Weary...
Yes I'm tired. I'm just... Physically, emotionally and mentally (I'm not sure about spiritually) drained... I'm supposed to rely on God for my strength... "The joy of the Lord is my strength".
Yet... I've been living my life based on my own personal willpower... Or at least I think I have been... And according to Pastor Rick Warren (author of the world famous Purpose Driven Life book) if we live our lives on willpower, we are bound to fail. Well... I admit I've failed in plenty of stuff... Probably most of the stuff I do anyway... I don't know... Sometimes... I just wish I didn't have to do anything... Sometimes I just wish I was in a coma, and listen to what people say around me when I have no reaction at all... But that's being selfish... And I don't want to be selfish...
Maybe it's because I've been trying to please everyone... I do try to... Maybe that's why I'm so worn out... I want everyone to remember me as a person whom they would really miss not having around... >< Though there ARE a certain number of people whom I really cannot stand having around... I mean... Yes I know it's wrong for me to think that way because it can escalate to hatred, if it hasn't already... I know I'm in the wrong...
But I really try to make everyone happy... Even to the extenct of getting myself hurt and tired, exhausted, worn out and at times to the brink of passing out... Why do I do such things for other people? For what purpose? What have I to gain from all that? Nothing much, besides good friendship. My purpose is to make them happy the RIGHT way (if they're happy with stealing etc etc, hey that's wrong and hell no I won't do it). I... Just want everyone to be... Happy... Because I've felt unhappiness and I know how bad it feels... And I don't want my friends, people whom I know, like and trust, to feel the same thing that I've felt...
*sigh...* A just told me that I can't sigh until I die... Well... I don't know, I just might... Depending on God's will, I just might... God... I've been slacking in everything related to You lately... I need to regain and rebuild everything that has crumbled down because of my unwillingness to listen to Your whispers... Forgive me... I ask that You help me rebuild the foundations I have in You... My life is wasting away... Please, I pray that You'll help me...
And also, take good care of my friends... I love them dearly... Show them what's best for them, and I pray that they'll understand...
I miss HM and SY... I... Just wish that... Some things never happened... I... I just love them... And I can't let go of the fact that I'm not close to them anymore... Not in the sense of being bgf, but in the sense of being even close friends... It takes time and perseverance to build up trust... And when walls are built up against me, I can't climb them... It's like... Invading their privacy...
Oh I don't know... God... Help me... I beg of You...
EDIT:
If my life was meant to be lived in pain and suffering to relinquish the sadness, depression and anger of the people I love, then so be it. I've lived long enough through all of that, and I will strive on. If it makes them happy, I will do it. And I will do it sincerely. It may look and sound like an obligation, but as everyone knows I am under no obligation to listen to anyone's problems and rants, to bear anyone's burden nor to tolerate anyone's behaviour. I do it beause I choose to. And by choosing, I have pledged my life sincerely for this purpose. Yes my ultimate purpose is to do God's will, so this shall be my second.
Yet... I've been living my life based on my own personal willpower... Or at least I think I have been... And according to Pastor Rick Warren (author of the world famous Purpose Driven Life book) if we live our lives on willpower, we are bound to fail. Well... I admit I've failed in plenty of stuff... Probably most of the stuff I do anyway... I don't know... Sometimes... I just wish I didn't have to do anything... Sometimes I just wish I was in a coma, and listen to what people say around me when I have no reaction at all... But that's being selfish... And I don't want to be selfish...
Maybe it's because I've been trying to please everyone... I do try to... Maybe that's why I'm so worn out... I want everyone to remember me as a person whom they would really miss not having around... >< Though there ARE a certain number of people whom I really cannot stand having around... I mean... Yes I know it's wrong for me to think that way because it can escalate to hatred, if it hasn't already... I know I'm in the wrong...
But I really try to make everyone happy... Even to the extenct of getting myself hurt and tired, exhausted, worn out and at times to the brink of passing out... Why do I do such things for other people? For what purpose? What have I to gain from all that? Nothing much, besides good friendship. My purpose is to make them happy the RIGHT way (if they're happy with stealing etc etc, hey that's wrong and hell no I won't do it). I... Just want everyone to be... Happy... Because I've felt unhappiness and I know how bad it feels... And I don't want my friends, people whom I know, like and trust, to feel the same thing that I've felt...
*sigh...* A just told me that I can't sigh until I die... Well... I don't know, I just might... Depending on God's will, I just might... God... I've been slacking in everything related to You lately... I need to regain and rebuild everything that has crumbled down because of my unwillingness to listen to Your whispers... Forgive me... I ask that You help me rebuild the foundations I have in You... My life is wasting away... Please, I pray that You'll help me...
And also, take good care of my friends... I love them dearly... Show them what's best for them, and I pray that they'll understand...
I miss HM and SY... I... Just wish that... Some things never happened... I... I just love them... And I can't let go of the fact that I'm not close to them anymore... Not in the sense of being bgf, but in the sense of being even close friends... It takes time and perseverance to build up trust... And when walls are built up against me, I can't climb them... It's like... Invading their privacy...
Oh I don't know... God... Help me... I beg of You...
EDIT:
If my life was meant to be lived in pain and suffering to relinquish the sadness, depression and anger of the people I love, then so be it. I've lived long enough through all of that, and I will strive on. If it makes them happy, I will do it. And I will do it sincerely. It may look and sound like an obligation, but as everyone knows I am under no obligation to listen to anyone's problems and rants, to bear anyone's burden nor to tolerate anyone's behaviour. I do it beause I choose to. And by choosing, I have pledged my life sincerely for this purpose. Yes my ultimate purpose is to do God's will, so this shall be my second.
posted by Liil Masks at 10:34 am
3 Comments:
Oh please no don't post ads in my blog. It's a free open blog yes even though the address is kept within a certain number of friends, and yes random people who stumble in have free access to post a comment.
But please, no ads. Thanks.
pleasing others is a fantastic thing, you know. I understand that all you want to do is make people feel happy.
But you can't do that unless you're happy too. You can't do that once you start looking at it as an obligation you have to fulfill. In the end, everything you do is so unnatural because everything seemed forced, not from your heart.
What makes you think that by self sacrificing, people would be happy? Making people happy and being merry comes from the heart. Don't do it just because you think that's the right way, or just because it's according to your religion. It comes from the heart.
-SY-
i agree w -SY-
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