Beyond the Horizon
This post is rather late. It should've been here the day after I posted the last one. Here it is anyway.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
I couldn't believe. I couldn't comprehend the fact. I couldn't take in the hurt.
I couldn't bear that 2 people I once cared for so much, and still do, despise me.
I wish I could just end it all, throw it all away, ease the pain, if not make it disappear completely.
It hurt.
Like heck. (I can't say like hell, I've never been to hell, don't know what it's like, but I bet it hurts)
I prayed. I prayed hard that night. I cried. I wept. I drained my tears to sleep. God knows how I slept that night. It was a dreamless night. An uneventful sleep. In which I awoke at 2pm the next day (or rather the same day... I'm getting nocturnal).
What could I do? What was I to think? I believed that I was that bad a person. I believed that I was a horrible boyfriend. What more would I be if and when I get married? And if I DO get married, what kind of a horrible husband (and father) would I be?
Would I be... Like my stepfather...?
Horror of horrors, I hope not. I pray not. If I DO turn out to be like that, I might as well never get married. I'd save my future unwedded wife the torture and my kids, the pain.
Time passes by...
I sat in front of my comp. I was reluctant to do anything. Anything at all. I had no reason to. No initiative. What could I do that would actually help anyone at all anyway? Nobody really needs me. When I look back, it seems that things would've gone better if I never existed. My stepfather would have less to hate about, my mother would have less burdens to bear, my friends wouldn't have to listen to so many sob sad stupid stories, my closer friends wouldn't have to take on the responsibility of reading this stupid blog has nothing more than crap, rants and stuff like that...
The world would be a much better place without me.
Is that really true...? I DID pray the night before, that I wanted ECYL and JKJN to come to Christ, even if it meant getting me out of the way. I prayed that even if it meant that I would have to disappear from the mortal life, I would allow that. It seemed that I wanted them to be saved so badly. I know JKJN isn't saved, and I'm sure ECYL isn't exactly living a Christian life either. Not with those kind of posts at least.
Let not Judgement cloud your mind. For who are we to Judge?
I went online. Played a couple of games that resulted in more losses than wins (heck I didn't feel like moving my arms to click the mouse at all).
Then I checked my e-mail.
Sure enough, BL (no not Boy Love damnit) was there. (that's it, I'm changing BL to BLSL OK? GAH... NO IT IS NOT ADSL). He posted the first (and so far, only) comment.
It's there for you to read. I'm not gonna spam my own blog with comments from previous posts that are available for the eyes of the public in just a few clicks away.
I was... Touched. It's true, I don't see the care that my friends (at least from BLSL) give to me. Maybe for a change, for once, I could.
A stone in the darkness. Cold and insignificant.
I deleted the e-mail. Read through the next few and closed my mailbox.
Later in the day, MPL came on. (She now reads this blog.) She commented that I sounded rather sad.
Wow. That's a relief. At least someone in that amount of people I actually talked to that day noticed I wasn't feeling very... Right, at the very least. Not that I would usualy feel right at any time of the day at all (most times when people ask how am I, I'd reply with a very casual "I'm fat").
Well, she read my entry.
Needless to say, she cheered me up.
I hate cute girls. Cute as in small, petite and well... Adorable. Not ugly. And NOT small and fat (I know some people think that everything is cute, especially small and fat stuff. I DON'T). They cheer me up too easilly. I'm too vulnerable to cute girls.
I've GOT to do something about that.
Considering the fact that I actually have a kinda crush on MPL (YES FINE DAMNIT I ADMIT OK??? BUT SHE'S CUTE ANY GUY WOULD GO FOR HER GEEZ)... It doesn't help with me staying in depression state for so long.
And considering the other fact that I took it to heart so much that I'd help her when she stumbles, even if I am never to be seen or heard. Even if I was the silent helper, never to be talked about, never to be known.
And now, I'm being helped. I'm having my role reversed on me.
Talk about being ashamed.
Nah I was just jk.
It's what I wanted right? I've been boosting people up so much that I've fallen down and gotten too tired to get up by myself again. I wanted someone to boost me up. I wanted... SOMEONE to just... Push me even when I reject their offer for help.
Even when I tell them I'm alright.
Even when I'm dying and still say that I'm fine.
I woke up the next day (today) with more meaning in life than ever before. I knew I was not the same. I felt different. I wanted to... To CHANGE the clique that my life is. With God's help and guidance of course.
I wanted... To pursue that hope of one day becoming a celebrated Chinese singer in Japan.
For Christian songs.
Something like Jars of Clay. Or Casting Crowns.
But in Japanese.
We all know that the Japanese still do not favour the Chinese.
But I felt the calling. If I follow it with my heart and faith, I know I can make it there. I know I can make the difference.
