Losing Everything
I recently left a comment on BLSL's blog.
It was... Rather harsh, to say the least.
I was really reluctant to do it at first, but after I started typing, I didn't stop until I finished.
I just had to. I knew I had to.
I know he may not see things the way I do, but we worship the same God, do we not? And God doesn't change. So why should His ways change? Why should His purpose for us on Earth change?
I might lose my friend. My best friend. The only one I ever had.
If that's what it takes to get him off his spiritual comfy chair, for God, let it be so.
I've lost so much already. I've lost the chance of knowing a real father in my childhood life, my teenage life and probably for the rest of my life too, I've lost 6 girls, 2 of whom which hate me so much now to the point that seeing me dead would probably make them smile, I've lost my heart to someone again in which I'm doing my best to kill my heart there and grow a new one...
I've lost plenty of friends in life for various reasons...
I've lost the chance to feel wanted and needed by the people around me in my teenage life... The importance of acceptance during one of the most crucial stages of life...
I don't think I want to continue. Just thinking it out hurts so much more.
Yes I know, I think too much. But it makes a person who talks nonsense 24/7 like me a lot more sensible, doesn't it? At least that's the feedback I get from some people.
Even if I DO go out with you for a yamcha session, MPL, I doubt I'll say much.
My words don't often come out of my mouth. More often, they come out of my hands.
And sometimes, my eyes. Learn to read a person's eyes and you'll see past every single mask he/she wears.
Oh, I found out that one of my friends is gay. Well, can't blame myself for being so intuitive and sensitive to relationship matters. Even MMY (is that her nick?) didn't know until I told her that there's a possibility. She HAD to ask him if they were 'dating'. -__-;;
Edification is such a rare thing in these modern days among those in your studying life whom you regard as friends, isn't it? Especially in the working world, edification is such a rare thing that more often than not, it's regarded as 'really weird' or 'very different'.
Doesn't help that I hardly have friends in church. Those around my age at least. I've got plenty of Christian adult friends, and I'm very very thankful to the Lord for them. It's probably one of the reasons why I enjoy going for the performing arts practice sessions in my church so much that I find it hard to even THINK of giving it up. Not that the standard of performance is very high, I'd say it's below average for the level I'm at. But it's not the standard that matters. It's the heart.
Oh, and my major is Broadcasting, if I haven't said that already. There are 16 students in the class inclusive of me, and we're divided into 4 groups for group assignments (I got WW, CV and MC. I don't know MC's full name, so let's leave it at MC), and my group members are all girls. 2 Pretty ones too (can't say WW is pretty. I try not to lie). I just hope that they'll be as dedicated to work as my last sem's group members. Considering I've got the most experience in this, I might be the leader. I hope I'll do a good job, if I DO get that position.
Anyway, that's all for today. It's late.
God...
I love Ben. I know You do too.
Please, guide him in Your way. I'll do what I can to help, but ultimately it will still be Your will be done.
Take care of him. He's the only best friend I've got.
The only guy I've ever been this close to.
The only guy whom I can say that I love without any hesitation. The only guy whom I've told more than I should tell about myself to.
The only guy who reads this blog.
Teach him YOUR ways, Lord.
Your humble servant,
me.
It was... Rather harsh, to say the least.
I was really reluctant to do it at first, but after I started typing, I didn't stop until I finished.
I just had to. I knew I had to.
I know he may not see things the way I do, but we worship the same God, do we not? And God doesn't change. So why should His ways change? Why should His purpose for us on Earth change?
I might lose my friend. My best friend. The only one I ever had.
If that's what it takes to get him off his spiritual comfy chair, for God, let it be so.
I've lost so much already. I've lost the chance of knowing a real father in my childhood life, my teenage life and probably for the rest of my life too, I've lost 6 girls, 2 of whom which hate me so much now to the point that seeing me dead would probably make them smile, I've lost my heart to someone again in which I'm doing my best to kill my heart there and grow a new one...
