Loneliness Knows Me By Name
Yes yes I know it's a song title from one of the Backside Boys (I mean Backstreet Boys) albums... But I really like the title >< Blame me and my likes towards nostalgic/depressive words...
Anyway...
I still have the ring that HM gave me. It still sits on my ring finger every day. Maybe that's what keeps me from letting her go and moving on. Maybe if I let the ring fall into my 'treasure box' and keep it there, I'll be able to let her go. (But if I let her go, I will never know, what my life could be holding her close to me~~)
But then again... It could be something else...
I've felt very lonely for the past few days/weeks/months. Very lonely indeed. If it's one thing I really don't like, it's being single (besides a particular someone).
I'm not one who enjoys a life without cares and concerns. I'm not one who can just be free and do whatever I like without any worries or any troubles.
I've got to have someone to care for, someone to love and be concerned about.
Not just the kind of amount I give to my closest of friends (I'm amazed that I can say I have some, and I'd say YOU'D be amazed about the amount I'd give for them).
I'm talking about the kind of amount I'd give to the girl I want to call my own. The girl of my dreams come true and more. The girl...
The girl that God wishes for me to be with... I guess...
That's what I'm waiting for. Though I know it myself that I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility, I really really want to know and love the girl I'll be spending the rest of my life with right now. At this very moment.
Why so fast, you ask? Why so early?
It's like this. When I'm alone (single), my emotions tend to start to run wild. I've already 'fallen in love' (more like got infatuated) with a number of girls, hoping that it'll last forever and yet somehow knowing that it won't. I guess you could say I develop feelings too easilly. Let a girl chat with me a little longer and deeper than the surface and I may start developing feelings. It's that easy... Maybe I'm just too cheap...
Not recently, but since last year, I've been having feelings for this girl. I'll call her MOD (Yes start guessing. Modulator perhaps? =.=). From afar, I could see that she's got a really nice personality. Her features are pretty attractive too. She's got a good heart, and though she can be quite a bad girl at times (well, look at me then think of what I'd say is a bad girl), she's really sweet and caring. There are of course things about her that I dont' like (which is all included in the bad girl part), but hey, I can't expect anyone to be perfect.
Up until recently, my feelings have grown for her. There was a time this year when my feelings for her went down. This I would say is mainly thanks to her help. I was confused about us being quite close and yet not in any relationship at all. So I took the step and questioned. I already knew the answer, but I just wanted to make sure. I was correct. Ever since then, she toned down a lot on me.
But then, we're back to that place again. Heck, we've got a lot in common. Things that I've really wanted in a girl are in her. And these things that she has that I look for are not really some common things. It's very very rare. Yet she has them. We can relate in many ways...
Still... I can't make a move. I don't DARE to make a move. I've lost many friendships because I made the move. I don't want to lose another one, and definitely not this one. I'm hurt when I know that there are barriers I must stick to whenever I see her. Yet, I know I'll hurt more if I make a move, and it fails - just like every other one I've been in.
And worse still, it'll hurt her too. That's something I really don't want.
Enough about that. I'll just leave it there. She's got a boyfriend anyway, and I believe she really likes him a lot. Whatever happens in her future, I hope that she follow's the way God wants her to. Right now, I believe she isn't. I just hope and pray that she will.
Just went shisha earlier. Though it tightens my lungs a little, I did it anyway. Was ok, didn't really feel or smell much, besides the lungs tightening thing. And besides, I've been looking for a way to get rid of my breath problem. I've got a pretty nasty breath. I believe it's from all those years of breathing through my mouth (yes I do breathe through my mouth, since I have a cynus or however-you-spell-it problem and my nose is rarely unblocked enough to let me breathe properly and taking in the wanted amounts of air). Everything goes in, including smells and liquids that you would not like to smell any day. I think shishaing will help with that, since the smoke smells rather fragrant. Hopefully, it'll work without working up my asthma which has gone.
Also played 7 games of pool with B. Can't remember how many I won and lost. Rather nice though. I guess it's cause I started playing real well after I started acting a little feminine (or in other words, gay =.=). You know, dancing a little to the extremely loud music, walking with my hips swaying, posing midly sexy poses when I'm not shooting and blowing small kisses before I shoot at the ball =.=;; Weird I'd say, but it worked. Played really really well and B was getting a little frustrated cause he was losing rather sadly. Funny.
