake up refreshed tomorrow.

And again I asked Him to remind her, that He would always be there for her.

She replied my message some time later. She said that she wept, and would focus on Him tonight, because He will never give her more than she can manage. She thanked me.

It was my turn to cry.

I have no idea why, but I cried. I shed tears from that message. I'm still feeling a little teary eyed right now.

I don't understand why. I've got a few theories, but none of them are gaining the full approval (or at least majority) of those 5 voices in my head. And since this is solely about me, none of them hold water in my court of decisions.

- I was touched by the message. But why would I be touched?
- I was happy that she would rest well tonight. But why is that? True, I have some feelings for her, but it's not enough to be THAT emotional. At least not on standard terms.
- I was glad that she acknowledged my sms, and was touched about it. I was glad that I touched her heart. Well yes I was glad, but is that enough to bring tears? I barely know her.

- I'm joyful that God used me to tell her He loves her, and that she accepted the message. Worth thinking about, but without proof. How do I know that message was not something I sent because I was hoping to impress her? I don't know myself. How can I justify myself?

- I was touched by the Holy Spirit, letting me know that I've done a good job in sending her that message. I wanted to catch up to her and pray for her as she left, but she was on the phone and I didn't want to disturb her. I guess it was better that I sent an sms instead of talking face to face; that might've been awkward. Getting touched by the HS meant that yes, God sent the message through me, and I acknowledged His 'command', and did what I should. So my insta-reward, was to let me know, through the HS, that I did good. Pat on head. Would like this to be real...

- I like her. And by knowing that she'll find strength in God to get through the night thanks to my message, made me cry. Cuz:
#1 - I have problems doing the same. OR
#2 - I'm happy cuz she's happy.

Oh well. Conjecture. 5 voices can be quite annoying too. Too many possibilities. Hard to make choices.

And I dunno, the 5 voices thing was coined by Ben. I like the idea though. I think I named the 5 voices before, and I'm likely getting 1 wrong here, but I like this version better:

- The Pros / Positive Thinking
- The Cons / Negative Thinking (I call this Risk Management)
- The Saint / Christian Thinking (answers based on what a Christian would say)
- The World / Secular Thinking (what the rest of the non-Christian world would say)
- The Random / Random (i think you like chicken.)

Anyway... Yes, I like her. I don't know how we would gel together, cuz I haven't tried. Maybe I will. But again, I'm afraid of my emotions. CSY knows damn well how my emotions tend to flutter like a butterfly, and how i can like a person too easily. So I'm afraid. Afraid this might be another time like that.

I don't know.

And I won't, until I correct my spiritual life.

Which I hope will be soon

getting very lonely...

Goodnight God.

Take care of her.

P.S. - My title actually refers to me crying, and having a sore throat, plus a flu. Don't know where the flu comes in but oh well...

Fr33D0m

2011-03-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Guess what?

I QUIT!

Here's my visor,

My Dixon Ticonderoga Number 2 Pencil,

and my big finish!

I wanna be a producer, look out Broadway here I come!!!!!

Aaanyway, yes, I've quit my job.

Couldn't handle the woman any longer. Or rather couldn't handle the emotional stress she kept giving me and her face any longer.

So I gave a 24 hour notice, and left. But she was away so I gave the letter to the HR.

And after that
I got a whole bunch of celebratory gestures from people.

My aunt congratulated me, her friend also congratulated me, the friend's sister in-law also mentioned that I sounded a lot happier and that she's glad I finally did it...

My mom wasn't too happy that I gave it then and there though. I've mentioned to her that I'd be giving the letter on Thursday whether I get a job before or not, but she doesn't seem to remember, and doesn't seem to be too happy about it.

Damnit for a moment there I thought she'd be glad I'm finally getting rid of the other person I hate.

Meh. Whatever. Get on with life.

So anyway, I'm going for a 2nd interview next Monday (exactly 7 days from now) for a job that's very similar to what I was doing before. Hope I get it, it sounds like I shud be able to do it and do it well.

Got into a fight with him just a few days before last Thursday too. Conclusion, sister dropped my iPod which is now cracked, he gets mad and accuses me of lying, I defend myself and show proof that I'm not, he accuses EVERYONE of thinking he's dumb and blind, and decides to ban me from using the PC (not like that's gonna stop me). Then gloats like he's the greatest thing in the world.

Conclusive conclusion, I'm fine with my sister, I still have yet to check if my iPod is replaceable, I'm still using the PC, and he's still a fkking asshole. Nuff said.

Anyway, yeah. That was all ahaha. Just thought you'd like to know.

And I still think she's a

Better not type it here. Someone might find it and let her know :#

Ah but who cares? Assholitic brainless bimbo with a male ego the size of her ass.

There I said it. Hah.

anyway, gnites.

The Reason I Don't Talk

2011-02-28T17:42:00.000-08:00

There's a reason for me wanting to keep my problems to myself.

It's not because I WANT to wallow in self-pity, or just don't trust people. In fact I trust people too easily. And no, it's not because I've been hurt by people backstabbing me so many times because I'm so open and trusting.

It's because... I don't need to be told that it's my mistake and made to feel the guilt more than ever.

I already know it's my mistake. If it's not my mistake, I wouldn't even have that problem in the first place. I know it's my mistake, and I regret it. I've paid dearly for it, physically and very very much more emotionally. You don't know what I go through every time I make a stupid mistake like waking up late, then getting stuck in a jam and not being able to be at the place I've promised to be at said time. I feel guilty for 'lying' about being there on time, I feel the guilt of not being able to fulfill my responsibilities, I feel the disappointment I have in myself for not being able to do what is required of me to WAKE up on time, every moment, every second of the day after that is filled with guilt, disappointment, anger at myself, hopelessness, uselessness, despair, demotivation, distress, and ultimately, depression. There are times I even cry to myself in the car while driving.

And yes, I'm writing this post, at this time, because I've failed to be at an agreed place at an agreed time. I could blame it on my neck in which I pulled a muscle earlier... But if I told the only two people I can talk to about it, they'd both still tell me it's my fault.

Yeah... I know. It's my fault. It doesn't matter what emotional state I am in, the answer still doesn't change. I'd appreciate some kind words and maybe a hug. But the only 2 people I'd ever tell all this to, will probably just lecture and nag at me instead.

It makes me smile, knowing that through all this time I've known them they still haven't changed. And yes, I usually just smile when she tells me it's all my own damn fault. Yet it kills me inside, knowing I won't be getting the consolation and hug that I'd hope for.

And no, it's not that easy for me to just move on. If it were that easy, I'd already have moved on by the time I finish typing this post, and wouldn't need to post it.

yours blogfully,
me.

The Plot Thickens

2011-01-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

As my life worsens.

hurray.

Sorry but I've run out of energy to hypertype or typehyper like the last post.

Wave hit again. Just after a good session of DotA too.

Need to talk to someone so bad.

Wish I could fall asleep next to someone so bad too.

So many things running through my mind right now, I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start at all, and instead just go to bed like I should.

I don't wanna wake up tomorrow.

I had a dream recently. I rarely get dreams, but this one was so vivid I remember it so clearly.

I was hunting a dragon (thanks to too much monster hunter gaming lately...). Jumped in, slashed at it, blablabla... Then it got away.

So I sat down outside this house where my office colleagues had gathered. Presumably for a meeting.

Things are blur after that, but it becomes clear when 'that person' starts mocking me, by saying "I'm NEEEVER wrong."

Then I grab her amidst my colleagues trying to hold me back. I felt such a strong sense of anger bursting out from within me as I looked straight at her and said, "Don't you FUCKING DARE twist my words. I said I DON'T LIE, not that I am never wrong."

I woke up half saying out those words.

I felt that anger and that resentment in me. It was so strong that I wanted to punch her guts out.

That's when I understood. It's time for me to move on.

I've only hated 1 person in my life. And that was that person in this house.

Now I've come to hate yet another person. And within a short period of less than a year too.

I can't seem to forgive her. I hate her. So bad that I really want to somehow expose all her misdoings and somehow make her life really miserable.

But I can't. I guess it's good that I can't too.

Cuz at home, there's that plan that's already being executed, through not much action on my own part, and it's working itself out because he set the time bomb himself. It's his own fault, and I'm just... Smirking while watching the story unfold.

This one? I'm afraid I can't. While I sincerely hope it will someday come back and bite her in the arse so bad that it bleeds her heat out, it'll be long before it MAY ever happen. And that's a MAY.

I'm feeling so evil right now. I'm sincerely hoping for something bad to happen to someone.

...

I don't wanna wake up tomorrow...

There's a chance she may get me a confirmation. Then it'll take a long time before I can get myself out of this place.

I need to get out NOW. But I need to first secure a job somewhere else.

ugh.

Every 'subordinate' in the place hates her. She can freely push all her work to someone else and not bat an eyelid (which she probably does loads when going out for her 'meetings' with goodness knows who). She can swindle the foundation's expenses by eating expensively, go out on dates and claiming the bills as entertainment fees, and a lot more without even unconsciously WONDER if it's wrong to do so.

I'm telling you, if she stays, the foundation WILL crumble. Exec Dir has already retired not being able to resolve the situation. What can one do when the boss above says no?

*sigh*

Gnite blog.

Gnite God.

I'm backsliding again.

I'm horribly sorry. But I'm unmotivated to get past this and move forward.

The looming feeling of "it's pointless" keeps hanging around, draining all my energy.

And getting kicked for it isn't changing anything, it just gets me more annoyed.

God...

Please help....

The Meaning To Life

2011-01-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

omg look! An omgwtfbbqsauce potentially emo post title!

Hmm... It's supposed to be an emo post... But I guess there's no harm typing it in a hyperific genki manner.

manner!

So liek, the meaning to life rite?

Everyone asks, what's the meaning to life? wuts my point in life? What am I supposed to do? why do we exist? why are we aliev? Whywhywhywhywhy?

Well... I pondered abt this incredulously D-I-F-F-I-C-U-L-T question (for like 5 seconds) and realised, hey I know the meaning to life!

The reason we're alive, is cuz God put us here, to do something!

Something in life huh. Li3k, God totally wants us to do that specific something. We're meant to be on this plaaaaanet called T3rr4Firm4 for A rea-son! And that reason is~~~~~

I dunno! xD

No really. I dunno. but i DO know, that God has a plan for you. That's why he made you! and me! and everyone else! (even the annoying ones neh ><) And for every good Chrsitian who dies 'prematurely' (as in like instead of growing old and dying a bag of wrinkles, they die really young and whatsorts), there was a reason for their death! Someone somewhere, would've heard or known about their death. And that would lead them to a point where they learn about God, and about His lurve and wondaafullness. And then, then, then, that person's death (x_x) would have made a difference. Because in that death, someone else came to Christ! His job wus done! It may not seem fair/fare/pucat/pale/pail/bucket to a lot of people, but God works in mysterious ways. In the same way He allows life to be taken away, He puts certain people through certain situations. And I believe that everyone is put into situations, so that they can teach the people they meet in the future about them. They can share about what they've gone through, and how God pulled them through it all! So li3k.. What's the point of my post again? No it wasn't to talk about all that. I don't really know my purpose in life! I wanna know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, how I'm supposed to do eetz. I wanna know that what I'm doing wif my life is the thing that He wants me to do. I don't wanna choose. I hate choosing. When I gotta choose, I'm skared that I'll maek the wrong choices (obviously waaaay too many now bleh xP). And i'm fat too. I gotta lose weight. But I'm feeling stressed and depressed. Stressed cuz I wanna find something else to do, depressed cuz I don't know what else I WANNA do. Sadness! And all that goes into food which goes into mah tummy. Then comes out of my tummy, and into the layerz between the layers of skin layers and whatever-else-is-deeper-inside-layers. Ta-dah! Yeah. That and I haven't been to church properly for ages. Meh. I can't stand myself. ><

Vicious cycle much~~~

And nobody was free to go out with me today. I so needed to just get out and talk to someone x_x

I miss hugugus .__.

Oh wellz~

Time to go hunting! I'ma go hunt an Ice Agnator!

It looks like this:

Yeap! That's MONSTER HUNTER PORTABLE 3!!!

Yaay! Hurray for the diversion. Got a bit sick of DotA today after I was owning so much, then got told to switch over to lose.

Idiots. I pwned. I dun care.

Gnites! ><

P.S. I wish I were more moe ;__;

This post was brought to you by Kilmasis, asked to post a blogpost by a certain CSI. Who got thrown out of CSI, so opened her own and called it CSY.

I still think you'd look really good in an LBD. Or a long black evening gown.

:)

With Life Comes Its Up And Downs

2010-11-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

It's 1 month away from CF, and I've barely started on my costume, and barely begun on the group cosplay skit. I have NEVER been this unprepared for CF's group competition by the 1-month mark.

I've been sleeping late again. 3-4amish.

I've been DotA-ing like DotA will cease to exist tomorrow. While I have significantly gotten a whole lot better at a general large count of heroes, I have also reduced my life to DotA-ing at every free time.

I have not been to the movies frequently for a LONG time. I still have yet to watch Ironman and Ironman 2. I have yet to watch UP even when I've got it on blu-ray DVD at home. I have yet to watch all the GLEE episodes I've downloaded.

I have yet to actually open my japanese workbook and start doing it like a proper student should.

I have yet to start my quiet time.

I have yet to hold a long conversation with God; one that lasts more than 5 minutes without me lapsing into a "i forgot we were talking" zone.

I have yet to clean my room.

I...

I have yet to tell her that I seem to think of her every other moment of the day.

Which sucks because I'm so blardy sure she'll say no.

Oh well. Love life sucks, especially when you think too much like me.

I wanted to work hard on my relationship with Him first, in hopes that He will say, "Yes it is time. And she's the one."

Heh. I hoped for so much. Who am I to even begin to imagine such things? She's growing so much in Him and I'm...

I'm left far behind.

If I don't go to gym today, I will clean up my room.

That's my promise for today.

God...

I'm sorry.

That's.. all I can say...

Kyou wa yokatta desuyo~

2010-10-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Didn't wake up for church.

Bad, me.

Woke up at roughly 12.30pm.

Prepared and went to KLPac for my company's event hosting - Glitz & Glamour by Dama Orchestra.

Was a great performance xD Loved it so much. Made me wish again, so badly, to be on-stage once more...

Wishing I could be in the show-biz. Wishing I could use those talents to put the coins into my bank.

Wishing I wasn't broke, stuck in a desk-bound job, getting "poor, poor, poor, fair, and poor" for all my assessments...

I mean, what's the point in calling me to your office, making me listen to all your 'advice', and giving me nothing but "poor poor poor, fair, and poor"?

Even my aunt questioned: If my boss gives me such praise, why is it that my assessment comes out so bad?

Don't ask me; I don't know. I'm not the one doing my assessment. And what choice do I have but to sign it? If I refuse to sign it, there will only be trouble trouble and more trouble. For everyone, and myself. Getting justice for what I do... Does that really outweigh the amount of trouble that will come by?

I don't know. But for the sake of my boss, I've chosen to ignore it. That person has a direct link to the highest management possible, and I've already come up with a theory on how such a person was put into office anyway. And as far as I know, my theory holds water.

Anyway...

Yeah. My boss met my mom and grandmother today. She had (besides telling them to tell me to sleep earlier...) nothing but praises for me. I was standing some distance away clearing up our company's stuff (heck even the finance manager offered to help, and gave a helping hand regardless of whether I said yes or no), but I heard every single word.

For a moment... I was proud of myself. Proud, and grateful for the fact that someone like her was my boss; someone who appreciated what I did, and the lengths that I went to do them.

The last time I felt like that... Was when I got my 'best student award' plaque. Possibly the only other time I felt that amount of pride.

I guess... Behind that dark stormy cloud is a silver lining. A silver lining I've seen and known, but refused to accept and understand. I kept focusing on the fact that it was raining and throwing thunder and lightning at me.

Well... I'll just wait then. When the time of the storm has passed by, I'm sure I'll bask in that sunlight, dry off, and feel the warmth.

Besides... I like the rain anyway.

And I hope, so will my future wife.

Because kissing in the rain... Would be so romantic. ;)

....Yes that was random xD;;

P.S. Btw Anonymous, I didn't actually mean it to be a poem. I was just typing out the words without thinking on structure. But well, after re-reading it... Yeah it does look like a free-form poem xD;; Thanks for the compliment. :)

And no, I haven't wrote a poem for my mother. It's too... restrictive in a sense. There would be so much to write about, yet putting it into a short poem would mean cutting out so much. ;)

but I'll try. One of these days. When it isn't 2:45am, and I get naggings from my mom, grandmother, AND boss about my sleeping habits. :P

God...

Please, forgive me for not being in church to receive Your Word today.

I will try my best to mend my sleeping habits, if not for myself, then for our 'relationship'.

That I may be able to wake up early, and to be there to receive Your Word, fresh on a Sunday morning.

Forgive me, Lord.

Goodnight.

A Conscious Decision

2010-10-06T10:23:00.001-07:00

A good friend told me
that by making a conscious effort
to hold my mind over my heart
to do the right thing even if my heart refuses
is what He wants us to do
in that He wants us to always do the right thing
no matter the circumstance
no matter what my heart desires.
It's a conscious decision
to do what is right
even if you don't want to.

But...
What about when you're unconscious...
When you're asleep...?

I've sinned in my sleep.

God...

I surrender my body, into Your control
when I am not in control of myself
please take control
when I am not awake
please take control.

God...

Please bless my dear, dear friend,
Suyin.

And I pray, please give her a clear, definite answer to the question that burdens her mind rite now.

Also

please

Embrace her when she feels lonely
Let her feel Your warmth when she's depressed
Whisper in her ears, when she doesn't want to talk
Let her know You're always there when she tries to run away
There are these things in life
That I believe she should enjoy
The things in life that
Make life a much more pleasant temporary home
The things in life that
Only You can give to her.

Goodnight God.

As life slips away...

2010-08-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

My ladyboss has told me I have a very cheery disposition. So have 2 other ladies from the group communications department that I've had the pleasure of working/liaising with lately. Despite my background and the looming shadow in my upbringing.

At that point of time... I sincerely forgot about God. I really, really did. I forgot that it was God who led me through my troubled times, it was God who saved me from narrowly being skewered on a fence... It was God who gave me a cheery disposition to deal with and counter the dreary and rather harsh days that I've had to go through.

But did I really use this... 'Gift' so to speak, the right way?

I may appear cheery and happy all the time, I may always try to smile at everything...

But it's been a lie. Well, maybe I was cheery for the moment. But it feels like I've only ever used it to hide the other feelings I've kept inside.

Few people have seen me really mad. Sad to say, some of my office staff have seen me RATHER mad. Only 5 months in, and it's already happened twice.

I guess it doesn't help when I'm badly dissatisfied with the person 'managing' me. Never helps to be at the receiving end of a tai-chi master superior. Everything she SAYS she'll do in front of everyone and in e-mails, MOST of the time will be sent to me, at a later date (giving me less time to work on stuff, shorter deadlines, etc); and it's not even started on.

I seriously, very badly hate it. It stressed me up a lot.

Yeah I get to learn faster, yadda yadda, but if it stresses me up and fills the jug so damned fast, what's the point? And even the other one that was hired to help HER out (shows how much she throws at people), well... She does help some. But really she adds more to the stress that I'm getting. She's not hands on, she's not too bright... Everything that's out of the ordinary, she starts calling my name like 3-6 times, even though I answer the first time... SERIOUSLY IT'S FRIGGIN ANNOYING!! And every question she asks, she asks like twice, 3 times, 4 times... I am not deaf. Seriously.

And my mom asks why I'm so tired when I come home. How can I not be tired when I'm doing more than half of the entire department's work myself, plus the stress I'm getting?

...Hurray. Rant.

At least I've got a few saving graces. I guess that helps to balance out some of that crap. My ladyboss is really fond of me in that she acknowledges the amount of work that I do and is rather pleased with it, my other colleagues know the predicament that I'm in and are sympathetic towards me, even people from other departments know of my situation and are sympathetic towards me... Well she's rather infamous around anyway.

And the only proper answer that I've got is "It was the Board of Trustee's decision".

Some board. Feel like smacking them with a wooden board for even THINKING of putting such incapabilities into such places.

Sorry... Rant done. I guess.

This was an older post that I never did... post. Guess I forgot about it. :/

Worst. Day. Ever.

2010-06-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Just to list em down:

- Woke up at 2pm. Missed church and bible class altogether. 1 more miss and I won't get my baptism cert. If I actually have the gall to get baptised at my current state.

- ... Did something when I got up. Not gonna elaborate so don't ask.

- Have not been getting enough sleep throughout the entire week (my fault, obviously. since when isn't anything my fault anyway), so feeling really tired today.

- Went all the way to sunway to eat dinner with friends instead of having dinner with family (mom came back from trip today).

- Totally FORGOT that Today (20th june) was Mom's birthday. O. M. F. G. By now I'm feeling so horrible for forgetting such a thing that I could just kill myself. And adding sulfur to the wound, my sister actually asked earlier if I were coming home for dinner.

- Remember I have an audition for my company's 'idol' talentime competition. I registered and chose "Bad romance" as my song, cuz I didn't know what else to pick. And... I'm so screwed. WHO THE HECK SINGS LADY GAGA FOR AN AUDITION???

- Now it's 2am, and I haven't done a single bit of research on Bad romance's dance moves, planned anything or any of that sort of stuff. I'm SO FKKING SCREWED.

Well, that ain't too bad compared to your worst day ever I guess. But missing my mom's birthday took the prize on dropping my depression to the bottom. I was already depressed about missing church and a good sermon that I should've gone for. Day before that, I should've gone for a sermon at a nearby place, FREE OF CHARGE, for a great sermon. I managed, in my utmost idiotic capacity, to skip both.

And right now, the time I need to talk to someone the most...

I'm alone.

As usual...

And tomorrow I've got to return to a shitty situation I seem to be stuck in. Any more than that and some random person who discovers my blog may do something stupid to get me burnt.

Bah.

What a day.

Depression + desperation.

oh well

just another day of life to get through

more self-pity? yeah that's what the extroverted egoists who strive to perfect themselves would say

sadly i ain't one of those.

I'm not emotionless.

Goodnight...

God...

I'm sorry....

Checklist to a Hopeful Future.

2010-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

I've been a horribly irresponsible person today.

I missed a choir practice (I entirely forgot), I overslept so I missed GDOP as well (that AND the choir practice were missed because I overslept).

I... Was not a good Christian. To God, and to myself.

I don't know how to describe the guilt I feel. I really really hope someone would cheer me up right now.

But it was all my fault. It was my fault I overslept. It was my fault I missed everything. I didn't even get to send my car to the garage to check what was wrong. I messed up the entire day.

I'm horrible.

If one is at fault, does one deserve to be cheered up...?

From my experiences... I've only been nagged even more when I'm at fault.

I guess even if one should be cheered up, when it's one's fault reality says you're not eligible.

Guilt and depression. And yes, it's entirely my fault.

Anyway, I'm getting baptised.

Finally? Ahaha. I still don't feel that I'm ready though. There are so many things that I know I need to give up, but am not ready to.

And so many things I need to do, before I feel that I'm ready.

- Improve relationship with Him aka more quiet time. I can't put a minimum time on this; it should be flexible. Right? After all, you don't talk to a person for a set 1 hour, before moving onto next item on the list.

- Improve relationship with him. Aka treating him as a person, rather than an object of hate. I realise that the more I hate him, the more bitter I get. And the more bitter I get, the more I feel a sense of satisfaction when I see him fall because of his own stupidity. But all of this, IS evil, isn't it? As much as I don't want to, I must try.

- Improve relationship with Mom. From my own observation of myself and her, I seem to blame her for his presence. For all the misery that he's caused me, I seem to direct the blame to her. I've not been conscious about it, but after stepping back and recalling the words I used and the way I phrased my sentences... It seems so.

- Less game time, more talk time. Gaming takes up a bulk of my life now. Especially since I got back into DotA. I can see that at times it turns me into a monster. My 'reasoning' for not stopping this, is because it's close to the only tie I have with my gaming buddy as of now. I need God to intervene, because I really don't know how to handle this situation.

- Stop thinking about her. And her. I'm not ready, period. God will tell me when it's time. When He believes that I am of the right time and state of maturity in Mental and Spiritual, I believe He will tell me. Even if today's conversation served as a hint to me, it also still directly indicates that I'm not ready. I need to stop hoping for it to come sooner.

- Change my sentence structures, vocabulary and tone of sentences. I don't like the way she tells me off, but I'll bet it sounds horrible when I do it to others to, mainly my sister and mom. Who am I to talk to them like that? Even if stupid people remain stupid (not pointing at anyone here, just saying in general), am I not to be gracious to them, because that's what Jesus would do?

~~~~~~

I realised one thing though.

I'm... Not really a Christian.

A Christian is one who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ, accepts Jesus as Lord and Saviour, believes Jesus is the Son of God and in the Holy Trinity, LOVES the Lord God, and obeys His commandments.

Out of all that, I can only check 2 of the boxes. 3 more, I cannot say I do.

If I were to die today...

Yes I will go to heaven, because that's what the Bible teaches me.

Whether I believe and understand that or not, is a different story.

"Why should I let you into heaven?"

The correct answer, is "Because I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, and through Him, I have salvation."

But would I believe that and be convicted enough to say that?

I don't know...

~~~

God...

I've much to work on.

Please... Grant me the strength, wisdom, and perseverance to work this out.

Please... Be at my side, and teach me to work this out.

Please... Help me, guide me, and work this out with me, together.

Please.... I ask of You.

In Jesus's most precious name,

Amen.

P.S. Do bless SY. :)

As I Watch Time

2010-05-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

The world falls asleep
Not a sound does it make
Yet why at this time
Am I... Still awake?

Haven't updated in a while. Not much to update anyway; life's mostly boring for me.

miss wednesday... I can't seem to stop thinking about her. Every other random moment when I lose focus, she pops up in my mind (which be rather often since I can't really focus well).

Don't know what to make of it. Could be just another infatuation.

I just hope I don't do something stupid. Again. The last thing I want to do is ruin a friendship because of my stupidity. Which I have ruined a number.

"How can you love, when you don't understand Love?"

There are many things I need to set right.

But my body is either too afraid, or too lazy (most will probably tell me it's the latter) to change it. To get things moving.

No initiative. No motivation.

No ambition. No goals.

No future.

Who am I? But a flower quickly fading; here today and gone tomorrow. A wave, tossed in the ocean. A vapour in the wind.

Still... You hold me when I call. You catch me when I fall. You help me to stand tall.

Who am I...?

Can I... be... Yours...?

I'm sorry. For all the times I turned away. For all the times I spat and ran. For all the times... That I didn't step up to be the person I'm meant to be.

I'm a coward, afraid of facing life.

I am no one.

I make no difference.

Invisible.

Insignificant.

Bound.

Broken.

Torn.

Yet... You still reach out to me.

Why can't I just die alone... And drown in my sea of despair...? It feels right that way. I didn't want to be saved. Maybe deep down I did, but there are other people more worth saving than I. People who will do greater things than I ever could. People who would raise a revolution. People who would move nations.

But... You wouldn't let me.

And... You called to me anyway.

I was so ready to face the darkness of my world. Be engulfed by the raging calmness of my chaotic serenity.

You pulled me back.

Always.

I want to.... I want to leave my corner of the room. I want to go out and taste sunshine.

But I'm... Afraid. Afraid that as... You hold my hand...

You'll let go...

I know what has been said.

But that doesn't quell my doubts and fears.

So...

Please... Teach me.

Prove to me that everything that has been said...

Is true.

....please...

-bbt-

A YingYang Enlightenment

2010-04-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

I sent her home today!

Good! Had a nice chat with her too on the way (damn shud've drove slower). Good!

I... Found out she n another friend of mine are trying to go out together...

Bad... For me anyway

Ugh.

Damnit.

I don't wanna blog anymore. Not on this post anyway.

T_T

Feeling the brunt of being alone.

2010-04-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah folks, you guessed it! It's DEPRESSION WAVE TIME!

For all those of you who don't know, this is the time where I, your host truly, ME AND MYSELF, get really depressed from being awake too long into the night and there's no one to really talk to because they're mostly all busy, and feels really really lonely!

that's right folks! It's the all too cliche episode of "HE IS RONERY!"

and now, fasten your seatbelts and wear your "emo" hats, as we plunge into

THE EMO WORLD OF ME!

...
...
...

Yeah. somehow that made me feel better. just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

I mustn't think about her. I can't appear too eager or I'll just scare her off like I scared the last one. I'll just appear too pushy and forceful that she'll just reject me outright.

Then there's that deep really deep fear of being rejected.

I've always brushed it off on the surface. I never knew that somehow, it really affected me badly on a deeper level. I didn't realise it before but after my wandering mind wandered across that subject, it just suddenly hit me; I'm afraid of being rejected. It's like being afraid of failing, but just worse.

Sheesh.

I still dream of being a really famous singer and/or actor. I still dream of really hitting the charts, and well... Just basking in the limelight of the stage. I'm a borderline intro/extrovert, and my social preference is with a close group of friends, rather than with a crowd. With my close group, I'm an extrovert but in a crowd, I revert back to being an introvert. Stupid huh.

I don't know.. My mind's a mess again. I'm thinking too much (like that's not common) and...

Well, I really wanna make a move on her. But she appears to be seeing someone, though I'm not sure about the relationship status. But I'm not in a proper financial state to even attempt dating. I barely even know her. My lack of msn during the daytime cuts me off from contacting her.

Blah. It's probably just another wild goose chase.

