Kid - Teen - DELETED - Adulthood
Every normal human being wants to belong to something. Be it a social group, a comittee, a group of friends, humans just wish to belong. It's in a person's nature to want to belong.
Somehow, I never did belong to any group or social friends for that matter. Since primary school days till now, I've never belonged anywhere. The group of friends that I've hung out with or tried to hang out with are either too rough for me (as in they do the things I don't do, such as smoke, drink, drugs, bad-word-grammar-problems, you know) or after a certain short amount of time they just don't seem to find me as a visible person anymore... I'm just there to... Fill a chair, and that's it. I don't seem to have a purpose or a reason to be there... Just... To fill an empty space that could be filled by anyone and everyone else...
I used to be with this little group of friends that comprised of me a some of my classmates. There were only 5 of us, two of which smoked and 1 of them had things with drugs, though it was very mild. Slowly, our little group broke as the 3 others went off into other groups more suitable for their kind of environment. One of the 3 didn't have anything to do with the environment at all, just that she took rides from D (I'll refer to one of the girls, yes she's a girl, as D, n this girl I'm talking about rite now as L. The other who is a guy is I) to get to college.
So it was left with me and B (who's now my best friend in college). B got a girlfriend (C) and I got to know C's friends. Then I was in a little group again, with C's friends, B and C. After a long time, C's friends started mixing with my ex-girlfriend (I'll call her E) who never wanted to talk to me again. Obviously I couldn't follow. All that was left now was B and C sitting together, me usually alone, sometimes accompanied by SV (new good friend, she's a girl). So... Yeah... Sad isn't it...
I also tried mixing with a group of friends I found through an internet game called RO (Ragnarok Oline). At first, mixing with them was okay, 'cause at least one of them, a girl btw (I'll call her SK) would talk and chat with me... We had fun chatting with each other... There was no danger of our little friendly relationship going overboard as she had a boyfriend who was really good to her... But then... After some time... She didn't have any time to talk to me anymore, and pretty soon, totally ignored me... Only when I show up in her face and say hie will she acknowledge my existence... Other than that, well... She even missed seeing me when I quitely sat down next to her table in college and waited for her to go off so she would see me... She walked right past me and never even noticed me... *sigh*
Quite recently I've tried to hang out with the people in my church's Performing Arts Ministry (I'm in it). Some of them will usually go out for late night suppers, and I try to follow them. However, even at the practises itself I can't seem to fit in... Now only because most of them are older than I am, but also because... Well... We're just not of the same wavelength... The last time I went out with some of them, I got a whole long lecture about Christianity, what I should do and what I should be doing, what I shouldn't be doing, etc etc etc... I went out with them with the aim to just well... Get to know them a little more, talk, have fun, etc etc etc And here I am getting a full blown lecture on the things in my life that aren't right and what I'm supposed to do... I mean... I already know those things, the things which I don't, I accept, but 90% of what was being said were things I already knew and things I am trying to get hold of, making improvements, and so on... To top it off, I was told that until they see me cut my hair (I have hair down to my shoulders), I'll be regarded as a kid. The lectures they gave me were all from their adulthood times. What am I supposed to do??? Jump from my teenage life to an Adulthood life???
That's not the worst part. Everytime I want to (try to) spend time with my friends by going out etc etc, my mom just has something to pop down the list for me to do or not to do. Somehow, there is an 80% chance that when I'm talking with friends I haven't talked to for a long time on the net, or when I'm trying to console someone crying on the net or on the phone, or when I want to keep my days as free as possible so that I can go out with my friends when they make plans to go out for a day and have fun together... My mom will SOMEHOW give me something to do... The worst part about all this is that I oblige to do them. Though I show reluctantcy, I still oblige. And somehow, the message never gets across that I want more time to spend with my friends, which I have not been doing until this year. I've almost never gone out with friends in a social group before this until this year, where I've gone out more. Even then, it hasn't been a lot. The days hardly add up to a fortnight.
