Mistakes I Made B4 That I Seem To Make Over And Over Again...
Approximately 5 months ago, I got into a relationship with the most beautiful girl of my dreams. She may not have had the looks of Miss Universe, but she IS cute and petite (I like that -.-), has a beautiful heart and most of all, was a devoted Christian. You have no idea how much that all mean to me.
We got together during a movie in teh NOKIA Starlight Cinema during the event. Her sister, a close friend of mine had brought her along when she invited me to go (she had free tickets). I didn't wish for a relationship with anyone during then, I had gone for 1 year without one and was struggling to control my sanity, but I was still sane to say the least. Still, without many words or actions, we got together 'understandingly', without me saying anything during that night when her sister sent me back home, we were already cuddling each other a little in the abck seat. It was like... Nothing I ever felt before...
We were together for almost 2 months (shortest in my history, the ex-shortest was 1 year -.-). during that time, we got to know each other very well indeed, much more than I did with my previous relationship partners. We hung out with each other often, SMSed each other like we never had a handphone before, called to kingdom come and many more silly stuff we did. Her house is in Bangsar (rich place), but she was then staying at Puchong, somewhere near my place (abt 15 minutes drice). We visited each other often enough, we officially got together on the 25th of July as boyfriend/girlfriend.
The reason for her to be staying in Puchong was because she was attending a course called the DTS (Discipleship Training School), a Christian course to give people the basics for mision trips organized by YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She made me promise that no matter what, I'll go for the course after my studies, which I DID promise...
Enough about describing. Let's get to why I'm talking about all this. The reason I find that this relationship has impavted my life so much, is because we didn't live out our short relationship based on our own rules and matter, it was based on God. We did our best to live out a Christian relationship (though it WAS against the DTS rules to have a relationship during the course). We shared with each other our visions, we prayed to God together on a more healthy basis than I ever did before, we tried our best not to break His rules for us (though we DID break some i the end... =P). But most of all, we made decisions together, we shared blames together. If ever either one of us was in trouble of any kind, we would share the blame, take it on both of us and not one-sided as most people do. It was... Bliss to be with her in this relationship... During that short period of time, I was closer to God and to her than any other time in my entire life, whter in other relationships or not. She was the girl I felt the most for in all my relationships (which to count, were 3 before her).
You must understand, we didn't just share our thoughts, we could feel each other's feelings far off without saying anything. One time I was having some problems in college and the next minute, an SMS comes into my phone from her asking me what's wrong cuz she felt that there was something wrong on my side of the world. I was stunned, shocked, frightened even. But I soon got used to it as I too began to feel her worries and troubles. It was... Almost magical, to feel such a thing, to have such intimate relationship with someone to the point where you can literally feel your partner's sorrow and anguish... During our time together, we had never fought nor come to anything close to that. Sure we had misunderstandings, but we settled them in an instant, cuz if there's anyone to blame, it's both of us. One side for making the mistake, the other side for not being open enough to understand the mistake and help correct it or guide through it. Not only that, but it was because of her I slowly began to come back to Christianity. I had lost faith and trust in my youth church pastor for several reasons, partially related to my last relationship. I was losing faith in God, I was backsliding... But when she came into my life, she helped me back on my feet and helped me find back the light in which I had once been in before... Truly, she was God-sent...
You'd think such a blissfull relationship would last forever, or even if it DID end, it would end in peace. Not quite true. When she had to board a flight to complete the last part of her course, she was confronted by her course leaders. She had to choose either to leave me and continue seeking God, or to stay behind with me and stop the course right there... She didn't have much of a choice... Seeking God is a Christian's first priority, and putting it that way, the leaders didn't give her much of an option... I only found out a week after they had landed at the designated site. I was... Crestfallen that we had to break up against our true will, but I understood her actions and we decided that there and then, we would officially braek up for the right reasons...
It hurt. So painful did it hurt that I began to backslide all over again... I tried to pick myself up, but somehow, something was pulling me back, making me resist helping myself up... I prayed every day and every night for her safety in the place she was (which by name was in some parts of the jungle in Sabah, East Malaysia). I held on, waiting for the day she would return and we would be allowed to talk once more.
On the day of her return however, things didn't go right again... Her sister (whom had become my 'pet sister'), had gotten irritated of me asking her when HM (I'll refer to her as HM from now on, and her sister as PS) would be back... She said she felt like she was being used by me to get to HM, since her mother didn't exactly approve of any of HM's relationships anyway... So there and then, PS stopped talking to me altogether, which was also my own fault because I sent her the SMS that if she wished it that way, I would stop talking and messaging her altogether... When she didn't answer me, I took it that it was a yes... So we cut off contact there and then... Another person whom I can't talk to for the rest of my life... It was horrible doing such a thing... I felt so... Sick of myself...
