On the Dark Side of the World in Space
The depression wave hits.
It would be a normal and predictable thing for me to complain about the weaknesses I see in her, considering she 'ranted' (so called, not so much of a rant, just pointed out, but I can't find a better word... Cuz she doesn't like the bad points abt me either, which would make it a rant, but she's not really complaining cuz she's accepting it and hopefully helping+motivating me to change it... so it's an 'acceptable rant'? Nvm...) about my bad points... Which be very easilly addicted into gaming, and a long line/list of stuff abt me not being able to study.
I'll start on the first point first.
Game Addict
I admit. I'm a game addict. When I learn how to play a new game, I learn and play above the amatuer level very fast. Anyone who knows me knows I love games. I like a wide range of games. In the arcade, I play the Para Para Paradise and Soul Calibur II / III. On the computer, I like a whole bunch of stuff, but currently am playing Pangya (golf) and restarted Gunbound (something like Worms).
The problem with me would be that I can't stop myself easilly. Everytime I finish a round/level, I automatically start or get ready for the next one, even though I need to go somewhere or do something. If the thing I'd need to do was important, I would probably go. But if I can be late, I'd probably be late. Sometimes I seem to lose regard for a person's needs while playing games... And I get grouchy and defensive everytime someone interrupts me while half-way through gaming ><
I disappointed her in this area because I lack the discipline to stop myself. I look at it more as self-control than 'discipline'. Maybe because it's just that my step-father always keeps telling me that I "HAVE NO DISCIPLINE AT ALL". He turned it into a word I utterly despise when used against me. Deep down inside, everytime he utters those words I have to fight the urge of really SHOWING HIM WHAT HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO DISCIPLINE REALLY MEANS.
I still hate him.
Sorry, ran off topic.
Next problem with me:
Too much of a pessimist in areas that are important in life, ie. WORK and STUDIES
I have a self-proclaimed problem that I cannot study. I state that I KNOW my attention span is short (which is very true, I am ABSOLUTELY SURE about this), and I have trouble trying to read and absorb information not related to anything that catches my interests (interests here includes the stuff I already am interested in).
I state that if I were given a textbook to read and regurgitate things that I've read, I cannot. I would simply read a few sentences, lose focus and either start daydreaming or everything I continue to force myself to read doesn't go into my head. I find it more of an acknowledgement of words used rather than a source of information.
Because of this, I claim that I cannot further my Diploma into a Degree simply because all the subjects in the final year of the Degree course are studying subjects - subjects I need to absorb and regurgitate from notes and textbooks.
This was what was discussed during lunch today with Ivan, Jaslyn and Shengcui (2ndary schoolmate). For people who've never had an Attention Deficit Disorder in their lives, I cannot expect them to understand the problem I have with staying focused on a single uninteresting thing for 5 whole minutes. Yet I still do AT LEAST expect them to understand that I have this problem, and it IS a problem to my studies, which is why I dare not take the degree course because I do not want to risk failing.
Which would you hire? :-
A - Person with 2.5 CGPA Degree
B - Person with 3.2 CGPA Diploma
Would you prefer someone who has higher qualifications yet worser marks (which could lead to possible pleadings of marks or supplementary work knowing all these colleges nowadays), or someone with slightly lower qualifications, but have the marks to prove they have the knowlege + skills required for the EXACT SAME JOB in which skills required are possessed by BOTH applicants? DO NOTE however that the person with a Diploma would have finished earlier, and thus would have gained working experience, which would be a good factor. The Degree holder however has null experience save for their internship (which the diploma student also has) because they require 1 more year to finish their degree?
If you answered:- A> Degree holder with 2.5 CGPA, you can stop reading right here and skip to the end. It's somewhere down there, in BOLD
If you answered:- B> Diploma holder with 3.2 CGPA, you can also stop reading and skip to the end, but the rest of this post might interest you more than the people who answered A.
Besides, I choose B and those who choose A would probably start getting annoyed by what you're going to read, and would probably start posting comments that would otherwise make everyone uncomfortable, or would make me annoyed.
Why do I choose the less qualified?
Besides me being the less qualified, it's obvious the MARKS showing you "I'm a B Student" is better than a cert that says "I'm a C Student". To me since the degree and diploma certs are very little apart, there wouldn't be much of a difference.
