The Many Faces

What's it like to have a normal mind?

One that doesn't tell you 3 things at once whenever you're thinking all the time? One that just gives you 1 thought, and not 'the optimistic side', 'the pessimistic side' and 'the factual side'?


A friend once told me, that my wife would be a very blessed woman to have me as her husband. Because I treat my women friends very well.

Another friend also once told me, that I flirt with almost every girl I meet.

Yet another friend recently told me, that she thinks I'm a generally very nice person, cuz I seem to get along well with almost everyone I meet.

How much of this is true?

My (future) wife (if I do get one) would be blessed to have me. Maybe, to a certain extenct. But from the way the other friend tells me, it seems that it looks like I'm flirting to almost every girl I meet. If that is false and I'm just a generally really nice person, then my wife will have to control herself from envy and jealousy and trust me fully to be loyal, faithful and loving her only, since I seem to be so good with women.

Or, the truth might lie in the 2nd statement, where I'm just a flirt, and the only reason person 1 and person 3 said those statements was because they are girls/women, and statement 2 was made by my ex-gf (when she was still my gf), and I've treated them well and have been sensitive to them, making them like me so much more easilly.

Which is true?

Or maybe I do genuinely care, AND flirt anyway, just to get attention.

Well that was much shorter and probably much more believable. -_-

see now there are 3 sides to it

How do I see myself as?

I have no comments about myself. I'm not confident with who I am, my self esteem isn't high enough to form an opinion of myself as to who I am around women. That's why I don't like questions where people ask "What do YOU see yourself as?". I have no idea how to answer. I can give no answer to that because I don't know what I see myself as. The only thing I DO see myself as someone who desperately wants attention, desperately wants to be respected, and someone who wants to please everyone, and to be able to be there to help friends when they're in need, and to be able to HELP them at the right moment (no use being able to be there when u can't help right?).

So who I am, who I think myself to be... Really comes from the opinions of people.

Very few people respect me as far as I know. Almost everyone desperately tries to tease and/or bully me to no end. Either that or I'm exploited, or just ignored.

And I hate being ignored.

I get green with envy when people whom I know well get respected w/o much work on it. It's not much of their fault, it's more like I have an aura of disrespect around me, or a sign on my back saying "kick me" that only other people can see.

I guess I've complained about this before. .__.





Anyway Ben...

The right one is always worth the wait.

You know what happens when you try to 'go with the flow' and 'follow your heart'. It doesn't work. The only 'flow' and 'heart' you should be going and following is God's flow and heart. You know that's the best way. When He thinks you're ready, He'll reveal the one He has planned for the rest of your life to be with. And you can be damned sure that she'll more than blow your mind away on all your 'expectations'. She'll be more beautiful than you could've imagined, she'll be more sexy than the internet can supply, she'll be more intelligent than you'd have settled for, she'll be more faithful and loyal than what your heart is prepared for, and most importantly, she'll be more devoted to God and serving you as your wife in God's holy matrimony than you'd have ever dreamed of.

Just trust in His time, and be patient. I'm sure many other things calls for more importance than a girlfriend you know you can't support in marriage right now.

Don't worry, I know how hard it is to wait. But the longer you wait for it, the more pleasureable it will be when it finally comes.

And you know He always gives you the best.









God...

I really wish what Grace and Delaney said are true. I fear for what I make myself to be, for I know not who I am. The bell of versus that tells me who I am may reassure me of who I am in You. But it tells me not who I am to the people I care for and wish to care for.

I've simulated what changing my outward personality to a more rough and intolerent of nonsense would be like. Though it may lower the amount of bullying and teasing that really tears at me so, it would result in being mean to my friends.

And I don't want that.

But they understand not when I tell them that I don't like it.

They say I'm just behaving like a 5 year old. Or just really immature.

I don't know.

Maybe being a target for bullying and teasing will carry on on me for the rest of my life. If it does, I'm pretty sure it will be a rather miserable life for my emotions and willpower to shut it off within.

But if it keeps friends happy...

Maybe it's worth it.



Perhaps that's why I really enjoy practicing with the FGA Performing Arts.

I feel required, I feel needed, I feel wanted.

I feel that I'm an essential part of something. A part which cannot be replaced by any other person. A part where there can be no understudy. A part that relies on me giving my best.

A part that's respected as something that's important and good.

Obviously You could just zap me down with a high fever and provide a perfect replacement. I know of the infiniteness of capabilities You possess.

But...

I just feel... Stronger and... Happier that I know I'm wanted somewhere.

That I can't be replaced just like that with some other random person.



But the factual reality says that I'm just seeking acceptance in the eyes of man, and I should be seeking acceptance in the eyes of the Lord.

But I'm a physical person. God won't come down and gimme a hug when I need one badly. He'd send someone to gimme a hug. It may be God's doing, but it's not Him hugging me, it's that someone. My finite mind cannot comprehend that He's hugging me through that person. In the end, it's still that person's body. That person's mind.

But I shouldn't look at the material side of things. I should look at the spiritual realm, where God has always held us in His hands, close to Him, loving us for who we are.



You see God? It goes on and on. I quarrel with myself in my mind to find a solution, and in the end, I find none. The squabble between my 'voices' continue to no end, and in the end I just get so tired that I stop thinking and utter/do nonsensical stuff. Become random. Do and say every other thing that pops into my head.


God...

Please give me rest.



Bless Ben, Jun, Ivan and Jas.

And all my still loyal blogreaders. I owe them my gratitude and emotional stability.