The Day I Desire To Celebrate
Is the day that I dread living in.
Yeah, today was (well still is I guess ahaha) Father's Day. The day the whole of Earth acknowledges to acknowledge the hard work and dedication all fathers have put into providing and raising their families and kids.
I want to celebrate this day. Oh so badly in fact.
Because... I've never had a father.
One whom I can turn to when I'm having problems or questions about myself and things around me, one whom I can enjoy time with and laugh with...
One whom I can love and trust to lead and teach me to be a strong leader in the family that I may (and hopefully will) build in the future.
Oh yeah, I have a biological father. The man who provided the sperm that grew into this thing that's typing this blog right now. There's also the financial father, who provided money for me to survive by putting (some of the) food on the table and a roof over my head.
But... I don't have a FATHER father. I don't have a man whom I can lovingly hug and cuddle into (when I was younger at least), whom I can share interesting 'man' times with, whom I can discuss embarrassing secrets that I can't possibly tell my mom, whom I can approach about problems that I'm facing and expect a loving and caring and understanding answer...
I've got none of that.
I WANT to celebrate father's day. Because when I do, it means that I have that father. It means that I have the privilege of calling this man, my father, and be proud of him.
But I don't. I don't have that kind of a person in my life. My biological father was never there. My financial father would rather have me out of his life than anything else. Don't say that it isn't true mom, I have a very sharp ear, and I hear all the small and frustrated complaints that he has about every single aspect of my life. I can hear these things, and I know he doesn't want me around.
It doesn't matter whether that house is not strategic. The reason I want that house so badly, besides the fact that it's huge and probably cheap, is that I want to get away from here. As said before, the more I'm around him, the more bitter I grow each day. I have submitted more times than I can count, for the sake of this family, and for the sake of the Bible's commandments, to honour my father and my mother. But when he doesn't behave like my father, I feel that I have the right to dis-acknowledge him as my father.
Perhaps behaving strategically strict and sometimes mean towards my sister is part of a bigger plan to 'outdo' him. She already confessed to my mom that she loves our mother the most, and me her brother, the second. Her father only comes in third. Why is that, even though he gives her everything, and I'm strict and only lenient and free about 50% of the time? I notice myself that I'm strict with her very often, telling her to do her homework, practice her gym-rama sequences or doing her splits, uphold moral values and do house chores and other stuff like that. I guess I'm teaching her more in a father's position than a brother would. So why does she love me more?
Probably part of the psychological process I 'studied' up about family relations. I dunno. All I know is... It seems as if it's all part of my sinister plan to get back at him for treating me like that all these years; by making my sister love me more than him. While it really sounds and feels like sweet revenge... It's not right. I know it's not right.
But the line's drawn between using that as a motivation for these actions, and NOT using that as a motivation. It's either I'm doing it for that purpose, or I'm doing it just because I want to teach my sister well. Hey, seriously though, she listens to me, and disrespects him a lot.
*sigh* and that's why I dread this day. When people ask me what I'm getting for my father, I'm forced to reveal the dark and ugly side of my life. Me hating my stepfather. What kind of Christian hates their own father, even if it's their stepfather? I'm a horrible example of one, I'm sure. Being human and imperfect is no excuse.
I'm just waiting for the day that my sister starts coming to me to talk about personal problems. I want to share that kind of a relationship with her, even if it's about her physical self. Of course as her brother, I'd respond in a brotherly and matter-of-fact method regarding physical stuff. I can't be overly concerned, or it might be dangerous. As the 'father' of my sister, I'd want to share that kind of relationship with her. Cuz hey, I love her, and I want her to trust me fully. :)
Well... This has gone long enough. Time for me to close, and go to bed.
Dear God
Bless my blogreaders.
And God...
Do clean this mess in my life. I've tried enduring it, but the other party would not comply. As a result, I've gotten bitter and frustrated. Please, clear this part of my life. I too, want to celebrate father's day like a normal child.
It's the only thing (besides You) that's missing in my life.
Ah. eheh.
Good night.
Yeah, today was (well still is I guess ahaha) Father's Day. The day the whole of Earth acknowledges to acknowledge the hard work and dedication all fathers have put into providing and raising their families and kids.