Anyway when HM returned, we messaged each other for quite some time. I asked her if she would accept me if I really asked her to be my girlfriend once more. She said no... She said she couldn't handle the devotion yet because of the number of guys chasing her and stuff, it was hard for her to stay devoted to me... I... Felt... Hurt, and yet... Relieved at the same time as I had promised to God before her return, that until He showed me the right person and said it is time, I would do my best not to get into another relationship... So I was relieved... We msged each other for some time more... Though after she told me she had just met her ex-boyfriend D (Di's his name, get it -.-) in a complex, mer messages started getting colder and colder towards me...
I tried to brush them aside... I took it as she was just trying not to make the SMSes sound so... close so as not to make any suggestions that she wanted toget back with me... That was when I found out one fine morning when she totally told me to keep quite, that she was with her ex - D... I was not only shocked, but heart-broken... She had said it like a promise that she wouldn't get into another relationship... Even during her stay in Sabah, she had said that when she gets home, she wouldn't get into a relationship cuz she wanted to 'respect the higher authority' which was her mom, not allowing her to be in relationships. And there and then in an irritated mode, she SMSed me that she was " Whatever, I'm going back to sleep N for your info I'm with D"... It was... Well... As if she purposely cheated on me to get back with Dan with nice words so it wouldn't hurt my feelings... Although I don't take it that way...
Well, I accepted the fact and continued SMSing her... From that day onwards, her SMSes had become colder by the day... Until one day when she was telling me about a problem she was facing, it suddenly turned around and she was getting irritated with the way I was handling the situations in my life... Soon, her boyfriend suddenly messages me saying that he's telling me for her that she doesn't like the way I'm sending her flirting SMSes... I was... Shocked to get that... Cuz in my relationship with her though she DID receive plenty of disturbing messages and calls from a black guy who was plainly hitting on her AND USING THE NAME OF GOD IN VAIN (He said that she and him were meant to be together, she could ask God about that, how idiotic can that be?), I NEVER EVER intervened by sending him my thoughts about him. the only I ever did was pick up his call on her phone and leave it haning because she was getting sick and tired of his calls (he was doing it non-stop). THAT WAS ALL. And here comes her BF, tellng me this... I... I just explained to him that I was in no means at all flirting with her, rest assured... In a calm tone too...
Then all that came to the conclusion (sent by yours truly her BF) that they had just gotten off a conversation, she didn't know how to tell me and didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore, she wanted to stop all communication with me (thanks to me for putting that idea in his head. Again my stupid fault). I couldn't bear him interfering anymore, I went down the stairs and made a direct call to her HP. By the tone of her voice, she had no intention of breaking all communication... In my mind was already running the thought - he's influencing her decision on this... Obviously he doesn't want me talking to her in any way at all... *sigh* We came to the conclusion (or so I thought) that we would communicate for 2 more weeks, then we'll see how it goes.
The next day, I SMS her asking her about something, and she says (in a way) that's it, we're breaking off communication. I ask back why? What did I do? She says that we were not supposed to communicate for 2 weeks. Apparently I had misheard. She even told me in CAPS - She was lying to D because she's messaging me. DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT MAKES HER FEEL.
I was... Shocked at her outburst... She had never burst like this at me before, and this was the first... Not only did she not try to reason with herself that I had misheard, she just plain CAPS LOCKED at me... I was... I don't know how to explain it... It's just oo painfull...
Anyway, stupidly enough of me, I sent her back that I was sorry, but when she told me that she was with D after she had firmly said she didn't want another relationship with anyone, I had felt badly hurt too... Smart thing for me to say... The next thing I know, she's telling me to stay away from her and that she can't stand the way I took things any longer... All I ever asked of her after our breakup was for her to listen to my problems when I needed her... That was all I ever asked... For a friend to listen... For a Christian friend for that matter, to listen... But this is what I get... I listened to her problems even after she had gotten back with her ex and wanted to help her, but instead I get to lose all communication with her... I... I don't know... Maybe it's me... I'm probably to blame... I always am anyway...
So... yeah, that's it... Pretty long first blog huh... Well... Looks like I'm not supposed to talk to another 2 more people for my entire life... Not only is this bad for me, but also for my Christian life... I've made... 'Enemies' within my own belief and faith...
God... I'm sorry for making such horrible mistakes such as these o Lord... I don't think I can ever correct them now... It just seems so... Hopeless... All I ever asked from the friends closest to me was to listen to my problems and troubles... And yet, all these people whom I dare to trust to try to ask... Just seem to... Shun me from their lives... What do I always do wrong... God please help... I don't know who else to turn to... I've lost it...
