The Reason I Don't Talk
There's a reason for me wanting to keep my problems to myself.
It's not because I WANT to wallow in self-pity, or just don't trust people. In fact I trust people too easily. And no, it's not because I've been hurt by people backstabbing me so many times because I'm so open and trusting.
It's because... I don't need to be told that it's my mistake and made to feel the guilt more than ever.
I already know it's my mistake. If it's not my mistake, I wouldn't even have that problem in the first place. I know it's my mistake, and I regret it. I've paid dearly for it, physically and very very much more emotionally. You don't know what I go through every time I make a stupid mistake like waking up late, then getting stuck in a jam and not being able to be at the place I've promised to be at said time. I feel guilty for 'lying' about being there on time, I feel the guilt of not being able to fulfill my responsibilities, I feel the disappointment I have in myself for not being able to do what is required of me to WAKE up on time, every moment, every second of the day after that is filled with guilt, disappointment, anger at myself, hopelessness, uselessness, despair, demotivation, distress, and ultimately, depression. There are times I even cry to myself in the car while driving.
And yes, I'm writing this post, at this time, because I've failed to be at an agreed place at an agreed time. I could blame it on my neck in which I pulled a muscle earlier... But if I told the only two people I can talk to about it, they'd both still tell me it's my fault.
Yeah... I know. It's my fault. It doesn't matter what emotional state I am in, the answer still doesn't change. I'd appreciate some kind words and maybe a hug. But the only 2 people I'd ever tell all this to, will probably just lecture and nag at me instead.
It makes me smile, knowing that through all this time I've known them they still haven't changed. And yes, I usually just smile when she tells me it's all my own damn fault. Yet it kills me inside, knowing I won't be getting the consolation and hug that I'd hope for.
And no, it's not that easy for me to just move on. If it were that easy, I'd already have moved on by the time I finish typing this post, and wouldn't need to post it.
yours blogfully,
me.
It's not because I WANT to wallow in self-pity, or just don't trust people. In fact I trust people too easily. And no, it's not because I've been hurt by people backstabbing me so many times because I'm so open and trusting.
It's because... I don't need to be told that it's my mistake and made to feel the guilt more than ever.
I already know it's my mistake. If it's not my mistake, I wouldn't even have that problem in the first place. I know it's my mistake, and I regret it. I've paid dearly for it, physically and very very much more emotionally. You don't know what I go through every time I make a stupid mistake like waking up late, then getting stuck in a jam and not being able to be at the place I've promised to be at said time. I feel guilty for 'lying' about being there on time, I feel the guilt of not being able to fulfill my responsibilities, I feel the disappointment I have in myself for not being able to do what is required of me to WAKE up on time, every moment, every second of the day after that is filled with guilt, disappointment, anger at myself, hopelessness, uselessness, despair, demotivation, distress, and ultimately, depression. There are times I even cry to myself in the car while driving.
And yes, I'm writing this post, at this time, because I've failed to be at an agreed place at an agreed time. I could blame it on my neck in which I pulled a muscle earlier... But if I told the only two people I can talk to about it, they'd both still tell me it's my fault.
Yeah... I know. It's my fault. It doesn't matter what emotional state I am in, the answer still doesn't change. I'd appreciate some kind words and maybe a hug. But the only 2 people I'd ever tell all this to, will probably just lecture and nag at me instead.
It makes me smile, knowing that through all this time I've known them they still haven't changed. And yes, I usually just smile when she tells me it's all my own damn fault. Yet it kills me inside, knowing I won't be getting the consolation and hug that I'd hope for.
And no, it's not that easy for me to just move on. If it were that easy, I'd already have moved on by the time I finish typing this post, and wouldn't need to post it.
yours blogfully,
me.
posted by Liil Masks at 5:42 PM
1 Comments:
*Hugs* - may not be from the two people you mentioned but from an aunt who cares. Hope you can overcome your "waking up" problem. Will keep you in my prayers. God bless...
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