Me and my emotions.

gurh.

Now if SHE read this and realised I'm talking about her, I'd probably just excuse myself from her presence and go jump into a ditch and hope I break my neck or something.

Girls like emotionally secure and confident men. They don't want weeping babies.

I...

I could almost hate myself.

Btw Suyin, I loved your performance. I cried when you threw away the gun. I was putting myself in your position and... Given the circumstances... I'd throw away the gun as well. but my reason would be because I swore I wouldn't kill myself, because there HAS to be some way I can do something for someone else within the time that I'm still alive.

It wouldn't be because I want to live.

It would be because I want someone else to live.

And that's why I cried. Because I... I can't find a reason for myself, a selfish reason, to want to be alive. I don't know how to cure that, and I don't know how to give myself a reason other than the one I already have.

anyway I'm over time. Gotta go sleep.

Gnite people.

Gnite God.

Gnite...

Of an update to my lifes!

2010-04-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

I lieks a gurl.

She cute.

She pwetteh.

Wonderful personality. Lovely laugh. Even more lovely a voice. <3 the voice.

... I barely see her. Can't chat her online (no msn in afternoons boohoo for me)

...

I'm probably getting way over myself again.

this sucks.

... Gah, I'm going insane yeah~
No more gas, in the red (car no petrol, I owe ppl money)
Nothing heard, nothing said (today whole day blurr case cuz not enuf sleep)
I'm a life on my head (cuz it feels like the world turned upside down)
feels like I'm going insane (yeah.)

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you (no point, I don't sleep at night)
It can creep up inside you and consume you (worms I no having)
A disease of the mind it can control you (it'd have to share with the other ones already in there)
It's too close for comfort (it's sweaty)

....okay. random streak is forcefully being put to a stopping halt.

I has painheads.

I have hungers of the stomachs.

I like the way Fawful (Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story) speaks. His grammar is out of place, yet his vocab is huge. It's so hilarious. I HAVE CHORTLES!

Yeah, I like her. My boss reckons i should go make a move on her. Thing is, I barely know much about her. I could attempt to summarise and give first glance judgement on her character and personality; but that's always a horrible thing to do on the person you REALLY really like.

anyway

I guess I'll endure it longer. Insanity's not something that can take over me anyway. It sucks, but I have responsibilities to fulfill, and I am a responsible person; like it or not. And that is FAK-TA.

oh someone please talk to me in the middle of the night. Loneliness creeps up at the witching hours all the time and it hurts.

nites God

nites people.

I have Painheads and Hungarians.

A New Day. Dangit I wanna sleep in.

2010-03-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah well for those of you who didn't know (that would be all of you... Ahaha... Well save for family members)

I've got a job.

Today (monday) marks 1 week since I started. Started Last Monday (22nd March), was interviewed on Friday (19th March). Talk about quick hiring -_-;;

anyway... I've been greeted kindly, and apparently everyone seems to like me... So far, it's been good. I'm the PR & Communications Executive, under the PR & Comm Manager, who used to be an indian beauty pageant. Yeah, she's really got the looks and the body to boot. No, I'm not into her. Dunno, don't have the taste for indians, no offence.

Anyway...

I'm using my writing skills (finally) since it's PR stuff. Already made plenty of mistakes, including a really bad one of spelling a VIP's name wrong on an invitation card... And get this; I got his name wrong for ALL the invitation cards since he's the one giving the speech... Oh gawds. And to make matters worse, he really gets pissed off when someone gets his name wrong. We fixed his invite and some others who might report his name error, but left the others be (they were already sent). I just hope he doesn't suddenly find the interest in checking other people's invitations...

Oh yeah. Company I'm working in is called The Budimas Charitable Foundation. It's an organisation that raises funds to distribute among 10 different homes for underpriviledged children (orphans, single parents who can't afford to raise them, etc), inclusive of one that Budimas recently set up by itself.

Mom says it's a great job for me, since I don't really care about my career path, and want to do something worthwhile. I still don't have a pc atm, so am feeling really helpless and hopeless since there are things I need to do that requires photoshop. I just can't handle working on powerpoint on someone else's pc (the person's usually at the home, so her place is empty most of the time). Laptop I'll be working with only gets returned to company on 8th of april... And powerpoint thing needs to be done by thursday (need to be used on friday). Gawds, I really hate the damned lousy computer whose internet explorer hangs on every other page. #@%#@$

Anyway... Everything's been good so far (despite my stupid mistakes). The main 3 'boss' people all like me (which includes my PR Manager), and I chat well with the 3 other malay colleagues (though it may be just a matter of time before the vice chairman puts me in charge of overseeing some of the stuff they do... It's already been related to me, it's just a matter of time since the company's currently busy with an upcoming event). Hopefully everything goes well...

Meh. Though I DO hate not being able to MSN atm (my boss facebooks while working on her laptop, other colleagues facebook too...), since the lousy default connection line to the building's connection blocks loads of stuff... But once I get that laptop (and hopefully 1 of my own, since there are some stuff I need to use which I can't install into the office laptop) and my pay, I'll try to get my own usb broadband connection and work it out. ><

So many plans, so little money... *sigh*

Speaking of money...

Well, nvm. I guess that's not a matter I have to chase now.

Though in relation to that, I still owe my mom RM2.3k + RM1350... That amounts to RM3650. Gonna take some time to repay that...

I just hope things worked out.

On another unrelated note, friend's house got broken into. Again. Her valuable dslr camera was gone. And some other stuff I don't know what.

Poor thing. Am gonna take her out for a drink tomorrow night. She's not too shaken about it, but she's terribly annoyed about her camera. I can understand the frustration.

God

Thank You

for everything that You've given me.

I'll do my best not to waste this one.

Down N Depressed

2010-03-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

Have been feeling really tired lately, I have no idea why. I don't even do any rigorous activities. I barely have anywhere to spend energy on. Yet i'm feeling tired and fatigued so very often.

It's like something's draining my spirit and energy away.

I'm so tired...

And... the rest of this blog post would've been more ranting and depressive insights about my life. But bleh, no point expressing it since I know the answers to the questions I ask, and it'd just be rhetorical questions.

In other words, it'd just be attention seeking. And i understand people don't like that. Heck, I don't like it either. -_- Hypocrite.

Nite guys.

and nite, God.

Bring, Bring, I Want To Hold You In My Arms~

2010-02-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

...

Looks like I'll be stuck on this for the week...

I like the rapper... Minryo I think, her name was. She looks like an adult version of Sohee @_@
And that's hawt!! @_@

Gain's cute though. xD Gain's the bob-cut short haired girl who starts the song (hotpants in case you couldn't catch who).

... Sometimes I really wish I was a girl. Get to wear all these sexy clothes and do all these sexy stuff x_x

Gotta resist taking hormone pills... >_>

Well

My future wife had better be really good at teasing >_>

What happens when your clock stops ticking?

2010-02-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

i'ts been a busy week and I'm tired. Well got friday to go, a day out with my mom to get new glasses and... Probably get clothes and eat and stuff to sorta 'celebrate' my birthday.

Thanks for all the wishes, those who did wish me. :) And for those of you who didn't and read this blog, there's always next year. :P Then again I can count the number of people who do with the fingers one 1 hand... lol...

Oh and just in case you get confused, my birthday was on the day of the post before this one. :P

Went to Dei's place for a pot-luck party, which was a mixture of a farewell party and Rayray's birthday (yeah, nobody knows about mine rofl). Had lotsa stuff, but most importantly, had some REAL GOOD LAMB! DA, Jun and I paid for it, Jun cooked it while me and jun chopped it into bite-size pieces. IT WAS REALLY DAMNED GOOD! *0* Black pepper marinated with some sauce, bought straight from Maluri's Jusco. OMFG DAMNED GOOD @_@

Was supposed to be a Tekken 6 'tournament'. I purposely did a lil research to prepare myself for it. In the end, the only ones who actually played TEkken 6 at the end was me and DA. Bleh. All my enthusiasm went crashing into a corner, drawing stars and circles. Bleh.

I feel... Disappointed with my birthdays every year,

Well... Ever since my 21st till now actually.

It hasn't been extravagant or anywhere interesting since I brought 3 girls out and paid for all 4 (including myself) lunches at a newly opened Shogun at 1U (well still new AND good at that time). I never told them it was my birthday, and my excuse was I had too much angpow money to spare (my mom actually gave me 200 to spend). Only 1 knew it was my birthday the moment I asked her out (cis PL lol) and the rest only knew when she gave me a present. Ahaha, that was interesting. When I was 18 I think.

Now 6 years has passed... OMg I feel old. And my birthday was spent... Well you'll know if you read my last post. And well... I'm not satisfied simply because hardly anyone remembered. Or rather, the people I really hoped would remember didn't. Of course I appreciate those who did (really, thank you ><><), but well... They WERE within calculations. I was... Well I was just hoping for a little something out of the ordinary that would surprise me and make me cry or somewhat... Then again it's not easy to surprise me (though it's REALLY easy to make me cry >_>;; ) so I'll deal with acting surprised. :P

But yeah...

Sometimes it feels like I've deposited so much but when I hope for a member's special bonus, I get nothing but the same old statements and bills...

*sigh* well, on the bright side, there's always next year to hope for. :)

I hope...

Well, enough of the emo-ing already. need to rest, long day more tomorrow, and hopefully a good rest on saturday.

it's 12th of feb. Looks like I'm not getting that editor job. Gotta really start looking for more and not put my hopes anywhere now.

I just wish i knew what I really wanted to do.

God

Thank You.

i feel old

2010-02-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

and tired...
wait I AM tired -_-;;

Well, I feel old and tired...

Today, went to sparda's house to game.

When me n DA were about to leave, found this car parked horrendously, intruding badly into my carpark's area. DA instinctively checked the bumper for scratches. found a big one.

At first I thought it was an old scratch, though i wasn't too sure myself. Checked other car's front bumper and hey look, a conveniently placed scratch positioned at an almost perfect height.

Got the security guards in the condo (sparda's house is a condo) to check it out and get the owner of the vehicle to come down and explain him/herself.

I mean I get there are inconsiderate idiots in this world, but seriously. There was plenty of space on the other side too. What nonsense could have been going through this persons mind? No P too, so SHOULD be a proper driver. I mean c'mon, my GRANDMOTHER parks better than that; and I'm serious about that.

Not like it was going anywhere anyway. Apparently the owner of the car came down by coincidence after about 15-20 minutes in the car park after the guards came. I mean seriously, does it take that long to get the lot and house number and inform them about the current situation? With all the high tech these guards had like passcards and shizz, I'd have thought they could've gone up and called the owner up in like 5. Seriously. And better yet, they looked like they just came down, about to go off. Did the guards even call them down?

It was a female driver. Of course she denied the whole thing. What with her amazing parking skills and all, and evidence to boot. She denies whole thing, and of course, husband supports her with "I know my wife, she won't lie". Wow, what an incredibly testimony. I'd like to try using that in court too. "I know this dude. He doesn't lie." What's wrong with the police and the world? These people don't lie man. Court cases would waste so much less time if everyone just supported with "I know this bugger, he don't lie".

Then she points to one of the guards and says that he helped lower the pylon in the middle to allow her to park, and said he was there the entire time. He himself denies the fact that he was there, and said that he had driven off on his bike after he had lowered it for her. The couple started spouting nonsense that if he had been around while she parked, he would've heard a crash sound, or seen the car jolt. Dude. My bumper is PLASTIC THAT BENDS, forcing it to alter shape slowly WILL NOT MAKE A SOUND. That and the guard said HE WASN'T THERE TO WITNESS ANYTHING. What's your problem?

After a mountain of denying and saying "I just drove straight in, I didn't hit your car", "that scratch has been there for a long time" and "the guard (that had apparently gone off) was here", they call the person they were visiting earlier, who apparently was this woman's father, down.

Now things start to get stupid. He comes and says as well, that his daughter won't lie about this. So she'll lie about other stuff? Or is everyone in this world gonna use that in court from now on?

Then he starts spouting nonsense like "the car's angle is like that, there's no way to hit your car and still park like that. What kind of stupid shit is that? Dude, you may be old, but I'm not an idiot who can't think. To this lousy reasoning, the son-in-law i presume, starts the car up to attempt to show that it was impossible. So he reverses out, and attempts to 'hit' my car, reverses, and reparks. As thought, it was impossible. Either because he was stupid, or doesn't know how to drive, so he decided to try again. 'Impact', and reverse. Then I instructed him to turn his wheel forward, go straight, then turn his wheel fully left, and drive in. Perfect parking, landing almost at the EXACT spot that the car was earlier on, albeit a little further into their own parking lot.

Since that was done, the son-in-law shut up for a while. What more could he say? He obviously knew that the 'impossible' was made possible; just with a little bit of EXPERIENCE IN DRIVING? HELLO? I'M NOT SOME DUMB NUT ALRIGHT?

Then the father starts spouting nonsense about "yaa, but then that scratch is a 'serious accident' scratch. your scratch is only minor." To this, I only had to show that my bumper was PLASTIC AND BENDS EASILY. It easily ABSORBS minor impact and lessens outer damage on itself. Can't say for the other car which had MUCH TOUGHER FIBRE THAT IS REALLY HARD, and oh yeah, has been in serious accidents may I add? Still, he continued to spout the nonsense about it impossible to have done that kind of damage. Did I mention I already made your 'impossible' possible just a moment ago, with the help of your son-in-law?

Then another security guard comes in. After being explained the situation to, he proceeds to rub his hands on the scratched up area. After claiming he felt no paint on the other car's end, he then says it's not this car's fault. Then the old man decides to harp on this newfound nonense, that yeah, if it was this car's fault, there would be paint. Dear people who think I'm a young idiot with no brains whatsoever, I'm sure that you've just witnessed this guard RUBBING his hands on the hit spots. Do you think it's IMPOSSIBLE (again) for a person to deliberately RUB ALL THE PAINT OFF? ANYONE, EVEN A CHILD would know how to hide a bad scratch by attempting to rub it off. What do you think I am, a sperm not even leaving his father's groin yet? HEY THIS IS GETING TO BE INSULTING TO MY INTELLECT ALRIGHT?

After that, (the rest of the guards had already left to continue duties, save for the new one), the husband starts spouting NEW nonsense by saying the only way she could've knocked into my car, would be if she reversed and reparked in the way he did, so all they have to do is re-call that security guard, and ask him if she had reversed. HELLO WERE YOU LISTENING EARLIER? WERE YOU DEAF OR HAVING SELECTIVE HEARING ON? HE SAID HE WASN'T AROUND TO SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING, WHICH PART OF THAT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? OR IS ENGLISH AND MALAY TOO HARD FOR YOUR BRAIN TO COMPUTE? Which besides, if he really intended to continue harping on that fact, I was incredibly tempted to just tell him to give me his keys and let me do it and demonstrate to them exactly how EASY IT IS to hit a car at that angle and to continue DRIVING IN WITHOUT REVERSING. Old man agrees it's impossible without reversing. again. Hey, do you people never learn or what? And I thought humans were supposed to be smart?

Last but not least, "why would a person scratch your car, and park their car here and remain a scapegoat?". For one, the pass that they had in their car was an LG2 pass, meaning the visitor can ONLY park at LG2. This is part of the condo's security system. "oh can park at LG3 also, they won't mind". Yeah, and I'm sure screwing up your office systems would be fine as well, and your bosses 'won't mind'.

For two, don't tell me you've never heard of people shooting other people, then waiting there to be caught? Yeah, heard of psychos? Plenty of them in America (I actually shot this back at him, I was getting annoyed at all the nonsense they were bringing up. so much for being adults with brains). Oh heard o the documentary called "Bowling for collumbine"? This kid who apparently had problems in class came in one day and shot a whole bunch of teachers and kids before shooting himself in the head. Oh yeah heard of that college that had a student run in with a gun and killing a whole bunch of people and just sitting there waiting to be caught? Wow, guess you don't read the papers huh? I actually shot this back at him just to see his response, for shooting an incredibly lame reason that held no water. He laughed nervously; and that was all he could do, before attempting to bring it up again later.

For three, I peeked at the contents of the car before they came, just to get a gist of who drove it. In it was a cane. Immediately, it was obvious it was a disciplinary teacher. Either that or this couple canes their kids wherever they go; which sadly wasn't the case since they didn't seem to have one. So discipline teacher it was. And with the kind of tone, carefully chosen words, body language and straight facial expression, I knew it was the lady (besides the fact that revealed through conversation she was the one who drove in here by herself). After things started getting a bit further down the road, she completely shut up and let her husband and her father do the talking; obviously showing she was getting nervous, meaning she hadn't had a built up wall of emotional resistance for any situation, which means she's a primary school discipline teacher (because 2ndary school discipline teachers HAVE to be really tough and have a strong will and INCREDIBLY straight face that NOTHING can break). Discipline teachers, are probably the highest on the list of 'probability of psychological disturbance', simply because they're caning kids. And what's more it's not their own kid they're caning, they're caning OTHER people's kids. There's that chance of getting sued by random parents. To add to that, these are PRIMARY SCHOOLERS, kids who barely know the difference between right and wrong, and are just trying to have fun all the time. ANY disciplinary teacher in a primary school will EASILY face psychological problems, because of the nature of their work. I can immediately tell you that there is a possibility of her having a psychological problem NONE of them even know about, judging by THAT alone; it's as simple as that. You wanna tell me what kind of person will in a state of nervousness and psychological unsteadiness NOT behave silly and be a scapegoat?

Puh-lease you may be an old man with "many experiences in car accidents" as claimed, and you may be a married working adult, but NONE of you can come up with a good enough explanation that would HOLD WATER IN COURT AGAINST HARD EVIDENCE WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY SHOWN BY THE SCRATCHES ON BOTH CARS. PLUS the fact that the car was parked in SUCH a beautiful angle in which half of the entire TYRE of your left butt was IN my parking zone, EVEN THOUGH THERE'S PLENTY OF SPACE ON THE OTHER SIDE AND YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE IN A RUSH GETTING IN, PLUS THERE'S PLENTY OF SPACE TO MOVE AND TO PARK, AND YOU'RE NOT A [P]REMATURE DRIVER, which stupid idiot WOULDN'T point to your car and say it's your fault? Old man tries to deny that the tyre was so far in, I held back so badly and raised my voice a little in a straight tone, stating that ALL the other guards here earlier can attest to the fact that THAT TYRE WAS MORE THAN INTRUDING INTO MY PARKING ZONE.

Every single bit of nonsense they had spouted, I had a SOLID counter-argument to it. And my counter-arguments weren't just baseless statements about 'this person doesn't lie'. I HAVE PROOF THAT WILL SHOOT BACK AT YOU IN COURT. What've you got? Impossibles that I can 'make' possible? Wow, at this rate I'm gonna be hailed as a god, making impossible things possible. Sheesh.

Yes yes CSY, I'm getting to the point of this long ridiculous post. And yes as you expected, it shoots back at myself. Feel like cursing myself for always looking at faults that I have before looking at others. Always kicks me back down and makes me feel horrible. It's like I can never win, and whatever battle I fight it's always a losing battle because in the end it's always my fault.

Anyway

Earlier as I peeked at the contents of the car (DA peeked first), I saw christian books on the passenger seat. Furthermore there was a Christian church camp T-shirt covering the passenger seat, one that I recognized from a friend's church (it was a double church camp, so 2 church names on the T-shirt). So obviously, either this person is a really tough anti-christ working hard at research, or is a Christian (i guess I had to go with the most likely. duh). That in itself took down most of my early fighting spirit to get this person to own up. I had already set an amount in my mind (a reasonable amount of RM100 for a repainting job, it's close to being the bare minimum), and had started preparing counter arguments for the situation. But knowing it was a Christian, I... Just couldn't think about trying to push it. Of course, I'd have wished the person would just own up and apologise and negotiate a fee; and had partially hoped that as a Christian, the person would offer that without any problems.

But when the lady came with her husband and started going like a typical malaysian "nonono i didn't do it it's not my fault", my guard against myself slowly dropped. I kept my cool and attempted to slowly watch and see how things would play through, but as the woman and her husband (and later the woman's father) started spouting more and more nonsense, I lost it all and had lost my cool. If you gave me a good argument to go by, I'd probably accept it and try to re-think about how to assess the situation. Or if you assessed the situation and slowly played it out by saying "I'm sorry about your car, but the scratch on mine has been on it for a while, and I'm not the cause of your scratch; I apologise for my poor parking, and I know it looks very misleading, but all I can offer is my assurance on it, that I did not do it, and if you really cannot believe me about it, we'll just have to report the situation to the police", then I'd be taken in not only by the confidence in saying such words and relying on nothing but giving the truth, but I'd also have to re-asses the situation, question my confidence in whether things would play out my way, and reconsider my actions and reactions.

But all they could offer was nonsense, nonsense, and more nonsense. I really really HATE it when people attempt to make a desperate attack at my intelligence level to the point of insulting me thinking I'm some half-idiot that was born in a ditch and raised in a water well. The moment that happens, more often than not I'll lose my guard and my cool, and go all out showing these people just how much of a 'brainless twit' I really am. Yes I really hate it when you attempt to make me think that my assumptions will NEVER be correct simply because I'm stupid. I don't just assume for the heck of it, I do so with reason and with experience in the matter. If I just assume without much fact to back myself up, I will ALWAYS tell you that that's just the surface level of what I think atm, I can't offer more cuz I don't know much about it. Ask ANYONE whom I talk to, they will tell you that my 'guesses', besides being quite correct at most times, are always based on fact and/or experience, and if I have insufficient data to use, I will ALWAYS say so.

Either ways... It was getting late, and I was getting really hungry (8.45pm). I told the husband that I'll take their word for it, DA asked them to move their car so he could get in, and we left just like that. I didn't want to make a report over a scratch, and it was obvious they wouldn't be paying for the damages, so no point attempting to delay even further.

At the start and the end of the whole thing, I had silently prayed to God, asking Him what I should do.

Didn't get an answer. Or if He DID answer, I'm probably so horrible in the heavenly sights that I'm deaf to His voice. Either ways, when she said she didn't do it the first time, my heart had already sank and I knew I wouldn't be asking her to pay for the damages. Even after I lost my cool and all, I still remembered that I probably still wouldn't be asking for payment; simply because she was a Christian. And if the person, Christian or not owned up at the very start, if he/she didn't have the amount in hand, I'd probably have refused payment at all. Call it being stupid (I'm sure one person in the house will definitely call me that regardless of reason), call it being an idiot, I guess I just succumb easily to honesty. Sure I'd get the family into deep hell for a week or so, but if it was to repay this person's honesty of owning up right from the start without even so much as an argument, I'd do it.

Coming to that. My main problem here wasn't having that scratch on my car. Heck I have plenty of other scratches on my rear bumper.

The main problem was the baka yarou at home that I'd have to face. I've already made the family suffer enough from him and his male ego dimwit fatalfury and numbnut actions. The reason I ignore him is because the more I do so, the less the family gets into a state of despair from his baseless accusations and expert capabilities of bringing non-related incidents (and people) into the fray. A close friend once asked me why I acted dumb and stupid in front of him to make him distrust my capabilities and intelligence so much. After getting that long naglecture and shelling from my dad for making him buy a new power coupling for the PC and STILL not being able to fix it, he realised; it's to make him to stop asking me to do stuff. The moment I make the slightest mistake possible, I'd hear it for half the day, and he'll use it to haunt me for the rest of my life. So if I pretend to have inferior capabilities, he won't ask me to do or fix anything, I stay OUT of the fray, and I reduce the shrapnel that flies and bounces off these four walls.

I realised it I guess. I have a fear of him. Not a fear of being lectured or nagged or yelled at or being physically abused; oh no. All of his basless arguments, I can easily reply in a normal speaking tone without much thought. They aren't really intelligent arguments anyway, just really stupid ones which I can counter with even MORE stupid, but still possible and workable arguments. I have confidence that I can out-argue him without fail. And when I say that, I say that with facts that will back me up and prove me right.

No. I am afraid I'll pull the family, especially my mother, into things. Since he never talks to be anymore, any insults he hurls at me are directed in a third person form, speaking bad about me TO my mother whilst I'm obviously within earshot. If you think that's low, he KNOWS I love my mother dearly, and proceeds to scold and harrass her to get me to do the things he wants me to do everytime something happens. Everything that's 'my fault', the wrath is directed to my mother.

Of course that doesn't take into account for things about my sister and maid, since the moment he gets mad, he scolds everyone other than me and my sister (sister's only when it's at the extreme), which be my mother and maid. When my maid messes up, the maid and my mom gets yelled at. When my sister messes up, he'll scold my mom for not teaching her properly, and get her to fix things. If my sister REALLY makes him angry to the extreme, even if my mom's not around, he'll badmouth about my mom to my maid, insult me within earshot, even if he's talking to no one in particular. Oh and by then, he'll be scolding my sister.

My sister of course, takes the cake. She loves our mom and me, respects the both of us (though I sometimes think she respects me more, as things that my mom asks her to do and when she dallies, 1 word from me and she'll do it albeit reluctantly), and has little respect for her father. I can clearly see his frustration in his daughter. He gives her loads of stuff and allows loads of things for her. He goes out of his way to do things for her, and breaks his own rules for her. He gives her the world, and barely attempts to instil discipline in her. And in return, she has no respect for him, talks back at him, scolds him, and doesn't really listen to his commands. Call me evil, but everytime an incident like this happens, if I'm upstairs in my room, I purposely leave the door open to hear every single thing. It's bad I know, but I feel a certain satisfaction in knowing that my sister loves and respects me more than she does for him.

I love my mother. I just don't get why it's hard for me to express my feelings for her to her. Blah. Like he says, I'm a stupid idiot anyway. Gotta live up to expectations. Heh.

At any rate, it's 5am. Mom just went up to her prayer room (alt tabbed haha). Not like that'll do anything anyway, she'll read my blog sooner or later. And it'll hurt her to know of my hatred for him. Then there'll be a series of self-degrading stupid nonsensical untruths that will (or may) follow her thought process. We're just not positive about ourself. Runs n the family I guess, my grandmother's the same too -___- Another generational curse? lol.

I just wanna say though, sorry CSY, if I've been a bit harsh to you in this post. But I really can't stand it when you counter my rants and thoughts by implying that I have an inferior mind like "How do you know this and this and that? You don't think that can happen? Who are you to think that won't happen? Who are you to say this about this person?". Yes I know that there are other possibilities and I won't deny that its possible for them to happen. But like I said, if I guess at something, I don't just guess, I use data, facts, and experience from myself and other people to guess. It's not a groundless guess, I have my support on it.

However, I'm not saying don't remind me to come back to earth; you're the the only Christian person I know who still does, and I REALLY appreciate it, I really do, you don't know how much I do. I need you to remind me to not over push myself too high. But you already know I'm a rather pessimistic person when it comes to my own self-worth. These are the only times where I can speak with confidence; to have them so directly crushed and stomped on just like that when I thought I was letting go some of these pented up feelings to a friend really hurts and gets to me. I've been able to endure and not get mad about it though, when it's you. I don't know why, I guess I just have some high chair for you to sit on and do as you please ahaha.

All I'm asking is, please, do be a little more gentle. My emotions and psychological state is already a huge mess held together by this annoying steel wire called sanity and responsibility towards those who still care for me and the people I can bless with what's left of me. As you've heard, if you were nicer, you'd be really datable. And really, that's just a nice way of asking you to lessen on the mean gestures. Jokes and friendly insults are fine, but when it's about serious matters, it can really hurt.

Please don't shun away from me either. But as a friend, I need you to know that it hurts, and I really hope you'll understand that. I guess I've told you before... But I still need to tell you. I love you, as a friend, and I really do care for you, and I really want the utmost best for you. I'm sorry I've been slacking in my prayer life, but when I do pray, especially recently, I remember you and your situation at home in my prayers. I want better for you, I sincerely do. At this point, you deserve it. You deserve more than I deserve in my current living life. At least to me, you do.

God

...

I'm sorry I've been having doubts about it.

But the next time there's a baptism class

I think I wanna start preparing myself to take it again.

Even though I've gone through foundation 101... 3-4 times.

Suyin told me that nobody is ever ready. Taking that step is a step of faith, and the will to change in my heart for You is what will make me ready.

It's gonna be more than a range of mountains to traverse across to 'prepare' myself for this, knowing the goals and bars that I've set for myself before being ready for baptism.

But the next time there's one

I promise

With my all that I have on the line

With what's left of this ridiculour life I've been leading

I'll do my best, and even force myself to get ready

Because when Suyin, the angel on earth You've sent to me isn't around to kick me

I gotta kick me myself.

And if my methods are wrong

if my direction is somehow swayed

I believe, with all my heart, and trust

that You will lead me back to the right path.

This is my conviction in my faith.

For as long as I am willing

You will never leave or forsake me.

Also, when it happens, I do hope Suyin will be able to make it to see me. It doesn't seem to be much to me being a christian for so many years...

But if it means a lot to her, then the least I can do as gratitude for standing by me, is sharing this moment with her.

There ain't no other Christian friend I'd really want to share it with anyway.

Thanks God

for promising to never abandon me.

Oh yeah

And thank you for bringing me into this world, on this very day, 24 years ago. It is You who breathed life into me and have guided my path.

Goodnight.

It's Tora the Explorer!

2010-01-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

My cousin's dog! An albino Pomeranian!

Cute, ain't he? xD His name's Tora. Tora the Explorer! xD

and my wet wet Arien whom I gave a bath

Wet wet sugar glider ahaha xD

Well... I'm literally out of cash now. I have to look for a job, I guess.