I've lost plenty of friends in life for various reasons...
I've lost the chance to feel wanted and needed by the people around me in my teenage life... The importance of acceptance during one of the most crucial stages of life...
I don't think I want to continue. Just thinking it out hurts so much more.
Yes I know, I think too much. But it makes a person who talks nonsense 24/7 like me a lot more sensible, doesn't it? At least that's the feedback I get from some people.
Even if I DO go out with you for a yamcha session, MPL, I doubt I'll say much.
My words don't often come out of my mouth. More often, they come out of my hands.
And sometimes, my eyes. Learn to read a person's eyes and you'll see past every single mask he/she wears.
Oh, I found out that one of my friends is gay. Well, can't blame myself for being so intuitive and sensitive to relationship matters. Even MMY (is that her nick?) didn't know until I told her that there's a possibility. She HAD to ask him if they were 'dating'. -__-;;
Edification is such a rare thing in these modern days among those in your studying life whom you regard as friends, isn't it? Especially in the working world, edification is such a rare thing that more often than not, it's regarded as 'really weird' or 'very different'.
Doesn't help that I hardly have friends in church. Those around my age at least. I've got plenty of Christian adult friends, and I'm very very thankful to the Lord for them. It's probably one of the reasons why I enjoy going for the performing arts practice sessions in my church so much that I find it hard to even THINK of giving it up. Not that the standard of performance is very high, I'd say it's below average for the level I'm at. But it's not the standard that matters. It's the heart.
Oh, and my major is Broadcasting, if I haven't said that already. There are 16 students in the class inclusive of me, and we're divided into 4 groups for group assignments (I got WW, CV and MC. I don't know MC's full name, so let's leave it at MC), and my group members are all girls. 2 Pretty ones too (can't say WW is pretty. I try not to lie). I just hope that they'll be as dedicated to work as my last sem's group members. Considering I've got the most experience in this, I might be the leader. I hope I'll do a good job, if I DO get that position.
Anyway, that's all for today. It's late.
God...
I love Ben. I know You do too.
Please, guide him in Your way. I'll do what I can to help, but ultimately it will still be Your will be done.
Take care of him. He's the only best friend I've got.
The only guy I've ever been this close to.
The only guy whom I can say that I love without any hesitation. The only guy whom I've told more than I should tell about myself to.
The only guy who reads this blog.
Teach him YOUR ways, Lord.
Your humble servant,
me.
posted by Liil Masks at 10:27 am
2 Comments:
dude.. pretty emoness of a blog and comment don't you think? hahahah.. chill man..
look, i appreciate what you're trying to do for me and i appreciate your help and all.. i appreciate your love for me as your best friend and do know that i love you as my best friend too.. look nat, you're right.. Yahveh wants us to do His work here for Him.. that's the reason why we're here are we not? but do know also that He gave us brains and minds of our own to think for ourselves..
dude, again i say, i appreciate all of your comments, advice and help that you've given to me over the past 2 years.. but then again, i hope you'll respect my decision on how i wish to do this my way.. and you'll never know.. maybe it's not my way.. maybe it's part of His way and He's using me as a way to do it.. Yahveh works in mysterious ways.. but He also does wonders with his works..
dude, i care about you as much as i care for all my other friends as well.. we're all special and we all have our own faiths and believes.. now, about churches, it's not that i have anything against them cuz i don't.. maybe someday i'll start going to one again.. but till that day comes, it's my decision to do so.. and i'm not saying that i'll never be as good of a Messian as my parents or you cuz i will.. i know i will.. =)
dude, i don't hold anything against you so don't worry about losing your friends okay? and have you asked yourself why i'm the only one who is your best friend? cuz you open up to me man.. that's why.. if you do so with others too, then they'll be able to see you for who you are.. dude, we're all the same.. brothers and sisters through The Messiah, but in characters and personalities, we're different.. all of us are different.. helping others is good.. but don't over do it..
