Talk About the Bugs and the Bees

I know it's Birds and Bees. It was random.

Maybe not so very random. Was thinking about relationships, sex, friendships and families and stuff before writing this blog. I guess it IS about the bugs and the bees.

But bees are bugs. Maybe Bugs and Trees?

Whatever.





Do I ask a lot from friendships?

I don't know. But it seems like I do.

Everywhere I go, when I hang out with friends whether it's in real life or just chatting on the internet on msn or mirc,

I always seem to have this invisible note stuck on my back that says "Kick me".

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, people always just seem to do exactly that - Kick me.

They tease, sometimes torture (cuz to them it's still teasing), they (cybernetically, meaning on the internet) kick me and call me names that I get offended at and they KNOW I get offended at, they don't apologise

It's like I have a "kick me" sign walking through a herd of barbarians that read english.

I don't get it.

From Primary school through secondary and college and even now, people still make fun of me, tease me and simply, "Kick Me".

Why...?

Do I really ask that much as a friend? So much that it provokes people to release their tention and annoyance at me?

I mean if we're talking privately and they release their emotions by raising their voice in show of annoyance towards a certain situation in their life, I understand that. It always happens and friends who come to me just to let it all out and talk do that. It's understandable, it's all part of 'talking to a friend'. I can understand that. I can accept that.

But otherwise, whether I'm in college or I'm on irc, I always get bullied. I always get teased, I always get kicked.

Otherwise, no one hardly even notices me. Not anyone.

I'm like a transparent guy walking around with a note bearing "Fucking Kick Me Damnit" that is all but visible to me.

I don't get it.

And I hate it.



When I play the online game "Utopia", I get respected. I have some very good insight about the game, I play it well, and I've had my fair share of experience.

I am respected.

But whenever I play interactive mmoporpgs like Ragnarok Online, I get that invisible "kick me" sign. It's much less in RO, since I've got a much higher knowledge about RO than most of the people I know who play it, and the girls + some of the guys I know respect me.

Otherwise, it's just plain old same thing.


I really don't get it.

Do I emit an aura that says "please bully me because everyone else does"?





I just don't get it. It's unfair to me, and I being an emotional person get hurt easilly by it. I don't show it cuz I can take it in (and leave it in there to fester and grow into anger and sometimes hatred), but that still doesn't mean I don't have feelings. Why can't people understand that?



The possibly only uplifting moment of the day was chatting with a friend whom I thought had backstabbed on me.

Well he did in a sense. It's a long story about me getting into a tv series project thing where I wasn't informed of anything and I only realised that I was replaced when I investigated the matter by myself without anyone telling me anything. When I asked him about the matter then, he said he didn't know much either (he was the assistant head and didn't know much? wth). When I asked the head about what was happening and told him I knew I was replaced, he said they didn't have time to get around to telling me I was replaced, and said that there were some things that I didn't need to know.

There is NO WAY you can be an assistant head and don't know anything. ESPECIALLY when you're sitting in the SAME ROOM with the team I was working with's REPLACEMENTS.

Anyway, I told him why I was doubtful of him. I may be emotional and all which many guys call it being sissy and behaving like a girl. But when I need to confront a person about my insecutiry from his actions, I do it outright. I want answers and if you give me one that can satisfy me, then I'll forgive and apologise. I may be emotional but I'm still a man and a person.

Anyway anyway... He apologised. He said that he didn't realise it and had made that wrong towards me.

That was all I wanted to hear.

I guess I have that soft spot, a weakness to some maybe. But he apologised, and God is a God of second chances, so I gave him a second chance.

And when I said that "I'm all emotional and stuff and guys even our classmates see it as being sissy-ish and always say 'stop acting like a girl'", he said:

"We all have that in ourselves, guy or girl. Guys just don't want to admit it. They don't dare to You're a better person because you can."

That was probably the only uplifting moment in today's life.




And I still like CNJC.

I don't know if she knows, if she can read small hints well she should know by now.

But I can't get into a relationship. Not just yet.

I don't dare to.

I'm not ready for one.



I'm not WORTHY for one.

Not for any girl on earth.




God...

Even my parents seem to do the same to me at times...

Will You kick me too...?