Heartbreaking Moments
I stared at the screen and the keyboard for a while before typing out this post.
I'm just feeling so sad, disappointed and (the all too cliche) depressed that I don't even know where or how to begin this post.
Why is it that most of my posts are just plain depressive, some people have asked and/or complained.
It's because... That's my life.
Happiness and short-lived joy is there, oh yes there are times when these occurrences do happen.
But other than that, and other than the boring everyday normal routine part of my life...
It's sadness.
If it's too depressing to read my blog, then don't, please. I don't want to make people even more depressed.
It's not the way I view life, it's the way I feel. It's not that I'm purposely trying to view things in a saddened and negative way, it's the NORMAL way I see things that are happening or have happened to me.
I don't CHOOSE to be sad and depressed.
I just am... Because it's how I feel. I don't CHOOSE to feel this way, it's not within my control to WANT to feel happy or sad. Even if I DID want to see things in a more positive manner, it's not how I normally perceive things. I CAN, I'm not saying I can't, I CAN. It just doesn't strike me first on my mind regarding things about myself...
...
I don't even know what I was babbling about back there...
It was an important practice session for the FGA Performing Arts Department today. We were 'presenting' for the extras and the off-stage crew to let them get the general idea of the play, so that they could plan for their entry points and parts to play.
I was up as the main character, Joseph (son of Jacob, not the father of Jesus). We have 2 Josephs, and I was the one to play him today.
I thought I had done fairly well. I had been stressed and down throughout the week, thinking about my parts and my lines, my acting and my portrayal of the character. I admit I wasn't eating, living and breathing the character, that's just too much for me. But I DID put effort to think through my lines, to go through the parts of the play in my mind, mapping out my movements and feelings, facial expressions, and such.
Most of the cast didn't deliver well though. We got an earful from our director.
I stayed back after everything was over to have a chat with her. I wanted to ask about my performance today. I was feeling a little nervous because I felt that I had done better today.
She had a long long chat with our music director. So I waited and chatted with the music director's son while waiting.
When she was finally done...
...
I don't even know how to begin. Or say it for that matter.
To put it simply, in her eyes, I hadn't done ANYTHING AT ALL to work on my character portrayal. It was as if I had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL for the past week.
She was frustrated that I kept putting my head down, allowing my hair to get into my face, then brushing it aside. "Half of the entire performance, I see you doing just that" was what she said.
Fine I will admit, my hair WAS getting into my face. I guess I'll probably just spray it up the next time to make sure it doesn't get into my face ever again. (not that I said any of this, mind you).
Then came the part that I really felt hurt about.
She started exclaiming that "Hwaa, I'm in The Canticle Singers, I've been in Operafest, I've been performing for so so so many years, this is what I've done, and I'll accept it", 'imitating' me so to speak.
I have absolutely NO FRIGGIN IDEA where that came from, but I'm guessing she was trying to tell me that I came across as arrogant, filled with pride, and totally the opposite side of humble?
I didn't understand. I have never tried to even MENTION my 'superiority' in performing experience, neither have I ever used TCS as a grounds as to show that I've done more than anyone ever has. Yes I've said that TCS requires WAY more commitment than any of our church productions have ever had, but that was just as a comparison of the level of commitment the general cast has seemed to show. And these were merely private conversations, not ONCE have I ever mentioned that I've been in so many productions therefore what I think is right is the way things should be done; no I have never EVER said that.
I have NEVER EVER used my experience as a foothold to reason about things. As a comparison, yes, if need be, but I DO NOT use it as a way to tell people that I am superior in any manner.
IF ANYTHING AT ALL, I have REFRAINED from talking about my past experience entirely.
So why, WHY did she have to say that?
and it wasn't once or twice, or even three times, but MANY TIMES did she 'imitate' that.
And it hurt me.
It hurt me very, very deeply.
Even if she ever says that it wasn't personal, THAT ITSELF was a PERSONAL ATTACK directed RIGHT at me.
It hurt.
So badly.