And besides like I said, I have ADD (attention deficit disorder), I can hardly study properly on topics that do not interest me, rather instead boring me to sleep. In the final semester where everything requires factual regurgitation (for those who still don't know, regurgitate means vomit back), a person who cannot remember dates, what certain things are called and why they are called that is just going to sit on their desk and look miserably at the paper. I WENT THROUGH THAT DURING HISTORY PAPER FOR SPM. I KNOW how it feels like.
Like I said, I don't expect ANYONE without ADD to understand that. ADD + Hyperactiveness (I've got a very mild case of it) is one combo that CANNOT sit still and read books that bore them to death. I KNOW I can study well and give facts back easilly, I KNOW I can do extensive research to find the things I need. However, these skills have only worked so far when I was doing research about the game I would be currently playing (for example RO). Otherwise... The results I get won't be so good. If it bores me to death, how am I going to even START doing research?
Just because Christopher Reeves recovered from his sickness and managed to speak again despite all odds, doesn't mean every other man can do that. Just because there was ONE miracle, doesn't mean there WILL be another one that so happened to be on you.
I know I should talk to a Christian person with Authority (pastor la or leader) about this. The problem is, I am close with none of these people in my entire church. I've tried talking to Pastor Guy about it, but he never got back to me after promising to call me back for another 'counselling' session. In many many months. I tried Pastor Michael Raj when he was still around, but he too, just didn't seem to see it important enough for him to remember or even jot down on a post-it note and stick it somewhere visible.
I know they are busy people and have important work to do, more important than trying to help a single person within an entire church of thousands of people. It's alright, I've begun to accept that I'm not someone anyone should care for or just wonder "how's he doing". I'm not worthy enough of people's time to be given extra energy to remember just to call.
Then what am I worthy of...? Nothing...
I know I'm getting emotional here and saying things, making them look really bad. But those are the truths (situations and my personal thoughts la, I don't know if they really don't care about me but it looks very well like it). And I AM an emotional person. Yes I have a higher tolerance for pain and emotional hurt, but it just makes all the bottling up even harder and more painful. I mentioned a depression wave coming to Jaslyn, but it got lost in the conversation. And I really don't like to repeat myself, especially things that are very important to my emotions, such as that.
Now I feel guilty, for not being able to provide for Jaslyn, and having a large amount of laziness and complacency about my condition, if anyone believes they exist at all (which I doubt anyone besides my Grandmother does). I've thought over and over again about going to a psychologist/psychiatrist to get a big fat cert certifying that "THIS PERSON HAS ADD, DO NOT EXPECT PERSON TO STAY FOCUSED ON AN UNINTERESTING BOOK FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES". THEN maybe someone would actually believe me. But what's the point? I'd just be spending more money. My mom's reluctant to supply me anything other than food and home anymore. Not reluctant, ALMOST WILL NOT. Only after taking myself out to some place far from home and I have no way to go back other than to walk and I run out of credit, will she think about providing some cash for me.
Which would come to the 2nd part of this problem - Getting a Job/Money. I need money to support Jaslyn. I need money to pay back my PTPTN loan. I need money to buy Jaslyn things that she likes. I HAVE A PHOBIA OF GOING TO WORK AND WORKING IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE I AM ALONE WITH NOBODY TO TRUST IN AND WHERE I AM EXPLOITED AND OPRESSED. I can't get a temporary job because my mom will just say "You need a real job" or "you need a PERMANENT job" or "you can't build your career out of that". I DON'T EVEN CARE about my career for damned's sake. It's not something I'm concerned with. I'm more concerned about earning enough money TO BE THERE FOR FRIENDS WHEN THEY NEED ME. That is one of the TOP priorities for GETTING A JOB. I don't friggin CARE about a career.
