A Father's Love

I was watching The Simpsons S03E06. The story was about Krusty the Clown, who did not receive the love of his father, and was disowned when he was very young, for pursuing the career of a clown (his father was a jewish rabbi and wanted him to be the same).

It was then that I felt it.

I cried.

I realised, after finishing the cartoon, that I lack that.

I wanted it.

A father's love.


I've never felt the love of a father. Never. Neither of my fathers (real and step) have been there for me as a father. Being a growing boy, I had no one to model myself after, no one to look up to, no one to aspire to be.

I grew up idol-less, and ambition-less. There was no one I wanted to become, no one I wanted to be like.

I grew up with individuality; cherishing it every step of the way. I took pride in wanting to become who I was, and not somebody else. I shunned those who sought to become like someone. I urged others to become a person of their own; to be special, someone nobody else ever could be. That was my inspiration. That was my source of motivation. That was how I motivated others. Be who you are, and carve your own path in history, that you may be forever known as who you are, and never like someone else.

But at the end, the losing one was still me. I had no one to guide me as I charted my course. I had no one to teach me to navigate the stars, or lower the sails. None to teach me to fish. All this, I had to learn on my own. There's only so much a mother can teach a son; and I don't mean that in any way that demotes my mom, she's done so much for me. But there are some things a mother can't teach a son. Like how to be a man. How to take charge of a family, and of his life.

I yearned for a father.

Make God my rolemodel?

Impossible.

God is perfection. He is God. He is everything, and I am nothing. How can I ever aspire to be anything like Him? It is a goal that will never be fulfilled, destination that was destined never to be reached.

And if I can never reach my goal...

How can I motivate myself to try?



Oh God...

I know You are, above all, my Father in Heaven.

But there is just such distance between us that... That only Jesus could have bridged.

And yet, Jesus is not here today.

I cannot embrace my Father in Heaven, feeling His warmth on my cheeks, and His arms around me.

I have not the faith to be able to see You, talk WITH You, and touch You whenever I wish to.

How then do I see You as my Father, who'll teach me what to do, as a man?



How then, will I ever be a father to my children, if the only thing my fathers in my life have done is abandon me?

I pray O Lord

Curse me that I will never be a father who could treat his children in such a bad way

or ever abandon them, ever.

If that should be a blessing, then I feel that I am not worthy. But if You will, please, bless me to never abandon or leave my children, or my wife. Or my family.

Bless me to love my wife as You would love Your wife: the church.


~~~~

Also God...

I'm afraid to take this any further.

I'm barely a friend to her. I barely know anything about her. And yet, I want to get into a relationship with her.

I don't know how to stop myself. When I talk to her, I get awkward. I keep asking her questions about herself; some private too. I'm NOT being a friend. I'm being a creepy stalker.

God, I'm incapable of making this work. Not by my capabilities, not by my abilities.

I believe that only YOU can make this work.

Should You want this to work.

She's Your child.

I'd like to try to get to know her more.

If You'll allow me, please give me Your consent, and your blessings. Please let me know.

Please let her know too...

I promise to do everything I can to make her happy.

I promise to take care of her in every way I know how.

I promise to never make her cry, unless it's important.

I promise to do my best to be as great a courtier, as You are.

I know that it's an impossible goal, but... For her, I could try. I'd risk the failure to try.

I... I promise to get to know You more too.

Please teach me to open up to You.



Goodnight God...