Thing is...

I don't know why. I've got a problem with it.

Everytime I start looking for a job via jobstreet... As I'm reading the requirements, the companies, the stuff...

I... get a surging gut feeling inside.

I get scared.

I have no idea why. But I get scared.

I start to feel the same feeling as when I'm about to cry. The uneasy stomach/gut feeling, then the change in temperature on the facial area... My heart starts beating irregularly... And if I don't control and hold back, I'd actually be crying.

I don't know why. I'm scared. Scared to hold a position and have a job.

Stop asking me why. I've told you before, loads and loads of times. I'm afraid. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Even if you ask me 101 times over, I still will give you the same answer; I DON'T KNOW WHY.

But you don't ever listen to my problems. Not anymore anyway.

Besides, I'm supposed to be old enough to take care of myself rite? Is that why you refuse to try to understand me, to try to help me with my psychological problems anymore? Is that why the only thing you can do is make me feel the horrendous guilt that I'm already facing so much? Is that why you've stopped being a ...... to me? Is that why you've stopped caring about me, about my interests, and about my life?

Is that why all you can EVER think of, when you see me, is "Have you gotten a job?"? Is that truly what's most important to you about me right now, that I have a job, regardless of my mental and emotional state?

Know why I refuse to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist? It's because I want you to understand me without needing someone else to write a prescription and a certificate to tell you that I have a problem. I'm right here, TELLING you that I have a problem, and the only problem you'll let your own eyes see is that I don't have a job.

And if you still won't understand me, then fine, I'll leave it at that. I'll live my life on my own, carry my own joys and burdens, and share them with my best girl/boyfriend who understands me for who I am: me.

Then again... Maybe that point has already passed. Maybe, deep down inside, I just have some stupid, naive, hopeful wish that you'll come to understand me and try to help me by NOT trying to grind me into your own set understanding. Maybe, somewhere, I'm just wishing on a star, that you'll open your mind and come to accept that I'm not the same as you, that I'm not like you, that I'm much different and have different types of problems; that I want you to understand those problems I have, and help me gently through them; and accept me for who I am, and not push me into the direction you want me to go.

Then again, I might as well jump up and down and yell 'fat hopes' (a term an uncle taught me). Cuz no matter how much I hope, no matter how much I wish, it's not gonna happen.

...
..

Fuck this.

Fuck the world.

Fuck life.

To hell with everything. I'm done trying to be patient.

When the Sun Refuses to Shine in the Night

2009-12-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

As stars twinkle at Night's bay
Telling of the end of the day
Only the Moon to show the right of way
While movements, in the shadows lay

Light of the Moon begins to fall
Heralding this, a lone wolf's call
Try as it might, the waning Moon to stall
hidden behind the darkness's wall

The sea has come, devoid of light
A blanket that hides everything in sight
A wave to wipe what's wrong and right
Against it, all are powerless to fight

Awaiting for the sun the shine
From the other side of the world, so fine
looking at these hands of mine
covered in blood thicker than wine

A whip with many strung ends I see
gripped firmly in these hands be
covered with flesh torn from Thee
Blood from Thine splatter onto me

In horror, these instruments I cast
Away from me, my face aghast
terrified by this image of the past
When Thy life were judged, not meant to last

The cries grow louder, the crowds cheer
For seeing a gruesome sight, they sneer
forgetting the one they praised, they jeer
Away from Thy presence, they veer

Yet where am I, but amongst the crowd
Screaming and yelling harshly, so loud
Their cries to condemn are haughty and proud
The promise to follow Thee, is this what I vowed?

tears fall silently, i sob and i weep
realising not in me the evil that did seep
such a price to pay for me, so steep
with such a debt to Thee, how couldst I ever sleep

my failure to comprehend keeps me afar
from Thy grace and glory with doors ajar
shunning from these, myself do I mar
ever running from being on par

When will come the time for me
to realise, to be all that i could be
in Thee that i in vain try to see
with these soiled eyes; will i ever see?

the sun that shines will never cease
yet with these eyes, muddied with grease
and in torn clothing, unsightly with crease
is it Thee or myself that i try to appease...?

a hole be found, a longing be there
knowing the answers yet denying care
swaying and running has led to nowhere
how long more would Thee be waiting right there...?

this serving of passion that is put to simmer
the fire always grows brighter and dimmer

when will this flame i have be strong
to do what's right and reject what's wrong

when will my heart learn to stand
and not waver on thread of a strand

when can i look to You
and say that my love is true

when will i learn
And truly understand
that Your concern
which I may comprehend

For me
is more
than
anything i could ever have
imagined
it
to
be?

Of a Different Kind of Need

2009-12-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling t3h depressed again.

Why this uninteresting, unsuprising depression you ask?

Well, it's my life really.

It's boring.

When I look at my friends' blogs, journals and WPs, I feel... So incredibly left out.

All I ever do or WANT to do every day is to just laze around and play games on my PSP.

I hate 'work'.

I hate having to sit in an office 8 hours a day staring at a computer screen doing things I get so awesomely bored at to get money and to be labeled as 'a contributing citizen'.

I envy those people who are in the jobs that they are thoroughly enjoying so much.

Find a job that I want to do? Yeah, well, that kinda thing doesn't have a market in Malaysia. In fact, it's so horrible here that those people only do it as a part time and have an actual full-time office job.

GAWD my life is boring.

Why is my life boring? Why can't it vibrant and fun like other people's? Why can't it be filled with pictures of fun times, photos of laughter, memories of joy?

My 'fashion sense' is boring. The clothes that I wear are awesomly boring and the same. So many clothes I'd love to try out, but they're all girls' clothes; ie. not something I can actually wear and not be labeled as a 'mental problem'. Then again I understand the limits of my gender, and thus have to live with it. But I want a change in my outlook.

I want a change. I want a change in my look, my character, my outgoing, my pasttime, my job...

I want a change in my entire life.

Work for it.

Yeah that's what everyone says. Sadly for me, I'm unmotivated to work for it.

I just don't have this thing called 'self motivation' that drives some people to the very top.

It just doesn't work that way for me.

I try and try and try. But it just doesn't work. I don't get the hype, the feel, the blood pumping; I don't get the adrenaline and the urge to move by motivating myself.

I'm not like you, who can.

Yeah, you're right. So in the end, it's just my problem. I'm an idiot who can't help myself be who I want to be.

And that brings me nowhere. I'm back to square one.

So what's the point of this entire post again?

The point was to hope that someway somehow, someone out there who still reads my blog (I caount 2 people... ahaha... Don't worry you guys, I love you. Seriously. As in I love you friends. Not some other manner. >_>) would send me a message so motivating that it would motivate me into moving without stopping.

That's the thing. Once I get it going, I can keep it going myself. Starting is always the hardest, eh? The starting failures also... ah never mind.

See, I already know my the answers to my problems. No one needs to tell me them. I've always been able to figure out the answers to my problems n my own all this time.

It's just... It gets really lonely.

And sometimes... I just wish that someone would surprise me in giving me an answer that they wouldn't normally give.

Like one of my blogreaders suddenly being awesomely nice when I TALK to the person.

Seriously. You can give really encouraging and uplifting messages, emails and SMSes. Ones that are really... unexpected, and can seriously make me cry on the spot. But when I talk to you on the phone, it just bites like hell. lol.

Anyway, it's getting really late. And Arien needs to eat.

Poor girl, taking a bath for the first time in her life. Must've scared the heck outta her ahaha.

So...

Gnite guys.

God...

I guess the first thing I need to change

is my spiritual life.

I need to change God.

If I don;t...

I don't even deserve to live.

There would be no point in living. I'd be a hindrance and a nuisance to everyone I know.

If I'm not one already.

God...

My spirit is willing, but my heart isn't.

Even if it's against the will of my body and heart

please change according to what you want me to be

please.

I don't want to go on like this...

Gnite guys.

God loves you, and so do I.

Might this be the end?

2009-11-05T01:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Truth be told, I don't feel like posting here anymore. A certain someone seems to have found my blog, and I have not the least bit of interest in this person reading through my intimate entries at all. Suffice to say that in all my years of living, this person would be the 2nd person I could very well truthfully and sincerely admit that I hate.

But let's not go there. I come to post today, because of an uncertainty in my heart.

I've just only read through a few testimonies about God being good to His people.

I'm sure you all know about people praying to God and God answering their prayers, be it of a sizeable magnitude or a seedling's worth. They have been asked for, and given unto them.

In this person's testimony, the person acquired something that was not due for the person. While the person had been subjected to an unfair state of being forgotten and by-passed whether by intention or by mistake, the person was given a post, which was meant to be rotational among fellow people, and was made so for the rest of the year (the rotational post was the one that somehow bypassed this person).

Then at the end of the year, a certificate was issued for this person, stating that a slightly higher position had been entrusted to her (instead of assistant, the certificate said it was the leader's position). After explaining the situation, a transfer who had been holding another position months before had returned and held the position stated in her certificate. But because that transfer had a different position before, he was given a cert for that position, while the testifying received the cert for the 'leader's position.

While one would certainly be joyful about it, I can't help but wonder; is that the right way to do things?

While certainly the stupidity and moronisity of mankind comes into question almsot every day of life, is it alright to give someone a cert stating that they have achieved something; the same something which they had not? Is it alright to be awarded for something one did not do? Does one's conscience not do a double flip one one is praised for something that is owed to someone else?

While yes I agree that it happens plenty in the world, but for one who prays to the same God I put my trust and faith on, is that anywhere near acceptable?

The same way goes for prizes and medals. Is it really alright to pray to win a medal or a competition? While I would understand praying for a good memory, a bright mind and a good eye during exams to spot out questions and to answer them because one has asked God to help them stay bright and awake, and to have a good fresh memory to remember all that they have learnt before... Is it the right thing to do to pray to win a competition?

I understand if one is heavily burdened by financial problems, and winning a competition would give them a sufficient cash prize to serve their needs; in that circumstance I would consider it acceptable to pray to win.

But when personal satisfaction is the only thing one longs for, would praying for a win really be considered an acceptable prayer at all? If one has worked hard for it, then I believe one should pray for God's will to be done. And while winning would be exhilarating for one's self, losing would not mean the end of the world, and one should take that as God's way of telling "it's not something I want for you". Praying for a win is...

Not understandable. Not for me.

But

Some months ago, my mom asked me to pray for my sister, She would be entering some exam-quiz-competition thing in her school, and she had studied up for it. My mom asked me to pray for her to win the competition. With my understanding, I said I would not, for what sense is there if one prays to win when one doesn't deserve to? I believe that one should pray for God to bring the utmost best in them, and if winning the competition is within reach AND is God's will, then by all means. So I did exactly what I said I would do. I prayed for her to remember all her studies, prayed for a fresh and awake mind, prayed for her to be smart doing her exams, and for God to just bring the best that she can do out of her, that she would do to the best of her abilities.

She didn't win. My mom told me about it during dinner one day after the results were out. I counterjected that perhaps she forgot her studies, but my mother said that my prayer had worked. She remembered all her studies, remembered all her previous work, and had done the exam to her utmost best of capabilities that her current state had to offer. But she still did not win. She just wasn't good enough. The dejected look on my sister's face broke my heart, and in a male-ego manner, I flatly put it that she didn't study hard enough for it, and walked off.

I hate my memories and my brain. All these things that haunt me, all these images that torture my mind, my emotions and test my sanity appear at the times when my mind is not preoccupied. It wears me down to constantly pull up a straight face against them. Feelings of regret, of guilt, of depression, of hatred, all these negative emotions, bottled up in me, seem to tease and taunt me from within the jar that I have kept them in. While they cannot escape and attack me directly, they constantly make sure to use every means to get at me. Why do you think I hate it so much when people disturb my gaming? Why do you think I even game so incessively for? Why do you think I refuse to offer an explanation as to why I play so many games, and refuse to stop?

I guess I need prayer. No, I KNOW I need prayer. Healing and deliverance. Forgiveness. Maybe even exorcism. I've been holding back that random urge to strike up one of Lei WuLong's animal martial arts poses. I've heard of a friend who went through exorcism and did a bunch of strange chinese martial arts poses, when he himself had never studied them. I'm afraid that might happen. I'm afraid to know that I'm possessed. I probably am, but am probably too proud to want to admit that I could be sbjected to that.

Anddddd I've strayed from the tpoic.

WEll, at least I got that off my chest. Now to get it off my shoulders... ahaha...

And hey, Ben, if you ever read this, don't you ever dare become like me alright? I'll bash the senses into you if you ever do. Live your own life man lol :P (random I know but w/e ahaha I wudn't be Brian if I weren't random)

God

Why don't I dare to?
Why can't I give up what I know and understand, for You?

If having amazing tearful ecstasy means you shoot everything, laugh fantastically.

2009-08-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

My emotions are a mess, my thoughts are in chaos and I'm at a loss for what to do.

To cut it short, I'm probably really REALLY disappointed with myself.

Probably. I don't know.

So instead of a post, here's something I really really like atm.

It feels so good to rock it out by yourself in your car with the stereo system blasting away. Lost in your own world, no one can hear what's going on, and you don't have to care about disturbing anyone or the strange stares you may get from passers-by. And the sore throat and screaming your lungs out to the extent that you can barely speak the next day just feels so fulfilling.

Probably why I love driving.

~~~

Casting Crowns - American Dream

All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy
But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul
But he's moving on full steam
He's chasing the American dream
And he's gonna give his family finer things

“Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play”
And then he slips into his new BMW
And drives farther and farther and farther away

Cause he works all day and tries to sleep at night
He says things will get better;
Better in time

[Chorus]
So he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

Well his American Dream is beginning to seem
More and more like a nightmare
With every passing day
"Daddy, can you come to my game?"
"Oh Baby, please don't work late."
Another wasted weekend
And they are slipping away

'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night
He tells them things are getting better
Just take a little more time

[Chorus]
So he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"
But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end
I'll take a shack on the rock
Over a castle in the sand

Now he works all day and cries alone at night
It's not getting any better
Looks like he's running out of time

[Chorus]
'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands
And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you

~~~~

Oh yeah, the title reminds me of the titles I read from Hayate the Combat Butler. But it's a coded message. See if you can figure it out, it's the most basic of secret codes. :)

A Call and Promise in Times of Need

2009-06-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've just had a very, VERY exhilarating day. Is that the right spelling?

Why's that you ask?

Because... I believe I was... Useful. Hopefully. In the way that I want to be.

Basically me, AM and ~~CSI~~ CSY got together to have a little supper and chatted for a while. We chatted about plenty of random stuff haha... (felt a bit like a lamppost lol... But can't blame them since they're old friends getting together after a while kinda thing, so I guess I was alright with that. I mean hey, I'm driving two hawt girls around xD And yes AM and CSY, if you're reading this, I still think you're both hawt >_> and no it's not creepy -___-;; I'm just a guy, I have hormones 8D)

Anyway, after that I sent AM home, and sent CSY back. But we stayed in the car and chatted until like... 2.07am (yeah, it's still THAT fresh in my mind lol).

I guess it was a refreshing chat. Exchanging information, getting to know a bit more about her, sharing a bit more about myself...

But I guess it was... Exhilarating (not the right word too use.. more like really satisfying?) because...

Well, because I could function as the friend that I wanted to be, for her.

I guess I've said it plenty before, but I'll still say it again. I want to be there for my friends, when they need someone. If I'm the first or last resort, it doesn't matter. I want to help, with anything, with all that I can do, for my friends.

In this case, it was lending a listening ear. I know that there's a possibility she'd say that she already told some other friends, and that she's not really ranting and all, and that it was pointless or any of that sort of thing... But whatever it was, I'm glad that I could lend an ear (and some hopefully USEFUL thoughts and advice) to her. I guess I did feel a bit special back there (eheheh... sorry ><) but it felt good. It felt like I was really doing something worthwhile. It felt that just by lending an ear, I was doing something that I could really smile about. As if I had achieved part of my purpose in life.

Well it could just be me getting ahead of myself... But it doesn't matter, does it? What matters to me, is that I've done all I could for her for that moment, and I'm glad I did what I could. I'm glad that (hopefully) she feels a little better after that.

And CSY, didn't it feel better after getting that off your chest? Even if it didn't, doesn't it feel better to know that someone cares about the random nonsense that you go through, that someone cares about you? I know now that you have a problem about getting close, and I'm willing to help you bridge that problem and walk over it. Even if I'm to be your stepping stone, as your friend, I WANT to be that stepping stone, so that you'll grow more. Trust me, I know how it feels to be insecure about things, and I myself don't have that kind of trust with people. But I know that it hinders you from having a more beautiful life, and I don't want that. What I meant before about "having lots to work on you", was this. I want to help you slowly take apart that inner wall, brick by brick, and slowly lead you into the light, where you can find it in yourself to share, and to get closer. It doesn't have to be with me, and it doesn't have to be done by me. As long as I know that you've reached there, I'll be glad for you all the same. And I'll ALWAYS gladly hear out your rants, should you ever need a listening ear. Okay? I promise. :)

And about that someone's position... Even if she IS dooming herself, doesn't that make it all the more important to be with her and supportive in case she actually does? If she is already edging herself to the cliff, wouldn't it be all the more important for us as friends to be there for her, to be ready to grab her and pull her back up? I know that it's hard for you. Even if you say that you're over about it and you don't put any thought or emotion into it, your words and your tone was tinted with bitterness, and probably more of disappointment. But that's why I'm still being close, being around. She's a friend, and I don't want to just stand by and see her fall off without being able to do anything. I was once in a position to do something, but I faltered and found excuses. As a result, I was too late. It made me realise how stupid and careless I was to think that time lasts forever. As you already know, it's important and urgent. And as a friend who cares about her, I want to be there for her, if ever that need arises. I did what I did because I believed it would help her, in one way or another. Whether it is actually returned or not is not so much of an ordeal for me, because if she grows because of that, then that's all that really matters to me. Of course, it is in my best interest to remain friends with her. I don't plan to make any moves that may make her feel guilty in any way. But of course plans do fail, and I pray that God will oversee this entire matter, and in one way or another, clear the way for her back to Him, and hopefully gently guide her along that road once more.

It's hard for us to be 'friends' in that sense, if we give up on anyone. We don't have to always be evangelical, sometimes it just takes being an image of Jesus, being kind and caring to someone, through their lightest and darkest hours, that helps clear the image of Him in their eyes. I understand how hard it is sometimes, and there are just some people that I too am prejudice towards, and sometimes behave inappropriately. But we are only humans and we ask for forgiveness, then we pick ourselves up and try again, and learn more from Him. Because if we choose not to be the mirror that reflects His light onto their paths, sometimes it may never happen again for them, and they may fall forever into the darkness. I've... Been there before, and I don't want that to ever happen again.

Of course, I've got a long way to go. I can safely say that you're probably ahead of me in terms of spiritual walk, if there is even a way to measure it. I've been mellow and lukewarm on many different occasions, and have not been on fire and in passion for Him for a long time. But I hope that one day, I'll finally get it, and until then I'll do just what I can. And "when I can't cope, Jesus offers hope."

(and btw, yes it kinda hurt. Maybe you still didn't understand it, but yeah I guess I'm a bit too sensitive and I do feel the sting if it's done overly way too often all at once without rest. While I DID say the same thing about someone else, I know how bad it feels, that's why I don't intentionally tell it to anyone. I'm still a guy, and a guy needs his ego for self-confidence. While too much is bad, too little leads to insecurities. So yes crushing a guy's ego is good and all, but over-crushing it is bad. Especially for those who already lack self-confidence from the start. :) but like I said, I'm a bit too sensitive and it may be just me cuz I know you were just joking and all, but I thought you should know, because we're friends, and I trust you. ^_^)

And for all of you who're reading this post, if you know me, then you're a friend. And if you're a friend, I'll do my best to help you out with all my power, if it's possible for me. I do have loads of times where I'm unavailable to be there physically, and there are times when I just falter, or was in a bad mood (it'd have to be an extremely bad mood though) and mostly times when I try to help you to 'fix' things, or try to overwhelm with knowledge and stuff like that (and maybe sometimes try to force my 'religion and beliefs' into your face ><). But if you're willing to forgive me and need someone to talk to or help with ANYTHING at all, you probably have my number or e-mail address. And if you're reading this, there's always this blog to contact me. Whatever it is, I promise that I'll do my best to help you out, no matter what help you need, as long as it's within my capability to do so.

Oh, please try not to ask for money atm, I'm still broke from lending some friends a huge amount xD;; And Try NOT to ask for money at ANYTIME, cuz really, it's not really nice >< I mean I'll STILL lend you the money if I figure that you really DO need it (like need to pay a loan shark the full sum NOW and settle everything for good), then I will give what I can. But otherwise, it's really not nice to borrow a large sum from a friend just cuz you wanna buy a new shirt or something for long period of time ya? It's straineous on most friendships. I'm just saying don't make it a habit to go ask friends to lend you large sums. I may be fine with it, but other people may not be. Asking for a SOLUTION to money problems would work though :)

Alright, I need to go to sleep. Some goon that's going to Aus in 2 days is bugging me a lot about it, so I guess I'd better go before he bisings anymore <__>

So Goodnight guys!

God

I'm glad that I could be of use to your people, to your children. If I may be so bold, please do use me for the sake of Your children more. And in any way that You should choose to, if I may be usable at all.

It's probably what I was brought here to do, isn't it? :)

Good night, God.

The Day I Desire To Celebrate

2009-06-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Is the day that I dread living in.

Yeah, today was (well still is I guess ahaha) Father's Day. The day the whole of Earth acknowledges to acknowledge the hard work and dedication all fathers have put into providing and raising their families and kids.

I want to celebrate this day. Oh so badly in fact.

Because... I've never had a father.

One whom I can turn to when I'm having problems or questions about myself and things around me, one whom I can enjoy time with and laugh with...

One whom I can love and trust to lead and teach me to be a strong leader in the family that I may (and hopefully will) build in the future.

Oh yeah, I have a biological father. The man who provided the sperm that grew into this thing that's typing this blog right now. There's also the financial father, who provided money for me to survive by putting (some of the) food on the table and a roof over my head.

But... I don't have a FATHER father. I don't have a man whom I can lovingly hug and cuddle into (when I was younger at least), whom I can share interesting 'man' times with, whom I can discuss embarrassing secrets that I can't possibly tell my mom, whom I can approach about problems that I'm facing and expect a loving and caring and understanding answer...

I've got none of that.

I WANT to celebrate father's day. Because when I do, it means that I have that father. It means that I have the privilege of calling this man, my father, and be proud of him.

But I don't. I don't have that kind of a person in my life. My biological father was never there. My financial father would rather have me out of his life than anything else. Don't say that it isn't true mom, I have a very sharp ear, and I hear all the small and frustrated complaints that he has about every single aspect of my life. I can hear these things, and I know he doesn't want me around.

It doesn't matter whether that house is not strategic. The reason I want that house so badly, besides the fact that it's huge and probably cheap, is that I want to get away from here. As said before, the more I'm around him, the more bitter I grow each day. I have submitted more times than I can count, for the sake of this family, and for the sake of the Bible's commandments, to honour my father and my mother. But when he doesn't behave like my father, I feel that I have the right to dis-acknowledge him as my father.

Perhaps behaving strategically strict and sometimes mean towards my sister is part of a bigger plan to 'outdo' him. She already confessed to my mom that she loves our mother the most, and me her brother, the second. Her father only comes in third. Why is that, even though he gives her everything, and I'm strict and only lenient and free about 50% of the time? I notice myself that I'm strict with her very often, telling her to do her homework, practice her gym-rama sequences or doing her splits, uphold moral values and do house chores and other stuff like that. I guess I'm teaching her more in a father's position than a brother would. So why does she love me more?

Probably part of the psychological process I 'studied' up about family relations. I dunno. All I know is... It seems as if it's all part of my sinister plan to get back at him for treating me like that all these years; by making my sister love me more than him. While it really sounds and feels like sweet revenge... It's not right. I know it's not right.

But the line's drawn between using that as a motivation for these actions, and NOT using that as a motivation. It's either I'm doing it for that purpose, or I'm doing it just because I want to teach my sister well. Hey, seriously though, she listens to me, and disrespects him a lot.

*sigh* and that's why I dread this day. When people ask me what I'm getting for my father, I'm forced to reveal the dark and ugly side of my life. Me hating my stepfather. What kind of Christian hates their own father, even if it's their stepfather? I'm a horrible example of one, I'm sure. Being human and imperfect is no excuse.

I'm just waiting for the day that my sister starts coming to me to talk about personal problems. I want to share that kind of a relationship with her, even if it's about her physical self. Of course as her brother, I'd respond in a brotherly and matter-of-fact method regarding physical stuff. I can't be overly concerned, or it might be dangerous. As the 'father' of my sister, I'd want to share that kind of relationship with her. Cuz hey, I love her, and I want her to trust me fully. :)

Well... This has gone long enough. Time for me to close, and go to bed.

Dear God

Bless my blogreaders.

And God...

Do clean this mess in my life. I've tried enduring it, but the other party would not comply. As a result, I've gotten bitter and frustrated. Please, clear this part of my life. I too, want to celebrate father's day like a normal child.

It's the only thing (besides You) that's missing in my life.

Ah. eheh.

Good night.

Heartbreaking Moments

2009-06-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

I stared at the screen and the keyboard for a while before typing out this post.

I'm just feeling so sad, disappointed and (the all too cliche) depressed that I don't even know where or how to begin this post.

Why is it that most of my posts are just plain depressive, some people have asked and/or complained.

It's because... That's my life.

Happiness and short-lived joy is there, oh yes there are times when these occurrences do happen.

But other than that, and other than the boring everyday normal routine part of my life...

It's sadness.

If it's too depressing to read my blog, then don't, please. I don't want to make people even more depressed.

It's not the way I view life, it's the way I feel. It's not that I'm purposely trying to view things in a saddened and negative way, it's the NORMAL way I see things that are happening or have happened to me.

I don't CHOOSE to be sad and depressed.

I just am... Because it's how I feel. I don't CHOOSE to feel this way, it's not within my control to WANT to feel happy or sad. Even if I DID want to see things in a more positive manner, it's not how I normally perceive things. I CAN, I'm not saying I can't, I CAN. It just doesn't strike me first on my mind regarding things about myself...

...

I don't even know what I was babbling about back there...

It was an important practice session for the FGA Performing Arts Department today. We were 'presenting' for the extras and the off-stage crew to let them get the general idea of the play, so that they could plan for their entry points and parts to play.

I was up as the main character, Joseph (son of Jacob, not the father of Jesus). We have 2 Josephs, and I was the one to play him today.

I thought I had done fairly well. I had been stressed and down throughout the week, thinking about my parts and my lines, my acting and my portrayal of the character. I admit I wasn't eating, living and breathing the character, that's just too much for me. But I DID put effort to think through my lines, to go through the parts of the play in my mind, mapping out my movements and feelings, facial expressions, and such.

Most of the cast didn't deliver well though. We got an earful from our director.

I stayed back after everything was over to have a chat with her. I wanted to ask about my performance today. I was feeling a little nervous because I felt that I had done better today.

She had a long long chat with our music director. So I waited and chatted with the music director's son while waiting.

When she was finally done...

...

I don't even know how to begin. Or say it for that matter.

To put it simply, in her eyes, I hadn't done ANYTHING AT ALL to work on my character portrayal. It was as if I had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL for the past week.

She was frustrated that I kept putting my head down, allowing my hair to get into my face, then brushing it aside. "Half of the entire performance, I see you doing just that" was what she said.

Fine I will admit, my hair WAS getting into my face. I guess I'll probably just spray it up the next time to make sure it doesn't get into my face ever again. (not that I said any of this, mind you).

Then came the part that I really felt hurt about.

She started exclaiming that "Hwaa, I'm in The Canticle Singers, I've been in Operafest, I've been performing for so so so many years, this is what I've done, and I'll accept it", 'imitating' me so to speak.

I have absolutely NO FRIGGIN IDEA where that came from, but I'm guessing she was trying to tell me that I came across as arrogant, filled with pride, and totally the opposite side of humble?

I didn't understand. I have never tried to even MENTION my 'superiority' in performing experience, neither have I ever used TCS as a grounds as to show that I've done more than anyone ever has. Yes I've said that TCS requires WAY more commitment than any of our church productions have ever had, but that was just as a comparison of the level of commitment the general cast has seemed to show. And these were merely private conversations, not ONCE have I ever mentioned that I've been in so many productions therefore what I think is right is the way things should be done; no I have never EVER said that.

I have NEVER EVER used my experience as a foothold to reason about things. As a comparison, yes, if need be, but I DO NOT use it as a way to tell people that I am superior in any manner.

IF ANYTHING AT ALL, I have REFRAINED from talking about my past experience entirely.

So why, WHY did she have to say that?

and it wasn't once or twice, or even three times, but MANY TIMES did she 'imitate' that.

And it hurt me.

It hurt me very, very deeply.

Even if she ever says that it wasn't personal, THAT ITSELF was a PERSONAL ATTACK directed RIGHT at me.

It hurt.

So badly.

No, that was not who she was before. Before, yes she was stern and strict. But no matter what, she was still sensitive, and understood people's FEELINGS.

This is nowhere NEAR that.

The reason why I cannot work to make myself better than the other person playing Joseph, is because I believe that isn't the right way to do about things.

If this were an outside production, then yes, I will push myself to compare and compete with anyone else casted into my role as well. That would be competition, and in a competition, I will strive to be better than my rival.

