Mixed
I'm... confused.
I feel like I'm feeling a whole bunch of emotions now. A whole... Mix of emotions.
I'm feeling depressed because I haven't got a job and I feel guilty for making my mother worry, if she's worrying at all
I feel sad because I want to help a friend who's having emotional and family problems but I somehow get the vibe that she really doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about it
I feel depressed on the fact that I don't have a father and probably never will have one, especially after watching the movie 'Weather Man' where the protagonist's father is a wonderful friend and counselor to him who listens to what he says and asks him what they mean when he doesn't understand showing that he cares that much of his own son
Really depressed sad and gloomy about that last one
I'm annoyed, angered to the point of hatred of the man whom is SUPPOSED to take over that role but never will because he's an idiot who doesn't care the slightest about me, who cares more about MY car which MY MOM bought over ME who's driving it whenever I get into an accident even though it's NOT MY FAULT
who thinks he's ALWAYS right no matter the situation or facts, who BLAMES me for practically almost everything he can come up with, who thinks i'm an idiot, who treats me like i'm INVISIBLE, who switches the subject to some ancient long past historical moment in my life where I made a mistake and he scolded me WHENEVER I prove to him that I AM NOT IN THE WRONG for whatever he may be scolding me for at the particular moment
for making me even THINK ONCE that he actually means good for me or CAN behave nicely towards me because I KNOW AND BELIEVE THOSE WERE ALL LIES
for making my feminine side even more prominent in my life to the point of which I support, believe and would otherwise consider to be better women MORE than men.
And you asked why I have so much problems talking to men.
Again I'm feeling really sad for not having a father in my life. I shouldn't have watched that movie.
Sad because most of my friends who DO have my blog address(es) don't really bother to read my blogs, and even if they do they hardly/never comment to let me know that these post don't just get lost in cyberspace where no one other than God sees them. I comment on people's blogs from time to time just to remind them I'm still reading, that I'm still here, stay with me because I'll stay with you for you to share with as long as you allow it. Who cares about this guy? Who?
Annoyed because I've run out of games to play with and have resorted to old PlayStation1 games on my PSEmulater which is now taking up a lot of my time since i'm playing an RPG.
Worried because I'll be going out on Saturday knowing that I only have RM25 to spare so I can't eat.
Depressed because nobody really wants to chat with me when I'm online, initiate chat sequence and just ask "Hie! How're you?". I'm usually the one who goes through my online list and check for those who're not in busy/away/DND mode and ask how're they how's their day and so on and so forth just to catch up and remind them I'm here and I care. Again, who cares about this guy? He's just another one on my list. I'll look him up when I need help.
Sad because my mother doesn't understand me and doesn't seem to want to try anymore.
Once again depressed because I have no father
I wish I had a dog/cat that I could cuddle/hug and talk to (I know I'd be talking to myself but I don't care) and just tear my heart out on it because nobody besides my blog wants to listen to me. Whenever I start a conversation and move/hint it towards the more emotional/deep stuff, people just lose interest or have their attention swayed onto something else and forget I was ever talking. Especially my mom. At least dogs won't interrupt you or forget you're talking, though they probably understand next to peanuts about what you're trying to say. Cats lose interest fast.
I'm sitting down in front of my comp staring at it... And I just feel like... Every breath is hard to take in. Like I prefer being breathing out and staying breathless for just a second longer before I take my next breath... I wish I could ask a psychologist what all this means... But the only psychologists I know are 2 of my 'friends', 1 of whom I've lost contact with and another whom I think is just playing dumb because either she's really that innocent and has absolutely no idea what dirty jokes are (she's 21 but I'll say she should be 12) which would be extremely highly unlikely, or she's just playing dumb which after a few years gets very much irritating (to me), or she really IS dumb. As in dumb dumb, not innocent dumb. As for the other whom I've not contacted much, her advice will be the same as every other Tom, Dick and Hairy/Harry/Potty/Whatever which base foundation of answers would be the 'give you a good kick and you'll start' kind of thing. It's old, boring, cliched and I've heard it from practically everyone else. Creativity and originality is so hard to find.