No, that was not who she was before. Before, yes she was stern and strict. But no matter what, she was still sensitive, and understood people's FEELINGS.
This is nowhere NEAR that.
The reason why I cannot work to make myself better than the other person playing Joseph, is because I believe that isn't the right way to do about things.
If this were an outside production, then yes, I will push myself to compare and compete with anyone else casted into my role as well. That would be competition, and in a competition, I will strive to be better than my rival.
But this is different. He isn't my rival, he's my friend, casted alongside me to bring this production into fulfillment, with God backing us BOTH. There is NOTHING to compete about, the only pushing is to push ourselves to make ourselves better to reach the audience, and to do better for God.
I fight with myself a lot, trying to push away the thoughts of "Am I doing better than he is? What can I do to outdo him in terms of this and that?". While it may be healthy competition, I know that I get jealous easily, and that's why I have to keep all thoughts of competition away. Because I cannot be jealous over how well he does certain things. He has his way, I have my way. We are both different people, we have our strengths and weaknesses. We may hold the same role, but our performance would be different, simply because we ARE different.
And yet... She strives so hard to compare us both together, talking about places where he does way better than I do.
I guess this is where being twins suck really bad, especially when you're the one who's on the lower end of the performance level.
I admit, there were parts where I wasn't thinking about what to do. I simply didn't know what to do. So I ended up stoning a little on the stage.
But I didn't want to do what the other Joseph does. He struts around the stage acting funny. My interpretation of a TEENAGER doesn't do that. To me, that's what little kids do. If you want me to act funny, sure I can. But it doesn't seem real to me at all, and truthfully I won't be feeling it. I would just feel like I'm acting stupid/silly on stage.
*sigh*
Either ways...
I'm not performing up to par.
I had been worrying myself the whole week, to the point of taking a muscle relaxant just to ease the tension down a little... Feeling stressed, afraid that I wouldn't perform up to standards again...
Short to say, I could point out many reasons as to why I didn't 'feel' certain scenes, places I WAS doing as she had instructed (but it seemed like she never took notice of me), places where I was doing what I was doing because of what circumstances from my thought process.
But it seemed that the more I tried to explain my thought process to let her know what I was thinking, the more it seemed to her that I'm trying to tell her what I'm doing is right and that I'm 'unteachable'.
I'm not trying to be 'unteachable', or trying to tell her what to do, or that I'm right! I'm just merely trying to explain why I did that, and to ask for a correction in my thought process, so that I can think it through again and act accordingly! I spoke in a slow, explaining manner, nothing NEAR an arrogant way of speech! I was trying my best to be humble, to explain that this is what my thought process brought through, so how do I work on it!
I was NOT being arrogant or prideful! I wasn't trying to be unteachable!
*heavy sigh*
I guess I can never ever try to explain why I do things ever again. I just wanted to know if there should be a correction in my thought process... but every time before I could finish explaining, I would be cut off and told off that I'm not doing it right...
It's getting very VERY tiring and emotionally stressful as well... The only reason why I didn't burst out crying in front of her was because I kept my silence, only nodding to certain sentences...
Feeling so emotionally drained now... I just want to cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning and cry some more...
And it's not that I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want to.
But whenever I need someone at these dreadfully sorrowful times...
Everyone's asleep...
And... I just can't find it in myself to be important enough to bother to wake people up just to rant and cry on... People need their sleep after all. I know they do.
Thank goodness I had already asked my usual friends out for a night of gaming. My focus being pulled entirely into playing the game, I could forget about everything for that brief moment, and let my emotions settle down...
I'm hurt.
I just want to bleed until I lose consciousness...
and watch the light slowly fade away...
Nobody would notice me being gone anyway...
Nobody outside my immediate family of course. I'm just not worth that much anyway. I can't even perform well in the thing I'm supposed to do best.
God...
Bless my blog readers.
Even if You choose to not be with me, please, be with those who still regard me as a person in their lives.
That... Is my most precious request.
Good night.
I'm just feeling so sad, disappointed and (the all too cliche) depressed that I don't even know where or how to begin this post.
