Wakenai Du Foyu? (Namida Ga Ochiru)

Tired, semi-hungry, feeling a little lonely, unappreciated, slightly ignored... The list goes on.

It's times like these I really wish I had a twin sister. Basically a me, but of the opposite gender.

WITHOUT my weight. Definitely without my 80kgs >_>;;

To talk to, relate to, share with, cry on, to hug and feel the warmth...

Then again, I'd probably have committed incest with her a long time ago if I actually had a twin sister. Probably why I don't have one. Same probability of the reason for why a friend also doesn't have one. Probably the main reason why the rest of the world doesn't have one.

Bleh.

But that's why people have a bf/gf. They come into the picture for you to cry on, to pamper you, to love and care for you, to shower you with appreciation and kisses...

To try to fill in the gaps in life that you want ever so much to be filled.



I feel like I've drifted apart from God again.

I... I really don't feel like a Christian anymore.

I mean... I pray before meals (sometimes halfway through...), I pray before I sleep (I tend to miss this now and then ><), I do my best not to lie, I do my best to keep to the commandments...

But... It somehow just doesn't feel the same as before. When I was younger, I felt vibrant and alive, I KNEW I was filled with the Holy Spirit, that God was on my side, that I dared to make a stand BECAUSE He was with me, I attended camps, I went for Bible classes...

Now...? I really feel this heavy gaping vacuum that's trying to suck everything in. While I could say it's probably just a phase of depression, but I cannot deny the possibility of the other.

Aih...



I still don't understand God's love.

Too many questions linger in my head unanswered (or at least not given a satisfying answer), too many thoughts wandering around unattended, too many situations to predict outcomes...

I want a break... From my mind.

Right now, at this moment, I seriously wish my mind would stop thinking, for like a day. And let me rest.



God

I think... I feel... That you've withdrawn Yourself from me...

I feel like I've lost You...

Is it possible for my sins to have covered the East to the West...?

Is it possible that... I've lost my salvation...?

I want to see You... To meet You face to face...

I wouldn't care if I would die and incinerate on the spot or whatever else that could and/or would happen to me...

I just... Want to see You...

And be calmed...

And be rested...

All my worries fading away...

All my unsettled thoughts ceasing to move, tucking themselves away into a corner of my mind and leaving only my thoughts of You...

God...

At this point...

With everything put together...

It seems like...

I want to die...

And see You...

Please help me, God...

Please, don't leave me or forsake me...

No matter how much I work at it, no matter how much effort I put into making myself a person people would want to remember for the rest of their lives

even if I succeed, I am still nothing without You...

With You, maybe I'll at least make a speck of difference in people's lives... Depending on whether I am fit to carry out Your work...

But even a speck... Is better than nothing...

God...

Save me...

From...

Myself...