Guten Dag

Had a wonderful day today (yesterday since it's 2:10am).


I just got my RM500 pay for my freelance side project for my aunt. Wheeeeeeee!

Need to set aside a sum for my grandmother, since I promised to treat her to a meal with it. Hope RM 100 will do.

Need to set about RM100 (hopefully it's not more than that) for PTPTN loan repayment. Wud like Mom to help out with this, but I doubt she would.

The rest of the RM300 was spent TODAY! XD (my mom is so gonna kill me for that)





Today, I went out (on an unofficial date) with CNJC (figure out the initials XP). It's her birthday on 30th September, so I went with her to bagi her b'day present (or more or less XP).


So first I woke up at 8:30am (supposed to wake up at 9am, but I just automatically woke up, so lazed a bit before brushing teeth. She was supposed to gimme a call at 9am, but she overslept and called me at 9:10am? :P) Drove off with mah wallet filled with me RM500 (a little less cuz I bought a new handsfree kit the day before cuz my old one's spoilt), and went to her house XD


Went up, and was greeted by her brother. Played her DS while waiting for her to complete her bath and change (I didn't notice her fiinish bathing @@ oh well). We cabutted a bit late from the schedule I drew up. Went to pump petrol into HER car, and she drove us to Times Square XD

Parked there and reached Masjid Jamek LRT station at 11:18am (supposed to be there at 11am to meet with HR whom CNJC was supposed to help select cloth for his cosplay). We walked around KL to Kamdar (I can still backtrack there, but I won't be able to piece it into my mental map @@) and bought some cloth there AFTER buying CNJC's cloth at Nagoya (another cloth shop). Then we went to the Slave & Mistress building (S&M) and ate lunch there (wanted to see my tailor but she shifted @@). I had pork ribs! THEY WERE GOOOD! Ate my balls, CNJC's balls and her phish stick as well. So I ate my own balls, her balls, and her stick. She said she got it from e-bay.

Aaaaaaaanyway, we then went to buy some floss (candy floss, dental floss, nah it's the crossstich floss thread thing) for CNJC's gift for birthday, and went back to the tailor (which we went to earlier but she was out). Gave cloth and pictures, she took measurements, and we were rid of HR! YAY (rofl he has some mental probs but he's an ok guy. a mite weird, but I'm weird so.. yeah...)

Then we ran back to Times Square (walked), looked for leather gloves for my cosplay (and gave up cuz the cheapest was RM59 @@). Just remembered about ice cream, so we walked to Starhill (omg so far i wanted to monorail from TS but CNJC said just walk so we walked @@).

Reached there, thought it was closed and went into starhill. CNJC wanted to buy me some Patchi chocolates (choc house?), but they shifted to KLCC. So we just went back out to Lecka Lecka which WASN'T closed. Got her two scoops of Strawberry ice cream (omg so friggin sour... doesn't mean I don't like XP), and got tiramisu for myself (she wanted to try :P). Tasted of coffee so she didn't like it.


Ugh my head hurtz... having headache now @@


Anyway, to continue, we walked BACK to times square (walked through Sungei Wang, she got a call from WDT so stopped for a good 10-15 mins i think while they talked on phone abt sum personal issues), got into car and went back to her house. She dropped off her car and the stuff she bought, and we went off for 1-Utama.

Highways were Straberry-Jammed Packed, but we made it there in a short time anyways. Last highway had an accident, so jam was heavier than normal.

Showed CNJC the cute cute cute cute cute cute cute HERMIT CRABBBS! XD XD XD THey're SOOOO CUTE!!!!! (She didn't seem to like them rofl). Then went down to pets wonderland to gawk at the animals and torment the birds. Walked around looking for 2 birthday presents (cuz I hadn't got any for the other 2 birthday kids), but phailed. So we went into Shogun and we ate dinnah!


DINNAH WAS GEWD! Ate and ate and ate and ate and ate... Sashimi was fresh! Really really fresh! They had sharks fin soup! (with fake sharks fin i think, the taste wasn't there) And I ate about 5-6 rounds of main course! CNJC was stunned by the amount I ate (and speed too, since I ate i think more than twice the speed as she did...). Normal la, my stomach... I didn't over eat to the point I cudn't sit or walk today... So I guess I practiced some self control! :D (bill came up ato RM120. Doesn't matter. I GOT SUSHI!! And CNJC was happy :D).


I bought a BIG FAT BLACK mug for the burfday boy (it's really really REALLY big) and a cute chihuahua dog wit a nodding head for the girl. I like the dog @@.


