Depression Attack

It's been a while since I've had such a bad one. Actually, I've never had such a bad one. To the point of hyperventilation. It wasn't like I was breathing too fast, I was breathing too deep. And too fast for that depth at least

I'm not even sure what triggered it. It just came, tears kept rolling down, and I was driving a little scarily. Very scarily. I gripped the steering wheel tightly for fear of losing control of the wheel. My speed kept going up to 120kph. My emotions were sinking fast.

I thank God I got home safe.

I knew I had to talk to Him about it. I was still afraid. Still apprehensive on trying to approach Him. Like I should handle my own problems. Things out of my control, I can release it to Him. But things that should be under my control... That's what we have brains for right

I tried. To talk to her about it. I said I got hit by a "wave" again. Even though I've told her many times that it meant a depression wave, she still had to ask what wave. Fine, I explained, depression wave. More like attack

"Okay... And?"

And

And you know, ask me what happened? Am I alright? How am I feeling right now? Can you tell me about it

No. Just "And?"

My unstable emotions flared up and I sorta lashed at her. For not being sensitive. For not showing concern. For not understanding what her words meant

I wasn't looking for an answer. I wasn't asking her to fix anything. I just wanted to talk it out with her. Before I talk to Him.

But I forgot that she probably still had work mode on. Or that she really is more a man in sensitivity than woman. That she's a fixer, not a listener. I told her about what was wrong with the words she used, but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she refused to listen.

*sigh*

I guess that's why people turn to drugs.

I guess amidst my unstable emotions, I lashed out and lost control of myself and my understanding of people.

See why I'm so afraid of losing control?

I'm afraid of losing the people around me. Because I know if I lost control of myself, they will probably just run. Or leave.

And I don't have the faith to feel Him always beside me.

I don't ever want to lose control again.

Good thing I can't seem to get drunk.