It's Tora the Explorer!
My cousin's dog! An albino Pomeranian!
Cute, ain't he? xD His name's Tora. Tora the Explorer! xD
and my wet wet Arien whom I gave a bath
Wet wet sugar glider ahaha xD
Well... I'm literally out of cash now. I have to look for a job, I guess.
Thing is...
I don't know why. I've got a problem with it.
Everytime I start looking for a job via jobstreet... As I'm reading the requirements, the companies, the stuff...
I... get a surging gut feeling inside.
I get scared.
I have no idea why. But I get scared.
I start to feel the same feeling as when I'm about to cry. The uneasy stomach/gut feeling, then the change in temperature on the facial area... My heart starts beating irregularly... And if I don't control and hold back, I'd actually be crying.
I don't know why. I'm scared. Scared to hold a position and have a job.
Stop asking me why. I've told you before, loads and loads of times. I'm afraid. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Even if you ask me 101 times over, I still will give you the same answer; I DON'T KNOW WHY.
But you don't ever listen to my problems. Not anymore anyway.
Besides, I'm supposed to be old enough to take care of myself rite? Is that why you refuse to try to understand me, to try to help me with my psychological problems anymore? Is that why the only thing you can do is make me feel the horrendous guilt that I'm already facing so much? Is that why you've stopped being a ...... to me? Is that why you've stopped caring about me, about my interests, and about my life?
Is that why all you can EVER think of, when you see me, is "Have you gotten a job?"? Is that truly what's most important to you about me right now, that I have a job, regardless of my mental and emotional state?
Know why I refuse to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist? It's because I want you to understand me without needing someone else to write a prescription and a certificate to tell you that I have a problem. I'm right here, TELLING you that I have a problem, and the only problem you'll let your own eyes see is that I don't have a job.
And if you still won't understand me, then fine, I'll leave it at that. I'll live my life on my own, carry my own joys and burdens, and share them with my best girl/boyfriend who understands me for who I am: me.
Then again... Maybe that point has already passed. Maybe, deep down inside, I just have some stupid, naive, hopeful wish that you'll come to understand me and try to help me by NOT trying to grind me into your own set understanding. Maybe, somewhere, I'm just wishing on a star, that you'll open your mind and come to accept that I'm not the same as you, that I'm not like you, that I'm much different and have different types of problems; that I want you to understand those problems I have, and help me gently through them; and accept me for who I am, and not push me into the direction you want me to go.
Then again, I might as well jump up and down and yell 'fat hopes' (a term an uncle taught me). Cuz no matter how much I hope, no matter how much I wish, it's not gonna happen.
...
..
Fuck this.
Fuck the world.
Fuck life.
To hell with everything. I'm done trying to be patient.
Cute, ain't he? xD His name's Tora. Tora the Explorer! xDand my wet wet Arien whom I gave a bath
Wet wet sugar glider ahaha xD
Well... I'm literally out of cash now. I have to look for a job, I guess.
Thing is...
I don't know why. I've got a problem with it.
Everytime I start looking for a job via jobstreet... As I'm reading the requirements, the companies, the stuff...
I... get a surging gut feeling inside.
I get scared.
I have no idea why. But I get scared.
I start to feel the same feeling as when I'm about to cry. The uneasy stomach/gut feeling, then the change in temperature on the facial area... My heart starts beating irregularly... And if I don't control and hold back, I'd actually be crying.
I don't know why. I'm scared. Scared to hold a position and have a job.
Stop asking me why. I've told you before, loads and loads of times. I'm afraid. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Even if you ask me 101 times over, I still will give you the same answer; I DON'T KNOW WHY.
But you don't ever listen to my problems. Not anymore anyway.
Besides, I'm supposed to be old enough to take care of myself rite? Is that why you refuse to try to understand me, to try to help me with my psychological problems anymore? Is that why the only thing you can do is make me feel the horrendous guilt that I'm already facing so much? Is that why you've stopped being a ...... to me? Is that why you've stopped caring about me, about my interests, and about my life?
