Memoirs Of A Geisha.... Not
Well hey the movie really looks and sounds interesting. I really wanna watch it ><
I tried out this weird job predictor thing... When I put in my nick, it came out as a litter warden... I put in my real name and I get Air Stewardess... I mean c'mon, what you want me to change my gender?? Then I put my surname + my assumed name, I get pole dancer =.="" I mean yes I admit I can be extremely seducing at times (too good for my own... good...) but STILL!!?? yeesh... Then I put my assumed name + my full name I get hairdresser.... *sigh* what does the stupid quiz really want me to change my gender? gah
Anyway that's not the main reason I'm blogging this time...
As some of you may already know, BBT seems to be missing... That is for those of you who have no clue whatsoever as to who is BBT, she's my darker side - the negative thoughts that rise from my mind; the depression, grief, etc etc... That's BBT. And well, she's a girl cuz my ideal uh... Idea of a man is one who is the total opposite... I mean, not weak and always in need of support and help, insecure and... yeah you get the idea... It may be some old school thought, but hey I've come to believe that's how I should be. I'm still trying to get there...
And there's the other side of me too. The brighter side who knows how to look at the pros and cons of things, the good and the bad. Instead of just being depressed about something, my other side knows how to handle things according to the situation. Short to say, he's dependable and very independant.
Yes it's a He. His name is my internet nickname.
And BBT is short for my e-mail address.
Why is my brighter side a He? It's cuz... Well... That's my picture of the ideal man - a person who's strong, dependable, independant and sensitive.... Of course BBT has her good points too, like being caring... But Kilmasis is the one who will support BBT's caring initiatives and carry them out...
ok I'm getting a little messed here... Basically BBT is my darker side who is more or less depressed & etc etc.
But then again, that's just a part of me... Another part... That... I somehow I've grown to love... Call me a masochistic metrosexual if you like, but I really love BBT...
ok it's getting really really weird, I know.
I was just doing some catching up with some of my friends' lives (that means reading their blogs, which I haven't been doing lately... Curses on Warcraft III as the ultimate distraction =.=) and... Well... I came across something very interesting.
This person asked - have you ever been so mad (to cut things short) that you got exhausted just being mad, but you have to keep it all inside you and not let anyone see it?
Well, to the point I'm not able to control myself I'd have to say no... But to a point where I really really clenched my fist and held back hard and bit my lip till it bled? Yes.
And sadly to say, it happened at my house.
No prizes guessing with and at whom.
The thing is... Well, I prayed one day and asked God to give me full control of my body and make my heart and mind and body's actions as one... Meaning what my mind says, my heart and body follows. What my heart wants, my mind and body wants. What my mind does not allow, so won't my heart and body.
And that means really really powerful self-control. Complete control of yourself.
I was granted it.
I don't know why I asked for it, but I was granted it.
And the problem is that my mind will not allow my heart and body to break that barrier that holds back all my anger from unleashing its entire fury out.
I just won't allow it. Not just for my sake, but for my family's sake.
I don't think I'd survive knowing that I made life for my blood relatives miserable. Especially my mom and sister.
It's amazing as to what degree I find myself dealing with. We're talking of an anger so bad that if I had allowed it to let go, I'd have beaten up the person there and then.
And if you know of whom I'm talking about, you'll know it's not something or someone to be taken lightly.
Well... I'm glad that God granted me my request. Just as King Solomon requested to be the wisest man on Earth, so he was granted. I wonder if I've wasted a wish or something.
Now this is where my willpower comes in. When I really want something to be done and I want it bad, my whole being goes into motion to doing it. My mind heart and body moves in motion with completing what I want to be done. My last focus is put aside and my attention diverted to my target, until it's done. That's how strong this gift God has given to me is.
Now the only problem is in doing the things I don't want to do.
Even if it's the right thing to do.
If somehow I find that I'm doing it, it would mean that it's too important to let go.
