Excuses and Reasons. Are they not alike?
BLSL,
I'm sorry. I know I've been an ass. I feel more and more like Charles Foster Kane now (Citizen Kane). Find out who Charles Foster Kane was, watch the movie and you'll know what I mean.
MPL,
I'll get straight to the point, seeing that I don't have much time.
The reason why I didn't open up to you was because I dared not. I'm a very sensitive person, and if I start opening up to someone especially a girl, I tend to develop feelings (especially to girls I find extremely cute, seeing that I've been 'diagnosed' to be a lolicon).
I know you have someone. And as a friend, I need to respect that. I care for you, that's why I choose to close myself to you.
Don't you see? If I open up to you, I fear I may develop feelings for you, or rather develop more than I already have. I know just how much I'm capable of doing, and I do not want to destroy anything, or even try to. These are things I do not want to do, because I really care for you. I like you. You're probably the cutest little thing I've seen around. I like your personality, your looks, your hyperness... I like a lot about you. Yet knowing that you've got a boyfriend means I cannot and MUST not make any moves on you. I've already done more than I should. I'm a very physical person too and frankly, having you nearby and allowing me to pat you so often doesn't help one bit. I can't stop my emotions from flowing. It's beyond my control. But my body and the doors to my mind are fortunately within my reach. My understanding is that I must do everything I can to not interfere with your love life. I'm sure you'd rather I not too, and so would Tsuki-kun.
My emotions are too simple. I develop feelings too easilly. Yet handling them is not as easy as that. In order to respect my friend's love life and their own personal life as well, I need to control myself as much as I can, instead of allowing my emotions to take over.
And I'm sorry, but according to what I understand of my faith, there IS a 100% Right and 100% Wrong. I live on the basis of extremeties for things that can change my entire lifestyle and life. My decisions are usually based on extremeties. That is something I don't want to change. After all, a person either goes to Heaven or to Hell, and not in between, no?
Which brings me to the question of my faith and the things I wanted to tell you.
I know I should tell you anyway, I've been wrong to keep them away from you. Yet, I just somehow feel that you might not and probably will not understand. Yet even if you don't, I should tell. I'm sorry I did not. I'm also afraid that I make it harsh. Sometimes when I let go of myself a bit too much, my tone of words change dramatically. It's probably due to me falling away from my faith again. I know I do a lot, and constantly try to get back up, resulting in a fluctuating chart that never goes above a certain point and never below a certain point. Anyway, the next time I get to catch you when we're both not too busy, I'll try to tell.
And about blaming myself... Well, it might have been because of the way I was brought up. When I was a child as far as I could remember back to primary school days, everything that went wrong around me would mostly be my fault. During primary school days, I wasn't pampered and brought up slowly with understanding. When I did wrong, I would be caned. Well maybe not for every single darned thing that I did wrong. But I DO remember having to go back to school with black can marks all over my legs, some to the point they might have been bleeding internally. Basically, I was taught that for everything that went wrong, I was to blame. No one else. Don't blame your teacher, don't blame your friends. Instead, look at what YOU did wrong. What they did wrong is not for you to judge. It didn't matter whether I was merely a bystander who got caught in the fray or a minor accomplice. As long as I was caught, I was to blame myself. What choice did I have then? If I was to voice my thoughts on otherwise, I would be scolded or caned. I was a child of 8-11 years old. What was I to think?
ECYL said that her mother told her "People will never change". I guess her mother would be partially right, in my point of view. My point of view is, "People will never change unless God intervenes." That is what I believe.
However, my faith is not to that point yet. I have a lot of doubts and fears. My main fear would be to move from my comfort zone, which is where I am right now. I am in the comfort of knowing my surroundings, knowing what I can expect or should expect, in short, knowing what will happen and what should happen. I don't like surprises in general. I prefer to stay safe. Which would all sum up to be : I am scared of moving on. My fear lies in moving forward in life and continuing with everything.
And if I'm being annoying and irritating in saying that I feel insignificant and invisible, I'll stop saying that. It's just the thought that comes across my mind often when I have important suggestion to voice and nobody listens. Or when I'm supposedly in a conversation and everyone mostly ignores my existence. I thank BNYL who has always noticed when I speak. It's a just a thought that pops up too often, due to my train of thoughts that usually goes like this :
Nobody's listening to what I'm saying...