Why is it that most of my posts are just plain depressive, some people have asked and/or complained.
It's because... That's my life.
Happiness and short-lived joy is there, oh yes there are times when these occurrences do happen.
But other than that, and other than the boring everyday normal routine part of my life...
It's sadness.
If it's too depressing to read my blog, then don't, please. I don't want to make people even more depressed.
It's not the way I view life, it's the way I feel. It's not that I'm purposely trying to view things in a saddened and negative way, it's the NORMAL way I see things that are happening or have happened to me.
I don't CHOOSE to be sad and depressed.
I just am... Because it's how I feel. I don't CHOOSE to feel this way, it's not within my control to WANT to feel happy or sad. Even if I DID want to see things in a more positive manner, it's not how I normally perceive things. I CAN, I'm not saying I can't, I CAN. It just doesn't strike me first on my mind regarding things about myself...
...
I don't even know what I was babbling about back there...
It was an important practice session for the FGA Performing Arts Department today. We were 'presenting' for the extras and the off-stage crew to let them get the general idea of the play, so that they could plan for their entry points and parts to play.
I was up as the main character, Joseph (son of Jacob, not the father of Jesus). We have 2 Josephs, and I was the one to play him today.
I thought I had done fairly well. I had been stressed and down throughout the week, thinking about my parts and my lines, my acting and my portrayal of the character. I admit I wasn't eating, living and breathing the character, that's just too much for me. But I DID put effort to think through my lines, to go through the parts of the play in my mind, mapping out my movements and feelings, facial expressions, and such.
Most of the cast didn't deliver well though. We got an earful from our director.
I stayed back after everything was over to have a chat with her. I wanted to ask about my performance today. I was feeling a little nervous because I felt that I had done better today.
She had a long long chat with our music director. So I waited and chatted with the music director's son while waiting.
When she was finally done...
...
I don't even know how to begin. Or say it for that matter.
To put it simply, in her eyes, I hadn't done ANYTHING AT ALL to work on my character portrayal. It was as if I had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL for the past week.
She was frustrated that I kept putting my head down, allowing my hair to get into my face, then brushing it aside. "Half of the entire performance, I see you doing just that" was what she said.
Fine I will admit, my hair WAS getting into my face. I guess I'll probably just spray it up the next time to make sure it doesn't get into my face ever again. (not that I said any of this, mind you).
Then came the part that I really felt hurt about.
She started exclaiming that "Hwaa, I'm in The Canticle Singers, I've been in Operafest, I've been performing for so so so many years, this is what I've done, and I'll accept it", 'imitating' me so to speak.
I have absolutely NO FRIGGIN IDEA where that came from, but I'm guessing she was trying to tell me that I came across as arrogant, filled with pride, and totally the opposite side of humble?
I didn't understand. I have never tried to even MENTION my 'superiority' in performing experience, neither have I ever used TCS as a grounds as to show that I've done more than anyone ever has. Yes I've said that TCS requires WAY more commitment than any of our church productions have ever had, but that was just as a comparison of the level of commitment the general cast has seemed to show. And these were merely private conversations, not ONCE have I ever mentioned that I've been in so many productions therefore what I think is right is the way things should be done; no I have never EVER said that.
I have NEVER EVER used my experience as a foothold to reason about things. As a comparison, yes, if need be, but I DO NOT use it as a way to tell people that I am superior in any manner.
IF ANYTHING AT ALL, I have REFRAINED from talking about my past experience entirely.
So why, WHY did she have to say that?
and it wasn't once or twice, or even three times, but MANY TIMES did she 'imitate' that.
And it hurt me.
It hurt me very, very deeply.
Even if she ever says that it wasn't personal, THAT ITSELF was a PERSONAL ATTACK directed RIGHT at me.
It hurt.
So badly.
No, that was not who she was before. Before, yes she was stern and strict. But no matter what, she was still sensitive, and understood people's FEELINGS.
This is nowhere NEAR that.
The reason why I cannot work to make myself better than the other person playing Joseph, is because I believe that isn't the right way to do about things.