I know that God will push me there.
GOTHIG - God Of The Heavens Is Great.
A band that wears semi-gothic clothes (of course not fully gothic, that's bad for image and impression) and sings Christian Rock songs in Japanese. Composing them too of course.
Wearing of course, huge crosses where the body and cloth permits.
I had that vision.
I felt the calling.
I want to pursue it with the little faith and courage that I have.
I WILL make the difference.
But... Who will make the difference with me...?
God... Thank you for lifting me up. I believe those words were words that You gave and meant for me and only me. I believe that this time, truly, my life is changed. For the better. Complacency and lack of faith... Will be less. I believe that in time, they will totally disappear. For now, I want to thank you for speaking to me through BLSL and MPL. I thank you for the existence of the both of them. They mean so much to me.
And MPL, if you know who you are (that's a VERY weird phrase), I want to thank you. So much. You are NOT insignificant. You are NOT, unseen. Your troubles will NOT be yours to carry alone, if you will allow me to help you.
You are NOT unloved and uncared for.
I know you have a BF, so this is under friendly terms.
I love you. For being my friend. When I needed one. The most.
And one more.
God Of The Heavens, loves you too. Jesus loves you.
And if there isn't an earthly father for you to turn to, know that there will always be a Heavenly Father in whom you can always depend on. Who will NEVER let you down.
God bless all of you.
Especially you. For reading my blog.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
I couldn't believe. I couldn't comprehend the fact. I couldn't take in the hurt.
I couldn't bear that 2 people I once cared for so much, and still do, despise me.
I wish I could just end it all, throw it all away, ease the pain, if not make it disappear completely.
It hurt.
Like heck. (I can't say like hell, I've never been to hell, don't know what it's like, but I bet it hurts)
I prayed. I prayed hard that night. I cried. I wept. I drained my tears to sleep. God knows how I slept that night. It was a dreamless night. An uneventful sleep. In which I awoke at 2pm the next day (or rather the same day... I'm getting nocturnal).
What could I do? What was I to think? I believed that I was that bad a person. I believed that I was a horrible boyfriend. What more would I be if and when I get married? And if I DO get married, what kind of a horrible husband (and father) would I be?
Would I be... Like my stepfather...?
Horror of horrors, I hope not. I pray not. If I DO turn out to be like that, I might as well never get married. I'd save my future unwedded wife the torture and my kids, the pain.
Time passes by...
I sat in front of my comp. I was reluctant to do anything. Anything at all. I had no reason to. No initiative. What could I do that would actually help anyone at all anyway? Nobody really needs me. When I look back, it seems that things would've gone better if I never existed. My stepfather would have less to hate about, my mother would have less burdens to bear, my friends wouldn't have to listen to so many sob sad stupid stories, my closer friends wouldn't have to take on the responsibility of reading this stupid blog has nothing more than crap, rants and stuff like that...
The world would be a much better place without me.
Is that really true...? I DID pray the night before, that I wanted ECYL and JKJN to come to Christ, even if it meant getting me out of the way. I prayed that even if it meant that I would have to disappear from the mortal life, I would allow that. It seemed that I wanted them to be saved so badly. I know JKJN isn't saved, and I'm sure ECYL isn't exactly living a Christian life either. Not with those kind of posts at least.
Let not Judgement cloud your mind. For who are we to Judge?
I went online. Played a couple of games that resulted in more losses than wins (heck I didn't feel like moving my arms to click the mouse at all).
Then I checked my e-mail.
Sure enough, BL (no not Boy Love damnit) was there. (that's it, I'm changing BL to BLSL OK? GAH... NO IT IS NOT ADSL). He posted the first (and so far, only) comment.
It's there for you to read. I'm not gonna spam my own blog with comments from previous posts that are available for the eyes of the public in just a few clicks away.
I was... Touched. It's true, I don't see the care that my friends (at least from BLSL) give to me. Maybe for a change, for once, I could.
A stone in the darkness. Cold and insignificant.
I deleted the e-mail. Read through the next few and closed my mailbox.
Later in the day, MPL came on. (She now reads this blog.) She commented that I sounded rather sad.
Wow. That's a relief. At least someone in that amount of people I actually talked to that day noticed I wasn't feeling very... Right, at the very least. Not that I would usualy feel right at any time of the day at all (most times when people ask how am I, I'd reply with a very casual "I'm fat").
Well, she read my entry.
Needless to say, she cheered me up.
I hate cute girls. Cute as in small, petite and well... Adorable. Not ugly. And NOT small and fat (I know some people think that everything is cute, especially small and fat stuff. I DON'T). They cheer me up too easilly. I'm too vulnerable to cute girls.