Anyway, sent CNJC back to her house. Wanted to leave her at the door and say gnite, but her parents saw us at the lift, and asked us to go for a mamak session with them @@ So I went :D


Talked talked talked... I think her parents didn't like the fact that I had been bumming since February XD;; rofl I'm sure that turned it off... Oh well. Nice going, me. lalalala.... Anyway I had a Teh Tarik. CNJC's STILL amazed at the amount I'm able to stuff down my throat.... I even finished her drink which had 3/4 left ROFL.


Came home... Now am tired, having a headache, my hair's wet, and I gotta wake up early again soon cuz friend needs a lift somewhere (they're willing to pay for petrol so yeah whatever. I love driving my friends around :D get to chat!).






Since I was requested (cuz I asked if wanted), I'll post some more personal stuff here...


Truthfully, I have to say I've got the feelings for her. I like her and her personality, she's cute and cuddly (ROFL) and nie to chat with... She's not so good at listening, but I shouldn't be such an attention whore either. I want to get up with her and hopefully make her happy. She's been down for so long, it just hurts me to see her continue like that. Her food life has been deteriorating, she hasn't been eating right (I value food a lot okay???), her nutrition just isn't right (she's been complaining abt joint pains). Plus I just discovered her immediate background recently... And I really... Feel for her, to say the least.

I don't know though. I'm really scared about this. The last time I got into a relationship, it was because I pitited her. She was my friend, and I didn't want her to feel hurt. Yet when we were together, I felt nothing. There wasn't any fire on my side. It was just... Nothing. And I hurt her. I might have even been responsible for her change in character, in which if I was, I'd feel even more guilty.

She's been hurt before. Her last relationship wasn't exactly good, and in turn she feels the brunt of it. I HATE seeing her like that. I really HATE it. It just.... Kills me to read her journal posts and taking in all the hurt I read. Her home status doesn't seem to help either. I really really want to help... But....

I'm really really really scared. If I hurt CNJC, I don't know how I'd forgive myself. That's probably why I have forbidden myself from relationships for so long (i think it's 2 years or more now). I'm feeling really lonely now, and my distance in relationship with God isn't helping either. My job depression and status just makes things worse.

Now that I feel that I have something going for her, I feel a need and urgency to get a job. Just so that I can make her happy. She has so many hurts and desires that I just want to fill. I might be tossed aside and left along again, but it doesn't really matter. I've been hurt before, I can be hurt again. I'll always rise up to continue no matter what. But not everyone has my resillience. I don't... want her to be hurt... I don't want her to feel depressed, sad and lonely.

Yet...

I'm not sure if I love her...

For I know not what is Love any longer. I forgot what it felt like to be in love. I felt betrayed and abused in the past. Betrayed and abused by the thing I thought had to be love. I know the love of a mother, I know the love of a grandmother, I know the love of my sister.

But I know not, the love for a spouse.

Even I who claims to know so much more than others about so many things... Don't know what is love, and how it feels like...

Yet... I get a slight vibe from her... That I COULD take it further and somewhere... That she IS willing to give it a try. (Unless she feeds every other guy ice-cream... Which I doubt. I hope.) I... I want to make it perfect, I want to make it right. There have been so many wrong turns, yet I just HAVE to make it right. Right for her. Timing is of absolute importance... But can I make the right turn at the right time...?

This post in itself is a jump forward. Whether I land in the ditch or on safe ground... Depends entirely on God now. She's reading this post as I'm editing this... And... Yeah...



But today is not about me. Today is about her.

Today will be about her.

I can only pray I have made her happy. I was born to make my friends happy. I was born to make the people around me happy. I was given the gift of edification, of somehow being there for someone and consoling them, giving them strength and lifting them up from their fallen states.

I WAS born to make you happy.



Now who will make me... Happy...?


God..?





Bless my Blog Readers, God.

And more-ever,

Bless CNJC.

That she may grow ever stronger in You.

That she may come to love You, in a way that I do not know how.

Have Your way I pray.

For I am but Your servant, dirty and broken.

I only ask that You will use me in my unsightly state... In whichever way is possible...

I pray that You'll help her to grow and remain by her side.

And let her know that it is YOU oh Lord, that has remained faithful to her throughout the years.

The in for every last wrong turn she made

The last turn put her with me

Use me Lord, to make her happy.

Use me oh Lord, to make her happy.

In this, I pray, in the name of blessed Jesus Christ,

Amen.



P.S. Btw, Guten Dag means Good Day in German.