Hello? Why isn't anyone listening?
I've got something important to say!
It could very well bring about a better outcome.
But no, nobody listens.
"Just because you don't say a word doesn't mean you're dumb."
"When you don't speak, people think you're stupid. When you speak, you CONFIRM you're stupid."
I guess I'm just...
Too insignificant to be noticed, aren't I...?
Too... Stupid for people to bother listening to me.
Too dumb and lame for people to bother trying to understand all the 'crap' that I have to say...
I know it's irrtating. It has to be, since I've been saying it over and over again, and people have been trying to tell me I'm not. It's something like people saying they're fat when they're really thin over and over again. I'll stop.
And if it makes anyone feel any better, I'll change my blog writing. My blog was meant to be my inner thoughts, my unsung problems and the things I really feel sad about. I guess it's annoying isn't it, reading about all my problems on and on? I'll stop. I'll change this blog.
From this day forward, this blog will not be sad or depressive or anything like that. My problems will not come out here. I don't need to lay my problems on someone else's back and expect them to read, 'blaming' them when they don't.
God...?
Thank you for the people who take the trouble to read my blog.
I'm sorry. I know I've been an ass. I feel more and more like Charles Foster Kane now (Citizen Kane). Find out who Charles Foster Kane was, watch the movie and you'll know what I mean.
MPL,
I'll get straight to the point, seeing that I don't have much time.
The reason why I didn't open up to you was because I dared not. I'm a very sensitive person, and if I start opening up to someone especially a girl, I tend to develop feelings (especially to girls I find extremely cute, seeing that I've been 'diagnosed' to be a lolicon).
I know you have someone. And as a friend, I need to respect that. I care for you, that's why I choose to close myself to you.
Don't you see? If I open up to you, I fear I may develop feelings for you, or rather develop more than I already have. I know just how much I'm capable of doing, and I do not want to destroy anything, or even try to. These are things I do not want to do, because I really care for you. I like you. You're probably the cutest little thing I've seen around. I like your personality, your looks, your hyperness... I like a lot about you. Yet knowing that you've got a boyfriend means I cannot and MUST not make any moves on you. I've already done more than I should. I'm a very physical person too and frankly, having you nearby and allowing me to pat you so often doesn't help one bit. I can't stop my emotions from flowing. It's beyond my control. But my body and the doors to my mind are fortunately within my reach. My understanding is that I must do everything I can to not interfere with your love life. I'm sure you'd rather I not too, and so would Tsuki-kun.
My emotions are too simple. I develop feelings too easilly. Yet handling them is not as easy as that. In order to respect my friend's love life and their own personal life as well, I need to control myself as much as I can, instead of allowing my emotions to take over.
And I'm sorry, but according to what I understand of my faith, there IS a 100% Right and 100% Wrong. I live on the basis of extremeties for things that can change my entire lifestyle and life. My decisions are usually based on extremeties. That is something I don't want to change. After all, a person either goes to Heaven or to Hell, and not in between, no?
Which brings me to the question of my faith and the things I wanted to tell you.
I know I should tell you anyway, I've been wrong to keep them away from you. Yet, I just somehow feel that you might not and probably will not understand. Yet even if you don't, I should tell. I'm sorry I did not. I'm also afraid that I make it harsh. Sometimes when I let go of myself a bit too much, my tone of words change dramatically. It's probably due to me falling away from my faith again. I know I do a lot, and constantly try to get back up, resulting in a fluctuating chart that never goes above a certain point and never below a certain point. Anyway, the next time I get to catch you when we're both not too busy, I'll try to tell.