I'm tired. You don't think I'm tired? I'm frigging tired of hearing everyone say "You can't just sit at home and do nothing", or "Why don't you get a job?" or "That's not an excuse". Damnit do I CARE if you don't have extra sensitive emotions and a life that has been TRAUMATIZED by some people who have no regard for your feelings, to get the EXACT SAME thing at the place where you live in that's supposed to be built on the foundations of Love and Trust? NO I DON'T. BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER FELT IT, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO COME HOME EACH DAY TO KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE WHO JUST WANTS TO KICK YOU OUT AND HOPES THAT YOU DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY SO THAT THEY CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT YOU, AND HAVING THAT SOMEONE BE THE ROLE THAT YOU'VE NEVER EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, WITH YOU PUTTING HIGH HOPES ON THAT PERSON BEING YOUR ROLE MODEL AND HOPEFULLY TO REPLACE, YET HAVING YOURSELF SHOT DOWN BY THAT VERY PERSON AND HAVE YOUR ENTIRE SELF ESTEEM AND SANITY RIPPED APART BY THEM. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BETRAYED BY THE ONLY PEOPLE AROUND YOU WHOM YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TRUST WITH SECRETS THAT COULD SERIOUSLY HARM/HURT AND DESTROY YOU, HAVING THEM TELLING ON YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE SAID AND HAVING THEM LOOK AT YOU WHILE YOU GET SLAUGHTERED DOWN TO A SMALL PILE OF WEEPING TEARS.
YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD? JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS THAT TRIGGER ON THE SLIGHTEST REMARK EVEN IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE A JOKE DOESN'T MEAN IT ONLY EXISTS IN STORYBOOKS AND FAIRYTALES.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE HAS HAD SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN TO THEM DOESN'T MAKE YOURS A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE THAN THEIRS.
JUST BECAUSE YOU AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE CAN DO SOME THINGS THAT IS NORMAL FOR YOU DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FORSAKEN ROCK CAN DO JUST THAT. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DO IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN.
YOU THINK I'M PROCRASTINATING AND JUST BEING FUCKING LAZY AT HOME? YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING WITH THE PERSON I HATE THE MOST IN THIS WORLD, LIVING WITH HIM IN THE VERY SAME HOUSE? YOU THINK I LIKE THAT? YOU THINK I'M JUST MAKING THIS WHOLE 'I HAVE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA' ISSUE UP?
WELL I AM NOT! I AM NOT THAT STRONG! I AM NOT THAT STRONG-WILLED! I DON'T HAVE THE SELF-ESTEEM TO PUSH MYSELF UP! I DON'T HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE TO LIFT MY FEET OFF THE GROUND! I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO LIFT UP MY HEAD EVERY DAY AND FACE ANOTHER DAY OF HATE AND RESENTMENT TOWARDS A MAN MY GOD TELLS ME TO LOVE! I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE TOLERATING ANY OF HIS STUPID ARGUMENTS THAT ARE NOT BASED ON FACTS RATHER ON THE THINGS I HAVE DONE AND THE PAST THINGS THAT HAVE NO RELATION TO THE CURRENT SITUATION WHATSOEVER! I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO CONTINUE OPENING MY EYES TO FIND MYSELF STILL IN MY BED AND WAKING UP TO ANOTHER POTENTIAL DAY OF MORE OF THIS DREADED THING CALLED LIFE!
THE ONLY THINGS THAT DRIVE ME TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ARE GOD'S COMMANDMENTS (suicide is not allowed, 1-way ticket to hell), ME WANTING TO BE THERE FOR MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY NEED ME (I've already failed this 3 times in a row. I'm very sorry Jun. I want to make it up to you if I can), TO SUPPORT MY MOTHER AND SISTER WHEN TIME HAS PASSED, AND TO SUPPORT JASLYN! DO YOU GET THAT?
THERE IS NOTHING ELSE
THAT I LIVE FOR
I DON'T LIVE FOR MYSELF
People who chose Answer A> Degree buggers, continue reading here.
it' 4:30am. Time to go to bed. I'm just so sick and tired of everything.
But...
I thank you, Jaslyn my dearest, for loving me even with all the imperfections on me.
I thank you for wanting to help me through my... Uselessness. Yes, I am willing to try, for your sake.
Thank you... For loving me.
a person hardly anyone cares about.
God...
Bless...
Bless my friends
And my family.
I'm sorry God.
