Lost... Helpless...
Have you ever seen those movies or cartoons where people just sacrifice everything just to keep the person they love happy, even if that means keeping their sicknesses and pain a secret?
Have you ever though to yourself then - is that actually possible? For a person to love another person so much that he/she would sacrifice his/her own happiness for the sake of another, keeping all their own anguish, hurt and sorrow a secret, just so that their loved one would be happy?
My opinion... Is that it is somehow impossible... To a certain degree, yes it would be possible, but at a certain point where the person cannot take it any longer, he/she will break...
I feel that I was given more patience and tolerance than most people... Yet... I feel that I was also born with the uncanny ability to think more than I should... That itself puts me into a state of 'emotional unstability'... Which where both situationos co-react with each other producing a certain harmony where I can take insults and criticisms and emotional pain more than other people...
With the main problem that I keep rethinking about them, making them worse... Thus working the part of my unstable emotions, thinking too much about everything and making the whole problem worse than it seems... Though in some ways it's actually very usefull because you get to see the worse before it comes and can be prepared for it... It still affects your overal character and emotions really badly...
Well... The reason for me writing this entry of my blog is because... Well, I recently got up with another girl (I'll call her M) and well... Things were going pretty well... Untill I found out that she lies to her mom adn friends frequently, irritates her mom a lot by going home late into the night (up to 12am) and with her mom having to stay up to let her in even though she has work tomorrow (with her needing to wake up at 6am)...
That was when I decided to help her mom... Her mother is suffering from cancer and her father is retired, with her mom being the only one working...
She also has a childhood friend who apparently went through some trauma when she was young as her maid tried to kill her... From that day on her parents gave her freedom, told her teachers not to bother her and let her do what she wants... This friend of hers would skip school... Do everything to break the rules and well... Not exactly your friendly normal school girl...
Either ways... I feel that because she has been with her (I'll refer to her friend as SM) since childhood... She has been greatly influenced by her 'freedom'... Because of that... Somehow I feel that she takes her parents for granted...
And the fact that she lies often... Well... I for one do not know when to trust her and when to not... I hate that feeling because... I believe that we should trust each other and not lie to each other or keep any secrets... I've been doing my part in not telling lies and not keeping secrets...
*sigh* But somehow even though she gives her reasons for things like not telling me where she's going, and when I call she says she just got there and was trying to look for her friends to inform me... I still feel that it has been too many times and she just isn't making the effort to tell me... Does she really... Care about me enough to not let me worry of her whereabouts...?
And recently she didn't answer my calls... Though I called her plenty of times, she wouldn't answer... The first time was because I had said something really bad about a friend and some things got complicated... I admit that was my fault... I finally managed to contact her and even then she wouldn't tell me much... Because she had stayed out of her house for so long without contacting her mom at all, her mom just told her to not come home... After almost a week, I managed to get her to go home and I managed to repair the damage that was done... Things were alright...
Just early this week... She wouldn't answer my calls either... When I finally found out where she went, she wouldn't want talk to me either... Later when she finally answered my call... She said that she didn't like what I said to her a few days back (which was a friday, I think, or a saturday) and that she didn't like people nagging at her... Well, from the way I see it our mothers all nag at us all the time, whether we like it or not... Why couldn't she stand that? My conclusion was that she was way too influenced by SM's freedom that she couldn't understand why her mother has to nag at her... Either ways, she didn't talk to me for a day before that... Which just simply tore me apart...
Now just yesterday, she apparently slipped out of the house before her mom got back... She had made an agreement with her mom that she would only go out 3 times a week, since she had been going out too much lately... From what I believe, she agreed... From what her mom told me, she had used up all 3 times already, 1 on monday, 1 on tuesday and 1 on thursday... Then yesterday (friday) I'm guessing that she asked her mom to let her out, because I asked if she could come over for the day... Her mom just said no. Then later today, we were supposed to go out together with two other people for some arcade games and cyber cafe later in the night... I had told her from the start to keep the day free and remember that we're all booked... I guess it didn't occur to her that obeying the rules of her mom implied as well... Her mom told me that she knew of our plans today, but she explained everything and said that if M came home and asked permission she would still say no... Her mom said herself that she doesn't mind M hanging out with me (from what I think, because she believes that I'm a good influence to her), but because of what has happened and her 3 time used up, she isn't allowed to... I understood that...
