It's times like now that I feel really all alone.

sry csy

but yes, I really do feel alone.

It's 2.30am (lol why am I awake at this ungodly hour I don't know), and I... Really feel lonely. I wanted to call someone nearby out for some supper...

Then I realised that there's really no one I can call out to eat at this hour... Everyone nearby (which amounts to ONE person...) is asleep. And even then, he probably wouldn't come out at this kind of hour.

There's just nobody around when I really need someone. Which is abot now haha. Yeah, at ungodly hours lol.

I'd call... But it's a Wednesday night (well technically Thursday morning). most people have work and coll to attend.

And I can't talk to those who are either. They either just make insensitive comments, or they start talking about something else randomly as if avoiding the subject. They claim they aren't, but convenience is usually of more importance, so I really don't know.


Lately I've been on a diet/exercise regime. I've been keeping my rice intake lesser than normal, and have started (SOME form of) exercise again. Hopefully I'll have my body ready by the langkawi trip. Just to be confident about myself walking around topless without wincing at every glance I get of my own body.

But I don't know. I've been hungry a lot as of late. I think it's what's causing me to lose my temper entirely way too easily. After all, a hungry person is easily angered. But jas says I'm just pmsing -_- so as someone would say, Whatever lah.



Regarding my previous post...

I was really angry that day.

To the point that I felt it getting uncontrollable. It was scary. I found myself gripping the table really hard and hot tears coming out of my eyes. Didn't help when the person who made me mad HAD to comment "wah, eyes can come out hot tears wan arr?". Really.

It got so bad that I had to leave the office to cool off, fearing what I would do sitting next to a certain someone who has the knack of pissing me off with his random TOTALLY insensitive HORRIBLY insulting comments and AMAZING stupidity.

So I quickly grabbed the keys to the toilet, strode as fast as I could in and wept.

I just wept.

I felt entirely betrayed.

Betrayed by a friend whom I had trusted.

I believe in what I stand up for. I believe that amidst all the bastardness of the world, if one chooses to, they can walk the righteous path. The path where the 'good' travel. One does not have to turn around and choose the other path to 'survive'. No, that's just what they want to believe, because it gives them some immediate satisfaction.

But that's just the point. In the long run, forgiveness will ensure that you're free of that burden of remembering what had happened all the time, continuing being bitter and angry. If one chooses not to forgive, they'll always remember the bitterness and anger, and in time it turns into Hatred. And amidst all that, somehow sometime or other, that bitterness will leak from their everyday lives, and it'll show. They'll become bitter, grumpy, pissy people whom most others would preferably stay away from. Simply because it's not worth their time to get pissed and angry from a 'friend'.

Then that person turned it around, and said that the person hated me for that. That they hated "goody two shoes who think that love kindness and forgiveness solves everything". That sometimes it's better to just get pissed and be bad towards other people. That being 'good' in that situation was POINTLESS.

And the attacks just kept coming. As if I didn't know the situation well enough, even though I was a PART of the situation. As if I were this naive idiot trying to save the world by throwing flowers.

I rammed my fist into the concrete wall a few times. Sadly for me, I couldn't break my fist, my bones, or anything important or unimportant for that matter. I just got sore knuckles. And used a lot of tissue. I think I stayed there for a good 10-20 minutes.

Days later, I was told that the person said that I had the right to be angry.

@^%@#$#.


For those who wish to skip the rants, just scroll down to the bottom of this post. There's a similar ~~~ break where it ends. You should anyway. I'm just ranting my bitter rant.
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I'm starting to think, yeah, maybe I'm being too nice. Maybe being the nice guy who's trying to be as tolerant as possible, accepting the blame for friggin everything, hardly ever being apologised to by the people who hurt me, yeah maybe I'm being WAY too nice.

Maybe I should start being cold and be direct and piss off people because they're pissing me off. Maybe I should just tell people to stfu when they start spouting insensitive nonsense and tell them that if they have nothing better to say then I'd rather hear them talk with their ass in farts than hear all the shit and profanity from their mouths. That if they had a FRIGGIN BRAIN, they would USE it to THINK before they TALK. That if THEY get pissed off when I start telling THEM things that attack them in emotionally tender areas THEY should just SUCK IT UP AND TOUGHEN IT OUT and STOP behaving like an immature bastard. Maybe I should just tell them STFU I DON'T NEED THIS FROM YOU. YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS? WELL SO DO I AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

Whatever. <--- fkking insensitive 1 word sentence that basically says "shut up I don't care and I don't wanna hear it."

Still.

Whatever.

Who cares eh. As long as I'm the one being kicked around, as long as I'm the 'emo boy who starts whining and complaining when someone says something bad about me'. As long as I'm 'nice'.

Short to say

As long as I'm me, I'll always be the one apologising for every friggin damn thing from stepping on ants to Global Warming. And close to never getting an apology in return. It's always because 'you were in the way' or 'why did you put your feet there?'.


Now if all of you understand that, you'll understand why I've told some of you before that I CANNOT live with a person who won't apologise and spouts insensitive words and think that it's for my own damn good whether it was right or not.

That's why, I said if I had a list of people whom I think would make really really good wives/soulmates, you are on the top of my list.

Even if you do sometimes say them, you're approachable, and you apologise. That is what really moved me to tears. Everytime I approach someone, even my own parents (gawd I hate using that word), a lot of times I just get blamed for it. For being in the way. For being immature. For being weak. For not being thick skinned enough. In short, for actually HAVING emotions other than rageragerage.

It's just... Something short of a divine luxury for me. After all, the heart longs for what it has not. And atm, I feel a shortage on love and forgiveness.

Ahaha but the only one applicable atm is forgiveness :P


But yes.

That means, I DO harbour resentment, I DO remember the harsh bitter angry parts of my life. I'm not proud of it, and I want to get rid of it. But at the moment, I really don't know how, and I'm not sure I'm entirely willing to let it go. Part of me reminds me that if I do, everyone will just treat me the same, if not worse.

Don't get me wrong. When a friend is feeling shitty and needs to complain and rant about someone, I'm here to listen. I don't mind it one single bit.

Okay I lied. I mind if you keep getting annoyed at the same person, YET you continue to find trouble with that person all the time. Then it's just plainly your own fault and your own perseverance intentionally searching for your own despair.

But seriously, I really don't mind listening. I want to share your problems and your sorrows, and hopefully help you get an answer for it.





But then again, no girl would want a guy like me, with incredible pent up emotions and heartaches, just hoping for to receive the listening ear he so willingly gives to others.

I've got just too much 'baggage' with me. No girl would want any of those. They'd want a nice perfect guy, with a good career, a good disposition, fun, and intelligent. Other than the intel which probably next to everyone would laugh at saying I don't have brains, I've got none of those.

So I guess I'm gonna be 'blessed' with celibacy for the rest of my life huh haha.




Anyway...


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Anyway, I've been playing Yu-Gi-Oh! : Nightmare Troubadour a lot lately. Don't even ask me what 'Troubadour' means, I have no idea either <__> Been playing it WAY too much though. Seriously.

And I'm really hungry, so I'm going to make some instant noodles. I know I'm supposed to be on diet and all, but my stomach is going to strangle me before I can fall asleep.

So

Goodnight guys.



God

I need patience.

I need forgiveness.

I need to learn to forgive.

I need to feel loved. I also need love, in case that didn't apply very well.

Will you give me any of them...?

I'm turning into a really bitter person filled with resentment...

Help me...? Please...?


Bless my blogreaders.