But this is different. He isn't my rival, he's my friend, casted alongside me to bring this production into fulfillment, with God backing us BOTH. There is NOTHING to compete about, the only pushing is to push ourselves to make ourselves better to reach the audience, and to do better for God.

I fight with myself a lot, trying to push away the thoughts of "Am I doing better than he is? What can I do to outdo him in terms of this and that?". While it may be healthy competition, I know that I get jealous easily, and that's why I have to keep all thoughts of competition away. Because I cannot be jealous over how well he does certain things. He has his way, I have my way. We are both different people, we have our strengths and weaknesses. We may hold the same role, but our performance would be different, simply because we ARE different.

And yet... She strives so hard to compare us both together, talking about places where he does way better than I do.

I guess this is where being twins suck really bad, especially when you're the one who's on the lower end of the performance level.

I admit, there were parts where I wasn't thinking about what to do. I simply didn't know what to do. So I ended up stoning a little on the stage.

But I didn't want to do what the other Joseph does. He struts around the stage acting funny. My interpretation of a TEENAGER doesn't do that. To me, that's what little kids do. If you want me to act funny, sure I can. But it doesn't seem real to me at all, and truthfully I won't be feeling it. I would just feel like I'm acting stupid/silly on stage.

*sigh*

Either ways...

I'm not performing up to par.

I had been worrying myself the whole week, to the point of taking a muscle relaxant just to ease the tension down a little... Feeling stressed, afraid that I wouldn't perform up to standards again...

Short to say, I could point out many reasons as to why I didn't 'feel' certain scenes, places I WAS doing as she had instructed (but it seemed like she never took notice of me), places where I was doing what I was doing because of what circumstances from my thought process.

But it seemed that the more I tried to explain my thought process to let her know what I was thinking, the more it seemed to her that I'm trying to tell her what I'm doing is right and that I'm 'unteachable'.

I'm not trying to be 'unteachable', or trying to tell her what to do, or that I'm right! I'm just merely trying to explain why I did that, and to ask for a correction in my thought process, so that I can think it through again and act accordingly! I spoke in a slow, explaining manner, nothing NEAR an arrogant way of speech! I was trying my best to be humble, to explain that this is what my thought process brought through, so how do I work on it!

I was NOT being arrogant or prideful! I wasn't trying to be unteachable!

*heavy sigh*

I guess I can never ever try to explain why I do things ever again. I just wanted to know if there should be a correction in my thought process... but every time before I could finish explaining, I would be cut off and told off that I'm not doing it right...

It's getting very VERY tiring and emotionally stressful as well... The only reason why I didn't burst out crying in front of her was because I kept my silence, only nodding to certain sentences...

Feeling so emotionally drained now... I just want to cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning and cry some more...

And it's not that I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want to.

But whenever I need someone at these dreadfully sorrowful times...

Everyone's asleep...

And... I just can't find it in myself to be important enough to bother to wake people up just to rant and cry on... People need their sleep after all. I know they do.

Thank goodness I had already asked my usual friends out for a night of gaming. My focus being pulled entirely into playing the game, I could forget about everything for that brief moment, and let my emotions settle down...

I'm hurt.

I just want to bleed until I lose consciousness...

and watch the light slowly fade away...

Nobody would notice me being gone anyway...

Nobody outside my immediate family of course. I'm just not worth that much anyway. I can't even perform well in the thing I'm supposed to do best.

God...

Bless my blog readers.

Even if You choose to not be with me, please, be with those who still regard me as a person in their lives.

That... Is my most precious request.

Good night.

tired and breaking

2009-06-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

hie

i'm tired, and my body's falling apart, i think

i'm not sick yet. though i really wish i would be just so sick that i couldn't get out of bed. it's been a while since i had that and i really want a break.

things have been stressful as of late. production in church is giving me the main stress... which is unbelievable that the stress i'm getting is wearing me down physically and emotionally.

i guess continually feeling that i've got close to zero talent in the thing i thought i could do the best is really the matter here. it may not be personal, but the words used are. i continually feel like i'm not doing enough, that i need to push myself to do more than i usually do.

it's good in a way. i haven't been pushed like this before, and it's great that i finally have to WORK to act well; to perform well.

but when i come home tired every day, finding little time even for myself, it gets really stressful. especially when you're handed more responsibilities and your management skills suck horribly.

i feel like i wanna just break down and cry.

but i can't.

i just can't.

if i said the reasons, i'd be told off. you don't understand. it's in the time, at this very moment. now. here.

all i need is 3 words. right now, right here. right next to me.

but circumstances tell that it won't and probably will never happen.

cuz it never happens when i'm with anyone. or the time is wrong.

i'll always be truthful. if i feel sucky, i'll say i feel sucky.

i just wish...

nah. wishful thinking. have to stop doing that and face the facts.

nobody stays close enough to drag me out for sudden random supper anyway. ahaha.

it's at times like these i really wish i had a sibling closer to my age. or even a twin. sister.

haha yeah, not over not feeling comfortable with guys yet. so it's a girl it's got to be. :P

anyway... muscle relaxant i took isn't working. i barely feel any less relaxed than before i took it. still i should go to bed.

oh, after i finish this Dynasty Warriors: Strike Force mission that I was halfway doing earlier. :P

Goodnight guys.

God...

Bless my blogreaders.

Good night.

Guess what!?

2009-06-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

I blogged!

Ahahaha

yeah, I know, it's been ages since I last blogged.

Guess there's not really much that I really want to share lately. It's been busy busy for me and performance week (Be Our Guest), and I haven't really had the time to gather my thoughts and think coherently again.

Are people who can think coherently so much more attractive than those who have 101 brilliant spontaneous ideas but aren't coherent...?

Anyway...

Just to note, I may be closing down this blog. It's been too long, and I've lost the desire to blog. I can't exactly rant out my feelings here anymore. Even if I wanted to, I'd probably be hurting someone's feelings and whatnot, so as someone advised me, I shan't rant out here anymore. And as I have no other avenue of release, I'll just pent up everything again! wahahaha! lol...

Anyway recently, I've been having feelings for this young lady.

She's really sweet, she's hawt! She's a really lovable person, and best of all, she shares my gaming habits!

Trouble is... She's of another faith. The one that is near impossible to get out of in this country.

And because of that, as long as I'm not having a conversation with her, my self-defence mechanism forces my mind to drift away from her. Questions and doubts arise along with negative logic, making me think more and more about it till it hurts.

So as a result... I'm way confused over the entire thing...

And now, I've also developed feelings for another girl (again... *groan*). I used to have feelings for her in the past, but because we grew apart it kinda left itself hanging and slowly dissipated away.

The thing is... She's cute, petite, has a lovely personality, loves God, loves kids (she's a kindergarten teacher), and... Well basically if anyone met her, they'd like her instantly. Lately she's been in need of comforting, and well, I availed myself to her...

The thing is... She's innocent.

So innocent.

I know the level at which my person has been corrupted to. My mind's so far corrupted that I... Well let's just say I'm just damned corrupted haha. And now... To even think about spending life with a person who's so innocent...

I couldn't bring myself to it. I don't want to corrupt her. I don't want to bring her down to my level. She's better off looking for another innocent, pure holy guy who'll really take her even higher, not a lowly corrupted lowlife as I am.

Don't even begin to ask me "how do you know?". I just know. It's easy to tell from the way they act, react, from their speech, and from their personality. It's easy to tell how corrupted and at what angle and degree they are.

She's just... so pure and innocent.

I can't bring myself to do it.

So what am I waiting for?

I guess I really don't know.

I need a new job. Something that makes me WANT to stay awake and go to work. But at the same time, I fear that my skills and capabilities aren't enough for what I think may be a good career choice. I fear that I lack what it takes. I fear that I will disappoint and fail.

I'm afraid of disappointing myself. Failing to achieve my level of perfection. Or at least an acceptable level for myself.

I'm still at that place where I think too much. Having the lack of self-motivation doesn't help it one bit. I'm just lacking in the drive to push myself to excel. Lacking the yearning to want to do better than I can. If I fail, and I don't know how to succeed, I'll probably fail again, and so there it stops.

I remember when my college classmates were mocking this guy they had videotaped, who said he had a 'fear of failing'. I can relate to that very well. It's not so much of failing in what you do, it's failing to reach your own personal standards, disappointing yourself, and afraid of not being able to pick yourself up again. While life is always full of challenges, I'm still afraid to face challenges what I have no sure-fire answer as to how to conquer it.

I guess that's the most important trait I'd need in my future spouse (next to God): the ability and DESIRE to motivate me. I can't draw motivation from myself. I'd need someone or something or a situation to make my mind work.

Otherwise... I might just fail at life.

And that's also partially why I play games so much. It pulls my attention and focus in, leaving me little to no time to think about anything else other than the game itself. While that may be a bad thing or avenue of escape, it's the only one that works on me right now. Sometimes I want to just stop thinking for a moment and rest. And in order to do that, I'd have to game.

Neverending vicious cycle. Ahaha.

Anyway, I gotta go. ran out of things to say anyway.

Here's to the next post, whenever it may be.

God,

do bless my blogreaders
if there are any left. :)

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

2009-05-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

No I'm not having confusions about my gender. (at least not again. ahahaha) Well my latest pic seems to have caught the attention of quite a number of people, all asking "is that a girl?" ahaha well I'm sorta proud of that. It means that my figure has slimmed down enough to look 'feminine' again. xD And hey, that's good, since I'm supposed to be losing weight.

Strangely I'm still stuck at 78kg... x_x

Anyway, haven't blogged in a while (duh). Main reason why was... Because I don't know what to blog about. I'd blog about a few ranty stuff... But if I'm not mistaken that person still reads my blog, so I can't. (yeah who knew I gave a damn about what people think eh >_>) And there's nothing much that has been happening in my life lately soo...

Owh.

I'll be singing in a performance called "Be Our Guest", a compilation of different songs and medleys of different musicals. I'll be starting us off by hosting our title song, "Be Our Guest", from Beauty And The Beast xD We'll be doing some pretty interesting stuff which includes the medley of Sweeney Todd, medley of a collection of pieces from Rodgers and Hammerstein (stuff like Sound of Music, The King and I, etc.).

We're also singing this song:

No it's not from Lion King, it's actually from the game called "Civilization IV" (it's the official song for the game, that's why you have more links showing a game's progression, but the prob is that the game's a war game so it kinda reflects weird on a Lord's Prayer ahaha)

Oh did I mention it's the Swahili version of the Lord's Prayer? :)

Flier~

This will be on the 30th and 31st of MAY (lol sorry for my lousy e-mail details earlier @_@), prices are RM 58, RM78, and a special price for Students at RM25 (you have to buy these direct from Axcess and show your student cards, 1 card gets you max of 4 student priced tics, but DO note that these seats will be allll the way back). Location is a hall in University Malaya.

Sooo yeah...

Oh besides that, I'm also in my church choir's production, called "Joseph, the Overcomer". It's basically the story of Joseph (the guy who got a multicolour coat from his father, had some strange dreams, got sold to Egypt and ended up ruling Egypt with the Pharoah being the only one with more authority than him). Songs have been taken from a few different places (like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Joseph the Dreamer), and the script's original.

And yeah, I'm playing Joseph :P Me and another dude. We'll be having different nights, so I'll be posting on which nights I'll be on, if you specifically want to see me. This'll be in September, the first week, on Thursday through till Sunday (probably two performances on Sunday). So do come for that xD

So yes, I'm practically caught in between two choirs, rushing for a rehearsal after lunch on sundays in church, then rushing for dinner then rushing off to the next choir at night. So my Sundays are full occupado x_x but it's alright, I lurve the theater life of practices after practices, performances after performances +_+ Seriously, I could get used to having that as everyday life >< (I wish ahahaha) Aih PEOPLE STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY BLARDEH JOB IT'S BORING I'M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT cuz I get sidetracked very often and do other stuff even though at the end of the day I still deliver what I have to deliver but does that matter nooooo it doesn't you just see my faults you don't see that I actually DO DO MY FRIGGEN WERK FRIGGEN OLD FART yeesh okay me ranting -_- and me ranting in msn too! yay! Thanks CSY for listening (or in this case reading) to me rant ><>< onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://kongming.net/dw6/i/characters/caopi-800.jpg">

Cao Pi, son of Cao Cao from the Han Dynasty, from Koei's Dynasty Warriors 6

Along with my wife Zhen Ji, who will be cosplayed by Night ~~Mistress~~ Huntress aka Nightress. xD Not sure if she'll be allowed into CF hall.. Bareback should be fine I think >_>

Anyway, it's time to go. I need to get enough sleep, going to night market tomorrow to get some bermudas, then going to Langkawi on Wednesday xD

Hope I'll have a good holiday rest.

Cyaz!

Dear God

Please bless me with more patience ><

and bless my blogreaders too!

And CSY too. :)

Ah Wan Nobahdeinobahdei Baa Chuu

2009-04-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Nobody

(Yoobin)
You know I still love you baby
And it will never change

(All)
I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You

(SunYe)
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(SunMi)
nan silheunde wae
nar mireona eryeogo hani
jakku nae mareun deutji anhgo
wae ireohge dareun namjaege
nar bonaeryeo hani
eotteohge ireoni

(SoHee)
nar wihae geureoh dan geumar
neonbujok hadaneun geumar
ijen geuman haeneon
nareur aljanha wae
won hajido anhneun georgang yohae

(All)
I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You

(YeEun)
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(All)
I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You

(SunYe)
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(SunMi)
nan joheun de nan
haengbok hande
neoman isseu myeondwae
deo baral geeopt neunde
nugur mannaseo
haengbok haran geoya
nan neor tteonaseo
haengbok harsueopseo

(SoHee)
nar wihae geureoh dan geumar
neonbujok hadaneun geumar
mari andoeneun mari
ran georwae molla
niga eopsi eotteohge haengbokhae

(All) I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You

(YeEun)
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silh eo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(All)
I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You

(SunYe)
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(All)
I don’t want nobody body body
I don’t want nobody body body
naneun jeongmar
niga animyeon niga animyeon
silhdan maryaa

I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

I want nobody nobody But You
I want nobody nobody But You
nandareun sarameun silheo
niga animyeon silheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody

(YuBin)
Back to the days when we
were so young and wild and free
modeunge neomuna kkumman gatatdeon geuttaero doragago sipeunde
waejakku nareur mireo naeryeohae

Why do you push me away
I don’t want nobody nobody

Nobody nobody but you.

~~~~~

No srsly, that link is correct. Haha.

Looplooplooplooploop

That and this:

Into The Night

Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell,
It was love from above, that could save me from hell.
She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me,
There were drums in the air as she started to dance,
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sang,
Singing...
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night,
(Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night,

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place,
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces,
She was spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes,
No room left to move between you and I,
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time,
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sing,
We`re singing..
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night,
(Ay oh ay oh)

And we danced on into the night,
(Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night,

Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell,
It was love from above, that could save me from hell,
She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,
And the devil himself could be pulled out of me,
There were drums in the air as she started to dance,
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sing,
We`re singing...
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night,
Ay oh ay oh ay,
(Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night,
(And the voices bang like the angels sing),
Ay oh ay oh,
Ay oh ay oh,
And we danced on into the night,
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
(Ay oh ay oh),
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
(Ay oh ay oh),
Singing ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
(Ay oh ay oh),
And we danced on into the night..

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And ALSO, this one:

Rihanna - Disturbia
by Rihanna

Disturbia

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas, in the red, can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it
On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind, it can control you
It's too close for comfort

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia

Faded pictures on the wall, it's like they talking to me
Disconnecting on calls, the phone don't even ring
I gotta get out or figure this sh** out
It's too close for comfort, oh

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia, disturbia

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to maintain but I'm struggling
If you can't go-o-o
I think I'm gonna ah, ah, ah, ah

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia

~~~~~~~~~~~~

woohoo. Anyone got more interesting music you think I may like, do post a comment xD Getting dead bored in office, need more disturbia songs to loop :P

God

I've been disturbia-ed~ :(

The Little Masks.

2009-03-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm tired out by... hardly doing anything today. Woke up late, skipped church (3rd time in a row, gawd I'm really getting lost in it), played DS. Went online, played DS, lied down for a bit, played more DS, then headed for choir.

Guess all the long minutes (minutes yeah rofl, I doubt putting it all together even makes an hour) spent looping Sweeney Todd Medley paid off. I memorised my awesomely clashing part of the song with full confidence. And this without my score! haha!

I may be getting to sing "Something's Coming" from West Side Story if Terry proves to be unteachable in diction in time. Now I'm not trying to curse the poor fellow or anything (new guy in the TCS choir btw), but I've REALLY haunted that song for a long time now. Operafest was supposed to do West Side during the last year I joined, but that didn't work out. So I had already learned all the songs and was halfway through the acting and dancing when it was canceled. And that song is really one fine piece to sing for singing exams. And I want to do it, really I do. But I don't wanna condemn Terry to not do it as well, kind of a bad 'perfectionist' vibe I give. I already scared off my church choir's twins from singing (and I really REALLY feel horribly guilty for that...), I really don't want to discourage more people.

Blah.

"Because you didn't see the one standing at your doorway, constantly waiting to give.

All you did was push him away, refuse him with all your being, disliking his presence, wanting him gone.

He stood there waiting nonetheless, waiting, just waiting to give you everything. All you had to do... Was ask.

Yet you pushed him back. Kicked him off your porch.

Even when he gave to you so willingly without any other thought in mind, only out of the pureness of heart, to give as a gesture of goodwill;

You only told him, "You didn't have to."

Of course he didn't have to. He owed you nothing. Yet he did so all the same.

And what did you do?

Send the blizzard after him, that's what you did.

You could've had the world of him.

You could've had someone who cared so deeply, someone who loved so passionately. Someone who would give their all to make you happy.

All you had to do... Was accept.

That was the first. And the last.

If he appears on your doorway again, count your lucky stars he's held no grudge on you.

For if I were him, I certainly would have.

Wasting months and months of heartache and worry, wondering if you were alright.

Only to be met by a cold stare and "You didn't have to."

He didn't have to. But did anyway.

You don't meet people like that every day.

Beneath the happy exterior, a dark shadow haunts him. Yet he suppresses the shadow just to hopefully make people smile.

To make you smile.

Appreciation.

Happiness.

Sorrow.

Guilt.

Perhaps you go through it now.

If it is true, then by hopes you will understand how he felt when you sought to fight a cold war with him.

Breaking his heart so badly.

Never before had he felt that way towards someone.

And never again will he let his heart be open to such MINDLESS stupidity.

You've won your battle with him.

Now you'll fight your war alone.

By hopes, you'll be satisfied with what you've wrought against yourself.

By hopes...

His memories will fade, and begin anew with you.

It was

your fault to begin with.

God

I've been a horrible Christian.

My only redeeming factor is my head knowledge, in which I openly share. Hopefully none of it is blasphemy to Your truth.

Please bless my blogreaders. May they find that happiness in You which I haven't.

Exhauusted

2009-03-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

yeah. I'm sooo tired. Wish I could quit my job with a million bucks in my account or something. Buy that corner house down the road from my place that's apparently been abandoned, renovate it and clean it up a bit, then I can start renting the rooms to friends, fetch and send people around, play magic!, and other non-work related stuff...

Been losing my temper a lot lately. It's as if after that explosion thing my patience has just gone and disappeared. I get irked and stung a lot, but 95% of the time I usually keep it calm and composed. Nowadays blood just starts rushing to my head, my ears get hot, and I feel like yelling profanities. Ugh. I gets so hard and SO tiring to hold everything in and calm down. I'm aware my fists also start to clench.

What's wrong with me... I've lost it. Yeah that's it, I've finally lost it. That part of 'tolerance' in my brain has exploded/fusedout and now I've got 0 tolerance. hurray. Fun. See how you people who friggin irritate me for fun like it now.

Blah.

ACGC was... a bit of a disappointment for me. Don't get me wrong, the event was actually rather nice (save for the friggin 1 1/2 hour delay from 6pm ending to a 7.30pm ending). I was just a bit disappointed. lol. Cuz I got dunked into the 'journeyman' (middle) class for the solo competition!!!! x_x that means I had a 0 chance of winning the wii T_T

Peronally, I think my performance rawked everyone else's. If you listened to the cheers and roars, you wouldn't have gotten a bigger one from any of the master-class cosplayers' performances. Save for Cikgu's, he just rawks hard in his gladiator performance. Don't get why he didn't win though, will be pressing one of t3h judges for an answer heheh.

But seriously. I just sorta felt insulted in a way, being dunked into the class with the digimon duo. I guess my costume IS unfinished (stupid friggin phoenix damnit I can't find that damn embroidery anywhere orz). But if we had performances first up, I'd have rawked everyone's asses off and handed them back. I mean, call it self-confidence or ego or anything you want, but if there's one thing I'm confident about myself it's my acting and ability to perform. I'm confident that none of the people in the competition would've put up a performance that included humour and seriousness and action like mine. I admit our fighting sequence was a bit silly (cuz we barely hit each other, and hardly had practice), but it was I believe by far better than the winner of the masterclass.

Ah well. Judges' decision is final. I have my own opinion, they have theirs. I'll leave it at that.

And I kinda won the Journeyman class, so bleh. Half my prize money goes to DA for helping me out :)

Ugh stomach ache.

I'm starting to dislike my sundays. I've always looked forward to sundays because I get to practice with my choir buds. But lately, I've been resenting going to practice. I could list a bunch of reasons, but it could probably just be me. Cuz the fault is always with me anyway.

Anyway, gotta go.

Laters.

God,

Please grant me patience.

Bless my blogreaders.

It's times like now that I feel really all alone.

2009-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

sry csy

but yes, I really do feel alone.

It's 2.30am (lol why am I awake at this ungodly hour I don't know), and I... Really feel lonely. I wanted to call someone nearby out for some supper...

Then I realised that there's really no one I can call out to eat at this hour... Everyone nearby (which amounts to ONE person...) is asleep. And even then, he probably wouldn't come out at this kind of hour.

There's just nobody around when I really need someone. Which is abot now haha. Yeah, at ungodly hours lol.

I'd call... But it's a Wednesday night (well technically Thursday morning). most people have work and coll to attend.

And I can't talk to those who are either. They either just make insensitive comments, or they start talking about something else randomly as if avoiding the subject. They claim they aren't, but convenience is usually of more importance, so I really don't know.

Lately I've been on a diet/exercise regime. I've been keeping my rice intake lesser than normal, and have started (SOME form of) exercise again. Hopefully I'll have my body ready by the langkawi trip. Just to be confident about myself walking around topless without wincing at every glance I get of my own body.

But I don't know. I've been hungry a lot as of late. I think it's what's causing me to lose my temper entirely way too easily. After all, a hungry person is easily angered. But jas says I'm just pmsing -_- so as someone would say, Whatever lah.

Regarding my previous post...

I was really angry that day.

To the point that I felt it getting uncontrollable. It was scary. I found myself gripping the table really hard and hot tears coming out of my eyes. Didn't help when the person who made me mad HAD to comment "wah, eyes can come out hot tears wan arr?". Really.

It got so bad that I had to leave the office to cool off, fearing what I would do sitting next to a certain someone who has the knack of pissing me off with his random TOTALLY insensitive HORRIBLY insulting comments and AMAZING stupidity.

So I quickly grabbed the keys to the toilet, strode as fast as I could in and wept.

I just wept.

I felt entirely betrayed.

Betrayed by a friend whom I had trusted.

I believe in what I stand up for. I believe that amidst all the bastardness of the world, if one chooses to, they can walk the righteous path. The path where the 'good' travel. One does not have to turn around and choose the other path to 'survive'. No, that's just what they want to believe, because it gives them some immediate satisfaction.

But that's just the point. In the long run, forgiveness will ensure that you're free of that burden of remembering what had happened all the time, continuing being bitter and angry. If one chooses not to forgive, they'll always remember the bitterness and anger, and in time it turns into Hatred. And amidst all that, somehow sometime or other, that bitterness will leak from their everyday lives, and it'll show. They'll become bitter, grumpy, pissy people whom most others would preferably stay away from. Simply because it's not worth their time to get pissed and angry from a 'friend'.

Then that person turned it around, and said that the person hated me for that. That they hated "goody two shoes who think that love kindness and forgiveness solves everything". That sometimes it's better to just get pissed and be bad towards other people. That being 'good' in that situation was POINTLESS.

And the attacks just kept coming. As if I didn't know the situation well enough, even though I was a PART of the situation. As if I were this naive idiot trying to save the world by throwing flowers.

I rammed my fist into the concrete wall a few times. Sadly for me, I couldn't break my fist, my bones, or anything important or unimportant for that matter. I just got sore knuckles. And used a lot of tissue. I think I stayed there for a good 10-20 minutes.

Days later, I was told that the person said that I had the right to be angry.

@^%@#$#.

For those who wish to skip the rants, just scroll down to the bottom of this post. There's a similar ~~~ break where it ends. You should anyway. I'm just ranting my bitter rant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm starting to think, yeah, maybe I'm being too nice. Maybe being the nice guy who's trying to be as tolerant as possible, accepting the blame for friggin everything, hardly ever being apologised to by the people who hurt me, yeah maybe I'm being WAY too nice.

Maybe I should start being cold and be direct and piss off people because they're pissing me off. Maybe I should just tell people to stfu when they start spouting insensitive nonsense and tell them that if they have nothing better to say then I'd rather hear them talk with their ass in farts than hear all the shit and profanity from their mouths. That if they had a FRIGGIN BRAIN, they would USE it to THINK before they TALK. That if THEY get pissed off when I start telling THEM things that attack them in emotionally tender areas THEY should just SUCK IT UP AND TOUGHEN IT OUT and STOP behaving like an immature bastard. Maybe I should just tell them STFU I DON'T NEED THIS FROM YOU. YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS? WELL SO DO I AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

Whatever. <--- fkking insensitive 1 word sentence that basically says "shut up I don't care and I don't wanna hear it."

Still.

Whatever.

Who cares eh. As long as I'm the one being kicked around, as long as I'm the 'emo boy who starts whining and complaining when someone says something bad about me'. As long as I'm 'nice'.

Short to say

As long as I'm me, I'll always be the one apologising for every friggin damn thing from stepping on ants to Global Warming. And close to never getting an apology in return. It's always because 'you were in the way' or 'why did you put your feet there?'.

Now if all of you understand that, you'll understand why I've told some of you before that I CANNOT live with a person who won't apologise and spouts insensitive words and think that it's for my own damn good whether it was right or not.

That's why, I said if I had a list of people whom I think would make really really good wives/soulmates, you are on the top of my list.

Even if you do sometimes say them, you're approachable, and you apologise. That is what really moved me to tears. Everytime I approach someone, even my own parents (gawd I hate using that word), a lot of times I just get blamed for it. For being in the way. For being immature. For being weak. For not being thick skinned enough. In short, for actually HAVING emotions other than rageragerage.

It's just... Something short of a divine luxury for me. After all, the heart longs for what it has not. And atm, I feel a shortage on love and forgiveness.

Ahaha but the only one applicable atm is forgiveness :P

But yes.

That means, I DO harbour resentment, I DO remember the harsh bitter angry parts of my life. I'm not proud of it, and I want to get rid of it. But at the moment, I really don't know how, and I'm not sure I'm entirely willing to let it go. Part of me reminds me that if I do, everyone will just treat me the same, if not worse.

Don't get me wrong. When a friend is feeling shitty and needs to complain and rant about someone, I'm here to listen. I don't mind it one single bit.

Okay I lied. I mind if you keep getting annoyed at the same person, YET you continue to find trouble with that person all the time. Then it's just plainly your own fault and your own perseverance intentionally searching for your own despair.

But seriously, I really don't mind listening. I want to share your problems and your sorrows, and hopefully help you get an answer for it.

But then again, no girl would want a guy like me, with incredible pent up emotions and heartaches, just hoping for to receive the listening ear he so willingly gives to others.

I've got just too much 'baggage' with me. No girl would want any of those. They'd want a nice perfect guy, with a good career, a good disposition, fun, and intelligent. Other than the intel which probably next to everyone would laugh at saying I don't have brains, I've got none of those.

So I guess I'm gonna be 'blessed' with celibacy for the rest of my life huh haha.

Anyway...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I've been playing Yu-Gi-Oh! : Nightmare Troubadour a lot lately. Don't even ask me what 'Troubadour' means, I have no idea either <__> Been playing it WAY too much though. Seriously.

And I'm really hungry, so I'm going to make some instant noodles. I know I'm supposed to be on diet and all, but my stomach is going to strangle me before I can fall asleep.

So

Goodnight guys.

God

I need patience.

I need forgiveness.

I need to learn to forgive.

I need to feel loved. I also need love, in case that didn't apply very well.

Will you give me any of them...?

I'm turning into a really bitter person filled with resentment...

Help me...? Please...?

Bless my blogreaders.

3rd

2009-03-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

the third time happened today

i hate it

i can't control it

im sorry if i respond badly and push you away at this time

but i really cant control myself at the moment

and i dont wanna hurt any of you

im afraid i will

so please

stay away for now

until im back to myself again

please

and congratulations to a certain someone

for having triggered a third and a second

i know i said first but i remembered so no its second

its an achievement really

Don't Watch the Watchmen! No srsly. Don't.

2009-03-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

Went to watch Watchmen's premiere yesterday.

Ugh. 2 1/2 hours of my life trying to let a movie induce a headache on me. While the entire abstract timeline was my kind of artsy bit, I don't like the fact that there's no real history and hardly any background. Won't spoil it too much for you. But safe to say, I was rather disappointed. The morals in the movie is seriously fkked up. And in the end, it's all about having sex and enjoying life, since true justice and real peace is nothing but an impossible dream.

