The Merge and Anger

I've merged my blogs together. Well sort of. I've put this blog's address in my other blog, so yeah anyone who knows that address will know this one. And I'm sort of closing the other blog as well, it'll only update this blog's address if I DO change it.

Well, that's for an update.

Now to the blogging.




Yesterday I asked my stepfather to move the car so I could drive to the cybercafe to update myself on email, forums, upload my new vid, yada yada.

And his tone in sarcasm and pompousness, he told me to go to Carrefour's cyber cafe instead, since I'm only going to check my email.

Without trying to further convince him, I just said fine and walked out of the house. I walked halfway to the cybercafe I normally go to before turning and walking towards ICQX's house instead to borrow a cable I forgot to bring. The reason why I wanted to go to the CC i usually go to is because I have an account there which I can top-up and use the credit later when the need arises. What's the point of trying to argue with him? I don't find the need to. I only wanted to drive because my left calf still hurts horribly and walking is a chore to do. What the heck. He doesn't care about me anyway, so I should've expected as much.


Walking home from the CC (after getting the cable from ICQX and fixing my slipper since it broke halfway), I was walking through a dimly-lit road near my house when I got a suicidal thought and drive.

I didn't want to go home... What was the point of going back in to face that man in which I've tried not to hate for so long? He just doesn't care about me. I get the notion everytime he speaks that he wants me out of the house cuz I'm draining his resources. That is all I feel.

I wanted to just... Lie down on the road and close my eyes and hopefully fall asleep... And open my eyes to find myself in a different place off the earth... Or not wake up at all... I was just... so tired...

It was strong... I really considered sitting down by the road for a while to regain my composure... I was... feeling so tired...

Again as I always have, I fought off the notion as vigorously as I could. What else could I do? I've vowed never to commit suicide, as it is a one-way ticket to hell according to my beliefs. Yet... As usual I could tell no one about all of it... Nobody really asks me about these kind of stuff... And hardly anyone reads my blog... Which is why I decided to reveal this address too. I'd say maybe 3 more people would find this blog address, and that's about it. If there were 10 more people, that'd be a miracle in itself already. Those who DO know this blog add... I doubt most of them really read my posts, and nobody EVER comments... Save for someone who recently posted the comments...

I managed to get home safe and sound... My mom doesn't understand that I draw my strength from friends whom I chat with. Chatting is my source of endorphines, or 'happy strength'. When I have no one to talk to... I get depressive. She doesn't understand, and I'm not sure if she wants to at all. She knows I value my friendships and talk time with them a lot. Yet she still seeks to deprive me of them. If she wants me to commit suicide, she should just tell me, and I'd get the hint.


Well... Anyway I asked her for the modem and she told me where to find it (she's away), so here I am blogging again.


And... Just a few minutes ago, I was lectured/nagged/scolded by my stepfather again. He asked where I got the modem, and when I told him my mom told me where to find it, he just scoffed and said that if I'm 'checking email then get off after I'm done cuz I'm just going to play online games again'.

Fuck.

That's all the both of them can ever think of, can they? That whenever I'm on the comp, I'm playing games.

FUCK.

Yes I admit I play a lot of games and spend lots of time on them cuz they are my MEANS OF ESCAPE FROM THE TWO OF YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE AND IT KEEPS MY FUCKING SANE. I FUCKING BLOG, CHECK EMAILS, FORUMS AND MOST OF ALL I CHAT WITH FRIENDS ONLINE CUZ CALLING IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

But no. All they ever see is me playing games, no matter WHAT I am doing.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I know I have something against swearing, but I'm not keeping it in anymore.

The blogs have merged, so everything I want to say will come out here.


Anyway, the fucking man kept on talking to my sister when she asked if she could play games cuz the internet is back. He said out loud obviously for me to hear,"No. What's the point of playing games if you can't study or FIND WORK? If playing INTERNET GAMES stops you from GETTING A JOB then don't play."

He's saying all that as if I'm invisible.

As if I'm not there.

It's obvious isn't it? He hates me and he wants me out.

I swear by my honour, when I can support myself fully I'm shifting out of the damned house and living on my own. Or with a friend. Who cares, as long as I'm out of that fucking house which hates me so much.

It's not my home.

I have no home.

For a house is a building.

A home is where love is, where you love your surroundings and they love you back.

I have no home.



I

HATE

him.





Sorry God, but I'm nothing but a failure and a disappointment to You.

I apologise and ask for forgiveness.