But then again, I've been neglecting my friend's blogs. Something I've cherished in reading all this while. Something I've devoted myself to keeping updated.
Yes A, even if I have to force myself to care. Because if I don't care, then I'm not a person anymore. A person who doesn't care isn't a person.
Why do I do this, you ask?
Why do I force myself? Just go with the flow, do what makes you happy, keep it cool, don't force yourself, it's their lives and their problems, let them deal with it.
I guess that's just what makes me stupid isn't it? Cuz I WANT to go against the flow, I force myself to care because I take joy in helping people in their lives. I FORCE myself because if I don't, I'll be a lazy ass bastard. It's their lives and their problems, why can I help them solve them and carry their burdens?
I've never been a person who goes with the flow. Never. From my kindergarten age untill recently, I've always been a loner. A reject. An outcast. A person whom people like to be around when I'm helpful and filled with stuff to give out. But when I'm in trouble and in need of assistance, people aren't offering their hands to me. And I mostly get help that is reluctant after I've asked a few times. up till recently, NEVER has anyone outside my family just willingly offered hands to me.
Maybe it's cuz I'm withdrawn. Maybe it's because I don't tell anyone my problems.
But hey, who am I to tell them to? I've got nobody. My mom is busy enough. My dad... Forget about it. My grandmother is hard for me to communicate with because I'm not too fluent in cantonese and can't explain as much as I can in english.
If you blame me for being withdrawn, then I guess it's fine. Then I guess it's just wrong for a person who's been brought up without a group of friends to walk around with and talk around with and play around with to feel withdrawn after 9 years of being alone. Why 9? Standard 1-5, then Form1-3. After that, I understood that I am not to be a person with a group. So I walked solo.
Solo.
I'm sure you've got friends whom you chat with during recess, who will walk around in a group and you're one of them, knowing what it's like to belong in a group.
I don't.
I would have never known what it feels like to belong if not for my church's performing arts ministry.
I don't belong anywhere in my youth church. I'm just another person in yc who can disappear without anyone noticing.
But in the FGA Performing Arts Department (PAD), they know and realise I'm not there.
And my presence is missed.
Maybe that's why I've been devoted to staying with them since I was in form 1.
I was the youngest then, but they welcomed me with open arms and I was accepted into the ministry just like that.
I was finally in a group in which I could belong to, could have an impact in, a group where I could feel that my presence does not go unnoticed.
Sad to say it's only on sundays and whenever we gather together that I know I belong somewhere.
Even in college, I feel left out.
That's why I stick to my best friend B often. Stick to him a little too much for comfort, I'd say.
Cuz I don't belong anywhere.
My classmates mostly have groups in which they go around in.
Yes I admit that I do have this little group. Just the 4 of us. 2 guys 2 girls and a whole lot of weird things happening.
We've even been given names from a tv series called 1-3 hill or something close to each other.
Still, I don't feel like I really belong.
There are times when we travel in 2 different cars to the same location, I'll be all alone.
In fact I'm always all alone.
I saw something of which the 3 of them were included in, created by one of the three.
I was not included.
It just... hit me. I'm still not within the 'circle of trust'.
And if I'm suddenly in after this blog has been aired after a week or more, I'll know it's not authentic because of my blog.
I'm not one of them.
It's one of the few times where you'll actually be sad to say that, contrary to the popular use of the movies to show that the hero isn't one of the bad guys.
It's 4:55am. I have to return to my resting place in which my slumber will take me over to the unconcious world in which has an influence on the vocal parts of my body.
I may add more tomorrow.
BBT, if you're in hibernation, which I'm guessing you are, I just want you to know that without you, my life isn't whole. I'm not whole. I'm not who I am without you. Though in many ways it's better for you to leave, I will not let that happen. God has made me who I am, and I am to love myself. "Love your neighbours as you love yourself." How can I be good to my neighbours if I'm not good to myself? I love you. Please take care. I need you.
Good night.