But now... M won't answer my calls... From what I gather, her friend SM who brought her out to Mid Valley (a huge megamall) is probably mad at me for saying some things... So now SM won't answer my calls either... And her other friend (I'll call him W) 's phone batteries were dead... There was no way I could contact her... Yet again, she wouldn't talk to me...
Aren't couples supposed to tell each other everything? From their own personal problems to problems between them... Aren't couples supposed to share everything and find a solution to all their problems together...? I believed that it is possible for such intimacy and such bonding in relationships to exist after my experience with HM... Yet... Why isn't this working out...? I've gone out of my own way and worried my head off besides getting my phone bill above the acceptable limit and using up my cash just so that she would mature and understand that responsibilities and rules have to be followed and obeyed...
I'm tired... Yet I don't want to give up... I can say for myself that I love her and want to help her as much as I can... But with SM influencing her greatly... With herself not wanting to receive my help... With her giving me all the emotional pain I can't handle by ignoring my calls... What can I... Do...?
What I can do is follow the ways of the world of fantasy... Behave out of the human behaviour and love her till no end, sacrificing my own happiness and joy for her sake... Keeping the pain and hurt, sorrow and depression a secret to myself so that she may not worry about me...
Though it is against my rule as a couple to share all joys and pains together... I guess I'm going to break the rules as well...
I dont' know where I'm going to find the strength to go on living as a fantasy... But I will try untill I break... I will try untill I'm disfunctional... I will try untill... Untill the dreaded world of Bound, Broken and Torn comes back and haunts me till the end of all my days here on earth...
Whether she, M, would notice or not would not matter too greatly... She would become a better person... One who is responsible, mature, understands what her mother is doing for her, considerate of her mother to the extreme... And a loving, caring Christian...
God... What shalt be Thy words upon these lamentations of thy ungrateful, worthless servant and creation of Thee...?
Have you ever though to yourself then - is that actually possible? For a person to love another person so much that he/she would sacrifice his/her own happiness for the sake of another, keeping all their own anguish, hurt and sorrow a secret, just so that their loved one would be happy?
My opinion... Is that it is somehow impossible... To a certain degree, yes it would be possible, but at a certain point where the person cannot take it any longer, he/she will break...
I feel that I was given more patience and tolerance than most people... Yet... I feel that I was also born with the uncanny ability to think more than I should... That itself puts me into a state of 'emotional unstability'... Which where both situationos co-react with each other producing a certain harmony where I can take insults and criticisms and emotional pain more than other people...
With the main problem that I keep rethinking about them, making them worse... Thus working the part of my unstable emotions, thinking too much about everything and making the whole problem worse than it seems... Though in some ways it's actually very usefull because you get to see the worse before it comes and can be prepared for it... It still affects your overal character and emotions really badly...
Well... The reason for me writing this entry of my blog is because... Well, I recently got up with another girl (I'll call her M) and well... Things were going pretty well... Untill I found out that she lies to her mom adn friends frequently, irritates her mom a lot by going home late into the night (up to 12am) and with her mom having to stay up to let her in even though she has work tomorrow (with her needing to wake up at 6am)...
That was when I decided to help her mom... Her mother is suffering from cancer and her father is retired, with her mom being the only one working...
She also has a childhood friend who apparently went through some trauma when she was young as her maid tried to kill her... From that day on her parents gave her freedom, told her teachers not to bother her and let her do what she wants... This friend of hers would skip school... Do everything to break the rules and well... Not exactly your friendly normal school girl...
Either ways... I feel that because she has been with her (I'll refer to her friend as SM) since childhood... She has been greatly influenced by her 'freedom'... Because of that... Somehow I feel that she takes her parents for granted...
And the fact that she lies often... Well... I for one do not know when to trust her and when to not... I hate that feeling because... I believe that we should trust each other and not lie to each other or keep any secrets... I've been doing my part in not telling lies and not keeping secrets...