Anyway, I was invited to 'protest' against the Watchmen during the premiere (as in the people commissioned to wear the Watchmen costume and take photos with people and stuff). Met Ern Yi and Lady Vanity there! xD Man, she's really sexy. Lucky basket ahahaha

So anyway, we (about 6 of us protestors... Alan the CF Obiwan Kenobi was there too! ahahaha downgraded from lightsaber to picket fence LOL) were holding picket signs at MidValley's GSC entrance and shouting "No More Watchmen! Who watches the Watchmen? Give us back our police!" at the crowd and at the Watchmen peeps while they posed for pictures and stuff. occasionally they'd vome over and threaten us (man I didn't realise what Roschach really was until I saw the full movie ahahaha), then we'd step back a bit, and continue to shout. Man my voice is hoarse now, and my throat hurts ><

No more mask vigilantes! (wtf why is Roschach 'Peace-ing' in the background!? O.O)

HEY YOU'RE WEARING A MASK!

Ern Yi as the Comedian, Lady Vanity as the Silk Spectre (though she's supposed to be wearing latex, so what's with the SILK??? oh yeah she's friggin hawt 8D Ern Yi's trophy girlfriend though >_> and they're both bodybuilders so unless you want a cracked skull... <__>). WAIT A SEC WHY IS DR. MANHATTAN SMILING LIKE A SCHOOLBOY GETTING LAID???

And yeah, we got free premiere passes to the movie.

Not something I'll watch again <__>

And guess what, I met BENNY THERE HAHA He was ushering people in. Seriously, most entirely RANDOM place to be meeting him lol!

On a final note

Me and Jas went to a mamak restaurant one day.

I asked for a cup of ice.

The dude came back and put this on the table.

This is ice.

-___-

Trying to get motivated to at least tone up my body and lose my fat. I need to do cardio for that x_x and I hate cardio ugh. Hard to run around when you're only running in 1 place or there's nobody to teman T_T

God

Bless mah blogreaders 8D

The Past, The Present, and the Noodles that I just Ate.

2009-02-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

I just read through someone's blogpost.

And I'll have to admit. I'm rather jealous.

I'm jealous of anyone having childhood friends (besides the fact that I have this understanding that most childhood friends are just bad influences to those who are currently my friends... No offence meant here, it's just that it's happened TWICE, and it's seriously tiring because they trust their delinquent childhood friend more than they trust anyone else who tries to tell them what they're doing is wrong). I'm jealous of anyone having friends whom since primary school till now have remained close friends and do things together.

I'm jealous of people who have secondary school friends who still get together often, swap information, go out together to have fun, and do all the kind of things friends do together. Often.

I guess it's because I don't really have any friends like that. Friends who'll just invite me out on a whim to whisk me off to some random location to have fun.

That and I don't have one that has lasted since primary school. Or secondary school for that matter. Yes I DO still meet up with my primary school friends once in a while... It's just that it's not a really personal thing you know? They have their own cliques and groups, and this whole primary school thing is just another one of them. We're not like a closeknit family group happy thingy or anything like that.

I just wish sometimes I was in something like that...

haha... well recently I HAVE been in some sorta dysfunctional group... But lately things haven't been well since someone has been an ass, and the rest of us are reaching the limit to try to understand and be good friends, and...

Let's just say that nobody's perfect. And even though we aren't, we try to work towards perfection. And sometimes some people just inspire themselves to make things worse for other people at those other people's expense. And at the expense of their own friends knowing they are doing horrible things to others. It's taxing on their friends' moral values and beliefs, seriously it is. Friends try to advise and tell not to do such things. Nodding and saying yes and DOING it are two different things however, and the former would be the chosen action. As they say, stupidity knows no bounds. But I'd like to add that 'Idiocity' knows no limitations either.

Anyway back to the topic...

Well... I guess sometimes I really wish for a 'best friend'. Someone who'll hang out often, share some interests, do things together, haf fun together, and all that things you do with friends, difference being he/she does it more with you than anyone else does.

But haha... I'm not someone people would want to dedicate time and sweat to. Guess in the end I'm probably just not worth it. I try to sacrifice time, sweat, blood and worry my head off for people, but in the end nobody bothers to talk to me when I need someone to.

But I'm a guy. I should be strong right? Yeah, I should be. No matter what breaks me on the inside, I have to be strong on the outside. No matter how badly burnt, slashed, pounded and charred on the inside, what I show outside is what's important. Isn't it? Because if I don't, people run away from me.

*sigh*

It's tiring trying to live life being fueled by pure willpower to want to see a better day for OTHER people instead of your own. But when you know the chances of your own being better is miniscular because you can't do anything about it compared to other people where you CAN do something about it... To a certain extent, I guess it's worth dragging my feet for. Maybe one day... Maybe one day, I'll grow into the positive energy I seem to be giving out. It's a wonder I'm still being seen as a positive energy person, I thought all of that would've been given off a while ago. Ahaha.

No, I can't leave my home. For the sake of my family's peace and tranquility (what little I get once in a while), for the sake of the hope that my mom's efforts to 'repair' this family depends on, for the sake of my mom's spiritual growth to not falter now...

I can't. I just simply can't. Call it stupid, call it 'looking for excuses', I don't care. I'm not even thinking about hoping to look 'selfless' and 'sacrificial' or anything like that. I just know that if I DO leave, there is a large chance that things will crumble. And because I love my mom and my sister, I can't allow that to happen. Even if it breaks me completely, I won't allow that. They're too precious to me.

Even if it breaks me completely.

My life has not been lived for myself for some time now. It's for my mom, my sister, and the friends I know whom I may be able to help in any way possible.

If what I've been doing has been helpful at all. Haha... From the way some people treat me, it's as if I'm nothing more than an acquaintance at times... But I guess recognition isn't something I should be looking for. Repayment isn't something I should want.

But knowing that they'd WANT to repay me is nice... I wouldn't accept some of course (I mean if I lent out 2k bucks of course I expect to be repayed la... haha), it's just not right. If they insisted... I guess I can't help that right? :) I mean I'd insist on repaying someone's kindness too if I could... .__. hypocrite >_>

Anyway it's late. I don't even know what my title means haha. Other than the bowl of instant noodles I just finished... 2 packets! xD

G'nite God.

Please bless my blogreaders, and my friends.

And of course, bless my mom and my sister.

I know I don't show it a lot... But I love them both to bits.

Really I do.

Really really.

Inexistence

2009-02-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

Heya guys! Guess what? It's another emo post again! Hurray! So kids, it's now time to close your eyes, muff your ears, scroll down as fast as you can, convince yourself that after reading this line and the last line you've got what I'm blogging about, and close the window! Hurray!

Sorry for the sarcasm. I'm just feeling a bit out of it atm.

Depressionistic wave hit again just a few moments ago. Wasn't that hard, but it did serve its purpose.

A survey said that I'm the kind of person that has to be in love. If I'm not in a relationship, I slowly start to go crazy and snap.

Well whether it's true or not, I'm already feeling the effects. It's been more than a year since my last relationship, and I'm feeling the brunt of singlehood. Really, I don't get what's so nice about being single. There's no one for me to just call up randomly and talk about random subjects and crap on the phone for an hour or two straight on random days. Yeah I could do that to quite a number of people I guess... Well actually only 1 person has offered that... And that's not counting the guys cuz well... I just don't feel natural when talking to guys. And besides, it's 2am. The guys I know who said sure are busy people now, and don't have that kind of luxury and time anymore. The girls... I shouldn't be bothering the girls at 2am in the morning.

So... It comes down to that special person.

Someone I don't have.

This is the kind of time where I wish I had a twin sister. She'd understand, and she'd be there for me. She'd love me for who I am and as a sibling, and she'd do her best to cheer me up just because I'm feeling down.

I just wish there were someone who'd do that.

Someone I can turn to whenever I want or need to.

Someone who'd drop whatever they were doing, and just listen to me. (IF it's that important of course, I'd understand if she were presenting to her boss or something like that)

I do that for people...

So why won't someone do that for me...

There's no one I can confide to in the dead of the night...

There's no one who'll put aside their judgement to allow me to speak freely to get things off my chest...

There's no one I can cry to...

Life is beautiful.

Too bad I don't feel like I'm alive.

I guess being this way is fine. As long as there's something I can do to make my friends happier, I guess it's endurable.

It's just me.

Yu

I guess I was just too headstrong.
Too much in a rush.
Too gungho.
Too...
Too much of a nervous idiot.

I guess I'm still not entirely over you.
Haha I don't know how long it'll take for me to do so.
I just hope it'll happen soon.
Because it hurts every time I see your picture.
Your smiling face.
Your sparkling eyes.
Your sweet demure lips.

I'll probably never know what it feels like to talk to you normally again.
Since it has never been normal from the start.
Thanks to me. Ahaha...

I know I'm a bother to you.
Since you've labeled me as one so I can never talk to you on the web again.
So... I'll do my best to keep my distance.
Perhaps it's for the best for you.
If that's what I'm fighting myself for...
I guess I can endure it.

It's never changed anyway.

Just adding one more won't kill me enough to stop me from standing up again.

I guess.

Nite God.

Nites guys.

God bless you.

Life oh Life, oh life~ oh Life. Dudududu. Crabs.

2009-02-19T06:52:00.000-08:00

i have no life lala i have no life

i was so looking forward to a karaoke session tonight that had been planned since chinese new year.

then it flopped. cuz i think only 3 ppl (inclusive of me and organizer) were going, methinks. so it was cancelled.

i don't even know why I felt so disappointed after that. but it was a horrible feeling. all that hyped up adrenaline and endorphins just *POOF*ed into nothingness.

nothingness.

now i realise. in a way, i really have no life.

i was talking with someone earlier today on msn about some stuff. somehow or other, it came to me saying this line:

"I don't know the way you see life. But as for me according to my understand (and belief), there's only 1 person who can make me feel complete. And that's God."

i realise.

i don't feel complete.

i don't feel whole.

i feel like there's this really HUUUUGE hole gaping hole inside me that's sucking at my life force, and continues to suck and suck and suck and okay this is starting to sound serong.

i may pray to God, i may give thanks for the food, i may preach Christianity.

but when it comes right down to it...

i'm hardly a Christian.

i commit one of the 7 deadly sins almost every day.
i don't have God in my heart, or in my life. The only place He resides in atm is my mind, that's continually trying to understand Him.
i don't love God. i don't understand love. i can't say that i love God if i don't understand love.

i've been searching with my head so much that it aches. and it tires.

i want to experience Him so badly. but when it comes to letting go... there are just so many things that i don't think i can truly let go. and the thing is i believe that i have to let go of all these things before i can experience God. yet i can't let them go.

actually.. more accurately...

i WON'T let them go...

so my understanding is that if i don't let these go, nothing's going to change...

but why is that? why can't things change little by little, and i learn to let them go little by little?

why must i instantaneously release EVERYTHING before i get to feel God...?

why...?

why is it that no matter how much i give an ear to or lend a shoulder to people...

why is it that i can never find one in return when i truly need one so badly...?

*sigh*

guess that's just my life

i'll live. i guess. even if i tired and wear out so badly that i just wish i could die

i'll live. my reason for being in this existence is to make people happy.

i don't know if i'm really doing that though. sometimes i feel like i'm nothing but an utter complete failure.

i just...

i just wish... someone would just come up to me and give me a long warm hug and say "it's okay. you need it."

okay maybe we'll keep that to a girl gender specific yeah. i don't particularly like guys touching me. seriously. cooties. lol.

i don't even know why i'm doing it
i just know that... it hurts
and almost every time, i don't know if she even feels a tinge of guilt about it
i'm probably desperate
can't let go
and well
she's my friend
and i guess i'll continue being her friend too
cuz that's what friends do
that's what i do

somewhere in the universe, a star lost its light.

look up into the night sky, and if you see any stars, thank Him for putting them there for they look ever so magnificent, and thank Him for givin you the eyes to see them.

cuz if you're blind, you won't be reading my blog. ahahaha

Gnite God

Gnite guys. and sexy gals. c'mon, all gals who reads my blog are sexy without question kay. :)

I Want Nobody Nobody But You

2009-02-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

Addictive. Seriously. The worst thing is that it's Korean, so I have next to no idea whatamahoogajacuzzis are they singing or how to pronounce their wordings. Orz.

I had a vision (not a divine one, a more imaginary one) of doing this song as a solo guy song, altering the dance steps a little to make it more 'punkish', so that it doesn't look too... Weird... Seriously while the whole dance step thing works well with the 60's look thing, when they did the dance in a normal concert wearing normal modern clothes, it looks really strange... <__>

Anyway, back to topic.

What topic?

Chinese new year came and went, got my angpows and paid my rent (non-existent rent of course, it just rhymes nicely). Didn't see my father again this year, I'm starting to lose interest in going to my paternal family's side's gatherings since I probably won't see him anyway. Seriously, I really never had a father. Well maybe half a father when I was a younger kid, but yeah, even memories of those are vague to none.

Anyway, I don't know why but I didn't feel hype for this year's Chinese New Year celebrations. I didn't feel the festive mood, I was just feeling... Feeling 'Blah' the whole time. I don't know why either. It's as if something drained out all my festivities mood and left me in a state of lack of endorphins; which happens quite often. I guess it's whole whole deal about working this year, since I'm not really enjoying what I do for a 'living', if you call it a living.

Anyway anyway, after that came my birthday.

Yes my birthday. Which was on the 8th of February 1986, at 10am, which was a Monday, and also coincidentally the last day of the old Chinese year for that particular year. So yes I'm an Ox, the bringer of strife and global economy meltdowns (1997-1998, 1985-1986). Hurray. Didn't have much of a celebration really... People who remembered my birthday was... My mom, my grandmother (who was reminded by my mom), my aunts (who were probably reminded by my mom), Jaslyn, Ashlyn (who MAY have been reminded or told by Jaslyn), Benny Lim Seng Lee (YEAH FULL NAME MAN), erm... Yeah... I think that's about it... Ahahaha. Oh yeah, Alicia and Sandy too. Whoever got left out, erm... I can't really remember, so thanks anyway xD;; For those who didn't remember... There's always next year :P

Anyway, my mom insisted on bringing cake to my choir rehearsal on sunday in church, so we ate cake and some pizza after practice was over (I only had 2 slices of pizza. Everyone else walloped the whole thing. T_T so I had to buy McDs later for dinner before rushing for TCS choir, which no, nobody remembered :P)

For some reason, I really don't like being wished 'happy birthday'. Or being overpraised. I like being praised an patted (yeah pat meeeeeehhhh! xD), but when you start going "oh you sang very well! I really like that part in that song where you did this and that and I was so amazed and blablabla" the only thing I'll be able to do is stare at you with a slightly blank expression, trying to say thank you all the time. It feels awkward. Especially the birthday thing, with the birthday songs. I really really feel uncomfortable when ppl start singing me birthday songs. I'm like standing there (usually in the middle?), staring at everyone, smiling politely and begging you to stop inside. Really, I have absolutely no idea what to do! @_@ Awkwardddddddddddd x_x

I don't know, I hope this doesn't sound arrogant or anything. It's just... Awkward situations for me. I don't like its x_x Though getting fangirled by erm.. under-the-par girls is probably weirder, and I tend to start showing annoyance instead... >< gah. need to control myself.

Anyway, after that was.. Oh yeah. Valentine's Day. Or SAD Day (Single Awareness Day) to some. Which is like, silly if you ask me. Dah lah ppl sad sad cuz they're single, they had to start publicly announcing they're single and try to make themselves feel better by saying "IT'S (a) SAD DAY!" <__> Blah.

so anyway anyway, I went out with Jaslyn to makan at Jogoya, using the Free 1 person High Tea voucher she gave me for me burfdei. Turns out they decided to be an ass and not allow it to be used on Valentines. So we went to some jap restaurant at Pavilion instead that boasted about making REAL soba noodles (buckwheat noodles). I kinda felt reluctant to go, cuz I was running on a tight budget (still am ahahaha), but what the heck eh. just makan only la. then after that we went to watch Bride Wars (Starring Anne Hathaway, the girl who did Princess Diaries). It was interesting to see how Anne Hathaway had evolved from a pretty lil (absolute klutz) princess that sparked the dreams of lil girls everywhere, to a full blown hollywood actress that sexy-danced on-stage, jumped on a rope in the middle fo the dance, and stripteased (more or less) in a video of a wild party. Did you also know she did a topless scene in another movie? Mmm, it's just funny to see how your run-on-the-mill kid's-dream-actors and actresses fall for the ploy of hitting the stars by wearing less and showing more. That's why I respect Jackie Chan, he doesn't let anything like that corrupt his movie styles.

Aaaaanyway after that we rolled around Pavilion for a bit, then had to head back to her place cuz she had to send someone back to their houses (don't ask for details, longlong unrelated story). So we went back, sent those 2 ppl back and decided to watch Saw. Man, it really reminded us of Crimson Room (that internet flash based game where you're supposed to escape a locked room). Still, it was very interesting to see how the plot turned out, and to find that the person behind everything was really right before their very eyes. Seriously an incredible psycho thriller movie. I want more! @_@

Went back after that. yay.

On why I haven't posted for so long... Well... I've really lost the interest in posting here really. The reason why I had a blog in the first place was to let off steam and basically rant about stuff I'm unhappy about. Stuff about other people that I didn't like. Things that happened that made me sad.

But as time went by, people starting quoting out of my blog, and using things in it against me. Usually, we tell these things to someone who really cares for you, and you just leave it with them. Since I don't (never really did and still don't) have such luxuries, I leave it to my blog, which means I can't really choose who gets to read what and who doesn't. Well I guess I really could, but then it's just too troublesome to screen through posts and tick people off the "I trust you" list. It's just not nice. Imagine you're reading someone's private blog, and they trust you with it. Then all of a sudden somehow you find out that there's a post that's locked from you, and you can't read it. How would you feel? I would feel that I'm suddenly not that trusted anymore, that perhaps I've done something wrong to make that person distrust me, or perhaps it's ABOUT me. So I don't like doing that to other people. If it's about someone who reads my blog, then so be it, I'll let them know what I'm thinking. If they're a friend of mine, they should understand that these are my thoughts, and will accept it and think about it because we're friends, right?

Wrong.

People just aren't like that. No matter how much you wish for it, the majority of moving piles of flesh in this world just aren't matured enough to think that way. Only a very minor amount of people will actually read through, think about it, understand that it's just thoughts and comments on them, and analyze themselves about it, and make a decision based on that, THEN CONTINUE TO BE FRIENDS. Not take it as a personal stab in the back or some sort. But I guess most people just aren't built that way.

So I decided to kick all that 'emo-ranting posts' away, and just write about every day life. Or at least update about it.

The problem is, that's not fun for me. It's boring. I don't have this sense of desire to tell the world what I ate for breakfast or what movie I watched on the SAD Day. I just really couldn't be bothered. If everything's here, then there's not much to TELL people when they ask about what you've been doing recently. The simple answer: "Go read my blog". It reduces usable subjects in conversations, and basically cuts it shorter.

I miss just sitting down and talking to someone for hours, jumping from topic to topic, just... Having a really good conversation in a quiet place. The last time I did that, I ended up going home at 4am heh. And no, you can't do that with most guys. There's just not much to talk about between guys and me, I have no idea why. Just feels awkward. But yeah, I really like doing that. Finding someone you can chat with about just about anything and continue on without stopping is not easy. I actually found one such person, and I really want to chat with her again. But whether she's really really busy or just avoiding me for specific reasons, I don't know. I want to trust her, but at the same time she disappoints me quite a bit by getting herself hurt by other people all the time, even though she knows WAY better than to trust them. And it hurts me to see her hurt by them. Over and over again.

Ah but what is life without struggles. Without it, we'd never know how to grow.

but you know... sometimes... it would be nice if someone would be there for you who could and would whisk you away from reality and take your mind off all your troubles and sorrows and worries. and just... just hold you for a while, caress and touch you, making you feel at peace and serene.

It's just a wish. And wishes, almost never come true.

Not for me anyways.

Once again... I feel...

Alone.

would you hold me in your arms, if you knew it would be my last...?
would you do the same, even if i weren't going to pass...?
would you comfort me on the days when i feel sad...?
would you comfort me even if it wasn't so bad...?
would you spend half your life trying to please me...?
would you even if you knew we weren't meant to be...?
would you pull me up when all my strength is gone...?
would you push me up even if you too were all forlorn...?
would you sacrifice what you have to make me smile...?
would you stay that way with me, just for a while...?

would i do the same, give my all just for you...?
would you believe me, if i did, that all of this is true...?

Good day God.

And good night, blogreaders.

Calling...Leave no Hesitation

2009-01-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

So!

I haven't blogged for a while, heh... Well, nothing much has been happening to me really. Save for that almost-robbery that happened to me and Sumomo at Daniel's house where the robber point his knife and threatened to stab me if I didn't back off... (which left me shaking inside later... really lol), that lousy car crash that rendered my poor and 1.6k bucks in debt to my mom for car repairs and such... The strange fuzzy scatter-brainness and my estic suddenly reaching to higher heights after the accident (seriously, there were times when I was driving at night when I could NOT see the curb on the road because it was too dark. I could estimate where it was, but almost went into it once... meh)... Eating fried rice and a piece of luncheon meat for lunch almost every day after that (it costs RM2.50, cheapest lunch I ever had xD)... Getting sick with a really REALLY bad flu and sore throat that lasts till today (sore throat's still a little there, it hurt just to breathe at first haha, flu's still definitely there)... Hmm... Yeah life's been like that lol. Nothing much eh.

Oh yeah, I started playing RO again ahaha. SilentRO it's called, and it's at www.silentro.net just go there, do the normal stuff, register, and you're in! xD It's a highrate, and player amount is still quite low atm, but it's got LOADS of potential and lots of really interesting stuff. MVPs are almost unsolo-able (ugh x_x), card drop rate is 1% (I HATE this -_-), certain headgears are at 1% droprate (like Elven Ears, Maya Helm... gosh I hate this too, being a headgear collector orz), and max level and stat is 255. Really fun though xD Donation gives you donation points, which lets you buy special stuff at the donation store in the control panel of the site (which you later redeem the items in-game). Lots of custom pets too xD Baby Garm omg xD

And now, for my usual blog post!

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Hurray for the 0s and 1s! Good luck reading my blog post lol! :P (I'm sure about 99% of whoever reads this post is just gonna skip it so yeah rofl, but at least I blogged it out :P)

Anyway, gotta go. Got some stuff to do.

God

Bless my blogreaders!!

Resolutions...? 1440 x 900 atm...

2009-01-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

Yes I'm using a wide-screen >_>

Anyway... It's been almost a month since I last blogged.

Reason as to why I haven't blogged since 9th December...

Well it's occurred to me that while I 'bitch' about things and/or people on my posts, (some) people start developing ideas that I'm a complacent whiny bitch, so... Yeah. Why feed them more material eh?

Anyway, I've been shopping some during the new year, and bought some clothes xD Thanks to Jaslyn for giving me the "take picture for every piece i try", I've got some photos xD

I liked this top 8D But it wuz really body hugging... and I don't have the body... yet ><

The black didn't look nice though.

She got me to try this. Not nice imo, but Ashlyn thought it was nice @@

Jaslyn made me try a green shirt. -_- IT'S UGLEHH

Pink. -_- I might look nice innit, but I still don't wanna wear pink. -_-

Really liked this jacket thing. Has 2 zips: 1 for the inside part, 1 for the outside part. Prob was it was free size (I think), and small. Armpit areas too tight >< I bought this! xD Jacket zip thingy, have always wanted one of them xD

Bought this, but at a smaller size. I likeys long sleeved, but didn't have any at home (that I could wear >_>).

This was the size I bought the white one at. And yeah, I bought this one too xD

Last Christmas (2008) was the first year I spent buying sooo many presents... I ate up more than RM700 buying gifts ><>_> But overall was pretty satisfying xD I'm happy to buy gifts xD (Funny cuz I bought Cross pendants for almost all my family members xD;; ).

Had some stuff to 'whine/bitch', which includes a house break-in / robbery almost happening right in front of me with a knife pointed at me, but i'd just be bitching/whining so yeah.

Anyway toodles for now xD

God

Bless my blogreaders and friends :)

Higher and Higher

2008-12-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

That was all it did.

It hardly stopped to rest, it didn't ever once look like it would falter and fall.

It... Just kept on flying... Higher and higher...

Under the wings of the Great One...

Where had he been going? It seemed like his flight was never steady and sure. He could perform the looks of a steady flier, ever continuing to fly forwards, straight and beautiful. In the eyes of the others that looked at him, he seemed well versed in this. Obviously he should be, he was after all a bird a prey, while not as large as the famed Eagles, Falconry was still named after his kind, and it was built in him since he was young.

But amidst all the seemingly flawless glides he did, he knew he struggled to maintain his flight pattern. While it didn't take much focus, he knew he wasn't doing it the right way. He flapped the right way, his wings were spread perfectly, his tailfeathers were at the best angle... Everything was right...

Yet a nagging feeling continued to tell him that... That something just wasn't right... Something... Something prevented him from flying higher.

Gliding down to a tree, he stopped to catch his breath. For some strange reason, it was getting more and more tiring to fly... He wasn't aging very fast, so it definitely wasn't time. The winds were still, and the air was light... Yet as day passed, he grew weary of this flight... Of... Flying...

His eyes gazed longingly up into the sky. Sure enough, at some incredible distance above, the Great One continued to glide through the air, keeping an ever watchful eye on all that lay beneath. Though just a barely visible speck, his sharp sight caught on the little Nightingale that continued to fly beneath the Great One's wings. It seemed to be twittering and singing as it followed closely, sheltered from any wind or rain.

How...?

Every day as night approached, the little songbird would flutter its frail little wings back down to its little nest, resting while the moon took its turn to watch the world. Then early the next morning, it would awake, take a dip in a cool lake nearby, then take on its journey back up next to the Great One above. Effortlessly, it would flap its little wings and climb the skies, unhindered by hail nor wind, sun nor rain. Somehow, it would find and catch the little updraft made by the Great One directly beneath Itself, and the little voice of heaven would flutter back to its side, twittering and singing to its heart's content.

He had tried to look for that updraft before. Sometimes he found it, sometimes he didn't. But whenever he tried to ride it up, somewhere along the journey something wrong would happen- his wings would fail, or his tailfeathers would ruffle and angle the wrong way, or his balance would get upset...

But most of the time, his mind would take over and alert him to safety precautions, forcing himself out of the updraft that would take him into the higher regions of the sky, a kingdom of which he had never dared to visit before- lower air pressure, less breathable air... Many things he could not handle even while he was near to the ground. What more at an immense height that none other dare reach...?

He was joined by a Crow, a Stork and a grey Dove. They were his friends, and they started cawing and cooing together, relating their new stories and random different subjects. Even as he tried to chat with them, his eyes would once in a while glance up to the sky, looking at the two tiny figures above him.

The songbird's voice had captured him, and its petite demure self had imprinted its picture into his mind. At the same time, its closeness with the Great One made him jealous; jealous that he could not follow It so closely. He had tried, but he didn't know how... Even if he wanted to try, he didn't know how to approach the Nightingale to ask... He had always been too nervous around it, his heart would beat too fast and his mind would think too much. This little beauty was the only one who had ever made him feel that way... Yet its feelings for him were just much too far off for him to dare another approach...

His strength and will to take flight continued to wane every day, his eyes continue to longingly look at the two silhouttes from a great distance, his own height seemingly dropping day by day...

Sighing a great sigh unheard by the colony of other animals he had to visit every day to play his part, he alighted from his branch, his wings feeling heavier than usual...

stabstabstab Hie I'm making stabbed Smashed potatoes

2008-12-01T18:58:00.000-08:00

Tagged.

For this meme, tag first, then fill in the blanks.

I tag:

1. Ben
2. Nao
3. CSY!
4. CSI...? Erm... I don't know who else reads my blog D: I tag... Li Chen!
5. Srsly... Tagging Vivian! I know you read my blog >D
6. Alicia
7. Erna
8. Jun!
9. Silvy!

-How you know 1?
college!

-What would you do if you never met 2?
erm... I would never have gotten some juicy gossips? 8D;;

-What would you do if 3&4 dated you?
both at once? @@ I'll die from being strangled... I actually already almost dated 3... And 4 is in a relationship. But if I were dating either one, I'd do my best to make it work :3

-Would 5 & 6 make a good couple?
No. 6 hates lesbians xD;; And 5 is straight xD;;

-do you think 7 is attractive?
She has her own flair that makes her attractive xD

-Do you know anything about 8’s family?
Her immediate family, loads. xD

-Tell me something about 9
Currently stressing over a 20 page print (or something like that) and her exams which start today xD;;

-What language does 2 speaks?
England. And Britain.

-Who is 3 going out with?
Me She's not seeing anybody atm

-how old is 4?
25. And looks 22. :3

-5?
22. My age!

-Who is 6 favourite singer?
erm............ I have no idea D:

-7 ?
I have even less of an idea <__>

-Is 8 single?
You wish.

-What is 9 last name?
I don't remember! D:

-Would you consider being in a relationship with 1?
Yeah. A Brotherly relationship sure. Anything beyond that and we'll end up in a fist fight. xD;;

-Which school does 2 go to?
the school of work. She USED to go to Limkokwing University College.

-What do you like about 3?
Always level-headed when I need her to be. And srsly, I owe some of my sanity to her. Thanks >w<

Now...

Anyone for ~~stabbed~~ smashed potatoes? :3

Heya God

Bless my blogreaders :)

The WTF Day.