I tried out this weird job predictor thing... When I put in my nick, it came out as a litter warden... I put in my real name and I get Air Stewardess... I mean c'mon, what you want me to change my gender?? Then I put my surname + my assumed name, I get pole dancer =.="" I mean yes I admit I can be extremely seducing at times (too good for my own... good...) but STILL!!?? yeesh... Then I put my assumed name + my full name I get hairdresser.... *sigh* what does the stupid quiz really want me to change my gender? gah
Anyway that's not the main reason I'm blogging this time...
As some of you may already know, BBT seems to be missing... That is for those of you who have no clue whatsoever as to who is BBT, she's my darker side - the negative thoughts that rise from my mind; the depression, grief, etc etc... That's BBT. And well, she's a girl cuz my ideal uh... Idea of a man is one who is the total opposite... I mean, not weak and always in need of support and help, insecure and... yeah you get the idea... It may be some old school thought, but hey I've come to believe that's how I should be. I'm still trying to get there...
And there's the other side of me too. The brighter side who knows how to look at the pros and cons of things, the good and the bad. Instead of just being depressed about something, my other side knows how to handle things according to the situation. Short to say, he's dependable and very independant.
Yes it's a He. His name is my internet nickname.
And BBT is short for my e-mail address.
Why is my brighter side a He? It's cuz... Well... That's my picture of the ideal man - a person who's strong, dependable, independant and sensitive.... Of course BBT has her good points too, like being caring... But Kilmasis is the one who will support BBT's caring initiatives and carry them out...
ok I'm getting a little messed here... Basically BBT is my darker side who is more or less depressed & etc etc.
But then again, that's just a part of me... Another part... That... I somehow I've grown to love... Call me a masochistic metrosexual if you like, but I really love BBT...
ok it's getting really really weird, I know.
I was just doing some catching up with some of my friends' lives (that means reading their blogs, which I haven't been doing lately... Curses on Warcraft III as the ultimate distraction =.=) and... Well... I came across something very interesting.
This person asked - have you ever been so mad (to cut things short) that you got exhausted just being mad, but you have to keep it all inside you and not let anyone see it?
Well, to the point I'm not able to control myself I'd have to say no... But to a point where I really really clenched my fist and held back hard and bit my lip till it bled? Yes.
And sadly to say, it happened at my house.
No prizes guessing with and at whom.
The thing is... Well, I prayed one day and asked God to give me full control of my body and make my heart and mind and body's actions as one... Meaning what my mind says, my heart and body follows. What my heart wants, my mind and body wants. What my mind does not allow, so won't my heart and body.
And that means really really powerful self-control. Complete control of yourself.
I was granted it.
I don't know why I asked for it, but I was granted it.
And the problem is that my mind will not allow my heart and body to break that barrier that holds back all my anger from unleashing its entire fury out.
I just won't allow it. Not just for my sake, but for my family's sake.
I don't think I'd survive knowing that I made life for my blood relatives miserable. Especially my mom and sister.
It's amazing as to what degree I find myself dealing with. We're talking of an anger so bad that if I had allowed it to let go, I'd have beaten up the person there and then.
And if you know of whom I'm talking about, you'll know it's not something or someone to be taken lightly.
Well... I'm glad that God granted me my request. Just as King Solomon requested to be the wisest man on Earth, so he was granted. I wonder if I've wasted a wish or something.
Now this is where my willpower comes in. When I really want something to be done and I want it bad, my whole being goes into motion to doing it. My mind heart and body moves in motion with completing what I want to be done. My last focus is put aside and my attention diverted to my target, until it's done. That's how strong this gift God has given to me is.
Now the only problem is in doing the things I don't want to do.
Even if it's the right thing to do.
If somehow I find that I'm doing it, it would mean that it's too important to let go.
But then again, I've been neglecting my friend's blogs. Something I've cherished in reading all this while. Something I've devoted myself to keeping updated.
Yes A, even if I have to force myself to care. Because if I don't care, then I'm not a person anymore. A person who doesn't care isn't a person.
