Depression
This may not be the most depressing moment in my life as I've been through worse, but this little event itself has been very depressing...
As you already know, HM and I were talking again. Skipping some details, we were... Yeah, talking again.
Yesterday at 10pm, I fell asleep on my bed (with the lights on).
At sharp 12, I woke up and couldn't sleep. I had woken up a few times before, wondering why I woke up. This time, I couldn't sleep again, so I decided to sneak down to go on the net (and uh... yeah, play games :P)
After some time of games, HM messaged me on ICQ.
We chatted for some time, catching up on things, untill this happened.
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:30
From : HM
gee, im in MV..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
MV?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
From : HM
midvalley...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Mid valley has a CC?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
From : HM
ya!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And what are you doing at midvalley???
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
U guys staying there for the night or something?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
From : HM
at the cc...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
From : HM
no la..until sometime later..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
u walked to mv from ur house
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
ok ur getting me real confused
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
From : HM
i was just bein sarcastic..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
From : HM
of course i got a ride here..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
To : Bound BrokenTorn
...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:38
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'b#ve got nothing to say
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:38
From : HM
y do u some how alwiz piss me off everytime we talk..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I don't know. Somehow, I get the feeling I don't know you anymore
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You're... Different
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
From : HM
in wat sense?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
very much diferent than the Huay Ming I used to know
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Who wanted to 'submit to authority'
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
more rebellious, more hot-tempered, more disobedient..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
More than that
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
i had to at tat time..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : Goh Huay Ming
then?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You wanted to submit to your 'mother's' authority
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
i do..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
which although displeased me by means of not letting me continue having a relationship with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Made me glad that you wanted to at least, try to be a good daughter
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : HM
im sorry..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You were the role-model Christian whom I looked up to
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
But now...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : Goh Huay Ming
its totally diff..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Everything's changed so much in you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : HM
i just more independent u know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I can fairly guess why, I guess I'm also to blame
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
y?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Being hot tempered, disobedient and etc is being independant?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
To : Bound BrokenTorn
If that's the case I'd rather you not be independant
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
no..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
look, im just goin thru a lot of struggles..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
its just tat..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You weren't like this before, even with the struggles
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
im sorry..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You of all people should be able to see that
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Even far away sitting in my own house at my comp, havng not seen you for so long
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I can feel how much you've changed
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
ive kinda gone back to my old ways..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Just by talking to you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
From : HM
i duno..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What happened to obeying God's word and commandments?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What happened to listening to God talk everyday?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*every day
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
dats wat i do..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
but this has got nothin to do w bein in cc..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You listen but you don't obey?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
no!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It's got lots to do with it
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
no!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You know your mom would kill you if she found out
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
From : HM
she wud even kill me if i was usin the pc at home at this hour..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You know that a CC this late into the night is a very dangerous place, regardless where it is or
who is with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
So?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Listening but not obeying?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What did He say when you wanted to go to the CC?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Did He say "go go, it's alright"
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Or did he say "stay at home, go to sleep, don't go"?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*He
(Lines deleted due to certain vulgarity)
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I know I'm not supposed to
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I've dumped a lot of it down the drain
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
do i hav to ask him..Oh God, can i go to cc?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
its my own free will..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
As it is
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
God doesn't stop you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It Is your freewill
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
then leave it this way..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
i know...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
God does stop me..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It's whether it's good for you or not, that's what makes the difference
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
"all things are permissable, not all things are beneficial"
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
Brian..stop bein a holy cow!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'm not being a holy cow
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
haha not cow .. Joe*
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
or maybe a holy Brian?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'm trying to make you see what you've become
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I want to be holy
(More lines deleted. Basically I just said I'm going off)
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
fast !! >.<>.< hahahhaah
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
To : Bound BrokenTorn
May God be with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
aiyo..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
same too u ..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
ur such a darn coward!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
walking away from a fight is not being a coward
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
it's being smart D
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
From : HM
no..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And using harsh words doesn't prove you to be a man either
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
From : HM
its me, HM..whos sayin ur such a darn coward.
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
ur a big huge fake!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Look at what you're saying
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
haha wat words i did use n00b ?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Did you ever say this when you were still living in Pichong
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*puchong
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
not walking from fight ..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And HM doesn't use n00b, D
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
just talk on face.. ^_^ i use
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : HM
aiyo tat why i say call up better so u noe who talking
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And HM's english isn't that bad
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : Goh Huay Ming
wahahahah
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : Goh Huay Ming
^_^ agree
___________________________________________________________________
So you see? From the gentle, kind, ever loving and God-fearing girl whom I used to know, care for and love ever so much, she's turned into a rebellious, hot-tempered disobedient... Girl... (i can't say it).
Why? There may be lots of reasons behind it... But to me, I believe that the first mistake to starting all this was to get back with her ex - D... I don't hold anything against him. It's just that... Well, it's in the other blog.
I... I don't know what to make of it... It's also my fault on the part where I'm supposed to be praying dilligently for her every night... I've slacked a lot recently in my prayer time... I feel so bad...
God... I've said this many time before, and I'm saying it again... I don't know what to do anymore... I used to be able to think, analyze, understand and work out a path to clear situations that seem to blockade my life... Now... I just can't anymore... I'm helpless to do anything... Oh God, please help her... Bring her back... I'll give up anything besides you... Just... Make her who she used to be... Please...
As you already know, HM and I were talking again. Skipping some details, we were... Yeah, talking again.
Yesterday at 10pm, I fell asleep on my bed (with the lights on).
