The Angel of Desolation
Really have I mentioned what the Angel of Desolation was in my blog before? I don't remember. Either ways, here's where I first got the idea from.
It's one of the cards in Magic The Gathering, a worldwide famous card game. I used to play it and I DO have that card. I love it.
Since one of my pen names is Bound Broken Torn, I couldn't express the feeling of loneliness in those words. Even Unloved, Uncared couldn't impart a feeling of being all alone. So... Seeing that I once (and sometimes still do) wish to become an Angel, I decided upon the Angel of Desolation. Desolation means a barren wasteland, empty, deserted, and the deep feeling of loneliness. Really suits it and I love the name.
Anyway, in my last (10 days ago) entry, I mentioned about me not wanting to talk as much. Seems like BBT doesn't want to hold on to staying all the time. I guess there are certain things that I have made myself to be that I can't change so easilly. I've returned to my normal talkative, over-explosive 'personality'. I guess those who want to appreciate me can, but tose who don't... I can't do anything about that. One advice I always give friends but never accepted myself personally was "You can't please everyone". Even my close friend in coll told me that. but somehow... I just can't accept that... I want everyone to like me... I want people to accept me...
Did I ever mention also that every week day I return home from college (even during my late secondary school days) to an empty house with no one in it? When I was younger I couldn't stand it after a year or two returning to an empty house. Worse still when you'd rather time stopped and never continued for fear of your stepfather returning and start to yell at your mom whom you love for things that you did which were rather so small that on a normal basis would be insignificant, but every darned matter is made big by him. It's sad for a person to not want to return to their house.
I would like to stress that a house is NOT a home and a home is NOT a house. They're 2 rather very different things. A house is a building, a place where people stay. A home is where a family is gathered to live and to love under the same roof and to work together every day to continue on to the next day. A house is built on bricks, a home is built on love.
For now... My house is only part of my home. It's because my mom is living here, and my sister. Yes I love my half-sister. I still dream of a home where my beloved wife and children (if and when I have them) work together to make the place better every single day of our lives. I believe that it can happen, if I obey God and allow Him to take control of my life.
There were times when I was walking back to my house late at night after college (when I didn't have a car to drive), I would walk really slowly and sometimes just stop at the roadside, feeling very exhausted and unwilling to go back home. I would rather have slept on the grass on the roadside than to go back and see his face. Yes, that's very very bad of me. It's horrible of me in fact and I pray taht God will help me to change that. But I still dislike him a lot. Nowadays I wish I could just stay out of the house for long periods of time. But I can't because I know my mom would get worried. And I don't want her to. Heh, some of you probably have 101 problems with your mom, but me and mine, we understand each other (well a lot more now) and we try to help each other out (though mostly she helps me out cuz she's the one who provides my finances ><).
It's one thing to have this thinking when you're a teenager cuz most of the time they're mild dislikes because parents have done something to them on that particular day which thy really can't stand. It's another to have this thinking from your entire secondary school life and through college. By then dislikes can become hatred. And hatred can lead to anger. Anger leads to revenge (no not the Dark Side please). And as a Christian, I should have no thoughts of revenge. I can't say I don't, but I CAN say that I try really hard not to do it. Really REALLY hard.
And to SV, please, don't stop talking to me. I have to admit that you've been getting me on a lot of the wrong times (when I'm tired or when I'm halfway through a game or chatting with a lot of people at once). It feels really... Akward when I see you online and we both don't do anything. I said before that I WANTED to be your friend, and I still do. Yes we have our differences but we don't have to keep away from each other because of that... After all, everyone's different in their own special way.
It's one of the cards in Magic The Gathering, a worldwide famous card game. I used to play it and I DO have that card. I love it.
Since one of my pen names is Bound Broken Torn, I couldn't express the feeling of loneliness in those words. Even Unloved, Uncared couldn't impart a feeling of being all alone. So... Seeing that I once (and sometimes still do) wish to become an Angel, I decided upon the Angel of Desolation. Desolation means a barren wasteland, empty, deserted, and the deep feeling of loneliness. Really suits it and I love the name.
Anyway, in my last (10 days ago) entry, I mentioned about me not wanting to talk as much. Seems like BBT doesn't want to hold on to staying all the time. I guess there are certain things that I have made myself to be that I can't change so easilly. I've returned to my normal talkative, over-explosive 'personality'. I guess those who want to appreciate me can, but tose who don't... I can't do anything about that. One advice I always give friends but never accepted myself personally was "You can't please everyone". Even my close friend in coll told me that. but somehow... I just can't accept that... I want everyone to like me... I want people to accept me...
Did I ever mention also that every week day I return home from college (even during my late secondary school days) to an empty house with no one in it? When I was younger I couldn't stand it after a year or two returning to an empty house. Worse still when you'd rather time stopped and never continued for fear of your stepfather returning and start to yell at your mom whom you love for things that you did which were rather so small that on a normal basis would be insignificant, but every darned matter is made big by him. It's sad for a person to not want to return to their house.
I would like to stress that a house is NOT a home and a home is NOT a house. They're 2 rather very different things. A house is a building, a place where people stay. A home is where a family is gathered to live and to love under the same roof and to work together every day to continue on to the next day. A house is built on bricks, a home is built on love.
For now... My house is only part of my home. It's because my mom is living here, and my sister. Yes I love my half-sister. I still dream of a home where my beloved wife and children (if and when I have them) work together to make the place better every single day of our lives. I believe that it can happen, if I obey God and allow Him to take control of my life.
There were times when I was walking back to my house late at night after college (when I didn't have a car to drive), I would walk really slowly and sometimes just stop at the roadside, feeling very exhausted and unwilling to go back home. I would rather have slept on the grass on the roadside than to go back and see his face. Yes, that's very very bad of me. It's horrible of me in fact and I pray taht God will help me to change that. But I still dislike him a lot. Nowadays I wish I could just stay out of the house for long periods of time. But I can't because I know my mom would get worried. And I don't want her to. Heh, some of you probably have 101 problems with your mom, but me and mine, we understand each other (well a lot more now) and we try to help each other out (though mostly she helps me out cuz she's the one who provides my finances ><).
It's one thing to have this thinking when you're a teenager cuz most of the time they're mild dislikes because parents have done something to them on that particular day which thy really can't stand. It's another to have this thinking from your entire secondary school life and through college. By then dislikes can become hatred. And hatred can lead to anger. Anger leads to revenge (no not the Dark Side please). And as a Christian, I should have no thoughts of revenge. I can't say I don't, but I CAN say that I try really hard not to do it. Really REALLY hard.
And to SV, please, don't stop talking to me. I have to admit that you've been getting me on a lot of the wrong times (when I'm tired or when I'm halfway through a game or chatting with a lot of people at once). It feels really... Akward when I see you online and we both don't do anything. I said before that I WANTED to be your friend, and I still do. Yes we have our differences but we don't have to keep away from each other because of that... After all, everyone's different in their own special way.
posted by Liil Masks at 10:47 am
1 Comments:
i too return home to enpty house. since beginning of form 4. with no food. and no one to talk to.
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