Why do I do this, you ask?
Why do I force myself? Just go with the flow, do what makes you happy, keep it cool, don't force yourself, it's their lives and their problems, let them deal with it.
I guess that's just what makes me stupid isn't it? Cuz I WANT to go against the flow, I force myself to care because I take joy in helping people in their lives. I FORCE myself because if I don't, I'll be a lazy ass bastard. It's their lives and their problems, why can I help them solve them and carry their burdens?
I've never been a person who goes with the flow. Never. From my kindergarten age untill recently, I've always been a loner. A reject. An outcast. A person whom people like to be around when I'm helpful and filled with stuff to give out. But when I'm in trouble and in need of assistance, people aren't offering their hands to me. And I mostly get help that is reluctant after I've asked a few times. up till recently, NEVER has anyone outside my family just willingly offered hands to me.
Maybe it's cuz I'm withdrawn. Maybe it's because I don't tell anyone my problems.
But hey, who am I to tell them to? I've got nobody. My mom is busy enough. My dad... Forget about it. My grandmother is hard for me to communicate with because I'm not too fluent in cantonese and can't explain as much as I can in english.
If you blame me for being withdrawn, then I guess it's fine. Then I guess it's just wrong for a person who's been brought up without a group of friends to walk around with and talk around with and play around with to feel withdrawn after 9 years of being alone. Why 9? Standard 1-5, then Form1-3. After that, I understood that I am not to be a person with a group. So I walked solo.
Solo.
I'm sure you've got friends whom you chat with during recess, who will walk around in a group and you're one of them, knowing what it's like to belong in a group.
I don't.
I would have never known what it feels like to belong if not for my church's performing arts ministry.
I don't belong anywhere in my youth church. I'm just another person in yc who can disappear without anyone noticing.
But in the FGA Performing Arts Department (PAD), they know and realise I'm not there.
And my presence is missed.
Maybe that's why I've been devoted to staying with them since I was in form 1.
I was the youngest then, but they welcomed me with open arms and I was accepted into the ministry just like that.
I was finally in a group in which I could belong to, could have an impact in, a group where I could feel that my presence does not go unnoticed.
Sad to say it's only on sundays and whenever we gather together that I know I belong somewhere.
Even in college, I feel left out.
That's why I stick to my best friend B often. Stick to him a little too much for comfort, I'd say.
Cuz I don't belong anywhere.
My classmates mostly have groups in which they go around in.
Yes I admit that I do have this little group. Just the 4 of us. 2 guys 2 girls and a whole lot of weird things happening.
We've even been given names from a tv series called 1-3 hill or something close to each other.
Still, I don't feel like I really belong.
There are times when we travel in 2 different cars to the same location, I'll be all alone.
In fact I'm always all alone.
I saw something of which the 3 of them were included in, created by one of the three.
I was not included.
It just... hit me. I'm still not within the 'circle of trust'.
And if I'm suddenly in after this blog has been aired after a week or more, I'll know it's not authentic because of my blog.
I'm not one of them.
It's one of the few times where you'll actually be sad to say that, contrary to the popular use of the movies to show that the hero isn't one of the bad guys.
It's 4:55am. I have to return to my resting place in which my slumber will take me over to the unconcious world in which has an influence on the vocal parts of my body.
I may add more tomorrow.
BBT, if you're in hibernation, which I'm guessing you are, I just want you to know that without you, my life isn't whole. I'm not whole. I'm not who I am without you. Though in many ways it's better for you to leave, I will not let that happen. God has made me who I am, and I am to love myself. "Love your neighbours as you love yourself." How can I be good to my neighbours if I'm not good to myself? I love you. Please take care. I need you.
