Guess what!?

I blogged!

Ahahaha

yeah, I know, it's been ages since I last blogged.

Guess there's not really much that I really want to share lately. It's been busy busy for me and performance week (Be Our Guest), and I haven't really had the time to gather my thoughts and think coherently again.

Are people who can think coherently so much more attractive than those who have 101 brilliant spontaneous ideas but aren't coherent...?

Anyway...

Just to note, I may be closing down this blog. It's been too long, and I've lost the desire to blog. I can't exactly rant out my feelings here anymore. Even if I wanted to, I'd probably be hurting someone's feelings and whatnot, so as someone advised me, I shan't rant out here anymore. And as I have no other avenue of release, I'll just pent up everything again! wahahaha! lol...

Anyway recently, I've been having feelings for this young lady.

She's really sweet, she's hawt! She's a really lovable person, and best of all, she shares my gaming habits!

Trouble is... She's of another faith. The one that is near impossible to get out of in this country.

And because of that, as long as I'm not having a conversation with her, my self-defence mechanism forces my mind to drift away from her. Questions and doubts arise along with negative logic, making me think more and more about it till it hurts.

So as a result... I'm way confused over the entire thing...




And now, I've also developed feelings for another girl (again... *groan*). I used to have feelings for her in the past, but because we grew apart it kinda left itself hanging and slowly dissipated away.

The thing is... She's cute, petite, has a lovely personality, loves God, loves kids (she's a kindergarten teacher), and... Well basically if anyone met her, they'd like her instantly. Lately she's been in need of comforting, and well, I availed myself to her...

The thing is... She's innocent.

So innocent.

I know the level at which my person has been corrupted to. My mind's so far corrupted that I... Well let's just say I'm just damned corrupted haha. And now... To even think about spending life with a person who's so innocent...

I couldn't bring myself to it. I don't want to corrupt her. I don't want to bring her down to my level. She's better off looking for another innocent, pure holy guy who'll really take her even higher, not a lowly corrupted lowlife as I am.

Don't even begin to ask me "how do you know?". I just know. It's easy to tell from the way they act, react, from their speech, and from their personality. It's easy to tell how corrupted and at what angle and degree they are.

She's just... so pure and innocent.

I can't bring myself to do it.



So what am I waiting for?

I guess I really don't know.

I need a new job. Something that makes me WANT to stay awake and go to work. But at the same time, I fear that my skills and capabilities aren't enough for what I think may be a good career choice. I fear that I lack what it takes. I fear that I will disappoint and fail.

I'm afraid of disappointing myself. Failing to achieve my level of perfection. Or at least an acceptable level for myself.

I'm still at that place where I think too much. Having the lack of self-motivation doesn't help it one bit. I'm just lacking in the drive to push myself to excel. Lacking the yearning to want to do better than I can. If I fail, and I don't know how to succeed, I'll probably fail again, and so there it stops.

I remember when my college classmates were mocking this guy they had videotaped, who said he had a 'fear of failing'. I can relate to that very well. It's not so much of failing in what you do, it's failing to reach your own personal standards, disappointing yourself, and afraid of not being able to pick yourself up again. While life is always full of challenges, I'm still afraid to face challenges what I have no sure-fire answer as to how to conquer it.



I guess that's the most important trait I'd need in my future spouse (next to God): the ability and DESIRE to motivate me. I can't draw motivation from myself. I'd need someone or something or a situation to make my mind work.

Otherwise... I might just fail at life.



And that's also partially why I play games so much. It pulls my attention and focus in, leaving me little to no time to think about anything else other than the game itself. While that may be a bad thing or avenue of escape, it's the only one that works on me right now. Sometimes I want to just stop thinking for a moment and rest. And in order to do that, I'd have to game.

Neverending vicious cycle. Ahaha.


Anyway, I gotta go. ran out of things to say anyway.

Here's to the next post, whenever it may be.



God,

do bless my blogreaders
if there are any left. :)