Checklist to a Hopeful Future.

I've been a horribly irresponsible person today.

I missed a choir practice (I entirely forgot), I overslept so I missed GDOP as well (that AND the choir practice were missed because I overslept).

I... Was not a good Christian. To God, and to myself.

I don't know how to describe the guilt I feel. I really really hope someone would cheer me up right now.

But it was all my fault. It was my fault I overslept. It was my fault I missed everything. I didn't even get to send my car to the garage to check what was wrong. I messed up the entire day.

I'm horrible.

If one is at fault, does one deserve to be cheered up...?

From my experiences... I've only been nagged even more when I'm at fault.

I guess even if one should be cheered up, when it's one's fault reality says you're not eligible.


Guilt and depression. And yes, it's entirely my fault.


Anyway, I'm getting baptised.

Finally? Ahaha. I still don't feel that I'm ready though. There are so many things that I know I need to give up, but am not ready to.

And so many things I need to do, before I feel that I'm ready.

- Improve relationship with Him aka more quiet time. I can't put a minimum time on this; it should be flexible. Right? After all, you don't talk to a person for a set 1 hour, before moving onto next item on the list.

- Improve relationship with him. Aka treating him as a person, rather than an object of hate. I realise that the more I hate him, the more bitter I get. And the more bitter I get, the more I feel a sense of satisfaction when I see him fall because of his own stupidity. But all of this, IS evil, isn't it? As much as I don't want to, I must try.

- Improve relationship with Mom. From my own observation of myself and her, I seem to blame her for his presence. For all the misery that he's caused me, I seem to direct the blame to her. I've not been conscious about it, but after stepping back and recalling the words I used and the way I phrased my sentences... It seems so.

- Less game time, more talk time. Gaming takes up a bulk of my life now. Especially since I got back into DotA. I can see that at times it turns me into a monster. My 'reasoning' for not stopping this, is because it's close to the only tie I have with my gaming buddy as of now. I need God to intervene, because I really don't know how to handle this situation.

- Stop thinking about her. And her. I'm not ready, period. God will tell me when it's time. When He believes that I am of the right time and state of maturity in Mental and Spiritual, I believe He will tell me. Even if today's conversation served as a hint to me, it also still directly indicates that I'm not ready. I need to stop hoping for it to come sooner.

- Change my sentence structures, vocabulary and tone of sentences. I don't like the way she tells me off, but I'll bet it sounds horrible when I do it to others to, mainly my sister and mom. Who am I to talk to them like that? Even if stupid people remain stupid (not pointing at anyone here, just saying in general), am I not to be gracious to them, because that's what Jesus would do?


~~~~~~

I realised one thing though.

I'm... Not really a Christian.

A Christian is one who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ, accepts Jesus as Lord and Saviour, believes Jesus is the Son of God and in the Holy Trinity, LOVES the Lord God, and obeys His commandments.

Out of all that, I can only check 2 of the boxes. 3 more, I cannot say I do.

If I were to die today...

Yes I will go to heaven, because that's what the Bible teaches me.

Whether I believe and understand that or not, is a different story.


"Why should I let you into heaven?"

The correct answer, is "Because I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, and through Him, I have salvation."

But would I believe that and be convicted enough to say that?

I don't know...



~~~

God...

I've much to work on.

Please... Grant me the strength, wisdom, and perseverance to work this out.

Please... Be at my side, and teach me to work this out.

Please... Help me, guide me, and work this out with me, together.

Please.... I ask of You.

In Jesus's most precious name,

Amen.

P.S. Do bless SY. :)