2008-11-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

Today was a wtf day.

End.

I shouldn't be feeling this bad.

But I do.

Perhaps it's time I completely eradicate the reason for even having this kind of feeling.

It's only hurt me more than it should be.

It's like typical chinese relatives. I think only Jun would understand this, since she's in that particular situation haha...

Trying to escape from it obviously didn't work.

And only 1 person diligently poked until I told him what happened.

Being the only person who did that, I'm grateful.

I just wish CSY was here rite now. I still feel horrible.

I just hope it won't hamper my performance tomorrow. While I may act well, I don't know if my singing will be affected.

This whole week has felt like a downward spiral to self-destruction. I hope I can get out of it.

"Your wife would be so blessed having you as her husband."

Somehow, it seems that statement is moving further and further away from being anywhere near the truth...

God

I know what I should do, but I can't bear to do it.

Please show me a sign as to what I should do. Please do.

God bless my readers. Good night.

Tagged

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

In a turn of random events, I was tagged to do a meme.

At least I THINK that I got tagged. My name IS after a very common and widely used name...

Still, I'll go with my head and not my gut ^^;;

The Letter Meme

RULES: Do the “Letter MEME”. Tag no less than 5 other people, and leave them a comment, informing them that they have been tagged. Then copy the “How-to” Letter Meme, and finish your blog entry.

-> How you do the Letter Meme:

Dear ________(the last person who left a comment on your blog/journal):

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I’m sure you’re ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I’m returning ___8___ to you, but I’ll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,
-Your name-

Basically just fill in the blanks on top based on the answers you are gonna choose below. ( I will put my result at the bottom of this entry =) )

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’ll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn’t match
Grey - You’re a pervert
Yellow - I’m selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You’re a loser
Other - I’m in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women’s clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United’s goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scared
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I’ve felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn’t exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we’re cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I’m allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I’m open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - How awful I’ve felt
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David’s tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B -
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics
12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear CSY:

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I dislike you. I think I realized it last year at the mental hospital and I saw you ignore Bill Clinton. I’m sure you’re scared enough to understand that we’re cousins. I’m returning your ring to you, but I’ll keep your photo as a memory. You should also know that I never openly mocked a new life as a clone.

Go burn,
-Kilmasis-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ROFL! (I hope she doesn't haet me now xD;; )

So anyway, I tag CSY, Naoko, Jas and Ben >D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mixed feelings as of late. I doubt this is unusual for me as I'm a screwed up person in terms of emotional unbalance and disaster anyway...

But right now, my brain is almost blacking out. I need sleep. Maybe I'll talk about this some other day.

Gnites.

God

bless my blogreaders.

So Many Thoughts, So Little Words

2008-11-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

There's just too much on my mind lately. So much that I tend to forget what I'm thinking just a moment after I lay it aside. And yet, the anxiety, stress and tension that I get from spending time thinking about them doesn't go away. They build up and it tends to get annoying and tiring to keep.

For now, while they're still fresh in my head, there are a few things I want to say.

But somehow... I don't think I can say them. Not here at least. Because those people reading my blog tend to get frustrated about them, and thus frustrated at me. Then some of them go back to their OWN private blog, and make a post just for me, directed entirely in anger and frustration TOWARDS me, bringing back old forgotten stories and problems and throwing them all back at me again.

Sounds JUST like my stepfather. Really. And I seriously HATE that about him. It's as if they're losing a fight, so in order to stay fighting, they bring back old issues that may or may not have been solved, and use that as a basis point. Which to me, is just childish and absurd. But do these people think so? Nope. It's of course, entirely relevant for them.

Blagh.

Tired, a little frustrated.

Sometimes... It's just so tiring and hard to care about someone.

They do something that affects their health and/or well being, they KNOW they're doing it, and yet they still just do it, giving all sorts of obviously lame excuses as reasons. Then when you try to coax them to take care of themselves better, they start giving more (absurd) excuses as to why they should continue the way they are. Then sooner or later, one side of the party gets frustrated, and they both get into a fight.

Couldn't they actually start to think about the stress and worry they give to the people that care for them?

Then when you tell them that, some can frankly say "Who asked you to care about me?".

Geez. Nobody told me to. I just thought that as a friend, I should care for you. That's all.

Sometimes, there are some things that should be done that are just too obvious. Sometimes, Science and Facts prove that certain things are bad. And most of the times, when you tell these people about them, they either tell you some strange random case about 'how my grandfather who smokes 2 packets a day lived up to 95', or 'everyone does it, it's okay, nothing will happen'.

Sometimes, I just harbor so much annoyance towards these people that I just WISH that time would fast forward to the day their body FINALLY gives in to the vices they keep subjecting themselves to, and tell them in their face, "I FRIGGIN TOLD YOU SO, YOU IDIOT".

But that would be mean, so I don't do it. Well I try not to at least. But seriously, it's just so frustrating to worry about someone, and advise them to do something, and all they do is give excuses or deviate or try to turn it back on you.

Wouldn't it be much easier to say "I don't need you to care for me, shut up and buzz off"? Saves all the trouble.

But that's why I haven't been blogging lately anyway. This is a place where I release SOME of the frustration and tension and other not-so-related emotions. But since I don't like it when people talk back about me behind my back... Yeah. Wutev.

I know I have my flaws, I know I have my weaknesses. But sometimes, just telling me I'm this or I'm that doesn't really make sense, especially when I have no idea what you're talking about.

And sometimes, even with them, people KNOW that what I say is true, they just try to relate them to severely random cases so that they can sneak through the guilt; if they even feel it. Seriously, grow up. Being independent doesn't mean being able to take care of one's self financially alone. It's being able to take care of one's self as a WHOLE: Financially, Physically, and Mentally. When one can't take care of even ONE of these areas, they stop being independent; and mostly start being childish.

And no, being childish OUTSIDE of these 3 systems is NOT really being childish. That's just part of character/personality; it's different.

Glarg.

I don't have a place where I can just tell all my problems to. Everywhere I go and try, something just stops some things from getting through. Even on my own blog, I feel like I'm being caged up in certain areas.

I'd talk to a certain CSY, but I feel like I'm just giving more burdens and problems. And as a friend, I don't want to burden. I trust CSY, a lot, but I don't want to burden.

I just hope CSY responds... Right now, CSY's probably the person I trust the most.

God

bless my blogreaders.

Good night.

Wakenai Du Foyu? (Namida Ga Ochiru)

2008-10-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

Tired, semi-hungry, feeling a little lonely, unappreciated, slightly ignored... The list goes on.

It's times like these I really wish I had a twin sister. Basically a me, but of the opposite gender.

WITHOUT my weight. Definitely without my 80kgs >_>;;

To talk to, relate to, share with, cry on, to hug and feel the warmth...

Then again, I'd probably have committed incest with her a long time ago if I actually had a twin sister. Probably why I don't have one. Same probability of the reason for why a friend also doesn't have one. Probably the main reason why the rest of the world doesn't have one.

Bleh.

But that's why people have a bf/gf. They come into the picture for you to cry on, to pamper you, to love and care for you, to shower you with appreciation and kisses...

To try to fill in the gaps in life that you want ever so much to be filled.

I feel like I've drifted apart from God again.

I... I really don't feel like a Christian anymore.

I mean... I pray before meals (sometimes halfway through...), I pray before I sleep (I tend to miss this now and then ><), I do my best not to lie, I do my best to keep to the commandments...

But... It somehow just doesn't feel the same as before. When I was younger, I felt vibrant and alive, I KNEW I was filled with the Holy Spirit, that God was on my side, that I dared to make a stand BECAUSE He was with me, I attended camps, I went for Bible classes...

Now...? I really feel this heavy gaping vacuum that's trying to suck everything in. While I could say it's probably just a phase of depression, but I cannot deny the possibility of the other.

Aih...

I still don't understand God's love.

Too many questions linger in my head unanswered (or at least not given a satisfying answer), too many thoughts wandering around unattended, too many situations to predict outcomes...

I want a break... From my mind.

Right now, at this moment, I seriously wish my mind would stop thinking, for like a day. And let me rest.

God

I think... I feel... That you've withdrawn Yourself from me...

I feel like I've lost You...

Is it possible for my sins to have covered the East to the West...?

Is it possible that... I've lost my salvation...?

I want to see You... To meet You face to face...

I wouldn't care if I would die and incinerate on the spot or whatever else that could and/or would happen to me...

I just... Want to see You...

And be calmed...

And be rested...

All my worries fading away...

All my unsettled thoughts ceasing to move, tucking themselves away into a corner of my mind and leaving only my thoughts of You...

God...

At this point...

With everything put together...

It seems like...

I want to die...

And see You...

Please help me, God...

Please, don't leave me or forsake me...

No matter how much I work at it, no matter how much effort I put into making myself a person people would want to remember for the rest of their lives

even if I succeed, I am still nothing without You...

With You, maybe I'll at least make a speck of difference in people's lives... Depending on whether I am fit to carry out Your work...

But even a speck... Is better than nothing...

God...

Save me...

From...

Myself...

Real Emotion

2008-10-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

What can I do for you?

I came to the office today, feeling nothing particularly different. It was the normal 15 minutes walk to the restaurant, breakfast, and the normal next 10-15 minutes walk to the office building.

What can i do for you (yeah heh)
What can i do for you (oh no no yeah)
What can i do for you
I can hear you
What can i do for you (oh oh)
What can i do for you (ooh baby yeah)
What can i do for you

As I sat down staring at the monitor waiting for my machine to restart, I felt it. The wave just came rushing all too suddenly, sweeping over my head and drenching me from within.

ano hi kokoro no kanata ni egaiteta basho ni iru
tohou ni kuretetari suru keredo mou modorenai

The sudden urge to cry just... Appeared from within. As I sat there staring at the flashing lights on my monitor and the stagnant pictures on the newspaper spread across the table, I closed my eyes and fought back the tears.

yume ni mita katachi to wa
nanimokamo ga chigau

I let light pour in, showing slightly teary eyes. For what reason did I want to cry...?

genjitsu ni wa... memai sae suru

For what reason...?

riaru na sekai ni yureteru kanjyou
maketakunai
mou tada hashiru shikanai kono mune ni
kikoetekuru
kimi wa hitori jyanai

I couldn't understand. I had these random bursts of emotional depression before. I could never explain them. They're not normal, definitely no. But I realised one thing.

What can I do for you
What can I do for you
What can I do for you
I can hear you

Today wasn't going to be a nice day for me...

What can I do for you
What can I do for you
What can I do for you

kesshite furimuki wa shinai anata ni wa toyoranai
nanika ga areba kanarazu suguni kite kureru kara

True enough, I felt my confidence level nosedive. Self esteem didn't flutter away, it took bulletspeed and flew through the blockades meant to ensure it would always stay within distance to be retrieved when required.

ima boku ni dekiru koto
sore wa shinjiru koto...
shinjitsu nara kono mune ni aru

I felt down and out. The way I used to feel before. I hadn't felt it for a long time, but it seems like it came back. The question is... Why...?

riaru na sekai ni yureteru kanjyou
sasaeru no wa
sou anata ga oshietekureta subete
ima no watashi
dakara, hitori jyanai

Maybe it's because I found someone who hurts the way I do. Maybe because she gives to people who don't give back. Maybe because I can relate so well to her.

What can I do for you
What can I do for you

Maybe it's also because... She trusts me.

What can I do for you
What can I do for you
What what what
What can I do for you
What can I do for you

Enough trust that makes me feel... Less useless and more wanted... In this world...

I can hear you

Trusted as a friend. Without it, I'm nothing more than a bag of flesh and bones.

riaru na sekai ni yureteru kanjyou
kanjitemo
anata ga me o tojita nara soko ni iru
kizuna ga aru
dakara, hitori jyanai

riaru na sekai ni yureteru kanjyou
maketakunai
mou tada hashiru shikanai kono mune ni
kikoete kuru
kimi wa hitori jyanai

What can i do for you (yeah heh)
What can i do for you (oh no no yeah)
What can i do for you
I can hear you
What can i do for you (ooo oh)
What can i do for you (ooh baby yeah)
What can i do for you (yeah, heh)

I can hear you

I can hear you

God

If you're still listening

Thank you.

Magic + Bad Luck = Wasted Marnee

2008-10-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

yeah what it says. I recently got back into the Magic The Gathering craze. Entered a Sealed Tournament today. Paid 65 bucks. Got a bunchfull of crappy cards I could barely use in the tournament itself. Ended up losing like crap. T_T

Best of all, first round I played was against a player who later won the tournament -___- He got the best rares for red in his cards, and played them well. Dammit bloody lucky bugger T_T

And DA got ANOTHER Planeswalker. The first time he bought cards (he's only bought cards about 3 times, not a whole bunch of cards at once either), he got a planeswalker card worth 100 bucks -___-;; 2nd time, he got a card worth 40 bucks -__-;; Now, he gets ANOTHER planeswalker, worth 70 bucks -_____-;; Damnit I wanna kill him T_T his luck is seriously amazing T_T

Anyway, later we played our best Shards of Alara limited decks (the current set's cards only). I pwned both of them bad xD Even when we were playing a 3 on 3, I managed to come out winning both times xD And this was with me almost dying and to the point where I was entirely stressed up @@ By the twist of the game, they make a single mistake, and I turn the game to my favour and beat them ><

But I still think Daniel's not playing properly against me. There were plenty of times where he could've beaten me, but either by his low experience (and stubbornness in learning what to and what NOT to do) or on purpose, he just doesn't seem to put up much of a fight (unless I start off with a really bad hand). No idea why.

Anyhow, I think my playing capabilities have gotten better. I managed to use my Naya Deck (basically big POWERFUL creatures being brought out really fast) against an entirely well-made Goblin deck (basically small, EXTREMELY fast, and certain cards boost everything and keeps them alive for long periods of time to FURTHER boost them before bringing out the armada of small weenie annoyances). By right, my deck wouldn't stand a chance against it. My decks tend to border on medium and late gameplay types; because that's where all the best cards can usually be used. So against a fast deck, I'm usually cannon fodder.

BUT, I managed to win him, TWICE, with my deck! xD While he beat DA and Daniel senseless with it, I managed to win him, twice in a row too! xD In tight situations, I somehow have the right cards, and i win the game! xD

No I do NOT like it when people take me on guilt trips. It's as if they want me to do things for them so bad that they decide to misuse my feelings and high regard for friends to get what they want. If that's the kind of person they are, then I'm better off without them. It doesn't matter who they are, or how long I've known them. If they want to be an ass, then I don't need an ass for a friend whom I hold to high regard. Jokes are fine, but those too have a limit.

Anyway, I realise that I really need to have friends around to chat with almost all the time. Otherwise, I get the gloom and depression much too easily... crabborz indeed ><

okay time to go. srsly tired. am gonna die in office again. -_-

God

let not my liking towards magic become an obsession

gnite guys.

God bless everyone who still finds this blog something to look into once in a while. ^^

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotion, Lay All Your Love On Me

2008-10-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

Memories still twitter fresh in the backyard of my mind.

Memories of fun times.

Sadly, mostly tied to the more physical parts. Memories of sweet moments? Also tied to physicality.

Perhaps I just haven't met the right person for me. Only one person has ever attracted the intellectual part of me. Who also at the same time, attracted the physical part of me. Attracted the whole of me in that sense. Yes, spiritually as well.

But she wasn't attracted to me. Rather, she was put off, offended instead.

Ah well.

Situation I'm in right now is a little complicated

though the answer is simple enough.

Still, the best way is to totally not be involved. To leave it as it is would be the best course of action.

But... That would be mean. And being mean that way is something I really can't do...

Unless I really get pushed to the brink of my tolerance, then I will have to be mean. Regardless.

Perhaps... Perhaps being in a coma would be the best course of action.

It's not suicide, and it's not living. I'd be there, but I wouldn't be there.

And then... And then, perhaps this blockade in life would finally disappear...

God

I... I'm filled with thoughts.

Thoughts of actions I should take, thoughts of possible outcomes, thoughts of the consequences I would have to face for each possible outcome.

And all those possible outcomes...

Are not nice ones.

There is only one possible outcome that goes unpredicted, uncalculated.

That's Your outcome, God.

And I believe that it's the better outcome among anything I can think of.

Please guide my actions, and let them lead to that outcome. The one You have prepared and chosen.

An Enemy of My Beliefs

2008-09-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am, at this moment, very undecided about myself.

About how I feel, how I am.

My purpose in life, if I am fulfilling anything at all.

Someone I know over the internet has believed in himself that Satan is the creator of the world. That his soul is trapped in an evil world. That God is all-loving and all-caring, but is not the creator, and since Satan rules this world, is not all-powerful. All that from the day Adam's sin became ours to bear. Because an all-loving and all-caring God would not allow evil in this world.

In so meaning that the Christian God that we learn from the Bible is not real.

For years I've been talking with him, trying to pit my knowledge in my beliefs against his.

And for all these years, he has remained steadfast to his own understandings, refusing to accept anything else.

While he says that he is open to anything that may contradict him (though he believes that nothing will with concrete proof), he has neve really accepted anything I've ever tried explaining to him about. He has a rebuttal for every single sentence I utter, even if my argument requires an entire paragraph to send the message through. And when I say that, he merely smirks and dismisses it without another thought. Of course I could point it out to him, but he'd brush it off with some other remark that would be suffice to summarise to "my understanding proves that your statement is false".

To me... His world revolves around his relationship with his girlfriend. While he harbours a lot of hatred (though he will never admit it) for Christianity (I take he's been mostly in contact with Catholics, because his arguments about Christians' faith seem to be centered around that of a typical catholic church; not to say that they're all the same and they're bad or anything), he seems to fire up only when his relationship with his girlfriend faces trouble.

She's a Christian, but agrees to a lot of his views. To me that's only because she wants to keep him happy and maintain a good relationship between them. But of course he'd only smirk it off by saying that's exactly what the world of evil would say just to break them apart.

I've been talking with him for possibly 3-4 years now, trying to perhaps put some sense (what I accept and believe as sense) into him. The only thing that I've managed to get across (and only recently) is that I've been trying to be a friend to him. Otherwise, nothing has gone through.

A number of people say that I have good Bible knowledge. I don't know where they get that from, but if I'm any good at all, I feel I'm not good enough. I've told him things from the Bible that would challenge many people to rethink their beliefs and understanding of life and their religion, but I've not been able to shake him off his proud rock. I would say he's so full of himself that without knowing it he has made himself his own god over his dominion. That he dictates who and what god is. That he has created god, not god creating him (or in this case the devil I guess).

But the problem with such an argument if I were to bring it up (which I have) is that the same could be said for all religions (and faiths). While we claim that God inspired man to write the Bible, in the end it was still man who wrote the Bible. Whether it was God inspired or not is up to us to believe.

In other words, if I were looking at things from his point of view, I could rebut on almost anything Christianity or any religion has to throw at me and turn it down based on his beliefs.

The only thing however that keeps me from accepting his beliefs as possible and real, is that I've EXPERIENCED God before. I've experienced Him, I've experienced His love, and I've experienced His miraculous power. I've also SEEN His power at work, I've seen miracles that proclaim that He does indeed exist. I've seen Him at work, and I've felt Him. So I KNOW He's real.

But that is something that cannot be explained. It can only be felt and experienced. And a person can only be convicted by the Holy Spirit. While we are vessels who disciple and baptise people, the Holy Spirit is the one who convicts them to convert and to believe.

I ended our conversation by saying that I hope he hasn't and will not commit the unpardonable sin.

I had to look it up to be sure of it before I dared to say it. A part of me wanted to push him to a point where he commited it. But that would in a way make me guilty of pushing him to do it, which would be entirely stupid of me, since that won't help any.

The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. While Jesus was casting out demons, some pharisees came and said that he was the devil casting out his own demons from people. When Jesus challenged them asking them why would Satan cast out his own demons for "a house divided will not stand", they claimed that his power was the power of the Devil himself. That was when Jesus drew the line, saying that any sin commited by man can be pardoned and fogiven, but should a person blaspheme against the Holy Spirit that man would be condemned forever and will never be pardoned (don't quote me on that, it's just my interpretation, since I can't remember the exact words).

Because Jesus explained before that His power was the power of the Holy Spirit, if someone were to refute that claim and say it is of another power, it became blasphemy and thus the unpardonable sin.

Anyway, he said he wouldn't look it up.

I wanted to say "Ignorance is not bliss but only a fool's attempt at playing innocent", but I decided to just turn off my msn at that point.

I really don't know what to do or say. I've exhausted everything I have on him. Everything I know, everything I understand, I've tried to use on him. Yet he refuses to open his mind.

Perhaps I should start praying for him.

That means I'd have to start praying for a long list of people.

That means I have to lengthen my quiet time.

I guess I should.

It's time for a change.

I wanted to initiate the change last week, but I was too weak to guard myself and let things go awry. I lost the conviction then, and decided not to.

This week was worst.

God

Smehow... All this doesn't feel right...

While I'm glad I can answer questions that people ask me pertaining Christianity

Somehow... It just doesn't feel right when I answer them.

It feels as if.. You're not there to support me and back me up.

If this is true... Please show me what I must do to have You right behind me watching my back when such situations arise.

I feel that I've reached the limit to what I can do without making that change.

Please give me the conviction and the strength to live my life holy for You while I await the next round.

I want to be holy for You.

Please dear Lord

Save me from myself

That I may be Your vessel to save others from themselves.

Amen.

God bless my blogreaders
every single one of them.

She Friggin Blocked Me~ Trust, She Friggin Blocked Me~ Lalalala

2008-08-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WvAzMpYHQ8

Click that link and watch that vid! XD

AAnnywayy....

I've been procrastinating about going to the gym. Again.

Can't seem to find the willpower in me to go there to do it for myself. I don't know why.

And today...

Today I ate a bag of Nachos and a slice of Papaya (standard buy-outside-size) for lunch. For dinner, I had a sandwich. The one I bought from the bread store in Endah Parade. And it's small.

Something's wrong with me today.

Gah.

I wish I could just blog about happy moments. But the truth is, I keep thinking only about the sad moments in life. The hardships, how people treat other people...

I got another chain letter/email today. It's really sickening when you read it, and you think about it.

It always starts with some sob story about someone who died.

Then at the end, it'll threaten you and say that if you don't pass this on to a certain number of people within a certain time, this ghost will come to kill you. Or you'll have bad luck for the rest of your life. Or you'll never have a good love life. Or something along those lines.

Or, it'll tell you that you're being blessed today. Or you get a free wish.

Then at the end, it'll tell you to send this to x number in x time, or you'll have badluck blablablabla. OR it'll tell you that if you want your wish to come true or to get your blessings, you must send this to yadda yadda.

It'd be fine if some random person sends it, and it so happens that my address somehow gets added in.

But it really really sucks when a FRIEND sends it to you.

It's like saying "Hey! I got this chain letter, and I think I'll die if I don't do this. So I'm sending it to you. I hope you send it! Cuz if you don't, I think you'll die! Cheers! :) "

Wow, what a friend. With friends like these, seriously, I don't need any enemies.

Especially when they all know I DON'T forward spam mail.

Especially ESPECIALLY those spam mail that try to hinge on your guilt, telling you that if you believe that Jesus is your God and if you wanna spread His words, you must send this email, to show that you care and blablabla.

The thing is... Don't you all get it? These chain letters are created to spam and clog the internet, slowing down the whole world wide web. That is their MAIN purpose. Besides scaring the shit out of some people or holding some people guilty.

Seriously, don't you people ever THINK? Do you ever THINK how the person on the receiving end FEELS LIKE when they get this kind of mail/letter from YOU, who is SUPPOSED to be a FRIEND to that person?

If you wanted them dead so badly, just go and hire a hitman/assassin/mafia or something.

"Oh no, if I don't do this I'll die so I have to do this."

Wow, such powerful brains you got. A ghost tracks all those emails that are mass-spammed throughout the net, appears at 5 different countries in the world simultaenously at 234982756 different places, and kills people for not clogging the net with her silly email stories.

Right.

Get a life.

Or better yet

Get a BRAIN.

And for those who spam the "if you don't do this you won't get blessed" mails

seriously. Our blessings come from God, and He chooses when and how to bless us.

If it was as simple as clogging the internet, God would be spamming BLESSES too. Without thinking.

"Hey, this guy spammed the net in my name! I should bless him!"

Wow. What logic. What inspiration.

What utter brainless activity.

Seriously, get a brain, and start thinking BEFORE you send those lousy spams.

Yes, if you wish to 'bless' someone by sending them an inspirational e-mail, that's fine. But make a note on top saying to ignore the "I MUST SEND THIS TO 598654 PEOPLE" part, or delete that part all together. Leaving that there just proves that you're another one of those people who WANTS the internet clogged. If you're so diligent in forwarding 'blesses' to people, then diligently THINK and DO WHAT'S APPROPRIATE to MAKE it a bless. Not being bothered about others who feel inclined to follow the "I MUST SPAM THIS" order is just part and parcel of being lazy. That's not blessing, that's BURDENING.

Think guys, think. We all have a powerful mind. If we all started using it, the world would be a much better place.

And about that vid

Someone said that it kinda fit my situation.

I had to reply that THAT was my real reason.

No I'm not saying who, figure it out. Kinda easy really.

The problem is

she said that she wanted to keep it as friends.

Ironically, SHE'S the one that's NOT keeping it as friends, rather as some distant acquaintance or safe-distance-from-stalker/weirdguy kinda thing.

Whatever. She's only 20. I've come to a conclusion that no matter the age, women are not as mature as the world think they are.

Maturity comes with experience AND age. Just age alone won't make a girl mature any faster than a guy could. Yes they make more decisions and assume more responsibility faster than most guys, but that doesn't mean they're fully mature. The teenaged-thinking and application is still there a lot of the times.

And of course, they'll deny every single bit of it. Which little girl wouldn't?

Gotta go off now.

God

I'm sorry. I need to be less critical about people, and less bitter.

Please teach me how.

Or better yet, please SHOW me how.

Goodnight.

And God, bless these souls who read my blog ever so fervently.

They are either really good friends who care, or really bad enemies who hate me. Either ways, bless them. For we are to love our friends, and our enemies.

It's Been...

2008-08-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

Two weeks since my last post.

I had to refrain from posting because...

Because people read my blog.

And I shan't explain further... Because of the reason given above.

I've often wondered why I keep giving and giving, splurging and splurging, putting energy, effort and soul into giving...

And sometimes when I look back at all that...

I don't know why I did those things.

I stood to gain nothing from all that.

Of course, I hoped to gain something in return... Actually, just the same thing that I've given would be enough.

"Do to others what you would have them do to you." Isn't that right?

So...

Why is it that...

I don't get them doing so back to me...?

Please, don't argue by saying that I act immature or AM immature, think like a kid, don't want to hear the truth about myself and blablabla... I've had enough of that. That's why I refuse to listen, because I've evaluated that, and I've disregarded it.

Because those who get to know me or have seen me at work or have worked with me, all know that when I need to be serious, all that 'immaturity' and 'kid thinking' disappears. Instead, I'm much more calm, focused and determined than most people.

Yes yes, put in your 'Yeah right's right there. If you haven't seen me at work or worked with me, you don't have to open that trap and form an opinion based on what you see me for on an outer side basis. If you've only known me from what you've seen and heard and base your opinion entirely on what people tell you or what you see whenever I'm out having fun, then you can keep those opinions to yourself. If you don't know me, your opinions are flawed.

See it's one thing to lie to myself about who I am, and it's another thing to BELIEVE in myself on who I am. I can lie to myself all I want but in the end, it just hits me right back in the face, because I've lied to myself about my own capabilities. When I need to have these things at work the most, I wouldn't be able to do it, and I'd fail myself. Sadly, that's something I don't do.

Since a number of people have tried to "tell me the truth", I've re-evaluated my personality and characteristics.

Hard-headed (as those whom have 'tried' to tell me say)
Sorry, but this just doesn't stand. Yes I admit once I'm determined about something, I stand my ground. However if you approach me with enough proof, I DO re-think things. If all you do is mutter baseless accusations, then forget it. No matter how right you think you are or how angry you get, you'll never get past me, because I base my opinions and understandings on hard FACTS and EVIDENCE.

Immature
Ask anyone in my choir cast. They will admit that I am very immature and relaxed at most times, but when the time for proper rehearsal and performance comes, I'm DEAD serious about what I do. I only play the kid when nothing important is at stake. Why do I have to 'grow up' and 'act my age' just because the rest of the world wants to age faster? And when you GET to that age, you decide that you want to age SLOWER, or go BACKWARDS. Seriously, stop following what the flawed waves of the world pushes and follow your own understanding. Do you know what's PEER Pressure? It's a Pathetic Excuse for Extreme Stupidity Pressure. You HAVE a brain, think for YOURSELF, not follow what everyone else does.

So... what else is there? That's about it. Those are the two 'major flaws that make other people dislike me'. Everything else is related to them.

I've presented my argument, and I rest my case. Give me pure hard FACTS and EVIDENCE that what I've just said is either WRONG (as in Lies), or INACCURATE. Don't come telling me that it's because of that people don't like me, and get annoyed when I prove you wrong by those answers alone. I know I'm rather kiasu (afraid to lose), but that's just in my nature, because I want to be right. Doesn't mean I'll do anything to make my statement right even if it's wrong, it means that I want cold hard facts that I'm wrong, before I will say I'm wrong. If you succeed in persuading me to rethink what I've said based on talking alone, then congratulations, you've tested my foundation and found an inadequacy. I will appreciate that with gratitude because I want to be right, I want to be correct.