I want to celebrate this day. Oh so badly in fact.
Because... I've never had a father.
One whom I can turn to when I'm having problems or questions about myself and things around me, one whom I can enjoy time with and laugh with...
One whom I can love and trust to lead and teach me to be a strong leader in the family that I may (and hopefully will) build in the future.
Oh yeah, I have a biological father. The man who provided the sperm that grew into this thing that's typing this blog right now. There's also the financial father, who provided money for me to survive by putting (some of the) food on the table and a roof over my head.
But... I don't have a FATHER father. I don't have a man whom I can lovingly hug and cuddle into (when I was younger at least), whom I can share interesting 'man' times with, whom I can discuss embarrassing secrets that I can't possibly tell my mom, whom I can approach about problems that I'm facing and expect a loving and caring and understanding answer...
I've got none of that.
I WANT to celebrate father's day. Because when I do, it means that I have that father. It means that I have the privilege of calling this man, my father, and be proud of him.
But I don't. I don't have that kind of a person in my life. My biological father was never there. My financial father would rather have me out of his life than anything else. Don't say that it isn't true mom, I have a very sharp ear, and I hear all the small and frustrated complaints that he has about every single aspect of my life. I can hear these things, and I know he doesn't want me around.
It doesn't matter whether that house is not strategic. The reason I want that house so badly, besides the fact that it's huge and probably cheap, is that I want to get away from here. As said before, the more I'm around him, the more bitter I grow each day. I have submitted more times than I can count, for the sake of this family, and for the sake of the Bible's commandments, to honour my father and my mother. But when he doesn't behave like my father, I feel that I have the right to dis-acknowledge him as my father.
Perhaps behaving strategically strict and sometimes mean towards my sister is part of a bigger plan to 'outdo' him. She already confessed to my mom that she loves our mother the most, and me her brother, the second. Her father only comes in third. Why is that, even though he gives her everything, and I'm strict and only lenient and free about 50% of the time? I notice myself that I'm strict with her very often, telling her to do her homework, practice her gym-rama sequences or doing her splits, uphold moral values and do house chores and other stuff like that. I guess I'm teaching her more in a father's position than a brother would. So why does she love me more?
Probably part of the psychological process I 'studied' up about family relations. I dunno. All I know is... It seems as if it's all part of my sinister plan to get back at him for treating me like that all these years; by making my sister love me more than him. While it really sounds and feels like sweet revenge... It's not right. I know it's not right.
But the line's drawn between using that as a motivation for these actions, and NOT using that as a motivation. It's either I'm doing it for that purpose, or I'm doing it just because I want to teach my sister well. Hey, seriously though, she listens to me, and disrespects him a lot.
*sigh* and that's why I dread this day. When people ask me what I'm getting for my father, I'm forced to reveal the dark and ugly side of my life. Me hating my stepfather. What kind of Christian hates their own father, even if it's their stepfather? I'm a horrible example of one, I'm sure. Being human and imperfect is no excuse.
I'm just waiting for the day that my sister starts coming to me to talk about personal problems. I want to share that kind of a relationship with her, even if it's about her physical self. Of course as her brother, I'd respond in a brotherly and matter-of-fact method regarding physical stuff. I can't be overly concerned, or it might be dangerous. As the 'father' of my sister, I'd want to share that kind of relationship with her. Cuz hey, I love her, and I want her to trust me fully. :)
Well... This has gone long enough. Time for me to close, and go to bed.
Dear God
Bless my blogreaders.
And God...
Do clean this mess in my life. I've tried enduring it, but the other party would not comply. As a result, I've gotten bitter and frustrated. Please, clear this part of my life. I too, want to celebrate father's day like a normal child.
It's the only thing (besides You) that's missing in my life.
Ah. eheh.
Good night.
posted by Liil Masks at 8:24 am
2 Comments:
*huggles*
I know that there will come a time when you will be reconciled with dad. Meanwhile, ask Abba Father to fill you with the knowledge of how deep, how wide, how high and how long is his love for you. Pray that everyday and you will experience his love.
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