you keep saying that it's in His will that you help others.. have you ever thought that maybe it's in His will as well that you let others help you for a change? after all, we humans go nowhere alone.. we have to help each other in order to move forward.. let me tell you something that might sound a bit harsh and i appologize in advance if it hits you hard.. but seeing that you hold nothing back against me and you respect me enough to know that i'll take it in, i'll do the same for you..
dude, from what i've been reading in your posts, sometimes i feel like you're trying to change the people around you.. against their own will.. loving someone is accepting them for who they are.. would you like it if people tried to change you? i don't think so.. you would probably distance yourself away from them.. it's the same man.. everything in our lives works both ways.. accept them for who they are, and they will accept you.. wasn't it stated in the Bible that we should love our enemies like we love our friends? and aren't our enemies people that we hate and hope they would change to be more like us?
again, i'm sorry if it seems a bit too harsh to you but i'm only telling you this for your own good as you did to me.. dude, i won't give up on myself.. cuz if i did, i would also be giving up on my parents, my friends, and Yahveh.. cuz it's with His blessings and guidance that i am where i am today.. don't you ever think for once that i don't wanna do or am not doing His work here on earth, cuz i am..
and i hope nothing changes in our friendship man.. it's a good one and one i intend to keep for as long as i can.. you're a strong lad man.. sometimes you think that the whole world is against you when it's not.. yes, i agree that you think too much but sometimes you have to get out of the thinking world of yours and come back to reality where you have family and friends who cares about you and loves you.. think about it will ya? and i'll think about what you said as well.. =)
it's comments and words like these that makes our friendship a good one cuz we're open and honest with each other and i respect you for that.. you risk losing a friend in order to do what's right and that's something to be admired.. i pray too that what you want will be what you get..
dude, you are who you are and i am who i am.. you were like this before you met me and i've always been like this even before i met you too.. if i was someone else, maybe we might not even have met.. so let me be who i am and i'll let you be who you are.. no changing anyone aight? =) i love you too man and i ain't ashamed of saying it.. it's supposed to be less manly and shits like that but i couldn't care less bout what the bloody world thinks.. =) and if you do care for me as much, please.. trust in me and my decisions that i make through Yahveh.. cuz believe it or not, i do seek Him and pray to Him and ask for answers and ways every single day.. and i know that one of the way is through friends like you.. =)
dude, you worry about your stuff as well as much as you worry about others.. after all, if you can't help yourself, how can you help others right? Yahveh wants us to love others, but he also wants us to love ourselves.. which shouldn't be a problem seeing how mich you love yourself, especially your hair! hhahahahaa.. so chill aight.. concentrate on your studies too.. good luck with your group members and somehow, i'm not suprised that you have all 3 of them as girls.. hahaaha.. what happened to afiq man? =p anyways, i'll be seeing you around aight.. it's kinda hard now with our schedules different from each other.. Yahveh bless you man.. =) ciao!
I may have no idea as to what's really going on between the both of you... And I don't want to become a nuisense nor sound like some retarded busy-body...
I just personally find that... well, Ben, you're a cool guy! LOL! XD
Kil, no one is asking you to 100% definately follow what others tell you... No one is trying to force an opinion on you... Mou... Mou... Mou! Stop doing this to yourself already... Stop confusing and hurting yourself...
As to how you yourself always talk about how insignificant you are, here's your turn to feel what's it's like to hear these words...
"As much as you don't know me so well enough, & I know I don't understand much of you, as I guess you somewhat somehow chose to not open up to me... At the very least, take into consideration the words of your -best friend-."
You don't have to forcefully convince yourself to follow an advise. Forget about what is right and wrong! Who ever determined what was 100% without a slightest loophole nor flaw all that which is "right" and "wrong"??? Ahh... You drive me insane sometimes... Ben's right. We all love you, care for you. Believe it or not.
So stop killing yourself. You don't want us to develope the urge to want to kill you too. You know that. Don't you dare tell me you don't care.
