Might this be the end?

It's been a while since I've posted. Truth be told, I don't feel like posting here anymore. A certain someone seems to have found my blog, and I have not the least bit of interest in this person reading through my intimate entries at all. Suffice to say that in all my years of living, this person would be the 2nd person I could very well truthfully and sincerely admit that I hate.

But let's not go there. I come to post today, because of an uncertainty in my heart.

I've just only read through a few testimonies about God being good to His people.

I'm sure you all know about people praying to God and God answering their prayers, be it of a sizeable magnitude or a seedling's worth. They have been asked for, and given unto them.


In this person's testimony, the person acquired something that was not due for the person. While the person had been subjected to an unfair state of being forgotten and by-passed whether by intention or by mistake, the person was given a post, which was meant to be rotational among fellow people, and was made so for the rest of the year (the rotational post was the one that somehow bypassed this person).

Then at the end of the year, a certificate was issued for this person, stating that a slightly higher position had been entrusted to her (instead of assistant, the certificate said it was the leader's position). After explaining the situation, a transfer who had been holding another position months before had returned and held the position stated in her certificate. But because that transfer had a different position before, he was given a cert for that position, while the testifying received the cert for the 'leader's position.

While one would certainly be joyful about it, I can't help but wonder; is that the right way to do things?

While certainly the stupidity and moronisity of mankind comes into question almsot every day of life, is it alright to give someone a cert stating that they have achieved something; the same something which they had not? Is it alright to be awarded for something one did not do? Does one's conscience not do a double flip one one is praised for something that is owed to someone else?

While yes I agree that it happens plenty in the world, but for one who prays to the same God I put my trust and faith on, is that anywhere near acceptable?

The same way goes for prizes and medals. Is it really alright to pray to win a medal or a competition? While I would understand praying for a good memory, a bright mind and a good eye during exams to spot out questions and to answer them because one has asked God to help them stay bright and awake, and to have a good fresh memory to remember all that they have learnt before... Is it the right thing to do to pray to win a competition?

I understand if one is heavily burdened by financial problems, and winning a competition would give them a sufficient cash prize to serve their needs; in that circumstance I would consider it acceptable to pray to win.

But when personal satisfaction is the only thing one longs for, would praying for a win really be considered an acceptable prayer at all? If one has worked hard for it, then I believe one should pray for God's will to be done. And while winning would be exhilarating for one's self, losing would not mean the end of the world, and one should take that as God's way of telling "it's not something I want for you". Praying for a win is...

Not understandable. Not for me.

But

Some months ago, my mom asked me to pray for my sister, She would be entering some exam-quiz-competition thing in her school, and she had studied up for it. My mom asked me to pray for her to win the competition. With my understanding, I said I would not, for what sense is there if one prays to win when one doesn't deserve to? I believe that one should pray for God to bring the utmost best in them, and if winning the competition is within reach AND is God's will, then by all means. So I did exactly what I said I would do. I prayed for her to remember all her studies, prayed for a fresh and awake mind, prayed for her to be smart doing her exams, and for God to just bring the best that she can do out of her, that she would do to the best of her abilities.

She didn't win. My mom told me about it during dinner one day after the results were out. I counterjected that perhaps she forgot her studies, but my mother said that my prayer had worked. She remembered all her studies, remembered all her previous work, and had done the exam to her utmost best of capabilities that her current state had to offer. But she still did not win. She just wasn't good enough. The dejected look on my sister's face broke my heart, and in a male-ego manner, I flatly put it that she didn't study hard enough for it, and walked off.


I hate my memories and my brain. All these things that haunt me, all these images that torture my mind, my emotions and test my sanity appear at the times when my mind is not preoccupied. It wears me down to constantly pull up a straight face against them. Feelings of regret, of guilt, of depression, of hatred, all these negative emotions, bottled up in me, seem to tease and taunt me from within the jar that I have kept them in. While they cannot escape and attack me directly, they constantly make sure to use every means to get at me. Why do you think I hate it so much when people disturb my gaming? Why do you think I even game so incessively for? Why do you think I refuse to offer an explanation as to why I play so many games, and refuse to stop?

I guess I need prayer. No, I KNOW I need prayer. Healing and deliverance. Forgiveness. Maybe even exorcism. I've been holding back that random urge to strike up one of Lei WuLong's animal martial arts poses. I've heard of a friend who went through exorcism and did a bunch of strange chinese martial arts poses, when he himself had never studied them. I'm afraid that might happen. I'm afraid to know that I'm possessed. I probably am, but am probably too proud to want to admit that I could be sbjected to that.


Anddddd I've strayed from the tpoic.

WEll, at least I got that off my chest. Now to get it off my shoulders... ahaha...

And hey, Ben, if you ever read this, don't you ever dare become like me alright? I'll bash the senses into you if you ever do. Live your own life man lol :P (random I know but w/e ahaha I wudn't be Brian if I weren't random)


God

Why don't I dare to?
Why can't I give up what I know and understand, for You?