The Purpose of the Existence
To many of you who frequent my blog (those few), this blog is probably overly self-centered, talking about me, myself and only I and no one else... All about my problems and mine alone... Nothing about other people's...
Well, I was in a discussion earlier today (actually it was late late yesterday...) and for some reason the group was interested to talk about me... Or rather allowing me to talk about myself for some reason...
I know that many of my friends who read this blog suddenly find that I am not exactly who I am... Or rather I am not who they thought I was... On the whole I'm a bubbly, funny, idiotic, psychotic even, happy-go-lucky Christian who doesn't seem to have any problems at all, has a say in almost everything, mostly crap, craps a lot and too much, can be approached if in need of help and etc.
But the moment they step into the world of my blog... Suddenly they are faced with a person who seems to go through life in a very hard way, having more than many things to face everywhere, especially at home, living a hard life with little to be smiling and happy about once he returns home, having a heart full of holes of hurt and pain, enduring what seems to be an effort to continue striving on every day...
I may be making this all up, making things sound much worse than they really are... Or I may not... I don't know... But as far as I'm concerned, I HAVE gone through these experiences, and like it or not, they are very real. If you've been thinking if it's actually possible for a person to go through such a kind of life, well, if I'm still alive the next time I see you, I'm sure it's possible.
I've never told my past in my blog before... Well, for those who don't know, here it is...
My mother married at the age of 23 and I was born a year after. Within that year itself, my parents divorced and my mother was forced to live with my grandmother and my youngest aunt under one roof with my great grandmother.
Much much later, my father remarried and so did my mother; both to another spouse. My father and stepmother had a baby boy (who should be about 9/10 years old this year) and my mother and stepfather had a baby girl (who is 5 this year).
Things are not good between me and my stepfather as for my interpretation, he scolds practically everyone in the house except for my sister almost every day, which includes me, my mom and my maid. This having gone on and on for a few many years has made me develop a certain dislike to the point of hatred for him. From one little mistake that I make, he yells on and on about it, putting otehr non-related things and always telling me I'm "indisciplined, have no responsibility, have no brains, no ears, am dumb and stupid, a samseng, an idiot, a bloody fool" and many many more I don't think I wish to continue quoting.
His interpretation is that he never scolds me, he is just "telling me this". When my maid also says it is yelling, it's either he has no understanding whatsoever to accept the fact that he is wrong, or both me and my maid need hearing aids to adjust our hearing level.
My mom? I'm thankful to God for my mom. She loves and cares for me, much to my lousy appreciation for her. She understands what I'm going through at home, but she can't do much either, other than try to make my life bearable. I take pity for her because at times when my stepfather doesn't want to yell at me or I make myself unavailable at the moment, he turns to my mom and she takes the ful brunt of his "shellings". For a man who married my mom, I do not understand what his understanding for "love your wife" mean.
And that's about it for my summarised history. About my real father and stepmother, they live far away and I see them once a year for the Chinese New Year celebration. That's about it.
Anyway, I should go back to the first question I wanted to post - Why did I make this blog?
Well, it was to replace my so called "online diary" in my website, which I have not touched for ages. This is where I rant, spill the sadness and tell of my sorrows. For those whom I've given this address to, I DO expect some level of care to check back once in a while for updates, though I admit I don't make myself available to update it very often... But what I wish to tell people with my real face, with the face I was born with, not in a mask... This is the place you'll find me...
Either ways... To some degree I feel better once I've written/typed things down here... I don't know how many people actualy check back once in a while... There might be no one at al even... Well... It all depends...
*sigh* I am getting a little proud over hiding my real life with my portrayed life... I know I shouldn't be proud of it, in fact I've got nothing to be proud of... But...
I felt a certain awe and respect when one or two of my friends who've read my blog or whom I've told my problems to... And well... It was the very few times which I felt that kind of respect that I had asked for before... Only problem is, few respect me or give me the same respect that I give them and ask for in return... I know I'm being selfish again but...
*sigh* Well... I guess I should end this one before I start gloating about anything... I'm supposed to forgive my stepfather and... Well... Just forgiving him and praying for him sincerely is an almost impossible task for me to do... What more having to... Ugh...