You may find me childish, korny, and maybe now I've even gotten a little irritating, nee? Heh. Look, I won't lie to you and say I don't give a fucking shit what you think of me... Because I do. Even if it wouldn't be too hard for me to pretend to not care about how you think of me... DAMN I DO, OKAY??? Even if an enemy were to mock me, I'd say let him bark at the wall... But the words still reached my hears... They still hit me, regardless... You can't expect there to be no dent, or well, scratch at that very least…
Kil... You're not the worst person off on this planet. I'm not saying I am, at all, either. There are many people who had taken advantage of me... Many people I know so very well, 'did not deserve' the many things I did for them... Hahahah... But the thing is, well, you see, I don't believe in that. At all. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone?
Open your eyes to reality.
I'm not much of a realist either. Don't worry.
Honestly speaking, I don't enjoy posting comments... Why? Not because I don't give a shit about the person blogging... Not because I'm just a budy-body who enjoys appearing then dissapearing, yet taking note of people's life without noting that person... As that matter a fact, I never the slightest bit enjoyed reading blogs!! Yours is the very few I bothered checking on, you know? And you keep saying that I find you insignificant... invisible.
*sigh* Now back to as to why I don’t post comments… You see, it's just that often times I just have nothing to say. And maybe even sometimes, too much to say I don't find it necessary to say everything anymore.
You're the one who just told m,e "Some things can be seen so much deeper without the need of words."
Call me selfish, unreasonable, childish.
I’m not being self-pitiful.
People were given the free will to “feel” and “think”…
Why can't you put your faith in anything else?
You were the one who said "The smallest things brings about such relevant change."
I always, always had thought for quite some time, that you were very alike with me... Heh... But you see, I never missed out the fact though, of how we were two very different people as well. Too, too, different. Ever noticed?
There are many many things I wish to tell you... wished to tell you... Often times, truth was, you wanted to listen to them, didn't you? And yet you just could never be honest.
You think too much. Seriously.
I do too. But... *sigh*
We're too alike, my dear... Too, too alike... in too, so very different ways...
I’m probably being quite harsh. Yea... But I won't go "Gomen~ @.@" this time around... And I'm not 'intending' to hurt you nor leash any anger on you. I'm just being serious. You can never be seriously, serious and honest with me. Why?
No, don’t come up with fucked up reasons, “I can’t” , “It’s wrong”… If that was truly the case, then forget it… Just forget it… You really, really, just don’t understand me at all.
You know... This is damned the fcuking hell random, but... You don't realize how much you are truly blaming others, by blaming yourself in such a manner, don’t you?
Heh... heh... You know? The very first day I met and spoke with you... That was only the second time I saw Tsuki-kun's face again. The very first time properly meeting up with him and actually having any proper conversation at all.
Stop taking for granted the things around you, leaving them to just pass right by you, then blaming yourself soon after. It's not doing yourself nor anyone else any good. Can't have faith in anyone? At least put some hope in "tomorrow"... Cause you see, "tomorrows" never end. Look on the brighter side on life. Oh, please...
You know? Now I feel you're reminding me a lot more of -an old sel¬f-... And no, I do not hate nor look down upon that -old self- of mine, unlike certain people who enjoy going along the lines of “I hate who I used to be.”… I'm not a person to throw away my past, nor cling on to it so pathetically in self-pity... I learn from it. Hold on to it, as a very important, precious and irreplacable part of me, regardless of how bad, terrible, horrifying things may have been. I will never forget the simply, few beautiful memories which remained untainted. It not as if I had personally gone through the best nor "coolest", or to say, a so very wonderful lifestyle either...
People have their faults, their improvements, their worries, their beliefs, their reasons, their mysteries, their own life...
Is it really that hard to at the very least, bother to -try-, and accept them?
I accepted you.
It doesn't hurt... to look at people... as "people" once in a while, deshou?
*sigh* I really hope you get what I'm saying and not misinterpreting anything... See ya around, Kil.
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