Disgrace

That's what I am. A Disgrace. Not only to myself, but to everyone who knows me.


Guess what. Through someone's blog (namely someone who reads this blog too. wow, so specific) I managed to hack and slash (find if it's too stupid to be understood) my way into - guess who.

JKJN and ECYL's blogs.

Both of them.

And it turns out, they're close. Very close.



JKJN's blog had a handy dandy search button. Already anticipating what I would read, I typed in my name and clicked. Little did I know that I was in for things worse than I could expect.

Taken from her blog (she won't find this blog, so I think it should be ok. If she does, I'm pretty much dead. Yay. I'm digging my own grave and making my own coffin.)

~~~

People wonder how I met ECYL (name edited for protection against viruses and crap by me). As she put it very eloquently once, our friendship “rose from the ashes of a very annoying flame”. Strangely enough, when I was on-off with him (on, but he was currently, then, seeing a lot of this suspicious “ECYL girl”), I actually had a dream that I was hanging out with her. Not just like “hanging out”, more like having a total blast…and it turned out to be true.

We were friends all through their relationship (I found out he had been cheating on me), and when it ended we were even closer. In fact, that’s why she broke up. Because she was in love with ME and we could be lots closer.

At the end of the day, BKA (That's me, BKA. Don't ask) was gone (but sadly, his cat fetish still lives on), but ECYL and me are intelligent and exciting and better than ever. We now take you by storm.

J: I’m trying to post something intelligent and exciting.
E: Say, “Yay yay yay i won money and i didn’t have to strip for it”.
E: It’s very intelligent because everyone wants money. And it’s very exciting for the same reason.
E: You didn’t say anything about it having to be TRUE.
J: I could say I killed BKA and hung him outside your window. That’s exciting. But unfortunately, not very intelligent. To catch BKA you just have to say meow. And you should preferably, be in posession of a large mosquito net.

E: Oh no sweetie. Hanging him outside my window isn’t very intelligent either…and no mosquito net for him. i’ll just pull the little black trigger
J: Oh that’s sooooo unartistic of you.
E: The point is not to give him a chance to be ‘artistic’. Sob speeches make my temper short.
J: And I’d hang him outside your window because I know you appreciate my sense of humour.
E: And I’ll just keep opening and closing that window…like, REALLY hard.
J: I thought that’s only if i stick his head in between your half-open window.
E: Whichever body part gets in there, as long as it hurts.
J: But isn’t he dead? Oh, I forgot. That’s inconsequential.

~~~



Wow. What a post. I didn't know if I should laugh, cry, or elope myself in depression. Usually, I'd do the 3rd, but this time I was just...

Stunned.

Words can kill.

I had understood that JKJN and ECYL weren't exactly on good terms with me. In fact, ECYL hated me. She still does. And I can't exactly blame her at all.

JKJN... Wouldn't be very far off either. She and ECYL has every right to hate me for everything I did. Looking back on those years, I admit.


I was a fucking asshole.


I'll allow that profanity to pass. I wouldn't even think twice. I deserve it. (Fortunately those who read this blog would have heard of more and worse profanity elsewhere).


There is a price for everything.


I felt like dying on the spot. That's if I didn't already die then and there. I had reread the letters that JKJN gave me when we were together. Everytime I read them, I cry. Not tears of joy, but tears of grief. I guess I was much too immature then to ever realise the pain in her words.

But I never changed. Not then. I was an asshole. Even till ECYL.



I cheated on JKJN.


Bad memories sting worse than the most poisonous bee.


And now, I don't know how I can face the next day. Heck, I don't know how, but I know I will. And probably with remorse, grief and depression.


I had a chat earlier with CSY. She told me that "You're what you think you are, and if you think you're that, you will be." I agree.

I think I'm a low down, good for nothing, idiotic, psychologically freaked, ungrateful, unreliable, with an unfathomed bastardic lump of mashed up bullshit for a brain, fucking asshole.


Will life go on...?


I'll still check on their blogs. I should delete those I don't check/are dead and make space for theirs. Seems like I've got more blogs to read up every day now.


And CSY, I admit. I AM of a depressive nature. I tend to look at things very negatively. My excuse is so that I may prepare for the worst that could come from those situations. It's an excuse, not a reason. I don't even know if it's true on my part. Which is why, I really need people to continue edifying me. I admit, I have not looked and been grateful for how much care my friends shower on me. I'm very grateful for those who even leave comments at all (all of which, so far, other than the ads, are good ones). Words can't describe how graetful I am for those comments which can really life my spirit and make me feel... Loved, for a few days, if not weeks. However, words on the internet can only do so much. I want people to talk with me, face to face. I know I have walls which I build so high in order to prevent anyone from entering my messed up room for a mind.

Which is why, I want someone to break those walls. Someone... Who can just pull at 1 brick and make the fortress fall to a heap of rubble. I build those walls around people. I build them even higher among friends. I know how much some of them need me, and I need to be as strong as possible in order to be there for them.

I need to be invincible to help them. Or at least, close.


Never judge a book by its cover. Especially hard-cover books.


On the inside... I'm crumbling like a piece of ancient parchment in the wind. Slowly but surely, the parchment gets destroyed, and scattered around by the eve blowing wind.




JKJN and ECYL were people I cared about. They still are. But I can't reach them at this state. The closest I can get to ECYL is through her brother, whom I can contact at any time. However, ECYL made him promise never to disclose any information about her to me.

On JKJN's side, I know her younger sister. We go to the same church. But I don't know her well. And she seems to want to avoid me more often than not.



I brought ECYL to my church. She liked it. But because of me, she stopped altogether. And her younger sister stopped a few months after.


I prayed for JKJN for 3 years, if not more. The result was her sister accepting Christ in one of our youth camps, brought by one of her friends whom I knew as well. I was overjoyed. Then, I backslided, got lazy and didn't pray for her anymore. Things have been stagnant since.







A disgrace. To myself, my family, my friends, all those who know me... A disgrace to Christ as well.


How can I ever face anyone with my real self now...?





God...


I don't know what to say. I can't say anything. If I'm speechless for the first time in my life, then so be it. There's a first in many things, if not everything.


Forgive me, God. Words can't describe what I feel like right now. Even (excuse my language) "fucking asshole" isn't enough to cover what I really feel like calling myself.

I've been a disgrace to You. I AM a disgrace to You.

Disgrace... Is such a strong word. Such a strong word that inspiration tingles within me once more. But time is not on my side, and I have to reside back in my quarters before yon-parents awaken...

My own self grade has suddenly gone back to the level of prostitutes and whores. If not lower. God, depression strikes again.

And it hit at a very vulnerable spot.

Damned be Lucifer for being so smart.


Lost.

Bound, Broken, Torn.