Is that why all you can EVER think of, when you see me, is "Have you gotten a job?"? Is that truly what's most important to you about me right now, that I have a job, regardless of my mental and emotional state?
Know why I refuse to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist? It's because I want you to understand me without needing someone else to write a prescription and a certificate to tell you that I have a problem. I'm right here, TELLING you that I have a problem, and the only problem you'll let your own eyes see is that I don't have a job.
And if you still won't understand me, then fine, I'll leave it at that. I'll live my life on my own, carry my own joys and burdens, and share them with my best girl/boyfriend who understands me for who I am: me.
Then again... Maybe that point has already passed. Maybe, deep down inside, I just have some stupid, naive, hopeful wish that you'll come to understand me and try to help me by NOT trying to grind me into your own set understanding. Maybe, somewhere, I'm just wishing on a star, that you'll open your mind and come to accept that I'm not the same as you, that I'm not like you, that I'm much different and have different types of problems; that I want you to understand those problems I have, and help me gently through them; and accept me for who I am, and not push me into the direction you want me to go.
Then again, I might as well jump up and down and yell 'fat hopes' (a term an uncle taught me). Cuz no matter how much I hope, no matter how much I wish, it's not gonna happen.
...
..
Fuck this.
Fuck the world.
Fuck life.
To hell with everything. I'm done trying to be patient.
posted by Liil Masks at 12:16 pm
1 Comments:
what happens once you have that one person that understands your problems?
how is that going to change for you?
will it make your fear of holding a job go away? will it make you more willing to work at that said problem you have? will you begin to appreciate life a little bit more?
if it does, great! and i sincerely pray you find that person, or that person comes to realize it before really, everyone packs and leave because not just you, but they too are going to give up on you when they see no hope.
maybe its time you stop pushing your problems to others as their lack of compassion towards you, and work it out in yourself. You know you have issues, good. work it out, however you want to/feel like it/think its best. its nobody's job to do it for you but your own. Not like you didn't already know that. Yet knowing and doing something about it is 2 different stages altogether.
Its time to begin step 2.
you said there are directions you don't want to go, but which direction are you heading towards now? Is it the one you want to? Is it any better than the one you don't want to? Growing up is really hard, responsibilities are really scary, but its a transition that everyone faces. Drowning in self pity and being emo about nobody understanding you is wasting more time than you can afford to waste. Do you really want to look back 10 years from now and realize you just wasted the past 2 decades wallowing and wasted life? Do you really enjoy carrying all that guilt on your back all the time? If you hate being reminded of it, don't blame the reminder, just get rid of the bulk and the nagging will stop.
common sense, really.
Someone once told me that everyday is a decision. Each action you take is a decision. When it boils down to it, it doesn't matter what you feel and how you feel or what you want/dont want, but just doing something substantial to move forward. I'm not a morning person, but each morning I have to make the decision to freakin wake up early, or risk getting late for work, and risk loosing my job, and hence risk being an irresponsible person.
whats the decision you are making today that is marking your character tomorrow? if each day you give in and give up, you will be a quitter no matter how old you get, and guess what, you'll never get anywhere. It doesn't matter what you feel, just do it anyway. Call it social responsibility, or conforming to society, or whatever the heck you want. You have a role to play in this life like the rest of us, get a grip and play it.
It is only in your messed up head that you are bound, broken and torn. And it only feels like that because you allow it to be. Life doesn't have to be complicated, it is only so because you want it so. Its simple once you decide to find joy in whatever you see, whatever you do. It is within your own power to be free of that bondage, yet you won't even try to break free. If you don't, then no one else can do it for you either. Yet again, you know that.
If need be, seek a psychiatrist, not for anything, but for you to at least know whats 'wrong' with you. Its for your own sake, not anyone elses. You're not growing any younger. Soon your friends will have their own nests to care and tender for, and have little to no time for you. What then?
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