If I'm not allowed to see it, I won't push to find it. But if insist on playing things beyond my sight one does, it merely shows the one who's being mature, and the one who's acting mature. There's a difference.

~~~~

Sorry but that wasn't the post I wanted to type today.

I'm sorry Ben, but I just can't find it in me to talk to you about my emotional stuff. It's nothing personal so please don't take it personally; I just don't feel that I will get good answers for emotional problems by speaking to men. I'll ask if I need an opinion from a guy, but otherwise... It's for my blog, and the person I talked to to know. And if you can read my blog, then you know I trust you.

Of course this blog public, but there isn't anyone out there who'd randomly decide to keep up on my blog because they know me. After seeing the way I post, most people will run off. Only those who truly care (or truly want to find fault with me) will continue to read.

Which makes me wonder if ECYL is out there reading my posts... Intriguing thought.

And I'm sorry Jun, but it's also hard for me to talk to you regarding my more emotional stuff. It's not that I don't trust you, I do. That's why I still tell you stuff I don't normally tell other people. It's just that... I somehow feel that you're not the person I should be talking to about these kinda things. Besides the fact that you're already heavily laden, as a friend I don't need to give you more to worry about.

I guess... It's an elder sister I've been looking for. I sort of have someone I can talk to right now... But I can only truly express myself when I'm typing/writing. I'm a coward when it comes to my emotional heartbreaks, and it's not easy for me to say them. More often than not, I'll clam up and change the subject.

And about that someone... She's usually not online, so I can't really talk to her much. I also feel guilty for putting stuff on her when she's already got quite a bit to manage herself...

I wish I had a twin sister oh so much... We'd share our problems and be there for each other...

Probably why I've always been in a desperate mood for a girlfriend. I need someone to tell these things to. Only problem now is that I've come off WAY too strongly to the girl I've ever been nervous with, and I've already had 7. I don't need a bigger resume.

And also... I need someone for me to shower love on... I'd shower all that on my sister, but she's spoilt and rude enough, so I have to hold back most of it. I don't know how to shower love on my mother... Kinda awkward and hard for me to do (I really really don't know why...).

So where does that leave me? With no one.

At the moment though, I'm waiting to splurge some on her and her close friend. I owe her friend a favour, so she decided that I should go on karaoke with her, and she'd bring her along cuz well.. she doesn't know me all too well yet. I wanna splurge on them for dinner and karaoke... But it's probably gonna come off too strongly again.

I seriously suck bad when I'm around her. Everything just goes blank. Only when I focus on being serious can I function normally (if my serious mode is normal for me that is). Otherwise... No. No damnit, I can't. I suck bad.

And that's weak. I'm weak whenever I'm around her. I lose my cool, I come up with the most lamous reasonings and one-liners that I feel like kicking my self all the time whenever I try to give her a smart answer.

Blagh.

God...

Please forgive me.

And bless my blogreaders. If you're reading my blog, you're special to me.

Goodnight.

Pants On Fire

2008-08-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Why did you do it?

Why?

If you lied because the world was about to end and if you told the truth you'd ensure its destruction, then it'd be understandable.

But if you lie because it's simply more convenient that way...

Then do you see me as an inconvenience?

Do you see me as an inconvenience so annoying that you'd rather just betray my trust to save some time explaining?

If you do then fine. So be it.

Not even an apology, not even after some time.

You know how much I hate lies and liars. And yet you still choose to seek your own conveniences over a person's trust.

I thought you changed. For the better.

Seems that nothing much has.

Is there a point to all this?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

But as long as you don't open your eyes and see just how much you're growing into the very person you hate so much

You'll continue being that way, until the day you take on full, becoming the heir to the very thing you say you despise so much.

And as long as you close your ears and shut off everyone who truly cares from helping you

you'll never get out of it.

Have fun.

And I hope the price was worth your convenience.

Because the price was me.

And if I really WAS worth that small bit of time you saved explaining

then so be it. After what happened, you never really did show that you were grateful for the things I did.

I guess I just tried too hard to be nice.

Or maybe I just suck that bad. But my logic tells me that I don't, so I won't believe that.

I'll still be around. If you can guess who you are, you're still welcome to find me.

Just don't expect me to trust you that much anymore.

Because I'm deeply disappointed.

But you probably don't even care.

Good day.

Sorry God, my mood's all messed up. Been holding this post back for some time due to busy workdays.

Just wish that day never existed.

And God, bless my blogreaders.

And bless especially those whom I count to be special in my eyes.

Happy Post

2008-07-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ben complained that I haven't been writing happy posts. And my last post wasn't very happy either, so he complained.

So Ben

HERE'S A HAPPY POST!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

Happy now? >.>

Anyway, here's something that made me laugh quite a bit XD;;

Watch it! XD

And recently while riding in a friend's car to the LRT station...

She told me not to compare myself with 'her'. It just wouldn't be fair to either side because of the vast difference in vocal quality, as in the difference in the natural vocal chords. Our voices are different, therefore it would not be fair to compare myself to her. Yes her voice is supremely beautiful and serene, but that is because THAT is her VOICE. Training only helps with control and projection and improvement in the quality, not the original sound. She was gifted with her wonderful voice, therefore it is not fair to compare the gifts of God and see which is better.

Well, that last part was what I deduced anyway.

However, I noted that she lacked in the area of acting. Her facial expressions, her actions, her stage presence, all gave this away, especially during her solos. If you've been to "A Grand Night for Singing", you'll notice that her right and left hand tend to be stuck in a certian half-way up position (as if she's putting her hands on a table), which she very often lifts up in a gesture repeatedly.

What am I saying? lol if she reads this she's so gonna get annoyed at me again haha...

Anyway, that's when my friend told me that another someone and the creative director for TCS commented

That I'm a good actor.

I have the capability of changing my whole being and going into character in an instant (something many actors apparently seem to find very hard to do, I know some actually spend several minutes getting into character). That being besides that I know my stage well, I have good stage presence (knowing how to stand a little just to stand out and look good, knowing where to maneuver to stay within the stage boundaries so that even though I look like I'm doing what everyone is doing I can catch a person's attention and look good doing it), and...

And well... I don't know. I could point out certain factors that I believe make me an above average actor in the acting industry/world but that could possibly be self-praise.

Yet... When she said that (adding that for that to come from two people who're IN the acting industry it was pretty high praise)... I don't know, I felt... I felt something I hadn't felt before. Or at least in a very long time. It was a sense of... Of fulfillment, of satisfaction, happiness, joy, gratitude... As if for the first time in my life, I'm actually doing something right...

I was touched.

No not in THAT way. -_-;;

I found that tears were starting to well up in my eyes. Luckily I was sitting in the backseat and she couldn't see me.

So she reasoned that while 'she' had her incredible vocal talents that overshadowed her acting, I had my acting talents that overshadowed my singing talents. So in a way, we sorta balanced out.

Which was where my mind jumped two steps ahead and started thinking about something else again. Pretty obvious (since it jumps in so frequently whenever I'm on the subject of her), but... Yeah whatever.

But I'm really grateful for her to have told me that. It gave me a little more confidence in myself. I've always believed that I've got above average acting skills... But it's something else to have it confirmed by someone who's really IN that world itself.

It's like a swordsman who's training by himself, after having a fight or some training in the woods, is noticed by an expert swordsman and is commented to be good. If it's all you've ever known to be able to do... It really lifts you up.

Like how I'm told I've done a video that I edited well...

Anyways, that's most of it I guess. Have been losing my appetite a little lately (probably due to 3 nights of buffet in a row), but I guess that's a good thing. I lost 2 kg during production, but I've probably put them back on T_T Need to lose weight! T_T

God

I'ma try harder to stop

And I'ma try harder to be good

Please give me the strength and the perseverence

And the motivation.

God bless my blogreaders

And of course, Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben, CSY and Sylkis.

God bless YOU! :)

Blogpost!

2008-07-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Your result for The Color Code Test...

Color Code: BLUE: The Social Butterfly

Here is the basics: For a more in depth analysis, I suggest you look up the Color Code, and take a more intensive test.

BLUE MOTIVE: Intimacy

BLUE NEEDS: To be good (morally), To be understood, To be appreciated, Acceptance.

BLUE WANTS: To reveal insecurities, Quality, Autonomy, Secuirity.

SUMMARY: Blues are motivated by altruism. They love to do nice things for others. they look for opportunites to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. selflessness rather than selfishness is their guiding philosophy. Blues seek intimacy. They want to be loved and to love. A true blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Blues crave being understood. They are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. Blues may have thier hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love. Blues are directed by a strong moral conscience. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, and their leisure time. A blue would rather lose than cheat. Ethically, blues are people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are.

Take The Color Code Test at HelloQuizzy

Rather accurate. Save for the 'Social Butterfly' thing. Doubt I'm either sociable or a butterfly... Pig maybe...

I do have a need to love and to be loved... I wanna give so much (and sacrifice to give so much)... Yet when I want to focus on giving to a particular someone, I'm met with winterness...

I seriously need someone to talk to. Personally. Like a personal counsellor or something.

I've given up hope on my church and its pastors for that. The church is simply much too big, and the pastors are much too busy. I'll bet you everything I have in my bank account that the two pastors I've spoken to about my problems have TOTALLY forgotten that they were supposed to make an appointment with me to see me.

TWO pastors.

I know that they have their own lives, and they probably have dozens of other needs to take care of, and other people they'd rather counsel than me.

I just feel... Ignored. Rejected.

Youth Church was one of the very few places I'd agree to willingly go to. Simply because I liked the environment.

Now... All us 'older kids' have been kicked out, and I don't like the main service. The Saturday service is even MORE boring, surprisingly.

So... Where do I belong...?

I felt I belonged to TCS. To everyone there, as we were a small group and every single voice is important.

Now that TCS has been temporarily disbanded (since they disband every year and re-band for the next production; they don't have a permanent membership kinda thing), I've... I've got nowhere to belong to anymore.

Again.

I'm already almost totally ignored by my department people in my workplace. Only me dept head, the person next to me and the guy who does the polyphonic ringtones acknowledge my presence and return my greetings. Otherwise... My department ignores my existance.

I hate it.

I'm sorry that I slack a lot. I'm sorry I frequently doze off while sitting on that chair. I'm sorry I usually have little work to do.

I'm sorry I'm not important to the department or the company.

I just need to hold on for another half year, and I'll quit. I can't stand it much longer. The people of other departments all accept me happily. I'm a part of their working family and they like me. Only those who are SUPPOSED to be closest to me are NOWHERE NEAR at all.

I don't get it.

Blah.

Well... Today was probably the last day I'll be seeing her. At least unless we go out for the same karaoke nights again.

I think it's a good thing. Sooner or later, I'll be able to stop thinking about her so frequently. This is turning into a bondage of my mind and I don't want it to continue (I'd rather have her coming to me, but that's not gonna happen DUH so no, I don't want it to continue).

But a friend told me that it may take a turn for the worse instead.

*sigh* Who knows. If it does... I really MIGHT have to go for therapy. I'm already getting rather unstable emotionally. If I didn't have this much willpower to hide my depression, I don't think I'd be able to survive properly.

Oh well. Let's just hope all's well that ends well. Hmm? :)

Anyway, it's really really late.

Goodnight guys...

God...

I'm sorry... For everything I've done.

I've only brought grief to You and Your people.

I want... To be good. To do good.

Please help me to do good.

God, bless my blogreaders.

Esepcially Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben, CSY, and Sylkis.

God bless you.

First in our Lives

2008-07-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm really exhausted at the moment.

I just came home from a full run-through of the performance. I'm tired from the practices and all, but I'm really happy because... Because that's where I feel the happiest. On stage, practicing for the coming performance.

Yet...

The extrovert side of me took over, and I felt that dreary fatigue from not having someone next to me to talk with on the drive back. It just further drained me of my energy and the short-lived joy of (barely) living my passion. Draining me until I grew even more exhausted than before, and ended up coming into the house with too many thoughts in my mind once more.

Among those thoughts... Were the thoughts of her again. As usual.

Yet... It's been a nagging question in the back of my mind now.

What is it that I seem to lack that puts me in the area of not being ready for a relationship?

After some searching on myself... Besides the obvious faults I already have, I realised

That I seemed to be idolizing her.

The most important commandment of the Bible is to Love the Lord your God. That is the first and foremost important commandment above all else. For He is our Lord and He should be first in our lives in everything we do.

So I understood. If I actually continued along the path I seem to be trudging on right now, it won't be Him whose first in my life anymore. It would be her.

And it seems that it's showing quite prominently in my everyday life. I seem to see something related to her EVERYWHERE I look. Something will just remind me of her. In fact, all of my interest, possibly almost everything I am, reminds me of her. I see so many similarities (she'll probably freak out from this post too).

Yet... The one that I SHOULD be seeing FIRST in EVERYTHING I do... Is Him. Not her, but Him. Above everything else.

And so I understood, why nothing seems to be going the way I want it to. No matter what I would try to do, He just won't allow it. Simply because, I'm not ready.

And I believe that I'm not ready too. My heart just wants to jump in so badly but my mind keeps pulling me back. Obviously my heart's the one that has the upperhand most of the time or I wouldn't even be talking about this.

*sigh* It's my own fault that things are happening the way they are now.

She leaves in 2 years time. Back to her studies, back to Canada.

And if and when she does... She'll probably run back to his arms.

If she's happy with him, if God intended for him to be with her instead of me, then by all means, I'll be happy for her as much as I can.

I just...

I just hope that within that 2 years, she'll find a day to remember me, and remember that I promised not to have any conversation with her as per her request. I'm already breaking it plenty now...

Chances are...?

She won't.

Because this choir is the only way we meet or see each other.

Otherwise...

I'm as good as any random stranger she encounters outside.

So what if I'm stupid and don't chase her the way a persistent guy would? I'm not that kind of guy. I know how irritating and annoying it can be when someone you don't like keeps treating you like you're their best friend, and talking and talking to you all the time, and 'helping' you when you really could be better off WITHOUT that kind of 'help'.

And so... I will respect that. As much as my mind can control my heart.

If she never does contact me ever again... Well, that's just too bad for me. Perhaps God has something else in mind. Whatever that may be, I will follow.

I hate driving back alone.

But she will continue to elude/avoid hitching a ride from me.

So... I guess I'll just have to continue dreading the times after rehearsals.

Perhaps one day... If I can finally understand God's love...

Perhaps... I won't feel lonely anymore.

God...

please show me Your love...

God bless Ben, Ivan, Jun, Jas, Sylkis, and CSY.

And Nao too, who's... somewhere here.

Pudding Sadness

2008-07-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

My sad little pudding! T_T

Heh, someone commented that blog was filled with sad and depressing posts. Very rarely have I posted something happy in here.

I guess I should, eh? I've been focusing on my sad memories so much, I tend to forget the happy ones I have.

The problem is...

I don't remember those happy memories...

Well, I bought an NDS Lite yesterday :D It'll keep me off the boredom and off the depressing thoughts for sometime in the everyday LRT boredness...

FF games ftw!

I couldn't stand it. No more.

So I prayed on the way home today.

I told Him that I couldn't stand having to avoid talking to someone. Especially someone that I particularly liked.

It's like... Like the time when me and Jas were fighting. She didn't want me talking to her, so I did my best to avoid talking to her online whenever I saw her.

It hurt. It hurt so bad to see their names out in the open, yet I had to hide in the shadows and stay there lest I couldn't control myself and tried to chat.

I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

And it's killing me.

He also said that I should focus on the things I want.

What do I want...?

I don't have a goal in life.

My only... 'Goal' for namesakes, is to be an actor, for both film and stage.

And...

And to bring happiness to friends

to support them in their times of need

And...

And to bring her happiness.

But those have all been but talk.

I don't bring happiness to friends. I just bring company.

I don't console them. I just talk to them.

And I haven't really helped any friend out much in my life. I've only helped 3 that I could count to be significant.

The rest?

Who are the rest that I've helped out? None.

I've been nothing but talk.

Have I brought her happiness?

I've just brought her annoyances.

I've just brought her grief.

Nothing more.

I'm hardly an actor for film OR stage.

I can say I'm on my way being in my current choir and all. But who am I kidding? I'm FAR FAR away from being anywhere near a proper stage actor.

I can't even fulfill what I want to be.

So what am I in short?

I'm nothing.

Nothing.

I've achieved nothing in life. I've brought little happiness, with mountains of grief.

Yet... He still wishes to help me.

I know I'm not beyond help. Nobody is beyond His help.

I'm just...

Not worth helping...

Self-pity?

No, this isn't self-pity.

These are just facts.

My will to live is strong. Yet my desire to live is weak.

In the end, I fool no one but myself.

'How much do you want Him? How much are you willing to give up for Him?'

God... I don't know.

I have nothing to give up.

Just my little world of games that I run to in escaping the sadness of my real world.

Must I really give that up too?

If I give that up... I truly have nothing.

I will have no fall-back, no safe-guard.

If I fail to attract Your attention...

I would die.

God...

Then help me to give that up to.

If I die, I know I'll go to You.

Yet I don't want to die, I want to make a difference in people's lives.

I want...

I want to be Your sword. Your weapon to strike down the enemy, and to win the souls of men.

I want to be her happiness. Her happiness next to You, that would be her strength and her joy through the best and worst.

I want to be Your mirror. Your mirror that reflects Your light that my friends will follow to You by seeing the light I reflect to them.

I want to be...

Useful.

God, bless my blogreaders.

And of course, Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.

And Nao too. Hie Nao! :)

Fill My Heart with Song and let me Sing Forevermore

2008-07-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

God

I received this message this morning.

~~

read this - you are weary. you are burdened. you are worried. how much do you desire true rest? do you want it enough to go back to Christ? Let Him take over & bless you.

~~

Thank you for sending it to me. I'm thankful that I can always depend on you to be God's messenger in my dire times of need.

Rest in Him... How does one rest in Him...?

Does one relieve themselves of their burdens and worries, trusting and believing in faith that He will take care of everything?

That's gonna be a hard thing to do since I don't like being surprised... I like being ready for anything. I don't like bad surprises. Even good surprises... It makes me feel... Vulnerable. That I could be taken on and hit at any time without me knowing.

But you know... It IS incredibly tiring... Being ready for anything that is... Paranoia helps you to constantly look at your surroundings, expecting something bad to happen to you at any time.

Yet... While it may keep you safe from getting hurt... You tend to always be on a defensive position, always fending off any form of attack that seem to come whether it may be meant as a joke or not.

And in the end, you become someone that's not very fun to hang out with. Because it's not fun to tease you.

And it's true I guess... I don't like it when people throw accusations at me, even if they're just for laughs. I tend to get afraid that they may actually mean it, I get worked up, and I fend off with my reasons and facts. And in the end, the other party ends up not liking the situation because it turns awkward that I took it so seriously.

Blah.

Which is... Funny really. She seems to do that to. At least with me she does. There was once when she was running in late for practice, so I asked her if she got my call (because I called earlier and she didn't pick up). In a rather flustered tone, she said,"I was driving!" Do note that I only asked later when she had settled down. And I asked very casually.

Blagh.

I'm seriously never getting anywhere at this rate.

Why? Because I only see her disliking me the more I try to interact with her.

Feeling down cuz someone dislikes me. And the worst part is that I really really like her a lot.

Kinda like with ECYL. I saw her (again) recently. I was reading a comic book while waiting for my mom at the train station when she appeared out of the station and walked past. She was in her work clothes (white blouse, black knee-length skirt, very corporate look), so obviously she had come from work. Or from a meeting.

I just continued to read my book while she walked past.

Well... I didn't want to say hie. There's an 80% chance that she'll either ignore me, or retort back and walk on.

But... The truth is, every time I think about it, it hurts.

I don't want her to continue hating me like this. I wanted us to... At the very least, be acquaintances again. We didn't have to be friends, I just wanted her to stop hating me.

But I guess it's not gonna be happening...

Faith without actions is dead faith...

When will I dare to act...?

It's true. I'm tired, I'm weary. I'm tired of being worried. 'Do not worry about tomorrow'. I've been worrying about tomorrow every day. Worrying that I won't have enough sleep, that I'll be trudging to work again.

It's only started, and I'm getting tired of working life. At least the office kind.

I'd like to act for my food... I'd like to perform for my food anf shelter...

Not like I could even if I wanted to...

And that's not the kind of career that's good for raising kids anyway.

Gah, I'm thinking too much again.

And Sylkis, if you're still reading (which I highly doubt), I'm sorry for the last post. I was tired, I was sad. And emotionally very shaken. Please forgive me, if my apologies mean anything at all.

God

Please destroy my walls.

It doesn't matter too badly if I'm not saved from the world any longer.

If I can feel just a little bit of Your love, if I can just see a little of Your light...

If I could just touch the hem of your cloak...

I'll be satisfied. If I go insane, let me go insane. If I die, let me die.

I want to be released. I want to be free of the walls I've built around myself.

I don't know how to bring them down. I don't even know the weak spots. I can't even tell that there are walls around me. I've built and lived with them for so long, I can no longer remember what was the world like before this. This has always been my world.

God,

Save me from myself.

God, bless my blogreaders

and of course, Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.

Only girls are allowed to be emotional.

2008-07-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

If a guy is emotional, he's either gay, a sissy, or he's weak and not suitable for girls.

*sigh* I guess I am...

I cried on the way home from practice today.

~~~~~
*thought process*

Why's she being so mean??

You know, it's a possibility she's not being mean...

But it's also a possibility that she is!

Guys this is making things worse. It's adding a lot of sadness.

But... But... He was just behind... He was right there... He's offered to give her rides so many times... And yet... She picked him...

C'mon, the boss was there and he asked him to send her home. Obviously she can't refuse-

What do you mean obviously? She could! She could've refused if she wanted to! She didn't even give it a second thought...

Well duh, remember what happened? Isn't obvious why she would've gone with him anyway?

Yeah... But... But... It's just so unfair... She flirts with all of them, except... It feels really lonely and left out you know! It hurts! It hurts so bad!

Hey c'mon we gotta stop on this alright? Look, he's gonna go through another emotional breakdown again if we continue! Okay? Please stop. We don't need this. HE doesn't need this.

I... I can't help it... It's all going through me so fast... And it keeps coming out... I can't control it... I can't shut it out...

You MUST shut it out! For his sake! C'mon, get it back together! Shut it off now! He's driving for goodness sakes, look he's already started crying! You've GOT TO STOP!

I'll... I'll stop talking... But that won't help with everything still happening... He'll still feel it...

At least do what we can alright? At least do what we can. I'll do everything I can to help contain it from releasing too much.

*end of thought process*
~~~~~~~~~~~~

The walls cracked a little. A little of something seeped in. It was green. It created an unbalance. What was within was turned into chaos, resulting in a leak out.

The leak out resulted in speeding. And a slight problem with running water.

It wasn't a normal leak. It leaked things that had been pent up for quite some time, and knowing that it would be pent up for at least another 2 more years it leaked even worse than before.

Fortunately, it wasn't too dangerous a leak. The builder held back those walls, and repaired them as soon as things rested.

How can I break those walls?

If I tear them down, it's not the fear of hurting myself that I'm afraid of.

It's the fear of killing myself.

I see so many harsh things that happen in a day. Most people don't see them because they are small. But just because they don't see them doesn't mean they may not be affected. Nor does it mean that it doesn't exist. They are there and they are very real. It's these small things that can really shape a person to the way they become. After all, a few thousand little drops builds a stalactite and a stalagmite.

And it's these smaller things that keep pounding away on those walls. The big ones pound too, but compared to the massive armies of numbers, the strength of the big one alone is little.

I'm afraid. Afraid of the world. As long as I have my walls, I'm not afraid, for they are strong.

If I tear them down, I fear I might lose my sanity. After all, sanity is what it keeps inside.

What if God chooses not to save me in the time where I'm most vulnerable? Or what if I lose my sanity and ability to reason before He decides to? He works in His own ways after all, I have no guarantee that tearing down these walls will deliver me into the hands of the saviour.

It doesn't matter whether Sylkis reads this or not. It would be better if she didn't, and since she said she's not, she probably won't. I would've still typed this out anyway. This IS my blog after all, and this is the only place I can find solace in pouring my heart out and be heard.

I felt like crying so badly. Just crying and crying.

People say that you'll feel better when you cry it out.

They need to add something:

You'll feel better when you cry it out IF and ONLY IF someone is there to comfort you.

You'll feel worse if you cry alone.

And most of the time

I cry alone.

God

I can't blame her for doing what she did and has been doing (about today, I don't know if it was intentional or not but my better judgement says she's innocent so I'll leave it with that). I'm the only one to blame for everything that has happened. That sounds really familiar, but this time I know for sure it's a fact. It was my fault for scaring her away. I was stupid. I was dumb.

But I was infatuated. And I still am.

Either ways...

I just hope she knows that I don't blame her a single bit for the way she's been acting towards me.

I want to talk with her and have fun with her so much. I feel so jealous every time I see her having happy chats with other guys.

But I don't think I'll ever get to chat away with her being really happy. Besides the 'restraining request', I don't see myself as worthy of anything the likes of her.

I'd probably make her life miserable.

So God...

I pray that You'll get her a good future person, whoever he may be. I have faith knowing that You'll give her nothing but the best for her. So I guess I'll rest easier tonight knowing that.

God, bless my blogreaders.

And Ivan, Jun, Jas, Ben, Sylkis, and CSY.

Goodnight...

And please don't let this be goodbye.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

2008-06-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

when hope was high and life worth living...

~~~~~~~
Emo part here. Scroll down to skip >.>

I found out the reason.

It wuz because of this thing that you're reading right now.

Yeah, my blog.

It was against my better judgement to give her the links. Still, I did. Heh.

I... Just wanted it to be different. I didn't want to follow the same routine that I wrote up, to first get close, be friends, get closer, and finally decide to stretch my hand out.

Instead, I decided to jump. Haha.

Stupid stupid me.

Oh well, I know it's my fault. I don't blame her for wanting to put some distance between us.

And well... Being the person I am, I will respect that. Much as I want to msg her every time I see her name online, I won't.

Bah. Gotta really focus to kick these kinda thoughts out of my head.

~~~~~

Non-Emo part.

You know what I recently found out?

I can focus. Focus extremely well.

I can focus really well during practice sessions, and during performance times. Seriously.

I know I always play around and crack lame jokes everywhere all the time, but when the time comes and attention is really really needed (as in serious bits of feedback and stuff, directions and whatnot), I find that I don't even need to put an effort to stay awake. My mind suddenly tunes in and focuses really really well.

Usually I need to pull a lot of energy into focusing on something. Just that alone can make me really tired. Like planning something, remembering details of things I need to do and other stuff like that.

But when it comes to performing arts, I don't need to commit my entire self just to listen. My mind just... Just stops everything and tunes in automatically.

I really love that. It makes me feel... That I belong somewhere.

That I, usually the joker who runs around not paying attention, having a slight Attention Deficit Disorder problem, can pull my whole body into focus for something.

That I can do SOMETHING right.

I wanna just keep on performing. Forever.

I don't ever want to stop.

Why would I want to practice and practice non-stop? To the point of extreme exhaustion? Feeling sad that a practice session is over even if it was vigorous, tiring and took 3 hours?

Because... Because this is where I feel ALIVE.

Alive.

And doing something right.

For perhaps, for once in my life.

I have so many regrets in life. Mistakes I've done I know I can never undo. All I can do is remember them, warn others about them, use them to help people who go through the same thing, and...

And dwell on them, replaying those moments of my life, wondering why I was ever so stupid.

And in the end, I'm not the 'hyperific person' that I portray myself to be. On the outside, everyone sees me as someone fun, someone who'll always be in a good mood, someone filled with energy. And to a small few who have told me, someone who inspires and energizes others around me. For those who have said this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do not know how much it means to me.

No. On the inside, when I'm alone with myself and my thoughts, I feel bitter towards the world, and towards life. Bitter for the emotional hardships that I've had to endure for the sake of my loved ones. I can stand physical hardships, but not emotional. My fields of grass has been torn up so many times that I've had to build solid steel walls to protect what's left of what had once been a field of flowers lit in sunlight.

But even these steel walls are a double edged sword. While they protect what I have left from the outside, they confine the things inside, denying it of the sunlight and the fresh air it needs to thrive.

So in the end, I encase it, watching it wither away slowly.

If I keep it in, I protect it, yet I kill it.

If I tear down those walls, 1 final crush could destroy it. Yet, there would be hope of allowing it to breathe once more, and live.

You know what I chose.

I know which is the better option.

I just don't dare to.

I'm waiting for someone to knock on that door and prove themself of a pure reason before I dare open the door.

I wonder...

~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a look at myself in the mirror one day.

For the rest of that entire day, I felt dislike for myself.

I didn't like the way I look. I felt that I looked horrid and boring. That... There wasn't much of me to look at.

The only redeeming factor would be my hair, as beautiful as I've always kept it to be.

But the rest of me... Isn't even worth taking a second glance.

It enclosed around me again, that familiar self pity. And knowing no defence against it, I let it dwell again.

God, save me.

~~~~~~~~~~

God

Bless my blogreaders.

I also found out, HM still reads my blog, occasionally. Bless her too.

And of course, Ben, Ivan, Jas, Jun, and Sylkis, who doesn't read my blog anymore due to obvious reasons.

It's alright.

I'll live. I just pray that Your will be done, for it is more important than anything else.

I'll sacrifice everything I have, from my happiness to my free will if it will bring Your kingdom to pass.

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Goodnight.

Can you pronounce Oh-Vuh-Well-Ming?