It would be a normal and predictable thing for me to complain about the weaknesses I see in her, considering she 'ranted' (so called, not so much of a rant, just pointed out, but I can't find a better word... Cuz she doesn't like the bad points abt me either, which would make it a rant, but she's not really complaining cuz she's accepting it and hopefully helping+motivating me to change it... so it's an 'acceptable rant'? Nvm...) about my bad points... Which be very easilly addicted into gaming, and a long line/list of stuff abt me not being able to study.
I'll start on the first point first.
Game Addict
I admit. I'm a game addict. When I learn how to play a new game, I learn and play above the amatuer level very fast. Anyone who knows me knows I love games. I like a wide range of games. In the arcade, I play the Para Para Paradise and Soul Calibur II / III. On the computer, I like a whole bunch of stuff, but currently am playing Pangya (golf) and restarted Gunbound (something like Worms).
The problem with me would be that I can't stop myself easilly. Everytime I finish a round/level, I automatically start or get ready for the next one, even though I need to go somewhere or do something. If the thing I'd need to do was important, I would probably go. But if I can be late, I'd probably be late. Sometimes I seem to lose regard for a person's needs while playing games... And I get grouchy and defensive everytime someone interrupts me while half-way through gaming ><
I disappointed her in this area because I lack the discipline to stop myself. I look at it more as self-control than 'discipline'. Maybe because it's just that my step-father always keeps telling me that I "HAVE NO DISCIPLINE AT ALL". He turned it into a word I utterly despise when used against me. Deep down inside, everytime he utters those words I have to fight the urge of really SHOWING HIM WHAT HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO DISCIPLINE REALLY MEANS.
I still hate him.
Sorry, ran off topic.
Next problem with me:
Too much of a pessimist in areas that are important in life, ie. WORK and STUDIES
I have a self-proclaimed problem that I cannot study. I state that I KNOW my attention span is short (which is very true, I am ABSOLUTELY SURE about this), and I have trouble trying to read and absorb information not related to anything that catches my interests (interests here includes the stuff I already am interested in).
I state that if I were given a textbook to read and regurgitate things that I've read, I cannot. I would simply read a few sentences, lose focus and either start daydreaming or everything I continue to force myself to read doesn't go into my head. I find it more of an acknowledgement of words used rather than a source of information.
Because of this, I claim that I cannot further my Diploma into a Degree simply because all the subjects in the final year of the Degree course are studying subjects - subjects I need to absorb and regurgitate from notes and textbooks.
This was what was discussed during lunch today with Ivan, Jaslyn and Shengcui (2ndary schoolmate). For people who've never had an Attention Deficit Disorder in their lives, I cannot expect them to understand the problem I have with staying focused on a single uninteresting thing for 5 whole minutes. Yet I still do AT LEAST expect them to understand that I have this problem, and it IS a problem to my studies, which is why I dare not take the degree course because I do not want to risk failing.
Which would you hire? :-
A - Person with 2.5 CGPA Degree
B - Person with 3.2 CGPA Diploma
Would you prefer someone who has higher qualifications yet worser marks (which could lead to possible pleadings of marks or supplementary work knowing all these colleges nowadays), or someone with slightly lower qualifications, but have the marks to prove they have the knowlege + skills required for the EXACT SAME JOB in which skills required are possessed by BOTH applicants? DO NOTE however that the person with a Diploma would have finished earlier, and thus would have gained working experience, which would be a good factor. The Degree holder however has null experience save for their internship (which the diploma student also has) because they require 1 more year to finish their degree?
If you answered:- A> Degree holder with 2.5 CGPA, you can stop reading right here and skip to the end. It's somewhere down there, in BOLD
If you answered:- B> Diploma holder with 3.2 CGPA, you can also stop reading and skip to the end, but the rest of this post might interest you more than the people who answered A.
Besides, I choose B and those who choose A would probably start getting annoyed by what you're going to read, and would probably start posting comments that would otherwise make everyone uncomfortable, or would make me annoyed.
Why do I choose the less qualified?
Besides me being the less qualified, it's obvious the MARKS showing you "I'm a B Student" is better than a cert that says "I'm a C Student". To me since the degree and diploma certs are very little apart, there wouldn't be much of a difference.