We got together during a movie in teh NOKIA Starlight Cinema during the event. Her sister, a close friend of mine had brought her along when she invited me to go (she had free tickets). I didn't wish for a relationship with anyone during then, I had gone for 1 year without one and was struggling to control my sanity, but I was still sane to say the least. Still, without many words or actions, we got together 'understandingly', without me saying anything during that night when her sister sent me back home, we were already cuddling each other a little in the abck seat. It was like... Nothing I ever felt before...
We were together for almost 2 months (shortest in my history, the ex-shortest was 1 year -.-). during that time, we got to know each other very well indeed, much more than I did with my previous relationship partners. We hung out with each other often, SMSed each other like we never had a handphone before, called to kingdom come and many more silly stuff we did. Her house is in Bangsar (rich place), but she was then staying at Puchong, somewhere near my place (abt 15 minutes drice). We visited each other often enough, we officially got together on the 25th of July as boyfriend/girlfriend.
The reason for her to be staying in Puchong was because she was attending a course called the DTS (Discipleship Training School), a Christian course to give people the basics for mision trips organized by YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She made me promise that no matter what, I'll go for the course after my studies, which I DID promise...
Enough about describing. Let's get to why I'm talking about all this. The reason I find that this relationship has impavted my life so much, is because we didn't live out our short relationship based on our own rules and matter, it was based on God. We did our best to live out a Christian relationship (though it WAS against the DTS rules to have a relationship during the course). We shared with each other our visions, we prayed to God together on a more healthy basis than I ever did before, we tried our best not to break His rules for us (though we DID break some i the end... =P). But most of all, we made decisions together, we shared blames together. If ever either one of us was in trouble of any kind, we would share the blame, take it on both of us and not one-sided as most people do. It was... Bliss to be with her in this relationship... During that short period of time, I was closer to God and to her than any other time in my entire life, whter in other relationships or not. She was the girl I felt the most for in all my relationships (which to count, were 3 before her).
You must understand, we didn't just share our thoughts, we could feel each other's feelings far off without saying anything. One time I was having some problems in college and the next minute, an SMS comes into my phone from her asking me what's wrong cuz she felt that there was something wrong on my side of the world. I was stunned, shocked, frightened even. But I soon got used to it as I too began to feel her worries and troubles. It was... Almost magical, to feel such a thing, to have such intimate relationship with someone to the point where you can literally feel your partner's sorrow and anguish... During our time together, we had never fought nor come to anything close to that. Sure we had misunderstandings, but we settled them in an instant, cuz if there's anyone to blame, it's both of us. One side for making the mistake, the other side for not being open enough to understand the mistake and help correct it or guide through it. Not only that, but it was because of her I slowly began to come back to Christianity. I had lost faith and trust in my youth church pastor for several reasons, partially related to my last relationship. I was losing faith in God, I was backsliding... But when she came into my life, she helped me back on my feet and helped me find back the light in which I had once been in before... Truly, she was God-sent...
You'd think such a blissfull relationship would last forever, or even if it DID end, it would end in peace. Not quite true. When she had to board a flight to complete the last part of her course, she was confronted by her course leaders. She had to choose either to leave me and continue seeking God, or to stay behind with me and stop the course right there... She didn't have much of a choice... Seeking God is a Christian's first priority, and putting it that way, the leaders didn't give her much of an option... I only found out a week after they had landed at the designated site. I was... Crestfallen that we had to break up against our true will, but I understood her actions and we decided that there and then, we would officially braek up for the right reasons...
It hurt. So painful did it hurt that I began to backslide all over again... I tried to pick myself up, but somehow, something was pulling me back, making me resist helping myself up... I prayed every day and every night for her safety in the place she was (which by name was in some parts of the jungle in Sabah, East Malaysia). I held on, waiting for the day she would return and we would be allowed to talk once more.
On the day of her return however, things didn't go right again... Her sister (whom had become my 'pet sister'), had gotten irritated of me asking her when HM (I'll refer to her as HM from now on, and her sister as PS) would be back... She said she felt like she was being used by me to get to HM, since her mother didn't exactly approve of any of HM's relationships anyway... So there and then, PS stopped talking to me altogether, which was also my own fault because I sent her the SMS that if she wished it that way, I would stop talking and messaging her altogether... When she didn't answer me, I took it that it was a yes... So we cut off contact there and then... Another person whom I can't talk to for the rest of my life... It was horrible doing such a thing... I felt so... Sick of myself...
Anyway when HM returned, we messaged each other for quite some time. I asked her if she would accept me if I really asked her to be my girlfriend once more. She said no... She said she couldn't handle the devotion yet because of the number of guys chasing her and stuff, it was hard for her to stay devoted to me... I... Felt... Hurt, and yet... Relieved at the same time as I had promised to God before her return, that until He showed me the right person and said it is time, I would do my best not to get into another relationship... So I was relieved... We msged each other for some time more... Though after she told me she had just met her ex-boyfriend D (Di's his name, get it -.-) in a complex, mer messages started getting colder and colder towards me...