And about blaming myself... Well, it might have been because of the way I was brought up. When I was a child as far as I could remember back to primary school days, everything that went wrong around me would mostly be my fault. During primary school days, I wasn't pampered and brought up slowly with understanding. When I did wrong, I would be caned. Well maybe not for every single darned thing that I did wrong. But I DO remember having to go back to school with black can marks all over my legs, some to the point they might have been bleeding internally. Basically, I was taught that for everything that went wrong, I was to blame. No one else. Don't blame your teacher, don't blame your friends. Instead, look at what YOU did wrong. What they did wrong is not for you to judge. It didn't matter whether I was merely a bystander who got caught in the fray or a minor accomplice. As long as I was caught, I was to blame myself. What choice did I have then? If I was to voice my thoughts on otherwise, I would be scolded or caned. I was a child of 8-11 years old. What was I to think?
ECYL said that her mother told her "People will never change". I guess her mother would be partially right, in my point of view. My point of view is, "People will never change unless God intervenes." That is what I believe.
However, my faith is not to that point yet. I have a lot of doubts and fears. My main fear would be to move from my comfort zone, which is where I am right now. I am in the comfort of knowing my surroundings, knowing what I can expect or should expect, in short, knowing what will happen and what should happen. I don't like surprises in general. I prefer to stay safe. Which would all sum up to be : I am scared of moving on. My fear lies in moving forward in life and continuing with everything.
And if I'm being annoying and irritating in saying that I feel insignificant and invisible, I'll stop saying that. It's just the thought that comes across my mind often when I have important suggestion to voice and nobody listens. Or when I'm supposedly in a conversation and everyone mostly ignores my existence. I thank BNYL who has always noticed when I speak. It's a just a thought that pops up too often, due to my train of thoughts that usually goes like this :
Nobody's listening to what I'm saying...
Hello? Why isn't anyone listening?
I've got something important to say!
It could very well bring about a better outcome.
But no, nobody listens.
"Just because you don't say a word doesn't mean you're dumb."
"When you don't speak, people think you're stupid. When you speak, you CONFIRM you're stupid."
I guess I'm just...
Too insignificant to be noticed, aren't I...?
Too... Stupid for people to bother listening to me.
Too dumb and lame for people to bother trying to understand all the 'crap' that I have to say...
I know it's irrtating. It has to be, since I've been saying it over and over again, and people have been trying to tell me I'm not. It's something like people saying they're fat when they're really thin over and over again. I'll stop.
And if it makes anyone feel any better, I'll change my blog writing. My blog was meant to be my inner thoughts, my unsung problems and the things I really feel sad about. I guess it's annoying isn't it, reading about all my problems on and on? I'll stop. I'll change this blog.
From this day forward, this blog will not be sad or depressive or anything like that. My problems will not come out here. I don't need to lay my problems on someone else's back and expect them to read, 'blaming' them when they don't.
God...?
Thank you for the people who take the trouble to read my blog.
posted by Liil Masks at 6:25 am
1 Comments:
dude... no worries man.. and no, you've not been an ass.. being an ass myself, i would know when someone is being an ass and you're definitely not being an ass, never were an ass and hopefully, you'll never be an ass.. hahaha.. that's a lot of 'asses' =p
anyways, why change your blog writing man? people leave comments is just to let you know what they're thinking about your entries that's all.. be it constructive or not, take it in and take it in your stride.. you said that you are who you are and you won't change right? so why change your blog writing just because you think or feel that people think your blog writings are irritating... cuz you know what? it's not.. it's cool man!
plus, it's your space to let out.. to share with people your feelings that you might find a lil hard to say from your mouth.. so it's cool man.. i'm sure all the others who reads your blog like me, A, MPL, DA nd everyone else just wants you to know that they care for you.. so what if sometimes the comments that people leave doesn't make you feel good when you read it.. who knows, maybe some comments that you leave on their blogs aren't really something that they like as well..
it's a give and take.. you gain some, you lose some.. it's the way the world that we're living in at the moment is working.. and i agree that there is a 100% right and a 100% wrong.. but we, being humans aren't that good in making the right or wrong decisions at precisely 100% accuracy.. cuz we're mortal human beings man, not spiritual beings.. loosen up a lil man.. you've been doing a lot of good things and you're still doing it.. and i know that you'll continue to do so as well.. =) so just chill aight.. cuz no matter at which angle you look at it, your mom, your friends and Yahveh are all definitely proud with all that you've done in your life so far.. =)
let loose man.. no point stressing yourself up right? =) Yahveh bless man.. ciao! =p
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