And besides like I said, I have ADD (attention deficit disorder), I can hardly study properly on topics that do not interest me, rather instead boring me to sleep. In the final semester where everything requires factual regurgitation (for those who still don't know, regurgitate means vomit back), a person who cannot remember dates, what certain things are called and why they are called that is just going to sit on their desk and look miserably at the paper. I WENT THROUGH THAT DURING HISTORY PAPER FOR SPM. I KNOW how it feels like.
Like I said, I don't expect ANYONE without ADD to understand that. ADD + Hyperactiveness (I've got a very mild case of it) is one combo that CANNOT sit still and read books that bore them to death. I KNOW I can study well and give facts back easilly, I KNOW I can do extensive research to find the things I need. However, these skills have only worked so far when I was doing research about the game I would be currently playing (for example RO). Otherwise... The results I get won't be so good. If it bores me to death, how am I going to even START doing research?
Just because Christopher Reeves recovered from his sickness and managed to speak again despite all odds, doesn't mean every other man can do that. Just because there was ONE miracle, doesn't mean there WILL be another one that so happened to be on you.
I know I should talk to a Christian person with Authority (pastor la or leader) about this. The problem is, I am close with none of these people in my entire church. I've tried talking to Pastor Guy about it, but he never got back to me after promising to call me back for another 'counselling' session. In many many months. I tried Pastor Michael Raj when he was still around, but he too, just didn't seem to see it important enough for him to remember or even jot down on a post-it note and stick it somewhere visible.
I know they are busy people and have important work to do, more important than trying to help a single person within an entire church of thousands of people. It's alright, I've begun to accept that I'm not someone anyone should care for or just wonder "how's he doing". I'm not worthy enough of people's time to be given extra energy to remember just to call.
Then what am I worthy of...? Nothing...
I know I'm getting emotional here and saying things, making them look really bad. But those are the truths (situations and my personal thoughts la, I don't know if they really don't care about me but it looks very well like it). And I AM an emotional person. Yes I have a higher tolerance for pain and emotional hurt, but it just makes all the bottling up even harder and more painful. I mentioned a depression wave coming to Jaslyn, but it got lost in the conversation. And I really don't like to repeat myself, especially things that are very important to my emotions, such as that.
Now I feel guilty, for not being able to provide for Jaslyn, and having a large amount of laziness and complacency about my condition, if anyone believes they exist at all (which I doubt anyone besides my Grandmother does). I've thought over and over again about going to a psychologist/psychiatrist to get a big fat cert certifying that "THIS PERSON HAS ADD, DO NOT EXPECT PERSON TO STAY FOCUSED ON AN UNINTERESTING BOOK FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES". THEN maybe someone would actually believe me. But what's the point? I'd just be spending more money. My mom's reluctant to supply me anything other than food and home anymore. Not reluctant, ALMOST WILL NOT. Only after taking myself out to some place far from home and I have no way to go back other than to walk and I run out of credit, will she think about providing some cash for me.
Which would come to the 2nd part of this problem - Getting a Job/Money. I need money to support Jaslyn. I need money to pay back my PTPTN loan. I need money to buy Jaslyn things that she likes. I HAVE A PHOBIA OF GOING TO WORK AND WORKING IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE I AM ALONE WITH NOBODY TO TRUST IN AND WHERE I AM EXPLOITED AND OPRESSED. I can't get a temporary job because my mom will just say "You need a real job" or "you need a PERMANENT job" or "you can't build your career out of that". I DON'T EVEN CARE about my career for damned's sake. It's not something I'm concerned with. I'm more concerned about earning enough money TO BE THERE FOR FRIENDS WHEN THEY NEED ME. That is one of the TOP priorities for GETTING A JOB. I don't friggin CARE about a career.
