Dissonance
Ever had that feeling where you're trying to think deeply, and you get these voices of your thoughts just popping up as you think? Like maybe you're thinking about getting an ice cream, so the train of thought goes like
"I want a vanilla",
"Maybe not. I think I'll have a vanilla mixed with choc. yeah that's it",
"Where to buy one... Maybe the local 24hour shop?",
"No wait I want one from Baskin Robins",
"Do I have the cash for Baskin Robins? I do!",
... And it goes on.
Sounds familiar doesn't it? That's called the train of thought. It goes along as you think about what you want to do (or whatever you're thinking about), and it usually stays on focus with the matter you're thinking, usually with one decision.
Yet.. When I think... The cycle that my thoughts go through are... very different... It's something like this...
"I should sleep now, it's 3am" "I'm hungry"
"But I don't want to sleep. I know I'm tired. but I just don't want to." "I just ate chips."
"I shouldn't eat at night." "What should I do on RO?" "Feel like gaming."
"There's bread." "I need money." "Why do people keep me away from them?"
"I wish people would include me in their social cliques..." "I want butter with bread!"
That's just 3 or 4 different voices... a buzz of a whole load of them starts chattering everytime I try to think on what to do next. Some of them are usually related to the subject of the matter, giving many different opinions, solutions, and outcomes; which is good because I like playing safe, and I can give many different solutions to problems, I can think in many different ways, I can put myself in people's shoes and think about other people's feelings too.
But what annoys me the most, is all the unrelated thoughts that buzzes around. It makes it very hard for me to seriously think about something without going off topic or getting distracted. Even without these, the few voices that give me all kinds of solutions too tire me out. Focusing on ONE voice alone and carrying out action according to that is tiring and takes a lot of energy. That's probably why I hate planning, because it takes a lot out of me to come up with something good; though when I DO plan out something, it usually turns out to be very well done.
Ben put it in the best way anyone could've ever explained. "Normally people have 2, maybe 3 voices in their heads. You have like 5 to 10."
Because of that, my focus is easilly disrupted and being serious becomes a task to do. Yes when I'm serious everyone can see that I'm serious, but that doesn't come often and when people are serious I'm always still 'playing around', making jokes.
Someone asked me a question that killed most of the chatter and made me think today.
"What do YOU want?"
My answer to this question has so far from my perspective, always been pre-set and written down so I can never go wrong. It's like discipline over heart. It's always been "I want to act" or "I want to sing" or somewhere along those lines which you've probably heard a dozen times.
But I reliased. After thinking about it...
What I really want to do is go for stage performance practice sessions.
I suck on stage, I really do. I got stage fright in form 2 and it's been a problem in my performing person for the longest time. I'm always fine when doing a choral piece or acting and just saying lines.
But when it comes to singing a Solo or Duet, somehow or other, I will SURELY mess up.
It's been proven very much. My heart starts to jump, my diagfram sucks itself in and I get very VERY strong jitters. Sometimes my diagfram shivers, resulting in very bad singing.
But what I've really enjoyed
are the practice sessions.
I've always looked forward to the next practice session be it in Operafest Children's Choir, The Canticle Singers, or FGA Performing Arts. Practice sessions seem to be the thing I long and crave for every single day, until it comes.
I've given up my saturdays and sundays for practice sessions during my Operafest days. I didn't have any peers I hung out with anyway, so I never lost much.
This was my place.
Practice was my home.
Practice was a place I wanted to go to every single time, and not wanting to leave ever.
If I was a professional stage actor where every single day was a practice session, I think I would've found the job I'd do for the rest of my life with passion and enthusiasm self-renewing after every night.
What am I...? What am I supposed to do...?
Which path must I go on to become the best of what I can be?
I don't even know if I would be doing this for His glory.
It's... The only thing my passion and enthusiasm truly burns for.
Otherwise...
I have nothing.
God...
Bless Ben, Ivan, Jas, Sandy.
Bless all who read this blog.