Good night.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:42 am
3 Comments:
my dear dear bri.. whatever gaf u d idea that ur not in our circle? true.. i hafta admit that when d circle was created.. u werent in it.. (thats coz we werent close yet u silly dum dum) but now... my goodness now.. do u notice bri.. that whenever we haf plans we always call? and btw, u know how ironic this is.. i was jus talking to haley d other day and we were saying that ur like in d circle now man.. lol swear its not coz of this blog..
look, i know we're not all that close.. but then again.. thats coz u dont allow us to be close TO u.. one thing i noticed from all ur blogs is that u keep telling urself that u dont fit in.. belif me.. i know what that feels like.. even if that doesnt seem possible.. ive spent years trying to make myself fit in with particular people.. and sadly.. i was not wise enuf to know that its not worth it to compromise myself for them till it was rather late.. that is one thing that i admire abt u... u knoe what u want and u stand by it.. never letting any1 push u around or pressure u.. and u know what i say? its not that u dont fit in with ppl.. its ppl that dont fit with u! they're jus too intimidated by some1 who is so strong in their decisions... simply put..my opinion is that theyre jealous of u..ud never noe how much they wanna b able to jus stand strong like u.. always always remember that it is a good thing.. never shun it...
abt BBT.. u said that it was ur darker side correct? well.. in a way.. havent u been asking God to let u haf peace and happiness? maybe its jus time to let go of BBT.. if God has blessed u with peace, happiness, rest and all tat, jus enjoy it and dont search for ur darker side.. i know tat it has been ur constant companion since a looonnggg loooongggg time ago.. but sometimes, the tides of life brings about good change.. and we should just accept it.. dont miss the past.. jus look fwd.. God has a reason for everything.. mayb BBT has been holding u back all along? maybe now.. ur finally free of that dark bond, u can truly find happiness? or maybe.. maybe BBT isn't gone.. maybe.. finally, BBT and Kil has merged.. and you are merely who u are.. Brian... whole and complete.. minus all d negativity.. you shouldnt hafta hide behind all these images, masks of ur true self.. u'll soon see tat if u just dont hide.. when ppl see d real u.. they will learn to like/love u for who u are.. try to give ppl a chance bri.. not every1 is d same.. not every1 is gonna ditch u in d end... i know uve had some rough experiences.. but God provided u with an empathic heart.. use it wisely... use ur experience to nurture urself, to grow.. not to repress and shun.. that is not God's will..
*hugs*~ all the best yeah? and its great that ur blogging proper stuff instead of nonsense quizzes again.. hehe ^^
Dude... seriously man, never have i thought how much we actually have in common till reading your blog.. and believe it or not, i actually cried at some parts man... that's just how much i felt connected to you.. hey, 1st of let me start by saying that you being close to me all the time in college in not something bad.. it's not too close for comfort man.. dude, it may seem at times that i fit in with any of the groups that are in college but, i'm most relaxed and comfortable when it's just the 2 of us or when it's just the 4 of us.. you know who the other 2 is..
And dude, i'm really sorry man bout the whole 'same destination but you're still alone in the car' part.. seriously man, if i wasn't driving, i would have sat in the car with you.. especially that part from afiah's house.. there was just so much i wanted to talk to you about but it was a far distance and i didn't wanna let haley drive cuz she was in a kimono and mandy can't really drive a manual properly (sorry mandy!) so i had to drive..
Oh, now to the 'why i see so much in common with you' part.. =p just like mandy, i may not really look the type to have had problems mixing with people when i was young.. but dude, believe it or not, in primary 1.. throughout the whole year, i only had 1 friend.. and that 1 friend stayed my best friend for 11 years.. from standard 1 till form 5 cuz we were fortunate enough to have been in the same class through those 11 years straight.. but sadly enough, he back stabbed me badly in form 4 and the relationship just ended after secondary school.. although at times, he'll still call occasionally and i don't mind talking to him still.. and i don't hold grudges against him.. it's like God said.. you can forgive but not necessarily forget.. i've forgiven him but i still remember clearly to what he did to me and the scars left behind will always be there.. it's not that i hate him now but i just see him as an ordinary friend..