I tried to brush them aside... I took it as she was just trying not to make the SMSes sound so... close so as not to make any suggestions that she wanted toget back with me... That was when I found out one fine morning when she totally told me to keep quite, that she was with her ex - D... I was not only shocked, but heart-broken... She had said it like a promise that she wouldn't get into another relationship... Even during her stay in Sabah, she had said that when she gets home, she wouldn't get into a relationship cuz she wanted to 'respect the higher authority' which was her mom, not allowing her to be in relationships. And there and then in an irritated mode, she SMSed me that she was " Whatever, I'm going back to sleep N for your info I'm with D"... It was... Well... As if she purposely cheated on me to get back with Dan with nice words so it wouldn't hurt my feelings... Although I don't take it that way...
Well, I accepted the fact and continued SMSing her... From that day onwards, her SMSes had become colder by the day... Until one day when she was telling me about a problem she was facing, it suddenly turned around and she was getting irritated with the way I was handling the situations in my life... Soon, her boyfriend suddenly messages me saying that he's telling me for her that she doesn't like the way I'm sending her flirting SMSes... I was... Shocked to get that... Cuz in my relationship with her though she DID receive plenty of disturbing messages and calls from a black guy who was plainly hitting on her AND USING THE NAME OF GOD IN VAIN (He said that she and him were meant to be together, she could ask God about that, how idiotic can that be?), I NEVER EVER intervened by sending him my thoughts about him. the only I ever did was pick up his call on her phone and leave it haning because she was getting sick and tired of his calls (he was doing it non-stop). THAT WAS ALL. And here comes her BF, tellng me this... I... I just explained to him that I was in no means at all flirting with her, rest assured... In a calm tone too...
Then all that came to the conclusion (sent by yours truly her BF) that they had just gotten off a conversation, she didn't know how to tell me and didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore, she wanted to stop all communication with me (thanks to me for putting that idea in his head. Again my stupid fault). I couldn't bear him interfering anymore, I went down the stairs and made a direct call to her HP. By the tone of her voice, she had no intention of breaking all communication... In my mind was already running the thought - he's influencing her decision on this... Obviously he doesn't want me talking to her in any way at all... *sigh* We came to the conclusion (or so I thought) that we would communicate for 2 more weeks, then we'll see how it goes.
The next day, I SMS her asking her about something, and she says (in a way) that's it, we're breaking off communication. I ask back why? What did I do? She says that we were not supposed to communicate for 2 weeks. Apparently I had misheard. She even told me in CAPS - She was lying to D because she's messaging me. DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT MAKES HER FEEL.
I was... Shocked at her outburst... She had never burst like this at me before, and this was the first... Not only did she not try to reason with herself that I had misheard, she just plain CAPS LOCKED at me... I was... I don't know how to explain it... It's just oo painfull...
Anyway, stupidly enough of me, I sent her back that I was sorry, but when she told me that she was with D after she had firmly said she didn't want another relationship with anyone, I had felt badly hurt too... Smart thing for me to say... The next thing I know, she's telling me to stay away from her and that she can't stand the way I took things any longer... All I ever asked of her after our breakup was for her to listen to my problems when I needed her... That was all I ever asked... For a friend to listen... For a Christian friend for that matter, to listen... But this is what I get... I listened to her problems even after she had gotten back with her ex and wanted to help her, but instead I get to lose all communication with her... I... I don't know... Maybe it's me... I'm probably to blame... I always am anyway...
So... yeah, that's it... Pretty long first blog huh... Well... Looks like I'm not supposed to talk to another 2 more people for my entire life... Not only is this bad for me, but also for my Christian life... I've made... 'Enemies' within my own belief and faith...
God... I'm sorry for making such horrible mistakes such as these o Lord... I don't think I can ever correct them now... It just seems so... Hopeless... All I ever asked from the friends closest to me was to listen to my problems and troubles... And yet, all these people whom I dare to trust to try to ask... Just seem to... Shun me from their lives... What do I always do wrong... God please help... I don't know who else to turn to... I've lost it...
posted by Liil Masks at 9:49 am
1 Comments:
Brian, i have read your blog and i sure know how it feels. Must have been a really painful thing for u to accept but you know what the thing is, it isnt your fault man you have to stop taking the blame all to yourself and start fresh while looking at the other side of the story, no ones perfect and people do make mistakes so its alright
well it might be a bit too late for me to post this comment but just trying to help u man..you take care brian god bless
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