My heart-felt gratitude goes to them, for faithfully reading.
"I want a vanilla",
"Maybe not. I think I'll have a vanilla mixed with choc. yeah that's it",
"Where to buy one... Maybe the local 24hour shop?",
"No wait I want one from Baskin Robins",
"Do I have the cash for Baskin Robins? I do!",
... And it goes on.
Sounds familiar doesn't it? That's called the train of thought. It goes along as you think about what you want to do (or whatever you're thinking about), and it usually stays on focus with the matter you're thinking, usually with one decision.
Yet.. When I think... The cycle that my thoughts go through are... very different... It's something like this...
"I should sleep now, it's 3am" "I'm hungry"
"But I don't want to sleep. I know I'm tired. but I just don't want to." "I just ate chips."
"I shouldn't eat at night." "What should I do on RO?" "Feel like gaming."
"There's bread." "I need money." "Why do people keep me away from them?"
"I wish people would include me in their social cliques..." "I want butter with bread!"
That's just 3 or 4 different voices... a buzz of a whole load of them starts chattering everytime I try to think on what to do next. Some of them are usually related to the subject of the matter, giving many different opinions, solutions, and outcomes; which is good because I like playing safe, and I can give many different solutions to problems, I can think in many different ways, I can put myself in people's shoes and think about other people's feelings too.
But what annoys me the most, is all the unrelated thoughts that buzzes around. It makes it very hard for me to seriously think about something without going off topic or getting distracted. Even without these, the few voices that give me all kinds of solutions too tire me out. Focusing on ONE voice alone and carrying out action according to that is tiring and takes a lot of energy. That's probably why I hate planning, because it takes a lot out of me to come up with something good; though when I DO plan out something, it usually turns out to be very well done.
Ben put it in the best way anyone could've ever explained. "Normally people have 2, maybe 3 voices in their heads. You have like 5 to 10."
Because of that, my focus is easilly disrupted and being serious becomes a task to do. Yes when I'm serious everyone can see that I'm serious, but that doesn't come often and when people are serious I'm always still 'playing around', making jokes.
Someone asked me a question that killed most of the chatter and made me think today.
"What do YOU want?"
My answer to this question has so far from my perspective, always been pre-set and written down so I can never go wrong. It's like discipline over heart. It's always been "I want to act" or "I want to sing" or somewhere along those lines which you've probably heard a dozen times.
But I reliased. After thinking about it...
What I really want to do is go for stage performance practice sessions.
I suck on stage, I really do. I got stage fright in form 2 and it's been a problem in my performing person for the longest time. I'm always fine when doing a choral piece or acting and just saying lines.
But when it comes to singing a Solo or Duet, somehow or other, I will SURELY mess up.
It's been proven very much. My heart starts to jump, my diagfram sucks itself in and I get very VERY strong jitters. Sometimes my diagfram shivers, resulting in very bad singing.
But what I've really enjoyed
are the practice sessions.
I've always looked forward to the next practice session be it in Operafest Children's Choir, The Canticle Singers, or FGA Performing Arts. Practice sessions seem to be the thing I long and crave for every single day, until it comes.
I've given up my saturdays and sundays for practice sessions during my Operafest days. I didn't have any peers I hung out with anyway, so I never lost much.
This was my place.
Practice was my home.
Practice was a place I wanted to go to every single time, and not wanting to leave ever.
If I was a professional stage actor where every single day was a practice session, I think I would've found the job I'd do for the rest of my life with passion and enthusiasm self-renewing after every night.
What am I...? What am I supposed to do...?
Which path must I go on to become the best of what I can be?
I don't even know if I would be doing this for His glory.
It's... The only thing my passion and enthusiasm truly burns for.
Otherwise...
I have nothing.
God...
Bless Ben, Ivan, Jas, Sandy.
Bless all who read this blog.
My heart-felt gratitude goes to them, for faithfully reading.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:11 am
1 Comments:
My friend, I hope you'll eventually find you way and what you want :)
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