At sharp 12, I woke up and couldn't sleep. I had woken up a few times before, wondering why I woke up. This time, I couldn't sleep again, so I decided to sneak down to go on the net (and uh... yeah, play games :P)
After some time of games, HM messaged me on ICQ.
We chatted for some time, catching up on things, untill this happened.
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:30
From : HM
gee, im in MV..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
MV?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
From : HM
midvalley...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Mid valley has a CC?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
From : HM
ya!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:31
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And what are you doing at midvalley???
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
U guys staying there for the night or something?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
From : HM
at the cc...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
From : HM
no la..until sometime later..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
u walked to mv from ur house
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:32
To : Bound BrokenTorn
ok ur getting me real confused
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
From : HM
i was just bein sarcastic..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
From : HM
of course i got a ride here..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:33
To : Bound BrokenTorn
...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:38
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'b#ve got nothing to say
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:38
From : HM
y do u some how alwiz piss me off everytime we talk..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I don't know. Somehow, I get the feeling I don't know you anymore
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You're... Different
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
From : HM
in wat sense?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
very much diferent than the Huay Ming I used to know
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:39
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Who wanted to 'submit to authority'
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
more rebellious, more hot-tempered, more disobedient..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
More than that
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
i had to at tat time..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : Goh Huay Ming
then?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You wanted to submit to your 'mother's' authority
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
From : HM
i do..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:40
To : Bound BrokenTorn
which although displeased me by means of not letting me continue having a relationship with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Made me glad that you wanted to at least, try to be a good daughter
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : HM
im sorry..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You were the role-model Christian whom I looked up to
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
But now...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : Goh Huay Ming
its totally diff..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Everything's changed so much in you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
From : HM
i just more independent u know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:41
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I can fairly guess why, I guess I'm also to blame
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
y?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Being hot tempered, disobedient and etc is being independant?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
To : Bound BrokenTorn
If that's the case I'd rather you not be independant
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
no..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
look, im just goin thru a lot of struggles..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:42
From : HM
its just tat..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You weren't like this before, even with the struggles
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
im sorry..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You of all people should be able to see that
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Even far away sitting in my own house at my comp, havng not seen you for so long
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I can feel how much you've changed
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:43
From : HM
ive kinda gone back to my old ways..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Just by talking to you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
From : HM
i duno..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What happened to obeying God's word and commandments?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:44
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What happened to listening to God talk everyday?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*every day
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
dats wat i do..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
but this has got nothin to do w bein in cc..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You listen but you don't obey?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
no!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It's got lots to do with it
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
no!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You know your mom would kill you if she found out
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:45
From : HM
i know..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
From : HM
she wud even kill me if i was usin the pc at home at this hour..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
You know that a CC this late into the night is a very dangerous place, regardless where it is or
who is with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
So?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:46
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Listening but not obeying?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
What did He say when you wanted to go to the CC?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Did He say "go go, it's alright"
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Or did he say "stay at home, go to sleep, don't go"?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*He
(Lines deleted due to certain vulgarity)
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:47
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I know I'm not supposed to
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I've dumped a lot of it down the drain
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
do i hav to ask him..Oh God, can i go to cc?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
its my own free will..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
As it is
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
God doesn't stop you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It Is your freewill
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
then leave it this way..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
i know...
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
From : HM
God does stop me..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:48
To : Bound BrokenTorn
It's whether it's good for you or not, that's what makes the difference
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
"all things are permissable, not all things are beneficial"
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
Brian..stop bein a holy cow!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'm not being a holy cow
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
haha not cow .. Joe*
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
From : HM
or maybe a holy Brian?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I'm trying to make you see what you've become
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:49
To : Bound BrokenTorn
I want to be holy
(More lines deleted. Basically I just said I'm going off)
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
fast !! >.<>.< hahahhaah
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
To : Bound BrokenTorn
May God be with you
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
aiyo..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
same too u ..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 03:59
From : HM
ur such a darn coward!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
walking away from a fight is not being a coward
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
it's being smart D
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
From : HM
no..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And using harsh words doesn't prove you to be a man either
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:00
From : HM
its me, HM..whos sayin ur such a darn coward.
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
ur a big huge fake!
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Look at what you're saying
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
haha wat words i did use n00b ?
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
Did you ever say this when you were still living in Pichong
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
*puchong
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
not walking from fight ..
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And HM doesn't use n00b, D
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:01
From : HM
just talk on face.. ^_^ i use
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : HM
aiyo tat why i say call up better so u noe who talking
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
To : Bound BrokenTorn
And HM's english isn't that bad
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : Goh Huay Ming
wahahahah
Date : 17/12/2004 Time : 04:02
From : Goh Huay Ming
^_^ agree
___________________________________________________________________
So you see? From the gentle, kind, ever loving and God-fearing girl whom I used to know, care for and love ever so much, she's turned into a rebellious, hot-tempered disobedient... Girl... (i can't say it).
Why? There may be lots of reasons behind it... But to me, I believe that the first mistake to starting all this was to get back with her ex - D... I don't hold anything against him. It's just that... Well, it's in the other blog.
I... I don't know what to make of it... It's also my fault on the part where I'm supposed to be praying dilligently for her every night... I've slacked a lot recently in my prayer time... I feel so bad...
God... I've said this many time before, and I'm saying it again... I don't know what to do anymore... I used to be able to think, analyze, understand and work out a path to clear situations that seem to blockade my life... Now... I just can't anymore... I'm helpless to do anything... Oh God, please help her... Bring her back... I'll give up anything besides you... Just... Make her who she used to be... Please...
posted by Liil Masks at 1:04 pm
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