And I especially hate it when people have no idea what you're going through and they say "I understand". Understand what? That you're dumb? That's good. The best comment to a situation where perhaps you've seen/thought before and can't come up with a solution other than one that's old/cliched/boring-and-same-old-friggin-thing
is to shut up. Then make sure your tone being slow and reassuring, try to bring in already known facts to ensure the person already knows the same-old-friggin-thing. THEN you try to perhaps think of another solution, or just tell the person that you can't come up with anything that'll help any, besides the same-old-friggin-thing. Then it's easier to understand. Throwing the cliched Anvil on the person's head'll just get the person frustrated DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?
Especially for people with low self-esteem, kickstart is NOT something that WORKS. If you look at it as a way to work them to their suicides, then hell yeah they work. People with low self-esteem need coaxing, talking, time and patience. They don't get out of it overnight damnit. It takes dats, weeks and sometimes months to get them into believing that they can actually make a blardy difference. Why doesn't ANY OF THOSE BRAINLESS HAPPY-GO-LUCKY EXTROVERTS THINK THAT BEFORE TALKING? They probably don't even THINK, which is usually the case isn't it?
Note: Happy-go-lucky extrovert =/= extrovert.
And I feel guilty of sin. The most disturbing thing is that i feel less and less guilt every day. Which sickens me. Am I going to sin so often that I'll feel it's okay to sin?
If that ever happens I should probably go get hit by a truck. And hope that's not considered as suicide.
*sigh*
It's 4:41am. I should be asleep, and so I'm going to sleep.
God...
How can I go through baptism when I'm not even prepared to enter the water?
I would drown.
Bless my blogreaders.
I feel like I'm feeling a whole bunch of emotions now. A whole... Mix of emotions.
I'm feeling depressed because I haven't got a job and I feel guilty for making my mother worry, if she's worrying at all
I feel sad because I want to help a friend who's having emotional and family problems but I somehow get the vibe that she really doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about it
I feel depressed on the fact that I don't have a father and probably never will have one, especially after watching the movie 'Weather Man' where the protagonist's father is a wonderful friend and counselor to him who listens to what he says and asks him what they mean when he doesn't understand showing that he cares that much of his own son
Really depressed sad and gloomy about that last one
I'm annoyed, angered to the point of hatred of the man whom is SUPPOSED to take over that role but never will because he's an idiot who doesn't care the slightest about me, who cares more about MY car which MY MOM bought over ME who's driving it whenever I get into an accident even though it's NOT MY FAULT
who thinks he's ALWAYS right no matter the situation or facts, who BLAMES me for practically almost everything he can come up with, who thinks i'm an idiot, who treats me like i'm INVISIBLE, who switches the subject to some ancient long past historical moment in my life where I made a mistake and he scolded me WHENEVER I prove to him that I AM NOT IN THE WRONG for whatever he may be scolding me for at the particular moment
for making me even THINK ONCE that he actually means good for me or CAN behave nicely towards me because I KNOW AND BELIEVE THOSE WERE ALL LIES
for making my feminine side even more prominent in my life to the point of which I support, believe and would otherwise consider to be better women MORE than men.
And you asked why I have so much problems talking to men.
Again I'm feeling really sad for not having a father in my life. I shouldn't have watched that movie.
Sad because most of my friends who DO have my blog address(es) don't really bother to read my blogs, and even if they do they hardly/never comment to let me know that these post don't just get lost in cyberspace where no one other than God sees them. I comment on people's blogs from time to time just to remind them I'm still reading, that I'm still here, stay with me because I'll stay with you for you to share with as long as you allow it. Who cares about this guy? Who?
Annoyed because I've run out of games to play with and have resorted to old PlayStation1 games on my PSEmulater which is now taking up a lot of my time since i'm playing an RPG.
Worried because I'll be going out on Saturday knowing that I only have RM25 to spare so I can't eat.