I've GOT to do something about that.
Considering the fact that I actually have a kinda crush on MPL (YES FINE DAMNIT I ADMIT OK??? BUT SHE'S CUTE ANY GUY WOULD GO FOR HER GEEZ)... It doesn't help with me staying in depression state for so long.
And considering the other fact that I took it to heart so much that I'd help her when she stumbles, even if I am never to be seen or heard. Even if I was the silent helper, never to be talked about, never to be known.
And now, I'm being helped. I'm having my role reversed on me.
Talk about being ashamed.
Nah I was just jk.
It's what I wanted right? I've been boosting people up so much that I've fallen down and gotten too tired to get up by myself again. I wanted someone to boost me up. I wanted... SOMEONE to just... Push me even when I reject their offer for help.
Even when I tell them I'm alright.
Even when I'm dying and still say that I'm fine.
I woke up the next day (today) with more meaning in life than ever before. I knew I was not the same. I felt different. I wanted to... To CHANGE the clique that my life is. With God's help and guidance of course.
I wanted... To pursue that hope of one day becoming a celebrated Chinese singer in Japan.
For Christian songs.
Something like Jars of Clay. Or Casting Crowns.
But in Japanese.
We all know that the Japanese still do not favour the Chinese.
But I felt the calling. If I follow it with my heart and faith, I know I can make it there. I know I can make the difference.
I know that God will push me there.
GOTHIG - God Of The Heavens Is Great.
A band that wears semi-gothic clothes (of course not fully gothic, that's bad for image and impression) and sings Christian Rock songs in Japanese. Composing them too of course.
Wearing of course, huge crosses where the body and cloth permits.
I had that vision.
I felt the calling.
I want to pursue it with the little faith and courage that I have.
I WILL make the difference.
But... Who will make the difference with me...?
God... Thank you for lifting me up. I believe those words were words that You gave and meant for me and only me. I believe that this time, truly, my life is changed. For the better. Complacency and lack of faith... Will be less. I believe that in time, they will totally disappear. For now, I want to thank you for speaking to me through BLSL and MPL. I thank you for the existence of the both of them. They mean so much to me.
And MPL, if you know who you are (that's a VERY weird phrase), I want to thank you. So much. You are NOT insignificant. You are NOT, unseen. Your troubles will NOT be yours to carry alone, if you will allow me to help you.
You are NOT unloved and uncared for.
I know you have a BF, so this is under friendly terms.
I love you. For being my friend. When I needed one. The most.
And one more.
God Of The Heavens, loves you too. Jesus loves you.
And if there isn't an earthly father for you to turn to, know that there will always be a Heavenly Father in whom you can always depend on. Who will NEVER let you down.
God bless all of you.
Especially you. For reading my blog.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:44 am
2 Comments:
dude, you're a serious hypocrite already man.. i remember posting an entry just like this, wishing what the world would be like without me.. and i thought it would be a better place without me... remember what you told me? how selfish that thought is? after all that your parents have done for you, after all that your friends have seen you go through and been there for you?
dude, i know you may not like your step father that much so screw him (literally) but think about your mom? dude, shut up and don't think about stupid stuff will ya? you told me not to think about it and now you're practically thinking the same thing.. if you weren't worth it, satan wouldn't even bother trying to mess around with your life and bringing you down.. so think about it.. why is satan messing your life? same thing you told me man, cuz you're a threat to him.. so continue being that threat to him and continue to shine through Yahveh's eyes..
dude, Job's Done! wahahhaha.. always glad to leave comments man.. after all, you're like the only one who leaves comments on my blog too so yeah, what you give, you get back! =) chill man.. c ya around..
Nyaaa~~~ *hugglez*
Yokatta nee? =^^= Zenbu wa mou...
Mew.
Nothing is perfect. Nothing became excellent, brilliant, spectacular in any way~ Yet, things are still there... things are still moving... things are still yet to happen... things have still yet come to an end. ^^ Isn't it nicer and better this way? If things went too (as in really, TOO~~~) well, it'd feel as if you were living a lie, trapped in an illusion... Strangely enough, really -great- things can be painful at times. I know. I don't know how I would or do considering things had never turned out "perfect" for me, but well, yea... ^^;; I'm satisfied~ Surely, I wish and dream for sho many, many things~ But even as it is now, I'm happy! *^^*
"Give me hope, and give me an end. Don't leave me to live forever in loneliness. May this vague kiss be my last goodbye, end this boundless journey of mine in believing there will be much better comfort.
Give me love, and give me solitude. Don't leave me to live forever in happiness. It makes people wonder if they are living in a fake, in a lifeless dream ...which you'll never awake from."
- lyrics taken from mwe own blog.