If this were an outside production, then yes, I will push myself to compare and compete with anyone else casted into my role as well. That would be competition, and in a competition, I will strive to be better than my rival.
But this is different. He isn't my rival, he's my friend, casted alongside me to bring this production into fulfillment, with God backing us BOTH. There is NOTHING to compete about, the only pushing is to push ourselves to make ourselves better to reach the audience, and to do better for God.
I fight with myself a lot, trying to push away the thoughts of "Am I doing better than he is? What can I do to outdo him in terms of this and that?". While it may be healthy competition, I know that I get jealous easily, and that's why I have to keep all thoughts of competition away. Because I cannot be jealous over how well he does certain things. He has his way, I have my way. We are both different people, we have our strengths and weaknesses. We may hold the same role, but our performance would be different, simply because we ARE different.
And yet... She strives so hard to compare us both together, talking about places where he does way better than I do.
I guess this is where being twins suck really bad, especially when you're the one who's on the lower end of the performance level.
I admit, there were parts where I wasn't thinking about what to do. I simply didn't know what to do. So I ended up stoning a little on the stage.
But I didn't want to do what the other Joseph does. He struts around the stage acting funny. My interpretation of a TEENAGER doesn't do that. To me, that's what little kids do. If you want me to act funny, sure I can. But it doesn't seem real to me at all, and truthfully I won't be feeling it. I would just feel like I'm acting stupid/silly on stage.
*sigh*
Either ways...
I'm not performing up to par.
I had been worrying myself the whole week, to the point of taking a muscle relaxant just to ease the tension down a little... Feeling stressed, afraid that I wouldn't perform up to standards again...
Short to say, I could point out many reasons as to why I didn't 'feel' certain scenes, places I WAS doing as she had instructed (but it seemed like she never took notice of me), places where I was doing what I was doing because of what circumstances from my thought process.
But it seemed that the more I tried to explain my thought process to let her know what I was thinking, the more it seemed to her that I'm trying to tell her what I'm doing is right and that I'm 'unteachable'.
I'm not trying to be 'unteachable', or trying to tell her what to do, or that I'm right! I'm just merely trying to explain why I did that, and to ask for a correction in my thought process, so that I can think it through again and act accordingly! I spoke in a slow, explaining manner, nothing NEAR an arrogant way of speech! I was trying my best to be humble, to explain that this is what my thought process brought through, so how do I work on it!
I was NOT being arrogant or prideful! I wasn't trying to be unteachable!
*heavy sigh*
I guess I can never ever try to explain why I do things ever again. I just wanted to know if there should be a correction in my thought process... but every time before I could finish explaining, I would be cut off and told off that I'm not doing it right...
It's getting very VERY tiring and emotionally stressful as well... The only reason why I didn't burst out crying in front of her was because I kept my silence, only nodding to certain sentences...
Feeling so emotionally drained now... I just want to cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning and cry some more...
And it's not that I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I want to.
But whenever I need someone at these dreadfully sorrowful times...
Everyone's asleep...
And... I just can't find it in myself to be important enough to bother to wake people up just to rant and cry on... People need their sleep after all. I know they do.
Thank goodness I had already asked my usual friends out for a night of gaming. My focus being pulled entirely into playing the game, I could forget about everything for that brief moment, and let my emotions settle down...
I'm hurt.
I just want to bleed until I lose consciousness...
and watch the light slowly fade away...
Nobody would notice me being gone anyway...
Nobody outside my immediate family of course. I'm just not worth that much anyway. I can't even perform well in the thing I'm supposed to do best.
God...
Bless my blog readers.
Even if You choose to not be with me, please, be with those who still regard me as a person in their lives.
That... Is my most precious request.
Good night.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:28 am
1 Comments:
I'm going to say something that's easy to say but difficult to do. PRAY and leave it to God. Be open to whatever God wants you to do or be. Just leave it all to God. If he wants you to be yourself, he will work on her. Most of all, he wants submission from you. Submit to you and to those in authority.
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