Life oh Life, oh~~ life~~~ oh Life. Dudududu. Crabs.

i have no life lala i have no life


i was so looking forward to a karaoke session tonight that had been planned since chinese new year.


then it flopped. cuz i think only 3 ppl (inclusive of me and organizer) were going, methinks. so it was cancelled.


i don't even know why I felt so disappointed after that. but it was a horrible feeling. all that hyped up adrenaline and endorphins just *POOF*ed into nothingness.

nothingness.

now i realise. in a way, i really have no life.



i was talking with someone earlier today on msn about some stuff. somehow or other, it came to me saying this line:

"I don't know the way you see life. But as for me according to my understand (and belief), there's only 1 person who can make me feel complete. And that's God."


i realise.

i don't feel complete.

i don't feel whole.

i feel like there's this really HUUUUGE hole gaping hole inside me that's sucking at my life force, and continues to suck and suck and suck and okay this is starting to sound serong.

i may pray to God, i may give thanks for the food, i may preach Christianity.

but when it comes right down to it...

i'm hardly a Christian.

i commit one of the 7 deadly sins almost every day.
i don't have God in my heart, or in my life. The only place He resides in atm is my mind, that's continually trying to understand Him.
i don't love God. i don't understand love. i can't say that i love God if i don't understand love.

i've been searching with my head so much that it aches. and it tires.

i want to experience Him so badly. but when it comes to letting go... there are just so many things that i don't think i can truly let go. and the thing is i believe that i have to let go of all these things before i can experience God. yet i can't let them go.

actually.. more accurately...

i WON'T let them go...

so my understanding is that if i don't let these go, nothing's going to change...

but why is that? why can't things change little by little, and i learn to let them go little by little?

why must i instantaneously release EVERYTHING before i get to feel God...?

why...?



why is it that no matter how much i give an ear to or lend a shoulder to people...

why is it that i can never find one in return when i truly need one so badly...?



*sigh*

guess that's just my life

i'll live. i guess. even if i tired and wear out so badly that i just wish i could die

i'll live. my reason for being in this existence is to make people happy.

i don't know if i'm really doing that though. sometimes i feel like i'm nothing but an utter complete failure.

i just...

i just wish... someone would just come up to me and give me a long warm hug and say "it's okay. you need it."

okay maybe we'll keep that to a girl gender specific yeah. i don't particularly like guys touching me. seriously. cooties. lol.



i don't even know why i'm doing it
i just know that... it hurts
and almost every time, i don't know if she even feels a tinge of guilt about it
i'm probably desperate
can't let go
and well
she's my friend
and i guess i'll continue being her friend too
cuz that's what friends do
that's what i do

somewhere in the universe, a star lost its light.

look up into the night sky, and if you see any stars, thank Him for putting them there for they look ever so magnificent, and thank Him for givin you the eyes to see them.

cuz if you're blind, you won't be reading my blog. ahahaha



Gnite God

Gnite guys. and sexy gals. c'mon, all gals who reads my blog are sexy without question kay. :)