The Past, The Present, and the Noodles that I just Ate.

I just read through someone's blogpost.

And I'll have to admit. I'm rather jealous.

I'm jealous of anyone having childhood friends (besides the fact that I have this understanding that most childhood friends are just bad influences to those who are currently my friends... No offence meant here, it's just that it's happened TWICE, and it's seriously tiring because they trust their delinquent childhood friend more than they trust anyone else who tries to tell them what they're doing is wrong). I'm jealous of anyone having friends whom since primary school till now have remained close friends and do things together.

I'm jealous of people who have secondary school friends who still get together often, swap information, go out together to have fun, and do all the kind of things friends do together. Often.


I guess it's because I don't really have any friends like that. Friends who'll just invite me out on a whim to whisk me off to some random location to have fun.

That and I don't have one that has lasted since primary school. Or secondary school for that matter. Yes I DO still meet up with my primary school friends once in a while... It's just that it's not a really personal thing you know? They have their own cliques and groups, and this whole primary school thing is just another one of them. We're not like a closeknit family group happy thingy or anything like that.

I just wish sometimes I was in something like that...

haha... well recently I HAVE been in some sorta dysfunctional group... But lately things haven't been well since someone has been an ass, and the rest of us are reaching the limit to try to understand and be good friends, and...

Let's just say that nobody's perfect. And even though we aren't, we try to work towards perfection. And sometimes some people just inspire themselves to make things worse for other people at those other people's expense. And at the expense of their own friends knowing they are doing horrible things to others. It's taxing on their friends' moral values and beliefs, seriously it is. Friends try to advise and tell not to do such things. Nodding and saying yes and DOING it are two different things however, and the former would be the chosen action. As they say, stupidity knows no bounds. But I'd like to add that 'Idiocity' knows no limitations either.


Anyway back to the topic...

Well... I guess sometimes I really wish for a 'best friend'. Someone who'll hang out often, share some interests, do things together, haf fun together, and all that things you do with friends, difference being he/she does it more with you than anyone else does.

But haha... I'm not someone people would want to dedicate time and sweat to. Guess in the end I'm probably just not worth it. I try to sacrifice time, sweat, blood and worry my head off for people, but in the end nobody bothers to talk to me when I need someone to.

But I'm a guy. I should be strong right? Yeah, I should be. No matter what breaks me on the inside, I have to be strong on the outside. No matter how badly burnt, slashed, pounded and charred on the inside, what I show outside is what's important. Isn't it? Because if I don't, people run away from me.


*sigh*


It's tiring trying to live life being fueled by pure willpower to want to see a better day for OTHER people instead of your own. But when you know the chances of your own being better is miniscular because you can't do anything about it compared to other people where you CAN do something about it... To a certain extent, I guess it's worth dragging my feet for. Maybe one day... Maybe one day, I'll grow into the positive energy I seem to be giving out. It's a wonder I'm still being seen as a positive energy person, I thought all of that would've been given off a while ago. Ahaha.


No, I can't leave my home. For the sake of my family's peace and tranquility (what little I get once in a while), for the sake of the hope that my mom's efforts to 'repair' this family depends on, for the sake of my mom's spiritual growth to not falter now...

I can't. I just simply can't. Call it stupid, call it 'looking for excuses', I don't care. I'm not even thinking about hoping to look 'selfless' and 'sacrificial' or anything like that. I just know that if I DO leave, there is a large chance that things will crumble. And because I love my mom and my sister, I can't allow that to happen. Even if it breaks me completely, I won't allow that. They're too precious to me.

Even if it breaks me completely.


My life has not been lived for myself for some time now. It's for my mom, my sister, and the friends I know whom I may be able to help in any way possible.

If what I've been doing has been helpful at all. Haha... From the way some people treat me, it's as if I'm nothing more than an acquaintance at times... But I guess recognition isn't something I should be looking for. Repayment isn't something I should want.

But knowing that they'd WANT to repay me is nice... I wouldn't accept some of course (I mean if I lent out 2k bucks of course I expect to be repayed la... haha), it's just not right. If they insisted... I guess I can't help that right? :) I mean I'd insist on repaying someone's kindness too if I could... .__. hypocrite >_>


Anyway it's late. I don't even know what my title means haha. Other than the bowl of instant noodles I just finished... 2 packets! xD


G'nite God.

Please bless my blogreaders, and my friends.

And of course, bless my mom and my sister.

I know I don't show it a lot... But I love them both to bits.

Really I do.

Really really.