Falling in Love

Somehow... That phrase seems such a clique/cliche/whatever-you-spell-it in my life... Maybe it was love... Probably wasn't... Anyhow I've had 5 EXs (and if you count SY, which I hopefully don't, that's 6) and that's not a really happy history to have...

Though I still hold fast to believing that staying friends with your EXs is possible, I find it hard to practice... At least 2 of my them (2nd and 3rd) don't want to have anything to do with me anymore... Lost contact with my 1st (I still have her hp number and between long distances in time I sms her)... 4th... Well, we only keep in touch through MSN Messenger... Even so, I find it hard to hold a casual conversation with her (read previous entries)... 5th... Well, I have to admit that I'm not proud about this and I SHOULD not be doing this at all... But I've developed a certain dislike towards her... Maybe because of all that had happened between us (and all that she's done to other people... As usual, read previous entries to find out)... It's probably just me though... I know she's a nice person... But I still can't let go of the fact that she does 2 things a lot which really let me down...

And right now, the fact that I am single... Just makes me look at girls again... I admit that hormones and pheromones DO play a part in this... Though I believe I have the willpower, yes sheer willpower, to stop myself from getting interested in them... Yet... It more likely seems that I don't... When in conversations with the female gender, I tend to give my words such a twist that somehow or other they start getting attracted to me... I am caring and honest with them, that much I will admit, but I also know that some people will mistake them for extra care and concern... Which I will too admit that I put the effort in...

So what am I saying? I'm trying to state the possibillity of me being what I really hoped I am not - a PlayBoy

I mean... Looking at myself, I can very well say that I qualify easilly with that slip of tongue and that put in care and concern... Sometimes I even wonder myself if I'm actually just pretending to really care about a person... I mean... So far, all this effort of mine has been put into girls and girls alone, save for 1 guy who's I'll admit, my best friend who studies in the same college as I do... And these girls? Well, to put it frankly and direct, they're the ones who outstand the public in certain areas of their character, personality (same thing) and especially, their looks...

I don't know if every guy does, but I feel myself attracted to girls with good looks... Take for example, my 1st is extremely cute and cuddly, my 2nd is beautiful with the most beautiful voice I fell in love with, my 3rd has a really nice personality (and if I may add, rather busty too, though I couldn't agree with her dominating everything and seeing that everything she does is right...), my 4th is rather petite, has a cute voice and a mixture of cuteness and beauty, my 5th... I'd have to say that she has the body (yes, rather busty at that)... And SY... Well, she's petite, is really innocent looking, really cute, wonderful personality...

I mean... Looking back at that... I'd tell myself that I've been looking out for the Beauty of the Cover, and not what's inside... Not something I'd have dreamed of a good partner to be with... In fact, I find myself attracting more girls and continually wording compliments out of almost every sentence in front of them... I don't know why I'm doing this, but I've also been showering a 30-year-old single female (who btw is in my church) with compliments so much that she has told me to bewarn that those words may be misinterpreted by other women to be seriously flirting with them and can give them ideas (which I believe she is having that problem now...)


If I continue to do this, as that lady told me, I will definitely come to many problems later on in life... I too, admit that I will... What will my wife say when I start complimenting on every single lady's dress for that evening? What will she think when I offer rides home for ladies living in obscure far away places? Yes when I was with a girl, I always asked them if it was alright with them for me to go out and hang out with this certain other girl, maybe watch a movie or just meet up and catch up. I've always done that to ensure that my girl will understand I am in no way going after another girl.

*sigh* Just yesterday I saw a beautiful girl in a megamall while eating my dinner with a group of friends (all female and 30 and above =.=)... If I were to rate her in a range of 1-10 for good looks and body, I'd give her a 15... She was (to me) extremely beautiful and had really good looks with bleached hair, wearing a half-bareback and short jeans with hair that went down halfway down her back... Up till now I still remember her face, wondering where I saw that face before...


So... What am I... Someone who just cares a little too much (and has a stockhold of slip-of-tongue words)... Or... Just another PlayBoy...


God... What is your plan in my life for making me this way... I don't know how a PlayBoy could ever do any of your works... I know it is written that You turn bad things to good things... But... I don't know how you are going to turn this...

I just feel so... Guilty for all the girls I've gotten interested in me... Guilty of making them... Want me in any way possible...