BBQ
No I'm not having a barbeque or bbq or babicue or whatever. The title was random.
Feeling extremely lonely at the moment. Don't know why.
Which reminds me. I haven't bathed.
I'll bathe after I finish this post I guess.
I wanna trade in my SE K800i for a SEK810i. The K810i has light adjustments to the picture, which makes the pictures brighter and more see-able. It's abt RM900 for one, and if i trade in my phone I can probably get RM400. So that means another 400 bucks to get it :/
Not that my phone sucks or anything, it's still the best phone I've used so far. Only drawback is that the speaker's soft. Wish they'd put a bigger speaker innit -_- (maybe I could try opening it up and changing the speaker... hmm..)
Got a job at James's place. I'll be taking over his position as video editor. Pay's alright, working hours are fine, benefits are basic. Oh and no work on Saturdays.
Still having mixed feelings about the job. Seriously, hardly anyone really understands the way I feel about getting work. To them, it's a job, money, start being responsible to yourself, blablablablabla mundane sentences repeated by practically almost every single human who could bother to say the same thing about it to me.
Not that I'm not grateful, I'm grateful that they care about my future and that shtuff.
But they don't seem to want to take a moment to try to understand what I'm going through with myself, with this situation.
I'm going to be working for the next 30 years of my life. I'll be chained and bounded to this 'responsibility', never going to be free of it for the rest of my adulthood. Until the day I retire, I'm gonna be working.
I never wanted to jump into it. Very VERY few of my friends (in fact only about 1 or 2) have told me NOT to jump into the working world, but to take my time to find the right place for me.
Why?
Because THEY know what I am going through, they UNDERSTAND what I'm going through, and they've been through it, they're sick and tired of life, and they don't want me to go through the same thing.
The thing is, I don't have any other choice. The world is pushing me forward along this tide, and as much as I want to stand and fight back against it, I can't. I don't have the strength to do it. I have the willpower and the determination, but my REAL responsibility to my mother and sister denies me this chance.
And besides, I have to honour my mother. She constantly uses my reponsibility and love for her against me, using my guilt to feed my motivation, using words that attack my understanding of love for her to make me do what she wants.
I hate it when she does it. I hate hate hate hate hate it. But she doesn't seem to think it's wrong. She doesn't seem to know how much it hurts and how much it burns me everytime she does it.
I'd blame it on a number of things, but I came to the conclusion that the vaste majority of my parents' generation are like that. They're either ignorant about it, or they couldn't be bothered about it.
It doesn't really matter does it? After all, it's just my feelings that are hurt, nothing more.
I just don't want to jump into something I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I want to live the adult part of my life in joy and laughter, not in mundaneness and boredom, gloomy nights and grouchy mornings, depleted energy and tiredness every single week day.
But who cares? 'That's how life is' and you gotta deal with it.
Well I DON'T WANT that to be how MY life is. Just because that's how yours and the majority of the rest of the world's is, doesn't mean I have to be the slave of 'normality'!
I have a passion! I have a dream! I have my entire body HUNGERING for what I want to do!
But the reality is, I'm nowhere near there.
Church performance practices are fun and all... But it's nowehere near professional. No offence to the church practices, it's cuz they're made to allow the volunteering people to be able to perform, even if they can't really sing, can't really dance, and can't really act. After all, they ARE volunteers of their own volition, it's not easy to get a full choir of proper singers (who are willing to do all this ONLY for His glory) with the time and dedication to make a performance succeed, all in a single church. Even with a large church, acquiring a choir of trained and/or experienced singers is not easy simply because it's a hassle for them to audition and come of their own will.
I'm rambling again -_-
Anyways, I'd better go get my bath.
Goodnight.
God...
Bless my blogreaders
And Ben, Jun, Ivan, and anyone else who still reads this blog.
Feeling extremely lonely at the moment. Don't know why.
Which reminds me. I haven't bathed.
I'll bathe after I finish this post I guess.
I wanna trade in my SE K800i for a SEK810i. The K810i has light adjustments to the picture, which makes the pictures brighter and more see-able. It's abt RM900 for one, and if i trade in my phone I can probably get RM400. So that means another 400 bucks to get it :/
Not that my phone sucks or anything, it's still the best phone I've used so far. Only drawback is that the speaker's soft. Wish they'd put a bigger speaker innit -_- (maybe I could try opening it up and changing the speaker... hmm..)
Got a job at James's place. I'll be taking over his position as video editor. Pay's alright, working hours are fine, benefits are basic. Oh and no work on Saturdays.
Still having mixed feelings about the job. Seriously, hardly anyone really understands the way I feel about getting work. To them, it's a job, money, start being responsible to yourself, blablablablabla mundane sentences repeated by practically almost every single human who could bother to say the same thing about it to me.
Not that I'm not grateful, I'm grateful that they care about my future and that shtuff.
But they don't seem to want to take a moment to try to understand what I'm going through with myself, with this situation.
I'm going to be working for the next 30 years of my life. I'll be chained and bounded to this 'responsibility', never going to be free of it for the rest of my adulthood. Until the day I retire, I'm gonna be working.
I never wanted to jump into it. Very VERY few of my friends (in fact only about 1 or 2) have told me NOT to jump into the working world, but to take my time to find the right place for me.
Why?
Because THEY know what I am going through, they UNDERSTAND what I'm going through, and they've been through it, they're sick and tired of life, and they don't want me to go through the same thing.
The thing is, I don't have any other choice. The world is pushing me forward along this tide, and as much as I want to stand and fight back against it, I can't. I don't have the strength to do it. I have the willpower and the determination, but my REAL responsibility to my mother and sister denies me this chance.
And besides, I have to honour my mother. She constantly uses my reponsibility and love for her against me, using my guilt to feed my motivation, using words that attack my understanding of love for her to make me do what she wants.
I hate it when she does it. I hate hate hate hate hate it. But she doesn't seem to think it's wrong. She doesn't seem to know how much it hurts and how much it burns me everytime she does it.
I'd blame it on a number of things, but I came to the conclusion that the vaste majority of my parents' generation are like that. They're either ignorant about it, or they couldn't be bothered about it.
It doesn't really matter does it? After all, it's just my feelings that are hurt, nothing more.
I just don't want to jump into something I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I want to live the adult part of my life in joy and laughter, not in mundaneness and boredom, gloomy nights and grouchy mornings, depleted energy and tiredness every single week day.
But who cares? 'That's how life is' and you gotta deal with it.
Well I DON'T WANT that to be how MY life is. Just because that's how yours and the majority of the rest of the world's is, doesn't mean I have to be the slave of 'normality'!
I have a passion! I have a dream! I have my entire body HUNGERING for what I want to do!
But the reality is, I'm nowhere near there.
Church performance practices are fun and all... But it's nowehere near professional. No offence to the church practices, it's cuz they're made to allow the volunteering people to be able to perform, even if they can't really sing, can't really dance, and can't really act. After all, they ARE volunteers of their own volition, it's not easy to get a full choir of proper singers (who are willing to do all this ONLY for His glory) with the time and dedication to make a performance succeed, all in a single church. Even with a large church, acquiring a choir of trained and/or experienced singers is not easy simply because it's a hassle for them to audition and come of their own will.
I'm rambling again -_-
Anyways, I'd better go get my bath.
Goodnight.
God...
Bless my blogreaders
And Ben, Jun, Ivan, and anyone else who still reads this blog.
posted by Liil Masks at 10:12 am
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