God please give me wisdom and show me the way... Prepare me for the worst... Do... What you must, God...
Well, I was in a discussion earlier today (actually it was late late yesterday...) and for some reason the group was interested to talk about me... Or rather allowing me to talk about myself for some reason...
I know that many of my friends who read this blog suddenly find that I am not exactly who I am... Or rather I am not who they thought I was... On the whole I'm a bubbly, funny, idiotic, psychotic even, happy-go-lucky Christian who doesn't seem to have any problems at all, has a say in almost everything, mostly crap, craps a lot and too much, can be approached if in need of help and etc.
But the moment they step into the world of my blog... Suddenly they are faced with a person who seems to go through life in a very hard way, having more than many things to face everywhere, especially at home, living a hard life with little to be smiling and happy about once he returns home, having a heart full of holes of hurt and pain, enduring what seems to be an effort to continue striving on every day...
I may be making this all up, making things sound much worse than they really are... Or I may not... I don't know... But as far as I'm concerned, I HAVE gone through these experiences, and like it or not, they are very real. If you've been thinking if it's actually possible for a person to go through such a kind of life, well, if I'm still alive the next time I see you, I'm sure it's possible.
I've never told my past in my blog before... Well, for those who don't know, here it is...
My mother married at the age of 23 and I was born a year after. Within that year itself, my parents divorced and my mother was forced to live with my grandmother and my youngest aunt under one roof with my great grandmother.
Much much later, my father remarried and so did my mother; both to another spouse. My father and stepmother had a baby boy (who should be about 9/10 years old this year) and my mother and stepfather had a baby girl (who is 5 this year).
Things are not good between me and my stepfather as for my interpretation, he scolds practically everyone in the house except for my sister almost every day, which includes me, my mom and my maid. This having gone on and on for a few many years has made me develop a certain dislike to the point of hatred for him. From one little mistake that I make, he yells on and on about it, putting otehr non-related things and always telling me I'm "indisciplined, have no responsibility, have no brains, no ears, am dumb and stupid, a samseng, an idiot, a bloody fool" and many many more I don't think I wish to continue quoting.
His interpretation is that he never scolds me, he is just "telling me this". When my maid also says it is yelling, it's either he has no understanding whatsoever to accept the fact that he is wrong, or both me and my maid need hearing aids to adjust our hearing level.
My mom? I'm thankful to God for my mom. She loves and cares for me, much to my lousy appreciation for her. She understands what I'm going through at home, but she can't do much either, other than try to make my life bearable. I take pity for her because at times when my stepfather doesn't want to yell at me or I make myself unavailable at the moment, he turns to my mom and she takes the ful brunt of his "shellings". For a man who married my mom, I do not understand what his understanding for "love your wife" mean.
And that's about it for my summarised history. About my real father and stepmother, they live far away and I see them once a year for the Chinese New Year celebration. That's about it.
Anyway, I should go back to the first question I wanted to post - Why did I make this blog?
Well, it was to replace my so called "online diary" in my website, which I have not touched for ages. This is where I rant, spill the sadness and tell of my sorrows. For those whom I've given this address to, I DO expect some level of care to check back once in a while for updates, though I admit I don't make myself available to update it very often... But what I wish to tell people with my real face, with the face I was born with, not in a mask... This is the place you'll find me...
Either ways... To some degree I feel better once I've written/typed things down here... I don't know how many people actualy check back once in a while... There might be no one at al even... Well... It all depends...
*sigh* I am getting a little proud over hiding my real life with my portrayed life... I know I shouldn't be proud of it, in fact I've got nothing to be proud of... But...
I felt a certain awe and respect when one or two of my friends who've read my blog or whom I've told my problems to... And well... It was the very few times which I felt that kind of respect that I had asked for before... Only problem is, few respect me or give me the same respect that I give them and ask for in return... I know I'm being selfish again but...
*sigh* Well... I guess I should end this one before I start gloating about anything... I'm supposed to forgive my stepfather and... Well... Just forgiving him and praying for him sincerely is an almost impossible task for me to do... What more having to... Ugh...
God please give me wisdom and show me the way... Prepare me for the worst... Do... What you must, God...
posted by Liil Masks at 12:14 pm
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