On The Surface Of The Inside

B composed a song, and that's the title, "On The Surface Of The Inside". It sounds really good, though I think some of the lyrics have been cliched to kingdom come. Then again, most songs do that as well. So I guess it's fine.



I lost my temper again yesterday. Seriously, I have not lost my temper for a long time. Besides the fact that I'm still quite disappointed in B for breaking a huge promise not only to me, but to Dad, JC and HS. I really did not take what he said when he told me the first time seriously. From the way he said it, in a really playful manner and all (because he took the subject quite seriously when we discussed about it before), I really thought he was just joking. And I can never take anything direct from DA when she smiles. I always have to be on my guard. I hate that. Blame me for not opening myself to anyone at all, but that's where I'm safe. I've been lied to and cheated enough times to know exactly when, what and who to be on guard against. Seriously, I let my guard off with B. No he didn't do anything against me, but that promise really meant a lot. More importantly, that promise would definitely mean a lot to the other 3 he promised to.

Now I understand what he meant when he said that he's really sorry about the faith aspects of his live that we were talking about before. Only now, after looking back and picking up the traces, I realise what he was talking about. I was open. I left myself open and did not think of closing that door. I know I've not been betrayed, but it feels that way...




The group video assignment - we finally wrapped up the shooting yesterday. All that's left now is the video editing, which I hope to do with L, the one doing the edit. Let's just say... I'd like to see how far my creativity can go in video. After all, I'm majoring in Broadcasting next year onwards, and I need all the exposure and experience I can get. This assignment, thanks to our poor confused lecturer, will definitely help us out in our next sem. I guess now I really understand the purpose of giving us these assignments. Still, he should have brought some people to lecture a little about the whole thing before giving us the assignment and asking us to start from the very very scratch. It's just like asking us to create an Empire State Building by giving us the blueprint, without materials and machines.




Don't look at me, my mind's still pretty messed up right now. I'm supposed to wash my car now anyway. I didn't eat lunch either. Not really hungry though, my appetite's gone down. Hopefully, so will that lump of fat on both sides of my waist. I'm still too lazy to work out. I'll wait for SJ (friend who lives close by) to find us a gym to subscribe ourselves to and workout with him. At least if anything, we can go together. At least I've got company.




Cutting off full trust from someone you've put it on isn't easy. Well, doing it is easy. But the emotions that come after that make it hard as hell. Imagine living with your spouse for 20 years having a good marriage, only to find later that he already has a 2nd wife/husband and is paying more attention to her/him. It may not be at that extreme, but it's along the lines. I'm sure many people (in the world) can relate to this. I personally know someone who can.




DA, if you're reading, I'm sorry to say this, but I must. You taught me not to care what people think about your blog because it's your own; to hell what other people want to say about it. I know we had a fight yesterday, but that fight made me realise a really big thing. And I don't like it. Even though I may be identified as a masochist at given times, I don't like it at all. I've had many thoughts about you, many 'guesses' about your character and personality. At the beginning till 3/4 of this year, I rejected them all. I believed that they're just your flaws. Everyone has a flaw, and I believed that to be yours. I still do, but I must say that after what has happened, I'm really disappointed about it. It gives me an impression of something you might be, in which every evidence would point to. I just hope that you can prove me wrong.




And B, I can't say I condone those actions either. Though everyone fails, I expected you not to given the situation and your faith. I guess my expectations and predictions were wrong. We ARE different people after all, and I can't predict everything that will happen. If I can, I'd be labeled as 'tampering with demonic powers', not only by other people, but by myself. My predictions are based on experience and knowing a person's character, taking in all other influences and things that may change the outcome.

But I seriously did not see that coming.

You haven't lied to me, in fact you told me directly the truth. It was just up to me to figure out your playfullness in saying that statement in such a tone and body language.

You still have my full trust. I don't know why I'm not closing up, but I won't. Thank my love for you for that, don't thank me. I feel like my whole body's broken up into so many different parts that I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.




And my feelings for MOD (moderator, Mistress Of Domination, go wild)? They're gone. Certain situations have let me to see some things that I really should have seen before. I'd rather not go there. But short to say, she hurt me. Badly. And somehow after I've seen those things, I'm thankful that they're gone. Though I really feel concerned for a friend who's after her.




After reading a BL (Boy Love, Gay, Yaoi, whichever suits your dictionary) comic/manga, I felt that I kinda liked the storyline. Of course, one of the characters was portrayed more as a girl than anything else. Heck, a guy does not slap another guy. A guy, in all of his right mind, would punch. And this guy (the supposedly more feminine one of the couple), as portrayed in the comic/manga, is actually not gay. He's not even soft. And yet, he slaps. That's just stupid.


But somehow... After I read the comic/manga until now, I've been disturbed by it. Not disturbed by the way the two guys kissed and all, but rather instead, disturbed by the idea of BL. I've had many 'fangirls' of my cosplaying realm asking for BL poses with other guys or girls crossplaying as guys. Obviously the guys said "no". Most straight guys would. But I've offered that if they wanted it and the other guy doesn't mind, I wouldn't mind as well. BL poses with girls crossplaying isn't much of a problem to me. I know that in my mind, they're girls.

But still... To be disturbed by the thought of... Being gay... Disturbs me a lot. I know that by faith, homosexuality is wrong, and I believe in my faith enough to think it to be wrong. I take homosexuality now as a flaw that peoeple have, just as some people have the flaw of lying, some stealing, etc. But with society slowly accepting homosexuality... It just doesn't help. I already know the feminine parts of my character and skills, and believe me, they're not helping me feel any more macho at all. Being able to do housework WELL is not something every guy has. Having a liking for soft toys and cute things are not something guys usually have. Having (I'll exaggerate) "striking hair and facial qualities" are not something guys usually have. And by striking facial qualities, I mean the kind of face that can look macho or feminine. Especially with my hair length, I've been mistaken as a female many times. And the fact that I like my long hair is not something to help anyone stop mistaking me for a girl.



Thank God that I still squirm when guys hold hands in public walking around, and I still get the nauseous (whatever) feeling when I see REAL guys (not anime or manga) kiss. Or do anyhing worse than that. I just pray that God will NOT allow me to turn homosexual or bisexual. It's wrong by my standards, the standards of my faith, and the standards of my family. I hope I won't be the one to be named 'wrong'.




And please know this - I'm closing up. More than before. Don't blame yourself, if you think you're to blame. It's just my decision. It may hurt me a lot, but I'd rather be wounded and bleeding to death by shutting the doors of my trust closer, than to be stabbed often here and there. I can't bear either pain, but I'll survive. Blame it on my masochism. Blame it on the weather. Go wild about blaming on anything but yourself and my friends.



God, my mind's too messed up to be able to pray properly. Please allow me to clean things up, put the books of my past, present and future into the proper shelves and to make my bed of comfort, solitude and calm that is really really messy. If you will God, please help me to clean the table of my forehead as I clear it up to open back the books of time and go over events and plans that I have in store to find pieces of the bigger picture I may have lost in them. Help me to clean the curtains of darkness that have covered my window and stopped Your Light from entering the room of my mind.

And as always, bless and love my friends. And enemies. This is what I ask for now. You asked me to look to you for strength and depend on you with my life, I now do as you wish me to.
Give me the strength to pick up the pieces of my life that have shattered upon the rough road.
Give me the love that will combine the pieces together and make it hold forever.
Give me... A confirmation of the vision I received.
Give me a person who will stop me from turning homosexual for all that's holy.
God...
Give me the life that you want me to lead...