Answer me. Where is my young adult life going to? I've never been clubbing and don't really wish to (every good parent's dream for their good child). I don't usually drink unless given good wine (which college teen doesn't drink beer often or at least once in a month, you tell me. No don't point out the nerds and geeks, I'm not a nerd nor am I a geek. I KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN, just not given much of a chance to) or out of respect at weddings or birthdays etc. I don't complain much about clothes. I don't usually skip classes nor do I hang around shopping complexes looking at people. I don't do these sort of things that practically almost everyone else around me does. So when I want to hang out with my friends a little and just chat and talk or play games together, why is it that I must be deprived of that? Why is it that I can't talk late into the night with a friend whom I've not talked to in ages? Why is it that the urgency for me to try to console my friend and just be there for them in their time of need is not understood? Why is it that when I,ME, when I need someone to talk to and to just... Communicate with... To talk about and share my probelsm with someone... The need for me to do so is not understood by anyone. totally next to NO ONE AT ALL???
The only person who has promised to do so (and I really appreciate it, thank you so much, you cannot understand how much this means to me, though there are plenty of differences in our understandings and beliefs), is the girl I mentioned earlier by the code name of SV... She may not be the best student counsellor nor may she be anywhere near a perfect advisor, but she tries and she listens... Which is all I ever asked for... I still need more, someone with the same understandings and the same beliefs (basically, I'm Christian and she's not) to help guide me... She can help by listening to my problems and showing that she cares... That is to me the most wonderful thing in the world... To show a person that you care... But she cannot help me in my spiritual needs and problems... I just... Hope there is someone out there (Christian) who is like her... Of course I'd be delighted if she became a Christian too... But then still I'll be guiding her, she cannot yet, until she matures in Christ and in the spirit... Thank you once again SV for being there for me...
And so... Ends my long and sad little blog... My young adulthood is not starting off, and can very well continue to go missing for my entire life... I know that I've got some time to go before my young adult hood finishes... But everything starts with a small step, and time and tide waits for no man... It can end, or it can continue... What will I do...
God... I know I'm ranting and whining about my problems... I'm sorry, but I've got no one else to whine and rant to... No one else to talk to about them... Please listen to me and help me... Please make all this better... I beg of you God... Please...
Somehow, I never did belong to any group or social friends for that matter. Since primary school days till now, I've never belonged anywhere. The group of friends that I've hung out with or tried to hang out with are either too rough for me (as in they do the things I don't do, such as smoke, drink, drugs, bad-word-grammar-problems, you know) or after a certain short amount of time they just don't seem to find me as a visible person anymore... I'm just there to... Fill a chair, and that's it. I don't seem to have a purpose or a reason to be there... Just... To fill an empty space that could be filled by anyone and everyone else...
I used to be with this little group of friends that comprised of me a some of my classmates. There were only 5 of us, two of which smoked and 1 of them had things with drugs, though it was very mild. Slowly, our little group broke as the 3 others went off into other groups more suitable for their kind of environment. One of the 3 didn't have anything to do with the environment at all, just that she took rides from D (I'll refer to one of the girls, yes she's a girl, as D, n this girl I'm talking about rite now as L. The other who is a guy is I) to get to college.
So it was left with me and B (who's now my best friend in college). B got a girlfriend (C) and I got to know C's friends. Then I was in a little group again, with C's friends, B and C. After a long time, C's friends started mixing with my ex-girlfriend (I'll call her E) who never wanted to talk to me again. Obviously I couldn't follow. All that was left now was B and C sitting together, me usually alone, sometimes accompanied by SV (new good friend, she's a girl). So... Yeah... Sad isn't it...
