Broken
I can't stop thinking about her
Her life may be very closely integrated with his.
But my thoughts are closely integrated with her...
And I am sure, hers to me.
I can't. I can't stop. I've tried, believe me I have tried.
The only time I stop thinking about her is when I'm gaming.
Or reading. Basically my hyper focus moments. But I hardly ever do read anymore.
I can't go on like this. I don't know how to stop. I can't stop caring. can't stop loving. Can't stop thinking about her. Every damned thing I do reminds me of her. Every damned thing.
My prayers... are all for her, and about her.
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop the pain. It hurts so much. Every time something reminds me that I can never have her, the downward spiral of my thought process begins and in a few seconds, I feel tears welling and that hole in my chest reappearing, reminding me that it's never left, merely forgotten for a while.
But I don't want to stop caring. I love her, damnit. And she isn't in a place that's bettor off for her. She's in a place that's much worse and she's wholly unhappy, tired, stressed, and unrested. No sleep at night. No relief in the waking moments. No nothing.
Why God!? Why did You have to let this happen!? You have infinite knowledge and the power to change the cosmos. Why couldn't You just make her learn what she had to and left her with me!?
If she were to move on to greener pastures, then I would let her go. If she's better and happier, then I would release her.
But she's not! She's worse off! She trusts no one now! What life is that? Nobody understands her, and the only one who does is fated to forever only witness her regression, decay, and demise.
I want to die.
It hurts. So bad.
I want to die.
Die to my emotions and desires. Die to who I am. I'm content with living my life as a robot. Doing God's will. Whatever. I don't care what He wants me to do, I'll just do it. So long as I'm void of emotions and will.
I can't take it.
I want
To die.
How can I ever love another?
It seems, at this moment, that I would be shortchanging this other woman if I ever do find another. My heart is so closely knit to her, I can't even see a future without her.
I can't even start to think of life cutting her off of mine entirely. I can't. I refuse to. I've tried, but my mind refuses. My heart refuses. My spirit doesn't seem willing either. Don't even talk about the flesh.
Thinking that she may give her body to him, perhaps in some distant future, disgusts me. I feel reviled by it. The image that comes into my head makes me want to vomit.
I'm broken. Beyond the repair of humans and time.
I
Want
To
Die.
God.
What use am I?
Her life may be very closely integrated with his.
But my thoughts are closely integrated with her...
And I am sure, hers to me.
I can't. I can't stop. I've tried, believe me I have tried.
The only time I stop thinking about her is when I'm gaming.
Or reading. Basically my hyper focus moments. But I hardly ever do read anymore.
I can't go on like this. I don't know how to stop. I can't stop caring. can't stop loving. Can't stop thinking about her. Every damned thing I do reminds me of her. Every damned thing.
My prayers... are all for her, and about her.
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop the pain. It hurts so much. Every time something reminds me that I can never have her, the downward spiral of my thought process begins and in a few seconds, I feel tears welling and that hole in my chest reappearing, reminding me that it's never left, merely forgotten for a while.
But I don't want to stop caring. I love her, damnit. And she isn't in a place that's bettor off for her. She's in a place that's much worse and she's wholly unhappy, tired, stressed, and unrested. No sleep at night. No relief in the waking moments. No nothing.
Why God!? Why did You have to let this happen!? You have infinite knowledge and the power to change the cosmos. Why couldn't You just make her learn what she had to and left her with me!?
If she were to move on to greener pastures, then I would let her go. If she's better and happier, then I would release her.
But she's not! She's worse off! She trusts no one now! What life is that? Nobody understands her, and the only one who does is fated to forever only witness her regression, decay, and demise.
I want to die.
It hurts. So bad.
I want to die.
Die to my emotions and desires. Die to who I am. I'm content with living my life as a robot. Doing God's will. Whatever. I don't care what He wants me to do, I'll just do it. So long as I'm void of emotions and will.
I can't take it.
I want
To die.
How can I ever love another?
It seems, at this moment, that I would be shortchanging this other woman if I ever do find another. My heart is so closely knit to her, I can't even see a future without her.
I can't even start to think of life cutting her off of mine entirely. I can't. I refuse to. I've tried, but my mind refuses. My heart refuses. My spirit doesn't seem willing either. Don't even talk about the flesh.
Thinking that she may give her body to him, perhaps in some distant future, disgusts me. I feel reviled by it. The image that comes into my head makes me want to vomit.
I'm broken. Beyond the repair of humans and time.
I
Want
To
Die.
God.
What use am I?
posted by Liil Masks at 10:44 am
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