Then went up to the pub. It had a stage right dead centre of the place, and the place is rather small. Kinda like the one I saw in this game I played. Only in the game, it was a strip dancer's stage =.=;; And the first thing I saw was L (one of my close friends) on the stage, dancing. =.=;; Got dragged up later by DA (my other close friend, L and DA are girls and best friends with each other) to dance on the stage =.=;;;;;;;;; (yes extreme sweat. I really did not appreciate that). I guess the main reason why I didn't want to go up or have anything to do with dancing is cause I can't dance. Give me a Para Para machine and ask me to 'dance' there and I'll do it anywhere. But ask me to go on STAGE and dance to some really wild music? I'm sorry, but NOT HELPING AT ALL =.=;;; I seriously can't dance. And the worse part is, the only thing I know that's closest to dancing would be moving my body like a girl does =.=;; I mean, I've seen girls move that way a little too many times, and it's somehow easy for me to catch. So what do I do? I let my hair down (I'm GLAD that I have long hair, and it was already down when I came up =.=) and well... Yeah, moved =.= I offed my brain and just let my body do the moving. Whatever came to my mind that would look like I know what I'm doing, I let happen. I seriously do not remember much about what happened on the stage right now, except fo me dancing like some gay guy in a tight shirt and I would say, probably looking extremely gay or bisexual, since I was dancing with DA and L. =.=;;;;;
I guess that's all for now. 5:12 am right now and my mom is so gonna kill me later for not sleeping. Paper man has already threw the paper into the house. Gotta go. Take care, bbz.
Oh and I've not prayed in my blog for so long.
God, I know that the best things in life that You give to us are given and done in Your time. Forgive me for being impatient, but I really hope that I will meet the girl You've meant for me soon. Or if I've already met her, I want to know (I also want to know that it's her if I haven't met her ><). I don't want to develop feelings for anyone else anymore and just leave it at that or get into guaranteed failed relationships. Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts the other person as well, and that hurts me even more. I want to know her, if You'll allow it. If Your answer is still 'Wait', then I will wait. I just pray that You'll give me the strength to hold on to being with myself alone only untill the time that You see fit comes for me to meet her.
And God, I thank you for the moist wonderful friends that I have. You know who they are, and they know themselves, who they are. I also thank you for everyone else who cares about me, even the slightest bit. Especially however, all those who reads this blog. It just shows that they care about what's happening in my life. I just wish that I could somehow repay them for their care and kindness and love.
Thank you, God.
And thank you, blog reader.
Anyway...
I still have the ring that HM gave me. It still sits on my ring finger every day. Maybe that's what keeps me from letting her go and moving on. Maybe if I let the ring fall into my 'treasure box' and keep it there, I'll be able to let her go. (But if I let her go, I will never know, what my life could be holding her close to me~~)
But then again... It could be something else...
I've felt very lonely for the past few days/weeks/months. Very lonely indeed. If it's one thing I really don't like, it's being single (besides a particular someone).
I'm not one who enjoys a life without cares and concerns. I'm not one who can just be free and do whatever I like without any worries or any troubles.
I've got to have someone to care for, someone to love and be concerned about.
Not just the kind of amount I give to my closest of friends (I'm amazed that I can say I have some, and I'd say YOU'D be amazed about the amount I'd give for them).
I'm talking about the kind of amount I'd give to the girl I want to call my own. The girl of my dreams come true and more. The girl...
The girl that God wishes for me to be with... I guess...
That's what I'm waiting for. Though I know it myself that I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility, I really really want to know and love the girl I'll be spending the rest of my life with right now. At this very moment.
Why so fast, you ask? Why so early?
It's like this. When I'm alone (single), my emotions tend to start to run wild. I've already 'fallen in love' (more like got infatuated) with a number of girls, hoping that it'll last forever and yet somehow knowing that it won't. I guess you could say I develop feelings too easilly. Let a girl chat with me a little longer and deeper than the surface and I may start developing feelings. It's that easy... Maybe I'm just too cheap...
Not recently, but since last year, I've been having feelings for this girl. I'll call her MOD (Yes start guessing. Modulator perhaps? =.=). From afar, I could see that she's got a really nice personality. Her features are pretty attractive too. She's got a good heart, and though she can be quite a bad girl at times (well, look at me then think of what I'd say is a bad girl), she's really sweet and caring. There are of course things about her that I dont' like (which is all included in the bad girl part), but hey, I can't expect anyone to be perfect.
Up until recently, my feelings have grown for her. There was a time this year when my feelings for her went down. This I would say is mainly thanks to her help. I was confused about us being quite close and yet not in any relationship at all. So I took the step and questioned. I already knew the answer, but I just wanted to make sure. I was correct. Ever since then, she toned down a lot on me.
But then, we're back to that place again. Heck, we've got a lot in common. Things that I've really wanted in a girl are in her. And these things that she has that I look for are not really some common things. It's very very rare. Yet she has them. We can relate in many ways...
Still... I can't make a move. I don't DARE to make a move. I've lost many friendships because I made the move. I don't want to lose another one, and definitely not this one. I'm hurt when I know that there are barriers I must stick to whenever I see her. Yet, I know I'll hurt more if I make a move, and it fails - just like every other one I've been in.
And worse still, it'll hurt her too. That's something I really don't want.