I also tried mixing with a group of friends I found through an internet game called RO (Ragnarok Oline). At first, mixing with them was okay, 'cause at least one of them, a girl btw (I'll call her SK) would talk and chat with me... We had fun chatting with each other... There was no danger of our little friendly relationship going overboard as she had a boyfriend who was really good to her... But then... After some time... She didn't have any time to talk to me anymore, and pretty soon, totally ignored me... Only when I show up in her face and say hie will she acknowledge my existence... Other than that, well... She even missed seeing me when I quitely sat down next to her table in college and waited for her to go off so she would see me... She walked right past me and never even noticed me... *sigh*
Quite recently I've tried to hang out with the people in my church's Performing Arts Ministry (I'm in it). Some of them will usually go out for late night suppers, and I try to follow them. However, even at the practises itself I can't seem to fit in... Now only because most of them are older than I am, but also because... Well... We're just not of the same wavelength... The last time I went out with some of them, I got a whole long lecture about Christianity, what I should do and what I should be doing, what I shouldn't be doing, etc etc etc... I went out with them with the aim to just well... Get to know them a little more, talk, have fun, etc etc etc And here I am getting a full blown lecture on the things in my life that aren't right and what I'm supposed to do... I mean... I already know those things, the things which I don't, I accept, but 90% of what was being said were things I already knew and things I am trying to get hold of, making improvements, and so on... To top it off, I was told that until they see me cut my hair (I have hair down to my shoulders), I'll be regarded as a kid. The lectures they gave me were all from their adulthood times. What am I supposed to do??? Jump from my teenage life to an Adulthood life???
That's not the worst part. Everytime I want to (try to) spend time with my friends by going out etc etc, my mom just has something to pop down the list for me to do or not to do. Somehow, there is an 80% chance that when I'm talking with friends I haven't talked to for a long time on the net, or when I'm trying to console someone crying on the net or on the phone, or when I want to keep my days as free as possible so that I can go out with my friends when they make plans to go out for a day and have fun together... My mom will SOMEHOW give me something to do... The worst part about all this is that I oblige to do them. Though I show reluctantcy, I still oblige. And somehow, the message never gets across that I want more time to spend with my friends, which I have not been doing until this year. I've almost never gone out with friends in a social group before this until this year, where I've gone out more. Even then, it hasn't been a lot. The days hardly add up to a fortnight.
Answer me. Where is my young adult life going to? I've never been clubbing and don't really wish to (every good parent's dream for their good child). I don't usually drink unless given good wine (which college teen doesn't drink beer often or at least once in a month, you tell me. No don't point out the nerds and geeks, I'm not a nerd nor am I a geek. I KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN, just not given much of a chance to) or out of respect at weddings or birthdays etc. I don't complain much about clothes. I don't usually skip classes nor do I hang around shopping complexes looking at people. I don't do these sort of things that practically almost everyone else around me does. So when I want to hang out with my friends a little and just chat and talk or play games together, why is it that I must be deprived of that? Why is it that I can't talk late into the night with a friend whom I've not talked to in ages? Why is it that the urgency for me to try to console my friend and just be there for them in their time of need is not understood? Why is it that when I,ME, when I need someone to talk to and to just... Communicate with... To talk about and share my probelsm with someone... The need for me to do so is not understood by anyone. totally next to NO ONE AT ALL???
The only person who has promised to do so (and I really appreciate it, thank you so much, you cannot understand how much this means to me, though there are plenty of differences in our understandings and beliefs), is the girl I mentioned earlier by the code name of SV... She may not be the best student counsellor nor may she be anywhere near a perfect advisor, but she tries and she listens... Which is all I ever asked for... I still need more, someone with the same understandings and the same beliefs (basically, I'm Christian and she's not) to help guide me... She can help by listening to my problems and showing that she cares... That is to me the most wonderful thing in the world... To show a person that you care... But she cannot help me in my spiritual needs and problems... I just... Hope there is someone out there (Christian) who is like her... Of course I'd be delighted if she became a Christian too... But then still I'll be guiding her, she cannot yet, until she matures in Christ and in the spirit... Thank you once again SV for being there for me...
And so... Ends my long and sad little blog... My young adulthood is not starting off, and can very well continue to go missing for my entire life... I know that I've got some time to go before my young adult hood finishes... But everything starts with a small step, and time and tide waits for no man... It can end, or it can continue... What will I do...
God... I know I'm ranting and whining about my problems... I'm sorry, but I've got no one else to whine and rant to... No one else to talk to about them... Please listen to me and help me... Please make all this better... I beg of you God... Please...
posted by Liil Masks at 7:46 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home