2008-06-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

The Tale of the Falcon and the Nightingale who dwelled in the wings of the Great Eagle.

The falcon soars above the skies (technically above the skies is impossible, but let's ignore that for poetic reasons), going on with its day as it always has. T'was to be another day where it would fly with friends, parading its splendour along with others to entrance the other animals with a magnificent display of aerodynamics, together with a group of close friends. Among such were a tanned flamingo, a rather disorientated stork with diamonds in its eyes, a rowdy day-owl, and some other birds that were common to sight.

However, today was to be a special day indeed. Instead of following routine, this falcon decided to stray from its parental kin and flew off to seek its own adventures for a day. It came upon a place where many animals gathered, dancing and singing in their own special way.

So it rested upon a branch in a corner with some other animalfolk, enjoying the music they made.

Then it came.

A group of different animals took the stage, and started singing in a harmonious manner. All the other animals quietened down, even the clouds lent their shade as the sun shone through at certain spots, lighting up specific areas.

The nightingale was also there.

When it came for the nightingale's turn to sing, her voice flowed through the air, striking the hearts of all the animals that heard it. It sang a sweet melody in a fast and up-tempo beat, and ended with a bright, high finish, before continuing with the rest of the stage.

For a moment, the bird that sat in that corner was awestruck.

This little nightingale had been in that little flock he had joined too. While in there however, the sweet feather had always seemed to be tired and did not seem to enjoy itself to its fullest.

Here however, being lifted of the restraint of the stress from the grumpy owl, it sang of its own accord, praising the Great Eagle that soared higher than any sky.

Alighting off the branch after it had all passed, it flew off with a friend he knew for a short while. They enjoyed some fishing and fun time, before the friend's parents came to take him home.

Left alone, its mind started to wander.

It had flew on its own for some time now. While it had parents to watch over it, flying solo was still preferred. It would rather soar with friends, but friends that flew to such heights and with such free time were not easy to find. They had homes to attend to, their own responsibilities to look after.

Yet as much and as majestic as it flew, the voice played on in its head.

It had been told by its family that it had talent, that it had been gifted with much.

Yet even with all that... There still lacked something, something that put the little songbird above itself in... In so many aspects.

It could only fly higher. And faster. And perhaps eat more.

But it could not sing better. It could not entrance other animals better. It didn't even come close to that serene sound. All that came out were some squawks and chirps that were probably in-tune. Or not.

There was something missing. It knew what it was, but it didn't know how to get there.

For that little nightingale could fly higher than any sky, and fly beneath the wings of the Great Eagle, chirping away with it in ease, flying closely beside, and ocassionaly resting on its magnificent wings.

Yet no matter how hard this falcon tried, it could not fly any higher than it already could. There were miles between it and the Great Eagle; so far was it apart that it couldn't even see the Great Eagle. It knew the magnificent One was there, yet, it could fly no higher than its its wings could carry.

How could the little bird, smaller than it was, fly higher?

Perhaps it was because it flew beneath the Great One's wings, always seeking shelter beneath it, riding the wind as it came and being shielded by the great wings.

But the falcon couldn't understand that. It didn't know how.

It didn't know how.

Later in the day, it grouped up with the little band of friends, ready for another day's worth of routine.

Feeling entirely nervous, it tried to chirp to the little bird of song. But its nervousness took up most of it, and the chirp became a squawk. The nightingale, used to hearing the falcon squawk, chirped back matter-of-factly but politely, and dismissed it.

Dejected by its own foolishness, the falcon hopped back to its position, and remained silent unless required.

Even if it sat close, it felt they were of great winds apart. As great as the great sea-winds that blew the migratory swallows from the north to the south.

Leaving the collection of animals after the routines were over, it looked up into the night sky, staring aimlessly at the stars.

Would it ever find that which was missing from its flight?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My driving is horribly atrocious at times. I seriously need to learn to be patient on the road.

Need more patience.

I'm not a doctor. I have no patients.

God...

I can't see Motivation anymore.

I'm starting to really dislike the angels You send to me now. They come for such a short period of time, and just when I get attached, You take them away.

That doesn't mean I'm not thankful for them. I'm thankful that You've cared for me enough to put them in my life to help me grow. I just... Don't like it when you take them away. Yeah I know I'll probably hang onto them like a crutch, so I know it's for the best. Still I want to complain T_T

I learnt today that a dysfunctional family brings up dysfunctional children.

Therefore, I'm a dysfunctional child. A child without its father grows with insecurity. I know I have insecurity issues. I know that I have problems with moving through stages of life. Everything that preacher said today was so true.

BUT

The one thing that went wrong was the statistics.

Statistics show that because of this, I am sealed to be a delinquent.

Unless You come into the picture.

Which I believe You did. At a very early stage of my life. You reminded me of You, that You would always be there.

And I remembered. So even though my family would fall to pieces, You would always be there.

But now I deal with the issues of moving through life's stages. I deal with insecurity.

I have a stepfather, but he is no father to me.

I have a real father, but I don't even know where he is.

I only have You, the Abba Father.

But... I see You as God, the supreme being, the creator of the universe, the One who is Holy and Just.

I... Can't run up to You and hug You. I, with the fear and the insufficiency of my mind cower before You, falling to my face and bowing, with no courage to stand up and to look at Your face.

I know You love me. I know my mother loves me.

But... I do not understand this... Love. My heart may have known it in the past, but I do not know it now.

I know the definitions of love. I can preach love and have people believe strongly in me.

Yet I myself, do not understand this love.

I know the acts, I know the responsibilities.

I do not know the feeling. The feeling to be loved.

I need to know the feeling.

I want to, and I need to.

I've lived life for so long, with little to talk to, except my blog.

I am a coward for I fear of talking face to face, mouth to mouth. My words do not come out, my auto system will only permit me to say that I am fine. Because I have perseverance and strong will-power for the things I need to do to survive, I know that I will always be fine, therefore, I do not lie.

Yet... I wish to talk of all these... These strange feelings deep inside that always seem to hurt me, to make the blue skies turn to grey clouds, to make every step to be filled with weights and burdens. Of these, I fight with my own strength. I prevail at most, but my strength will not last forever.

I wish for someone to show me how to take some of these weights off me, and give them to Jesus, who promises to carry them with me. Or rather, who promises to carry all of them for me, that I may walk in nimbleness.

I do not know who to turn to. There are little I trust, and fewer still who would be willing to do so, with the heart to help.

After all, if they don't ask to help, it feels as if they don't truly care.

And my heart's confused.

I'm torn between selfishness, and selflessness which has the possibility of really being insecurity and self-pity instead.

And... Right now...

I won't complain that life isn't fair. I've gone past that stage. "Life isn't fair, but God is good."

For me, it's "Life isn't fair, so complain about it 239482546 times a day and it still won't change. Better just live with it and make it fair for yourself and the ones you care for as much as possible."

But... I will say that rite now, at this very brief moment

I'm tired of life.

I'm tired of trying to live life righteously. I'm tired of trying to be nice to everyone. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I'm tired of sucking up to people who make incoherent remarks that ultimately contradict themselves. I'm tired of waiting forever for something that will probably never come, from past doings of my own, and from my own stupidity. I'm tired of seeking security from people and draining their energy in doing so.

I'm tired of who I am. And who I'm trying to become.

For this brief moment...

I'm tired of being me.

I just wish... I could sleep in a deep coma and never wake up.

Or just die in my sleep tonight. That would save hospital costs.

Before the part of me that nags away about my responsibility to those I care for and to those I love, and to those whom I will be a vessel of God to save in the future takes over,

I just wish everything would end right now.

Living life by willpower alone is draining to both my willpower, and my mind.

I need God's strength, and God's love to continue fighting that fight.

But I don't know how to get it. I've asked, but I haven't gotten it.

There's something I'm missing.

Something I hope to find soon.

Hope to.

God

Bless Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, and Sylkis, if she does still read this blog. And CSY too, for always being there for a sensible chat when I need her.

And all you blogreaders who faithfully read through my insecurity issues. Or maybe you just skip them all. Who knows? I thank you anyway. So, God bless you too. :)

And... I'm so gonna die in the office tomorrow and wake up a zombie. Haven't even bathed.

Goodnight.

Several Things

2008-06-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Why do I get jealous so easily?

Why am I always desperately seeking for attention and care?

Is it because I'm insecure in certain areas (or every area), that makes me always want to be the center of attention so that...

So that what...?

~~~~~

I am Yours

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the Earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart...

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are~

I am
A flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You
Here me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am~
I am Yours~

I am Yours~

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again~

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out to the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are~

I am
A flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You
Here me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am~
I am Yours~

I am Yours~

Whom shall I fear whom shall I fear?
Cuz I am Yours~
I am Yours~

~~~~~~~

Sometimes... No almost every time I hear this song, I feel that it tells so much of how I feel.

So small, so insignificant... Even my disappearance from the world wouldn't change anything. So many people are probably better off without me anyway.

It becomes a habit- to remove yourself out of someone's life. Because you've been hurt by that person, and think they're probably better off without you, and you just leave.

I know it's the telltale signs that this person is insecure. I don't need a psychologist. I know most of all of my psychological problems. (except for those sudden breakdowns... But then again, it's possible that a sudden thought of a deep hurting wound in my subconscience triggers my present emotions to drastically change, hence the sudden random breakdowns. Fortunately it doesn't happen often, so you probably will never see it happening.)

I don't need someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

I need someone to...

To fix it.

I am jealous.

I get jealous so easily.

And I still am jealous.

I've never had... Had someone who would cling to me so dearly before.

Those that I've been with in my past... There were times when they wouldn't want to let me go. But those were during the times.

When the times passed, the very next day or week or even a month later, things go back to the way they were before.

I'm not missed.

At least, I'm not aware that I am.

Then again, there isn't a reason that I would be.

He should treasure her. God works in His own mysterious ways. Those ways could bring them back together. Neither land nor sea, no living entity or non-living can take apart what God has put together.

He probably does treasure her. What am I saying? <.>

If... If that's how things were meant to be...

Who am I to stop it...?

Who am I...?

~~~~~

Recently had a chat with CSY again.

I felt like God had spoken to me through her.

I just wish I had some sort of assurance that it's Him.

We were speaking about Faith. How I saw her as having much more faith than I do, with me having such little faith.

Her question was, how is faith measured?

I explained that there is no true measurement of faith (if you want to see who jumps off the building first and believes that God will send angels to save them... Well don't do it okay? Don't do the test I mean.).

I only saw her as someone with graeter faith than I do because of her lifestyle, because of her 'naive faith', because she's in touch with her spiritual life, walking closely by Him.

Whereas I on the other hand... My lifestyle's a mess, my faith is confined by the case of Possibility and Logic, I'm not in touch with my spiritual life, I don't see myself walking closely by Him.

As the conversation went on, it came to a point of defining faith.

Faith is believing in something so much that no matter what happens, the thing that you have your faith on WILL happen. Believing without seeing. It's like being tied on the road in front of a speeding train, being calm and having faith that you will somehow be saved. And even if things don't work the way you wanted it to, strong faith will help you to accept the situation and believe that God will work His wonders in this way.

And of that, I have little, because... Because I don't know and can't understand His love. I cannot comprehend so many things about Him. Comprehension means a lot to me, because I grew up believing that everything can be explained. And I still do. I just want an explanation for God. I believe in my heart, that everything can be explained, in His favour. I believe that so strongly that my faith will not deter from any hard questions about Christianity and the Bible. I've sought out many hard to answer questions, and have found acceptable (to me) answers along the way. Of course I lack actual substantiation seeing that I only have my memory to help me. But my mouth helps a whole deal too.

And then... She pointed it out.

Isn't that, in its own way, a very strong faith?

I... I was shocked for a moment.

I never thought of it that way.

I had swore that no matter what happened, I would not betray Christianity or Him and enter another religion or non at all. I swore that I would always stay loyal and true to Him, no matter what the consequences.

And to swear alliegence to something, you have to first believe in that something. I believe with all my heart that He exists, and constantly works and models events in His own special ways, constantly believing that no matter WHAT happens, it happens for a purpose, and they ALWAYS serve for the better, be it for us or for the extention of His kingdom (which would mean for the better of someone else).

And no matter what questions came by, no matter how strongly the opposition tries to deter my faith, I would not be thrown off.

Yes I would be shaken, sometimes to a point I have to throw myself to the floor.

But I would never allow anything to push me off my firm foundation.

I believe I'm so strongly rooted that even if the end of days comes tomorrow, I would still be loyal to Him to the very end.

She pointed out, that THAT in its own, is incredibly strong faith.

That my faith is not weak, it's in fact even stronger than most people. Because I don't know enough about my faith, I seek answers to my questions in order to answer other people regarding the same questions. I stand firm on my faith with the knowledge I have and the knowledge I believe I will receive to help fight for His cause. And with that built up, I do not waver easily.

It took me a moment to analyse what she had just said then.

Because... I just never thought about it that way.

I had little faith in the areas of walking side by side with Him and leading my life in Him. I had little intimacy with Him.

But I had faith as strong as a fortress in the areas of knowledge and my personal values and beliefs.

I wasn't weak. I was strong. I AM strong. Stronger than I ever thought.

And from this strength, I would learn to walk intimately with Him.

Thank you, CSY.

~~~~~

When will I get that house? Will I ever get that house?

Will I ever crawl out of this ditch that I keep falling back into over and over again...?

Sometimes I can't forgive myself at night because I feel I lack sincerity.

And Sincerity... Is indeed lacking. In me.

It's all becoming a ritual.

An everyday norm.

Which is really bad.

~~~~~

God...

I'm really sleepy right now... so bless Ivan, Jun, Jas, Benny, and of course, Sylkis.

May those who don't know You find you someday, and may those who know You walk closer with you with every passing day.

Goodnight, world.

Contemplations of the Unworthy

2008-06-14T08:50:00.001-07:00

Aslan: Rise, Kings and Queens of Narnia.

*Peter, Edmund and Whatshername rises. Caspian remains kneeled*

Aslan: ALL of you.

Caspian: I do not think I am ready.

Aslan: It is for that reason, you are.

~~~

Those were the utterly most inspiring and heartbreaking (in a good way) words I have heard for... For the year, I think. Or maybe even the decade. Or in my life.

I was so touched, I almost started to cry. Too bad my maid was around.

Yes, I've just watched Narnia 2 only today. And for those of you who thought it sucked, you can go dig a hole and hide innit. Because I, a film graduate, proclaim that it was good.

Yeah, I'm a film student so I shud have extra credit >D

I've always felt in my life that I'm unworthy of this, that I'm not good enough for that. I didn't dare make any moves on her because I felt that I was unworthy of her. She's strong in her faith, she's got great dreams and she's already living out part of them, her future career will be to help people.

And what am I? Some half-assed Christian who wallows in his own self-pity, knowing his problems yet not willing to seek out the answers or the actions to solve them, putting up a farce in front of others telling them the things he won't do yet inside he knows that he's just as bad as everyone else; a hypocrit. I'm not close with Him, I don't know if I love Him, I don't fulfill my duties to Him, I live life dreading the next day that comes even though I preach for others to be thankful for today and look forward for tomorrow.

Yet, it is because I think that I'm unworthy, I am. It is because I believe that there is so much more that I should and could be doing, it is because I believe that there is so much more to improve on, it is because that I see my own faults, that I am worthy. (well it could mean that I'm worthy of her, but that's not what I meant. srsly)

I think I'll be signing up for the water baptism classes sometime soon. I finally have the courage and the faith to follow in His footsteps. It is because I think that I am not ready to be baptised, that I AM ready. A paradox that makes absolute sense.

No, I haven't been for water baptism yet.

I was baptised as an infant. Even then, it was through the sprinkling of water, not immersion. My church prefers baptism by immersion. Also, baptism as a person who understands and calls the Lord Jesus his personal saviour. Not as a baby who would just get annoyed cuz water got splashed on it. him. her. w/e.

Yes, yours truly hasn't been through proper water baptism yet. Yes, it's believable, no I'm not lying -_-;;

"You are not unworthy, you are not useless. You are worthy in the Lord" was never a real uplifter to me. So what if I'm good in someone's eyes? I could be a good student to someone who's at the bottom of the class. But what good does that do? Nothing.

"It is because you think you're not ready, that you are." Now THAT hit the spot. *cries*

God

Thank You for your uplifting words. And thank You for inspiring the person who wrote Narnia. He truly is a blessed man indeed.

God, bless Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben, and Sylkis.

And my blogreaders too. :)

Crush

2008-06-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

What's a crush?

It's when you take an orange, squeeze it so much that all the juices come out.

And you get orange crush.

I didn't realise. I knew that the possibility was there, but I still wanted to brush it off. Wanted to brush it off so badly because of what I wanted. Because of what I believe I needed. Because... Because...

Because I want to cry so badly right now.

So so badly.

But I won't.

I won't cry.

There shouldn't be a reason to cry. Even if the reason is valid, which mine probably isn't, I still shouldn't cry. Crying is a luxury. Crying should never be done alone. If you cry alone, everything still stays there. If you cry alone, it's just a matter of time before you break down and cry once again about that same matter. Unless it turns favourable to you, it will just repeat itself like a broken record. The only thing stopping you from crying would be your self-willpower.

So because there's no one near whom I can cry on, I shan't cry. I shall save my tears for a day when it's more needed. For the day when something totally hits me off-guard, tilting me off-balance and totally destroys my walls.

But

Well... There was a minor hope. A hope that time may help to cultivate and grow.

Yet, such hope is something I must keep hidden in a safe, never to see or to touch. Because such hope is selfish, and even if I can coax myself to believe it is for the better, a part of me will always look against it. Because that is my belief. That Love should not be taken away. That Love should not be given up on.

That it would be an honour to sacrifice my needs and desires for those who love.

I smile a smile at you, and laugh a laugh with you.
I function as I normally would, because it's what I need to do.
Yet somewhere within me, my heart is crying.
Crying and weeping, to a hope that is dying.
Yet for all it's worth, I will strive on.
Because I want to see you live strong.
In Joy and gladness, living in happiness.
For anything else would leave me in sadness.

Perhaps it was foolish for me to have opened this to the public. Some things area always best left unknown. But a diary is written because it must be found and read by others. Otherwise, there is no reason to pen it all down if someone will see it anyway. It is much easier to keep it all within, and slowly forget, because no one will ever know.

So blogs whether private or not, are meant to be found and read by others. That is its purpose. Because deep down, that person wants it to be found and read. That person wants sympathy and empathy. That person wants advice. Which he/she hopes to get by blogging annonymously.

God

Hie.

Is it not possible to rip out my emotions and desires until I am fit to have them?

Sometimes I really wish You would. It would be so much easier to live a life in You with all that gone.

But I guess that won't happen, or we can't learn. I start to envy machines because they were created for a purpose, and fulfil their purpose without any objections on their part. I wish I knew your purpose for me on earth, and I could fulfil that purpose to the point my body breaks. I don't want to grow, I don't want to learn. I just want to do what You want me to do.

Such warped ideas I have...

Sorry. I'm not sure what's exactly happening, but I hope it'll pass soon enough. I want to say my heart can't take it anymore, but that'd be a lie. I'm too strong to break down and die. A trait that I sometimes dislike, because then nobody would know how much I hurt. But it's alright, I'll live on. As long as I get to know I've helped in some way to make life on earth better for my friends, I'll live on with all I've got. Let emotions tear me apart, let the storm hail as much as it can. So long as lives this purpose in me, so long will I continue to fight to live to fulfil this neverending purpose.

God bless my blogreaders, and Jun, Jas, Ivan, Ben (no Barnes, sorry Sylkis) and Sylkis.

God save the world.

Because I Was Tagged

2008-06-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

Got tagged by Sylkis >.>

10 Years Ago, I…
1. got 5 (full) As for UPSR >.>
2. Gave the position of best school storyteller to the next person in standard 5...
3. was in an Eraser playing craze with a BIG BOX filled with erasers (gave them away)
4. pwned all the girls in 5 stones and pwned all the guys in bottlecaps
5. Graduated from primary school .__.

5 Years Ago, I…
1. Did... Average in my SPM
2. experienced my first time dumping a girlfriend
3. was a peer outcast >.>
4. wrote my last serious poem I think
5. took home the Best Student Award... (cries)

3 Years Ago, I…
1. what did I do at 19? Oh yeah I took up my major in Broadcasting
2. had my first (and last) 2-day relationship
3. GOT MY CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
4. FLEW AROUND IN MY CARRRRRRRRRR
5. Shot my first ever video (which kinda sucked, but I wasn't director >.>)

A Year Ago, I…
1. bummed for a year >.>
2. Got my first Freelance Job :D (1 days work for 300 bucks is a woot XD or was it 500?)
3. experienced the death of my paternal grandmother. On saturday, a day before easter. Never realised how much I cared for her, never realised how late I was in sharing with her. Never realised how important time was.
4. Pondered a lot about my life and my relationship with God
5. erm... Celebrated my 21st birthday? CRABS!

So Far This Year, I…
1. Got my first OFFICIAL job (glares at mom)
2. have been dying in the office cuz it's SO boring and I finish my week's work in 3 days, if I even HAVE work that is
3. For the first time in my life, realised how nervous I was in front of a girl I truly liked despite all the years of 'training' and all the girl-friends I've hung out with
4. took my first step in learning to truly forgive
5. VOTED FOR THE FIRST TIME 8D

Yesterday, I….
1. was reminded of how much of a klutz I am in dancing, not that I know how to dance (I try)
2. was at a press conference! >.>
3. couldn't stop staring at someone's cleavage (am ashamed x__x)
4. was entranced to someone's melodic voice twice (couldn't help noticing singing mistakes though... it's the critic in me T_T)
5. erm... erm... erm... Danced with her for the first time in my life. Never felt such nervousness and blanked-out in my life. (T_T I'm so lame x_x Wait isn't this a repition? hmm... Discuss!)

Today, I ….
1. woke up wondering why I was going to work on a saturday. Then realised it's still FRIDAY.

Tomorrow I will…
1. Take Dancing Classes
2. Give Driving Classes (MUAHAHAHAHA PH333rrr M3333hhhhh)
3. NOT catch up on my sleep T_T
4. Hopefully attend the 5:30pm service at church
5. Look forward to Sunday for more reasons than 5. Yes 5.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tag...

Ben, Jun, Jas (even though I won't see what she says >.>), Ivan (wait he doesn't have a blog)

erm

Vivacious! and... and...

ermm...

NAOKO >D I KNOW YOU READ MY BLOG XD

God

Just as you gave me the talent to pick up the guitar and play when I asked

I'd like to request for the talent to dance

I love to move my body. Everytime I see someone dancing happily, my body just feels like it could burst from all the energy trying to get out. Yet I dare not release it because I know I'll just look...

Stupid.

Cuz I can't dance. And I'm not aware of how I look when I move. (seriously, I don't like that 'thrusting' move. It's vulgar to me >.> Besides, I feel everything... nvm)

So God

Give me the talent to dance? please?

God bless my blogreaders! Especially Jas, Jun, Ivan, Ben, and Sylkis! :D

Crack

2008-06-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

No I'm not on it.

Though there are times when I just wonder what it's like to get on it, to escape the ferocities of everyday life for just that moment.

Then never escape the ferocities of the side-effects that it brings.

Have you ever said something then regretted it after you get a negative answer from the recipient?

I sometimes wonder if my mouth really thinks faster than my brain does.

Then again, yesterday I was hoping for a more... Positive answer.

I had a strange feeling while having lunch yesterday. That would be about 1:15 - 1:30 pm. I just had a weird feeling that someone was having some problems.

The only name that came to my immediate thought was hers.

I was tempted to call her on the spot, asking if she was alright. Then again, I didn't think that she'd like it, (considering my last blogpost, ANYONE even SHE would be turned off, pissed and be on her guard by now) so I didn't. I just quietly hoped that she was alright, that my 'intuition' was off, that what I felt was merely a random feeling that emerged from my subconscious or something.

But I called her anyway. When I was walking home from the LRT station yesterday evening.

She didn't answer. I assumed she was driving, knowing (more like intuitively feeling) that this was the time she'd be driving home. So I left it at that.

Later in the evening, I received an sms from her, apologising for not picking up as she was driving (doh). She asked me what's up.

So I explained that I wanted to ask if she was alright. I felt that she had gone through something stressful yesterday, so I mentioned so and asked if she was okay.

She replied "I'm alive, thanks" (and more stuff that didn't matter like 'see you on Thursday', clearly trying to brush aside the matter).

Then I replied, asking her not to avoid the question, (as being in a coma still merited the status of 'being alive'... lame joke really, but I think it just pissed her off more).

She replied, saying that she didn't need to answer that question. She promptly said goodbye then ('[Name] thx for concern but I don't need to answer that question, goodnight and GodBless') (of course this isn't the real sms, that's just a shortened version, her English is really good).

Well she put a smiley at the end of it, so I hope that means she isn't pissed off about it.

I replied, apologising for trying to prod, and 'take care Godbless goodnight'.

Well there are a few things on my mind right now regarding this:

I probably hit the spot, meaning something did happen yesterday.

Probably something personal, that's why she didn't wanna talk about it

OR

Probably something not so personal, but she wouldn't tell me anyway, thanks to my last blogpost. Heck, I MYSELf wouldn't tell me anything if I were to stalk myself and talk about myself like that. Wait, did that make sense?

Either ways... I should've made PRAYER as my first action, not worrying. I prayed anyway, at night, before I hopped onto bed in my work clothes and fell asleep with the lights on. I prayed that... That whatever she was going through, He would be there to comfort her, to be with her, and to show her the way to go.

Though, I still felt very much inferior in my prayer time. She's much stronger than I am, what would the difference be whether I prayed or not? I know God's always there with her, and she knows that too. Would there be any change if I had not prayed? Would there be a difference if I decided to stop then and there because she was already strong enough to know He's always there for her?

It ran through my mind the entire time. Yet I prayed anyway. Just in case, I said. Just in case.

Yet my tears wouldn't run. My heart felt heavy, yet my eyes didn't water.

Am I losing my emotions...?

Whatever it is... I want you to know, that I was concerned as a friend, nothing more. Right now, I doubt I'm more than an acquaintance to you... So that's fine I guess. Until you're ready to accept me for more than just another person you knew from TCS, I'll be your friend in prayer.

Hey, I may have all those thoughts at the back of my head, but I can still keep a clear mind and act accordingly without having them interfere. My will is stronger than that. ^^

~~~~

You know... I've realised that my painful memories really DO get clogged up in my head. Memories as far back as standard... 5 I think it was. Or was it standard 4.

I had seen some name cards being passed around in class. I liked the idea, so I decided to make some of my own myself. I got my mom to print out my name, address and telephone number on some hard cardboard, cut them up into namecard size, and stamped this MickeyMouse stamp with my name on it on every card. Then I passed them around in class, especially gave a nice one to a girl that I kinda liked.

Then a short while later, the girl with her group of girls (they were all top-scorers in the class, I was one of the two only guys to compete with them, there were about 5 of them) came over to my seat. One of the group had gathered up the cards I gave them, and tore them up in front of me.

...

I remember the resentment I felt in my heart at that time. The girl whom I liked didn't look like she approved of the action much, but this was primary school where peer pressure was everything. I started to really hate that girl who tore up my cards. She had laughed too. Along with another two of the girls, before walking back to their seats.

I didn't understand it. I gave those cards cuz... Well who knows why. I guess I considered them my friends, even though we were always competing for the best marks in class. Then they did that.

And that incident is still in my head. The girl who tore them up is now in Australia. We had some kind of dislike for each other, and I still do. She's always really stuck up and bossy. From the start till the end. Problem is, she was one of my youth church leaders. How she got there, only God knows. And all her other friend leaders too.

Then I remembered a time when I was in my church choir.

Someone spilt a lot of water on the floor. That day, I had brought a bunch of fliers for my first performance with The Canticle Singers. I went out to get some tissues from the washroom.

When I came back, I found my stack of fliers on the puddle, being used to 'dry up' the water.

Even if whoever did it didn't mean it, that was a direct insult to me. And the choir. It's OBVIOUS that paper wouldn't absorb that well, that's why I went to get tissue from the toilet. Why in stupidity's name did he do it?

I was pissed off that day. And disappointed. Horribly disappointed.

Then a whole bunch of memories started to resurface. I had to immediately block my thoughts or I would've started to get really pissed off.

Bah.

Compartmentalizing was it? I had been keeping all those painful memories in myself. I couldn't let go of them. I felt they weren't fair. Why did people have to be such complete idiots and do hurtful things? Why couldn't they be nice? Why couldn't they do nice things instead of doing such horrible things?

Why couldn't they move for the better of mankind, instead of making things worse for people? Is it really that nice to make people feel horrible? You bastards.

You're the reason why Earth is such a horrible place to live in. Your kind are the reason why wars happen.

blah.

I need a psychologist. Or a psychiatrist. Or a witch doctor. which doctor? (hint: pronounce say Witch Doctor out loud, then say Which Doctor out loud).

Either ways... I hope you're alright, Sylkis. He will never abandon you, so look to Him for strength. Even though me saying this is pretty stupid.

God

The endorphins produced from an early workout today weren't enough to keep me in a joyful mood for long. I still feel a little better about myself though. My abdomen hurtz badly now though.

Oh yeah, and take care of Sylkis. I know You will.

God bless Ivan, Jun, Jas, Ben, and Sylkis. Oh yeah, and Yuna too, she's kinda cute. But she doesn't exist, so nvm. Rin's good too. :)

And bless my blogreaders too. Especially Viv. I know she reads this from time to time. :)

Good day.