Depressed because nobody really wants to chat with me when I'm online, initiate chat sequence and just ask "Hie! How're you?". I'm usually the one who goes through my online list and check for those who're not in busy/away/DND mode and ask how're they how's their day and so on and so forth just to catch up and remind them I'm here and I care. Again, who cares about this guy? He's just another one on my list. I'll look him up when I need help.
Sad because my mother doesn't understand me and doesn't seem to want to try anymore.
Once again depressed because I have no father
I wish I had a dog/cat that I could cuddle/hug and talk to (I know I'd be talking to myself but I don't care) and just tear my heart out on it because nobody besides my blog wants to listen to me. Whenever I start a conversation and move/hint it towards the more emotional/deep stuff, people just lose interest or have their attention swayed onto something else and forget I was ever talking. Especially my mom. At least dogs won't interrupt you or forget you're talking, though they probably understand next to peanuts about what you're trying to say. Cats lose interest fast.
I'm sitting down in front of my comp staring at it... And I just feel like... Every breath is hard to take in. Like I prefer being breathing out and staying breathless for just a second longer before I take my next breath... I wish I could ask a psychologist what all this means... But the only psychologists I know are 2 of my 'friends', 1 of whom I've lost contact with and another whom I think is just playing dumb because either she's really that innocent and has absolutely no idea what dirty jokes are (she's 21 but I'll say she should be 12) which would be extremely highly unlikely, or she's just playing dumb which after a few years gets very much irritating (to me), or she really IS dumb. As in dumb dumb, not innocent dumb. As for the other whom I've not contacted much, her advice will be the same as every other Tom, Dick and Hairy/Harry/Potty/Whatever which base foundation of answers would be the 'give you a good kick and you'll start' kind of thing. It's old, boring, cliched and I've heard it from practically everyone else. Creativity and originality is so hard to find.
And I especially hate it when people have no idea what you're going through and they say "I understand". Understand what? That you're dumb? That's good. The best comment to a situation where perhaps you've seen/thought before and can't come up with a solution other than one that's old/cliched/boring-and-same-old-friggin-thing
is to shut up. Then make sure your tone being slow and reassuring, try to bring in already known facts to ensure the person already knows the same-old-friggin-thing. THEN you try to perhaps think of another solution, or just tell the person that you can't come up with anything that'll help any, besides the same-old-friggin-thing. Then it's easier to understand. Throwing the cliched Anvil on the person's head'll just get the person frustrated DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?
Especially for people with low self-esteem, kickstart is NOT something that WORKS. If you look at it as a way to work them to their suicides, then hell yeah they work. People with low self-esteem need coaxing, talking, time and patience. They don't get out of it overnight damnit. It takes dats, weeks and sometimes months to get them into believing that they can actually make a blardy difference. Why doesn't ANY OF THOSE BRAINLESS HAPPY-GO-LUCKY EXTROVERTS THINK THAT BEFORE TALKING? They probably don't even THINK, which is usually the case isn't it?
Note: Happy-go-lucky extrovert =/= extrovert.
And I feel guilty of sin. The most disturbing thing is that i feel less and less guilt every day. Which sickens me. Am I going to sin so often that I'll feel it's okay to sin?
If that ever happens I should probably go get hit by a truck. And hope that's not considered as suicide.
*sigh*
It's 4:41am. I should be asleep, and so I'm going to sleep.
God...
How can I go through baptism when I'm not even prepared to enter the water?
I would drown.
Bless my blogreaders.
posted by Liil Masks at 1:07 pm
1 Comments:
dude.. that's a lot of pent up emotions man.. chill man.. i know how it's like to go through emotions like that, though not for your particular reason..
thing is, people do read your blog and whether you like it or not, you can't force them to leave comments if they don't feel like it.. eventhough you do leave comments on their blogs but it's up to them.. you can't expect to get in return what you do to others all the time.. heck, you can't expect to even get it back once!
although i can't tell you how it's gonna turn out cuz i've never been in situations that you're in right now but, as long as you believe in Yahveh, you will be alright and i'm pretty sure you will.. =) just hang in there buddy.. things will be cool.. =)
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