I'm tired. You don't think I'm tired? I'm frigging tired of hearing everyone say "You can't just sit at home and do nothing", or "Why don't you get a job?" or "That's not an excuse". Damnit do I CARE if you don't have extra sensitive emotions and a life that has been TRAUMATIZED by some people who have no regard for your feelings, to get the EXACT SAME thing at the place where you live in that's supposed to be built on the foundations of Love and Trust? NO I DON'T. BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER FELT IT, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO COME HOME EACH DAY TO KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE WHO JUST WANTS TO KICK YOU OUT AND HOPES THAT YOU DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY SO THAT THEY CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT YOU, AND HAVING THAT SOMEONE BE THE ROLE THAT YOU'VE NEVER EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, WITH YOU PUTTING HIGH HOPES ON THAT PERSON BEING YOUR ROLE MODEL AND HOPEFULLY TO REPLACE, YET HAVING YOURSELF SHOT DOWN BY THAT VERY PERSON AND HAVE YOUR ENTIRE SELF ESTEEM AND SANITY RIPPED APART BY THEM. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BETRAYED BY THE ONLY PEOPLE AROUND YOU WHOM YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TRUST WITH SECRETS THAT COULD SERIOUSLY HARM/HURT AND DESTROY YOU, HAVING THEM TELLING ON YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE SAID AND HAVING THEM LOOK AT YOU WHILE YOU GET SLAUGHTERED DOWN TO A SMALL PILE OF WEEPING TEARS.
YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD? JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS THAT TRIGGER ON THE SLIGHTEST REMARK EVEN IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE A JOKE DOESN'T MEAN IT ONLY EXISTS IN STORYBOOKS AND FAIRYTALES.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE HAS HAD SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN TO THEM DOESN'T MAKE YOURS A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE THAN THEIRS.
JUST BECAUSE YOU AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE CAN DO SOME THINGS THAT IS NORMAL FOR YOU DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FORSAKEN ROCK CAN DO JUST THAT. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DO IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN.
YOU THINK I'M PROCRASTINATING AND JUST BEING FUCKING LAZY AT HOME? YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING WITH THE PERSON I HATE THE MOST IN THIS WORLD, LIVING WITH HIM IN THE VERY SAME HOUSE? YOU THINK I LIKE THAT? YOU THINK I'M JUST MAKING THIS WHOLE 'I HAVE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA' ISSUE UP?
WELL I AM NOT! I AM NOT THAT STRONG! I AM NOT THAT STRONG-WILLED! I DON'T HAVE THE SELF-ESTEEM TO PUSH MYSELF UP! I DON'T HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE TO LIFT MY FEET OFF THE GROUND! I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO LIFT UP MY HEAD EVERY DAY AND FACE ANOTHER DAY OF HATE AND RESENTMENT TOWARDS A MAN MY GOD TELLS ME TO LOVE! I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE TOLERATING ANY OF HIS STUPID ARGUMENTS THAT ARE NOT BASED ON FACTS RATHER ON THE THINGS I HAVE DONE AND THE PAST THINGS THAT HAVE NO RELATION TO THE CURRENT SITUATION WHATSOEVER! I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO CONTINUE OPENING MY EYES TO FIND MYSELF STILL IN MY BED AND WAKING UP TO ANOTHER POTENTIAL DAY OF MORE OF THIS DREADED THING CALLED LIFE!
THE ONLY THINGS THAT DRIVE ME TO CONTINUE TO LIVE ARE GOD'S COMMANDMENTS (suicide is not allowed, 1-way ticket to hell), ME WANTING TO BE THERE FOR MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY NEED ME (I've already failed this 3 times in a row. I'm very sorry Jun. I want to make it up to you if I can), TO SUPPORT MY MOTHER AND SISTER WHEN TIME HAS PASSED, AND TO SUPPORT JASLYN! DO YOU GET THAT?
THERE IS NOTHING ELSE
THAT I LIVE FOR
I DON'T LIVE FOR MYSELF
People who chose Answer A> Degree buggers, continue reading here.
it' 4:30am. Time to go to bed. I'm just so sick and tired of everything.
But...
I thank you, Jaslyn my dearest, for loving me even with all the imperfections on me.
I thank you for wanting to help me through my... Uselessness. Yes, I am willing to try, for your sake.
Thank you... For loving me.
a person hardly anyone cares about.
God...
Bless...
Bless my friends
And my family.
I'm sorry God.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:57 am
4 Comments:
hey~ take it easy lar~ Theres always FOOD to calm ppl down =D
i know that phobia. been living with it for months. remember my part-time set-revisions-questions job? mum kept yelling at me to get a permanent job too. to the point that i'd stay away from her so that she won't be reminded that i've got no permanent job. it was torturing to live like that. hope you'll figure everything out soon. =)
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Fine...have it your way
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