Dissed

My have I got a story to tell you.



Remember the feeling where you really just want to walk out of the house when your parents scold you to no end?

I felt it incredibly strongly yesterday.

And I did.

Here's what happened.




I was at home with my maid. My stepfather and my sister wasn't in the house (I have no idea where they went. No I did NOT see them go out of the house), so when my maid asked where my sister was, I said I didn't know. She wasn't in her room, and my main house (which is under renovation) was dark, so obviously she wasn't there. So I told my maid, maybe they're at the shopping complex (Carrefour).

So I started on my games on the comp. Started to rain, my maid noted that my stepfather's handphone was on the mantlepiece (cupboard where TV is). Pretty shortly after that, I had an attack, so I ran for the toilet. Was kinda stuck there.

Then my maid came behind, said that she was going to Carrefour to search for them, since it was raining and my stepfather didn't bring his handphone, so she'll go see if they're there. When I tried to call her, she was already far from me as a few seconds later I heard the gate close. Obviously she didn't hear me, and was out. I was still stuck in the toilet.

After I got out of the toilet, I resumed my gaming. That's when he came back with my sister in my car. Apparently he had gone to my aunt's house to get back my car (they borrowed it). So I told him I didn't have the house key, cuz my maid took it and went to Carrefour to find them, thinking they were there.

Thats when he went into his 'smart' rages. He started yelling at me for allowing her to go off that way, asking me repeatedly how could I allow her to step out of the house with the keys and walk off like that. I explained I was in the toilet and I couldn't do ANYTHING, since I tried to call out to her but she was already out. STILL he continued to ask (yell would be more appropriate) me how could I allow her to go out like that, calling me stupid, a 'dum dum', brainless and more. I tried to ignore it so I continued my gaming.

Then the maid came back, so he started yelling at her, saying he's 'very angry' at her for doing that. Saying that 'he wasn't stupid, if the handphone's at home he can use other phones'. When asked why she went, she said because she couldn't find sarah and thought they had gone to Carrefour and couldn't call home. Then he scolded her asking her why she didn't ask the neighbours where he went (who the heck would ask the neighbour "where'd my employer go?"). She explained that she had asked me, but I didn't know.

That's when he did it. He yelled at her saying that she shouldn't even ask me because I'm stupid and dumb. Because I play games until I'm stupid.

I couldn't keep it any longer and retorted "Fine I'm stupid anyway, what's the difference". Then he started yelling at me, asking me if I saw them going out. When I said I never did, he yelled back that I was STANDING RIGHT AT THE DOOR AND WATCHED THEM. When I told him I never did see anything of that sort, he yelled back that I was blind.

Right. So now I'm stupid, dumb, and blind. Because I played games until my brains turned to mush. Whatever. I turned back and ignored.

He didn't think about stopping. He continued to hurl insults at my intelligence, claiming I'm stupid, dumb, useless, blind and 'played games until I became stupid'.

And he told me to turn off the computer.

Fine.

That's when I blew it.

I happily turned it off and went to my room. Changed my clothes, grabbed an extra pair, grabbed my guitar and pouch, and headed out.

He commanded "YOU DON'T USE THE CAR I TELL YOU".

"Fine I'll just take a cab."

"GO LAH! GO!"

I didn't need a second thought. I opened the door, locked it behind me, put on my shoes and walked off.

I had the thought of just turning back in, grabbing the car keys and heading back out. I am 22 years old. I'm legally an adult. I have my own rights. The car is MINE not his. If he's concerned about his petrol, I can pay back his lousy 60 bucks. I have a right to go anywhere and do whatever I want with MY car.

Went to Carrefour, then went to Ivan's house for a short while. All along the way, I had to fight off an insane urge to severly bash up every car and tree along the way with my guitar. Seriously, I have never felt that insane urge to vent my anger on anything since that day an indian kid from school kicked a football into my face on purpose.

I seriously seriously hate it when my mind gets the better of me. It stops me from doing things I probably would regret, but in the process helps my hatred to grow.

Yes, hatred.

A hatred so deep I feel like severely hurting him with my bare fists and hospitalizing him for some time.

No, sueing him would not bring satisfaction. It may be worse, but my body is the one that needs pleasing at the moment, not the brain. Shuddup, I know emotions come from the head.

Messaged my mom a long message, hoping she'd receive it during home fellowship and pray for me. See even in my most raging moments my brain HAS to think logically. I quite hate it. It restricts a lot of stuff.

Had a short chat with Ivan. Cooled down considerably (at least I didn't want to simply whack stuff anymore), then took a cab to Sunway to Daniel's place. Seriously in any state and condition and with any problems, Daniels' place is the only place I seem to be able to go. I couldn't inconvenience Ivan, since his aunt was over at his house. Besides, I didn't want to leave a bad impression of my parents on his parents (even though I had every intention and reason to).

Even Jun couldn't take me in. I could understand since there are 4 girls/women in the house. But I really wanted her to be there for me at that moment. When she heard I couldn't get my car and was taking a cab, she instantly refused to go to Daniel's place with me. Obviously I know her reasons, but I seriously wished she would. I didn't tell her what had happened at my house, so I don't hold anything against her.

So I took a cab to Daniel's place, cooled down and played games (tried to) for a while. Then my mom called (she only got the message when she arrived home at 12:30). I told her briefly what had happened. When I asked her what I was supposed to do when he was hurling all those insults at me, she said that I should keep quiet and go to my room. I retorted that I couldn't. I had done so for the past decade, and this time it was just too much. It's not something I can accept any longer.

It's not something I will endure any longer.

That's why I keep asking not to use insults on me, even it be mild and just friendly gestures. It hits me and it ingests. It goes into my mind and even if I know they're just for fun and jokes, my mind takes it seriously. Nobody seems to want to believe me on that, and everyone says that I'm just too emotional, too sensitive, and too easilly hurt. Well, I can't change what everyone wants to think. And if I use insults, I'd want friends to tell me they don't like it, and would prefer I stop. I understand COMPLETELY.

Anyway my mom asked me to come home.

"To what?"

"To me."

"..."

In my message to her, I said that I love her. But in loving her, I force myself to learn hate and to let my hate grow. Because I don't know how to release it, I can't forgive him, and I definately can NOT love him. I do not understand nor see how my mother is able to do it (kinda like how I don't understand how another person does the same), but she still does. But I cannot.

I may love her, but as my love for her grows, my hate for him does the same. I'd leave the house, but I don't want to give my sister a broken family problem in her resume`. I have one, and she doesn't need one. I should know.


So in order to love someone, I must learn to hide my hatred as long as I can.

Corrupting one's self for the love of another.



I don't know how to give it to God. I can't. I can't because I don't know how. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's because I hold on to things. Maybe it's because I can't forgive him.

I. Just. Can't.



And trust me. Hatred for someone is not something you want. I will not allow myself to kill, but if he does lash out at me physically, I don't think my will is strong enough to hold back throwing everything on him.

And I've never done that on ANYTHING. Ever.



Even typing out this post made my blood boil for a moment. I'm still really angry about it. But no, it doesn't show when I'm around anyone. Other than Ivan, or Jun, or Ben, or Jas.



Okay now the guy next to me is blasting some really heavy bass on his speakers and it's getting really annoying. I'd better get off before I really get mad.


Edit: Okay he's really pissing me off. Gotta make this quick.



God

I don't know what to do.

I really don't know.

Sacrifice is part of love

but I don't think you ever meant for this kind of sacrifice.

And yes, I'm failing at handling this.

I'm sorry.



God bless Ivan, Ben, Jun, Jas

and all my blogreaders.