Somehow, somewhere along the way... No. Throughout the entire journey, I had learnt so, so many things. And I'm glad. I'm thankful. I've learnt to look forward to the future, not live in fear of it... Yet, remember to never forget the present! Live it to its fullest! Never throw away your past... for it has become a very precious part of you, that will forever serve as your guide. Please... try not to see it as a burden, nee? *nods*
"Unintentionally...
You may come to fight with your best friend.
You may come to blame a new love for things an old one did.
You may come to cry so helplessly because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt before!
...because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
- taken from mwe blog ash well... Lol~ *gets whacked for all the quotations*
Keke... Nyaa~ *pat pat* Many things sound sad, yet people are happy... Really, they are. It's just how you choose to believe it. ^^ Stand strong my dear... You know you want to. You know what you believe. You know what you want. You know and had always knew ...yourself.
You really just... wanted, needed... someone to say those words to you, deshou? You only wanted... wanted to hear those things you yourself knew all too well was the right thing to do... you just wished to hear it come from another being, another existence. You wanted so badly to know... needed so much that reassurance... that you were not smiply clouding yourself in oblivion, denial, fooling, lying to yourself, deshou?
You thought you saw a piece of reality slapped right in front of your face! That all your values were worthless lies... And before second thought, you broke down. It was because you -believed- you had reached a dead end... You forgotten, that there really is, no such thing as a "dead end".
Life doesn't have to make sense. Love shouldn't have to be logical. It they did and were, everything just... wouldn't seem right, deshou?
"Life's a gamble. Love's a game."
Yet, the world isn't being cruel.
It's just crazy. =^^=V Mew! X3
Keke... Well, there! I'd told you everything! ^^ And I'm telling you again! And I'll tell you as many times as it takes, until you finally get it~ You know you already do, don't you..? X3 Nyuu... *pat* It's okie, you can rest, my dear.
It's not weak... to wish for that "support"... It's not weak to wish for a hand to help you up, even though you know all so well that you could still, with all your strength, manage to stand on your own... over and over. You always did. Always had.
You just got tired, didn't you?
Mou... It's okie already. *pat* =^^=
"...you'll change that?", deshou?
It's okie... Take small steps my dear... No one is rushing you... Walk firmly this time. I'll be waiting at the end, together with those precious people who had faith in you, regardless of whether they walked alongside you on that same path, they were still there, and believe it, you will find them at the end. ^^
Dakara... oboeteru yo! Jibun no kotoba ni, wasurette wa dame da yo.
"Everything will be okay in the end...
If it's not okay, then, it's not the end."
Shinjitte yo! Nn! *nods* =^^= Mew.
LOL~ and another thing... just because I have a bf already doesn't mean my friends has some duty to stay as far away from me as possible nyaa... -__-lll Kekeke... daijoubu da yo~ You guys ain't being troublesome, in the way, a nuisense, an interuption nor anything close to that at all la nyaa! @__@;; To both me, and him. ^^ Sho don't worry about it, don't feel akward, kekok, bad or whatever the like around me la kie? ^^;; You don't have to force yourself to keep a distance de la... *pat pat*
Just be honest.
For once, be truly honest... with all your heart. Scream, laugh, cry... "a luxury you can't afford?" Everyone has the rights entitled to such things!! Mou, you know that! They may seem like just simple-like trivial matters... things at the spur of a moment... things that don't really matter nor is capable of making a difference... but I know you're not one to think that way, deshou? You know how much it means... Maybe you even think too highly of such...
Yet, regardless, remember... remember... don't forget. Do what you choose to do. You're not being selfish. Don't worry. ^^ You won't realize how loving yourself is alsho helping others sho, sho much-chuu in many strangely funny ways nyaa! =^^=
It's true that I still really don't know a lot about you... but somehow or rather, retarded as it may seem, you remind me of myself a little, in a way... =^^= So did my boi and a couple of other very, very dear friends... Maybe... because of that, I feel attached to you guys in a funny manner. =^^= Lol~ Not that it's a bad thing though. At all. *nods* X3
...Just let it go nya~ kie!? Let out everything! Randomly drop by and hug a loved one~~~ It's not being a bother, don't think too much over it. ^^V As crazy and retarded as it may feel, it'll really make you feel sho, sho much better nyuu... You're not being too vulnerable. You're not being a bother ...Believe that.
In this crazy, topsidery, absurd, retarded, yet beautiful world... always, always remember... you're not standing alone.
You never had to, never will.
Kimi no taisetsu no tomodachi-tachi wa zettai~ anata no soba ni mamoritsuzuketa..! Dakara... jibun no koto wa mou... shinjitteimasu! *nods* =^^=
Mew~~~ *glompweez*
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