*sigh* But somehow even though she gives her reasons for things like not telling me where she's going, and when I call she says she just got there and was trying to look for her friends to inform me... I still feel that it has been too many times and she just isn't making the effort to tell me... Does she really... Care about me enough to not let me worry of her whereabouts...?
And recently she didn't answer my calls... Though I called her plenty of times, she wouldn't answer... The first time was because I had said something really bad about a friend and some things got complicated... I admit that was my fault... I finally managed to contact her and even then she wouldn't tell me much... Because she had stayed out of her house for so long without contacting her mom at all, her mom just told her to not come home... After almost a week, I managed to get her to go home and I managed to repair the damage that was done... Things were alright...
Just early this week... She wouldn't answer my calls either... When I finally found out where she went, she wouldn't want talk to me either... Later when she finally answered my call... She said that she didn't like what I said to her a few days back (which was a friday, I think, or a saturday) and that she didn't like people nagging at her... Well, from the way I see it our mothers all nag at us all the time, whether we like it or not... Why couldn't she stand that? My conclusion was that she was way too influenced by SM's freedom that she couldn't understand why her mother has to nag at her... Either ways, she didn't talk to me for a day before that... Which just simply tore me apart...
Now just yesterday, she apparently slipped out of the house before her mom got back... She had made an agreement with her mom that she would only go out 3 times a week, since she had been going out too much lately... From what I believe, she agreed... From what her mom told me, she had used up all 3 times already, 1 on monday, 1 on tuesday and 1 on thursday... Then yesterday (friday) I'm guessing that she asked her mom to let her out, because I asked if she could come over for the day... Her mom just said no. Then later today, we were supposed to go out together with two other people for some arcade games and cyber cafe later in the night... I had told her from the start to keep the day free and remember that we're all booked... I guess it didn't occur to her that obeying the rules of her mom implied as well... Her mom told me that she knew of our plans today, but she explained everything and said that if M came home and asked permission she would still say no... Her mom said herself that she doesn't mind M hanging out with me (from what I think, because she believes that I'm a good influence to her), but because of what has happened and her 3 time used up, she isn't allowed to... I understood that...
But now... M won't answer my calls... From what I gather, her friend SM who brought her out to Mid Valley (a huge megamall) is probably mad at me for saying some things... So now SM won't answer my calls either... And her other friend (I'll call him W) 's phone batteries were dead... There was no way I could contact her... Yet again, she wouldn't talk to me...
Aren't couples supposed to tell each other everything? From their own personal problems to problems between them... Aren't couples supposed to share everything and find a solution to all their problems together...? I believed that it is possible for such intimacy and such bonding in relationships to exist after my experience with HM... Yet... Why isn't this working out...? I've gone out of my own way and worried my head off besides getting my phone bill above the acceptable limit and using up my cash just so that she would mature and understand that responsibilities and rules have to be followed and obeyed...
I'm tired... Yet I don't want to give up... I can say for myself that I love her and want to help her as much as I can... But with SM influencing her greatly... With herself not wanting to receive my help... With her giving me all the emotional pain I can't handle by ignoring my calls... What can I... Do...?
What I can do is follow the ways of the world of fantasy... Behave out of the human behaviour and love her till no end, sacrificing my own happiness and joy for her sake... Keeping the pain and hurt, sorrow and depression a secret to myself so that she may not worry about me...
Though it is against my rule as a couple to share all joys and pains together... I guess I'm going to break the rules as well...
I dont' know where I'm going to find the strength to go on living as a fantasy... But I will try untill I break... I will try untill I'm disfunctional... I will try untill... Untill the dreaded world of Bound, Broken and Torn comes back and haunts me till the end of all my days here on earth...
Whether she, M, would notice or not would not matter too greatly... She would become a better person... One who is responsible, mature, understands what her mother is doing for her, considerate of her mother to the extreme... And a loving, caring Christian...
God... What shalt be Thy words upon these lamentations of thy ungrateful, worthless servant and creation of Thee...?
posted by Liil Masks at 9:03 am
1 Comments:
very nice sentimental writing. i like this piece.
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