Enough about that. I'll just leave it there. She's got a boyfriend anyway, and I believe she really likes him a lot. Whatever happens in her future, I hope that she follow's the way God wants her to. Right now, I believe she isn't. I just hope and pray that she will.
Just went shisha earlier. Though it tightens my lungs a little, I did it anyway. Was ok, didn't really feel or smell much, besides the lungs tightening thing. And besides, I've been looking for a way to get rid of my breath problem. I've got a pretty nasty breath. I believe it's from all those years of breathing through my mouth (yes I do breathe through my mouth, since I have a cynus or however-you-spell-it problem and my nose is rarely unblocked enough to let me breathe properly and taking in the wanted amounts of air). Everything goes in, including smells and liquids that you would not like to smell any day. I think shishaing will help with that, since the smoke smells rather fragrant. Hopefully, it'll work without working up my asthma which has gone.
Also played 7 games of pool with B. Can't remember how many I won and lost. Rather nice though. I guess it's cause I started playing real well after I started acting a little feminine (or in other words, gay =.=). You know, dancing a little to the extremely loud music, walking with my hips swaying, posing midly sexy poses when I'm not shooting and blowing small kisses before I shoot at the ball =.=;; Weird I'd say, but it worked. Played really really well and B was getting a little frustrated cause he was losing rather sadly. Funny.
Then went up to the pub. It had a stage right dead centre of the place, and the place is rather small. Kinda like the one I saw in this game I played. Only in the game, it was a strip dancer's stage =.=;; And the first thing I saw was L (one of my close friends) on the stage, dancing. =.=;; Got dragged up later by DA (my other close friend, L and DA are girls and best friends with each other) to dance on the stage =.=;;;;;;;;; (yes extreme sweat. I really did not appreciate that). I guess the main reason why I didn't want to go up or have anything to do with dancing is cause I can't dance. Give me a Para Para machine and ask me to 'dance' there and I'll do it anywhere. But ask me to go on STAGE and dance to some really wild music? I'm sorry, but NOT HELPING AT ALL =.=;;; I seriously can't dance. And the worse part is, the only thing I know that's closest to dancing would be moving my body like a girl does =.=;; I mean, I've seen girls move that way a little too many times, and it's somehow easy for me to catch. So what do I do? I let my hair down (I'm GLAD that I have long hair, and it was already down when I came up =.=) and well... Yeah, moved =.= I offed my brain and just let my body do the moving. Whatever came to my mind that would look like I know what I'm doing, I let happen. I seriously do not remember much about what happened on the stage right now, except fo me dancing like some gay guy in a tight shirt and I would say, probably looking extremely gay or bisexual, since I was dancing with DA and L. =.=;;;;;
I guess that's all for now. 5:12 am right now and my mom is so gonna kill me later for not sleeping. Paper man has already threw the paper into the house. Gotta go. Take care, bbz.
Oh and I've not prayed in my blog for so long.
God, I know that the best things in life that You give to us are given and done in Your time. Forgive me for being impatient, but I really hope that I will meet the girl You've meant for me soon. Or if I've already met her, I want to know (I also want to know that it's her if I haven't met her ><). I don't want to develop feelings for anyone else anymore and just leave it at that or get into guaranteed failed relationships. Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts the other person as well, and that hurts me even more. I want to know her, if You'll allow it. If Your answer is still 'Wait', then I will wait. I just pray that You'll give me the strength to hold on to being with myself alone only untill the time that You see fit comes for me to meet her.
And God, I thank you for the moist wonderful friends that I have. You know who they are, and they know themselves, who they are. I also thank you for everyone else who cares about me, even the slightest bit. Especially however, all those who reads this blog. It just shows that they care about what's happening in my life. I just wish that I could somehow repay them for their care and kindness and love.
Thank you, God.
And thank you, blog reader.
posted by Liil Masks at 12:33 pm
1 Comments:
Dude!!~ dudeeee!!~ Job's Done!!~ hahaha.. seriously man, playing 7 games and playing like shit in all 7 of em... that was so not my night man.. ahhaha.. but i won! hahaah.. thanks to you la of course.. too tired i guesss (making up lame excuse.. ahhahahaha -_-")
Anyways, bout this MOD, new person i guess... i think i kinda know who she is, but i shall not say anything as i don't wanna jump to conclusions and yeah.. no more complicated stuff happening anymore.. but yep, i definitely know who my suspects are for MOD.. lol.. dude, if you ever need to talk to me about it, i'm here for you aight? no matter what the outcome of that would be..
Well, it's like 5.10 now and just came back from watching Harry Potty and The Goblock of F**ker.. lol.. and my mom would kill me for not sleeping too.. hahaha.. see you Nat for the production shoot tomorrow.. take care and God bless.. =)
your bro,
lucas (B)
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