My Background - The one thing I am not satisfied with in my life

Many stories tell of Stepmothers and Stepfathers being cruel and unkind to those who are not born of them, and extra loving and caring to those of their own blood. I did not want to believe this as I knew everyone can be different and these are only stories. I do not see much of a reason to hold on to my faith in my own belief now. But I still do. I see the care that PY (my cousin) has for her fiance's 3 daughters (her fiance is a divorced man with 3 daughters) and that somehow makes me feel relieved. Though I can't predict the future, I hope God will put it in PY's heart that she will treat them like her own children and love and care for them as much as she would should she have one.

But that is the part about me I'm finding hard to accept. Maybe I HAVE accepted it, but I am not satisfied about it. Definitely not. Somehow, I have come to the conclusion once sometime ago that I never had an earthly father that I could turn to for support, strength, wisdom and just to be someone to look up to. No one has ever been there to take that empty place. I have to say that I am terribly disappointed with my own stepfather AND father. To say the least, they have not been there when I needed them. That's possibly why I'm more easy going with girls than with guys. Having no father figure is not easy. Having inappropriate father figures around makes things worse. It may not be fair to some points, but it's the way of the world. That is what I have accepted. That is what I must live with until I can live independantly. Bottling everything up may not be the best way to deal with the situation, but considering the wavering level of my faith and the current situation, in order not to make everything worse than it already is (in my point of view), it's what has to be done.

Maybe that's why I have self-diagnosed myself (and by some people because at times I allow some words to slip out of my mouth/hands) to have a severe depression and low self-esteem problem. Though I believe within myself that I have enough control over my mind to resist the emotions and thoughts that float around and corrode my better half, more of it has been coming into my mind and I can't stop that. I understand when a friend said "you may have insults and words coming from one ear and going out from the other, but somehow or other, it leaves a mark in your brain". It's true, and I don't deny it. Though I leave my mind blank, look at what's behind him and just wait till my stepfather finishes his yellings, scoldings and brawlings, somehow the words stay in my mind. My only way of dealing with it is to bottle it up, keep it in there and hope to crush it into thin air one day. But that can never happen. Garbage cannot be burnt into nothing, there is always an outcome - pollution.

I have resorted to being with and chatting with friends. When I'm with my friends, my mind loses focus of the horrible language of mind torture and I forget; that is until I am alone again, which I am most of the time. I know that if I tell someone about it, if that someone will listen to me and comfort me and just BE THERE for me when I need them the most... I am sure that it will help soothe the pain. There is no need to pour sulfur on the wound, it's already covered with it. What I need is some painkillers.

But that's the exact problem. With my problem in communicating such topics with guys, I can only hope to tell this to girls - which I have tried. One after the other, they decide that my burden is too much to be shared and they just leave, just like that. Whether they look back or not, I do not know. What I know is, no one wishes to help me hold it up for long.

I know I should go to God for this matter... But as I have said, my faith is wavering/not at a healthy level. Besides, when I pray for myself, I mostly only pray for forgiveness of my sins. Other than that, my prayer time goes to praying for other people; friends, family and prayer requests (besides the fact that I've been slacking a lot in my prayer time). I couldn't find the breath to tell God my probelms and asking Him to help me in whichever way He pleases. I have before at times, but mostly I don't. Like I said, I diagnosed myself to have severe depression and low self-esteem problems, which would be the reason why I don't pray formyself a lot - I don't find the effort worth it. Despite all the knowledge that God still loves me and wants me and that I may be worthless in the world but full of worth in His sight... I still feel... Worthless to say the least.


I've already ran from the main topic... But well... That's it for my blog today...

And as usual, my blog ends with a prayer.

God... I know many things that are wrong in my life; things that I have made wrong and things that have just been existing wrongly from my point of view... Please God... Help me... Whichever way that You choose to, I ask that You help me... I know that Your three answers are Yes, No and Wait... I have waited for some time now and I am struggling to keep up... I hope that the "Wait" will change soon... However if it is a "No"... I just ask that You will give me the wisdom to pull through... However severe my heart, soul, mind and strength may be wounded, I still wish to see other people, especially the ones I care for, get saved...