So i never really had a friend in primary school.. and just like you, i was mostly alone during recess.. cuz my best friend at that time had a group of his own too and i never fitted in the group.. so during recess, i would normally just go up to this big tree right in the middle of the field and sit there alone every single day from standard 1 till standard 5.. then when i was in standard 6, i was a prefect and i had duties to do..
When i was in secondary school, i was never in a group as well, so i've never actually felt how it was like to actually have a group till i met you, hales and mandy in college.. and i really only felt like i had a group of my own during the 4th sem.. being who i am (a non - looking chinese dude who can't even speak a single chinese dialect fluently or even just enough to get by) was always cast aside by people in school.. almost all of the chinese students in school looked at me with utter disgrace and no respect whatsoever.. i was even beaten up cuz i couldn't understand what the guy was saying properly in hokkien in form 2.. i guess that's how i got my personality now from.. to stand up for myself whenever someone disses me cuz believe it or not.. i was always beaten up when i was in form 1 till the end of form 2.. and i was always beaten up in groups so i could never really hit back.. that's why whenever i get hit or beaten in form 3 till 5, i would just bash the other person back.. God forgive me cuz i know that it was never the right thing to do and since then, i've not beaten anyone or even hit them lightly whenever i feel anger.. that's when i do things like you, just clench my fist and bite my lips till it bleeds.. then when i reach home, i'll hit the walls or do strenious activities and exercises just to wear off the anger..
Bout BBT, i use to have something like that as well... 2 other characters in me.. 2 other sides of me that i would randomly just talk to whenever i feel like either one of them.. and sometimes i would even be one of them for the whole day depending on how i feel when i wake up.. but again like mandy said, maybe BBT and Kil just merged together and is now who you really are, Brian Cheong.. my 2 personalities just dissapeared one day way back in form 3.. i just couldn't find either one of them.. that's when i really started being myself, me for who i am.. ben.. and i think it's about time that you do the same as well.. dude, i just wanna tell you that the 3 of us, your closest friends in college, especially me will always be there for you whenever you need us.. maybe sometimes won't be there physically but hey, there's always the telephone! =) just know that if you've ever felt alone last time, you're not anymore okay? and believe me.. even through your darkest hours, there's always hope.. like you told me, God will never throw anything we can't handle at us.. He knows best to our needs and He'll help us through anything just as long as we put our faith and trust in Him.. all my life, i've never had a friend who i could actually talk so openly and freely about religion and i'm glad that i have you.. dude, although at times i don't show it and i'm sorry, but your friendship means more to me than you know it.. and honestly, when i read the comment that you left me in my blog as well, i cried cuz i was touched as to how much i actually meant to you as well.. thanks man.. and call me gay or whatever but tomorrow, during basketball practice.. i'm gonna give you a big and long hug man!!~ ahaha.. enjoy it cuz it doesn't come often.. =p
Oh, since i'm already here, i just wanna say sorry if at times i don't open up to you as much as i should.. maybe i was scared that you would see me differently if i open up everything to you, pour out feelings and emotions.. but i guess that doesn't matter anymore cuz i realized that the person that i know wouldn't see anything different in me if i did that is you.. and believe me, from now on.. there will be more stories to share between the both of us than before and you as well man.. if you ever need to talk to someone, don't do it in your blog.. i mean, yeah blog and all but you know who can always talk to you no matter what aight? you've seen it before, no matter how far you are, give me a call, we'll meet up and talk.. =) you guys have done that for me.. i'll do that for you..
Hahaha, kay la.. my comment is longer than some people's entries.. =p i think i'll stop here.. i'll see you tomorrow man.. and don't worry about anything.. =) ask and seek for His guidance and you shall recieve.. take care man and be well... "Job's Done!" hahaha.. God bless dude.. =)
"I have nobody". That is what i used to say to you, and you concluded that "you're a nobody". And thus, I believe and trust that you're someone there to be what I call "nobody".
So, I'm back, saying to you now, "I am a nobody".
Take care, and may God Bless You with everything.
Lotsa Love From A.
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