Dreams of Becoming an Angel
I've broken up with A. Exact reason... Well, that's why my blog is here, right?
I remember a moment in my life where I had wished I was an angel. Reason being? An angel follow's God's orders, hears His voice and carries out His commands without question, without hesitation. An angel does not think twice, nor does an angel feel any emotion nor doubt.
I had wanted to lose it all. I desperately wanted to lose everything and just live my life without emotion, without wants, without doubs and without feelings, following God's commands, living my life for Him without question or doubts. That's what an Angel does.
Now... I'm not so sure...
As I've mentioned, I've recently lost contact with my emotional self... And my feelings... I don't... Feel so much for people as I used to... I don't cry over little silly stuff like Pocahontas... I don't know why, but I didn't feel like I should have. It was... Unimportant and did not bring to any benefit... So doing such things would have no point in anything...
In fact, I realised that many things I do in my life bring little or no benefit and are of little/no importance at all... So... Why do I do them...? Why do I waste 10 bucks playing some stupid machine trying to grab a teddy bear knowing from a few seconds ago that it's been rigged so I can't get it? Why do I even waste money playing Para Para? Why do I waste my precious time and money doing silly and stupid stuff when there are so many other things which I SHOULD be doing which WILL bring benefit, which I am not?
*sigh* I don't know... Life is turning haywire on my side... Well, things are going much better for my mom... She's doing really well in her spiritual life, she probably will surpass me too... And I'm the one in the Performing Arts too, the front of the battle, the attackers in a strategy line... And... I've become like this...
Anyway... I broke up with A because I really didn't feel anything... Besides having a feeling that it wouldn't turn out really well... And I learnt a very valuable lesson, that I should get OUT of relationships the moment I know things will not go very well for the future... Because it's much easier to recover from a short one than a long bad one... Very very true... And... I knew that if I continued to be with her, I would only be lying to her... Which I don't want to... I don't want to cause hurt... Especially not to a friend...
Well she was mad at me the rest of the day... Mad... Bitter... Whatever you name it, it's along those lines... I just let it rest and didn't want to continue arguing... In fact, the more you argue, the worse things get, and I didn't want things to get worse... I wanted us to continue being friends...
Well the next day at night, she seemed to have cooled down... We were talking normally again, which I was so relieved at... Praise God for that...
Either ways... I went out to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with SY today... Well, yeah we're still friends... After that I sent her home and we had a long LONG chat at the mamak at her condo... We had a great time, it was a VERY long time since we last chatted for so long... We went from talking about our faiths, Islam and Christianity to talking about our thoughts and how we so frequently think alike that it scares us both at times... I just miss talking to her. We share many things in common too...
And if missing things that I've felt before is part of emotions and feelings... I hope that means my emotions are coming back... I can't live my life like this, I can't help and be sympathetic about my friends without emotions... I had to give a life purpose statement, on that is totally unbiased, could be what you want regardless of faith... Mine was... That I would like to spend time with my friends and help them in every single way possible to the very end... And that I love and care for my friends, possible to a point where I love them more than I love myself...
After all, Jesus was and still is, the Friend of sinners... He's our friend... And He died on the cross for us... And we're supposed to look at Him as our role model... So why shouldn't I sacrifice more than normal for my friends...? Many people are hurting around us, we just don't see them untill we slow down and look closer... That's what I'm doing... And that's what I want to do... Of course, along the lines I hope to see them get saved too...
God... I know that I wished to be an angel before, to do Your will without emotion and doubt... But... I realise how important my emotions and feelings are to me in order for me to help my friends... For me to show that I care... Without them, everything just feels... Like a ritual in which I constantly go over and over and over again with... I can't live my mortal life like this... I pray that You will return to me all my emotions and feelings... That I may love and care and accept my friends more than I already do... That I can appreciate them more than I already do...
And SY... I'll definitely miss you when you go off for your student exchange program... I just hope that I can be satisfied seeing you online and readind your blog entries... I know it's still a long way to go, but I just want to say this in case I don't get another chance... I'll be here for you should you want someone to talk to, if it is ok for you to talk to me... I may not be much of a companion, but I'll do my best as I've done for A and other people that I've made my promise to... To you, I give also, my promise that I'll help in any way I can if I can... And I'll be that listening ear for you if you ever need someone to talk to and there's no one you can find... If possible, I WILL find a way ASAP... Take care... And no matter what happens, God loves you too.
I remember a moment in my life where I had wished I was an angel. Reason being? An angel follow's God's orders, hears His voice and carries out His commands without question, without hesitation. An angel does not think twice, nor does an angel feel any emotion nor doubt.
I had wanted to lose it all. I desperately wanted to lose everything and just live my life without emotion, without wants, without doubs and without feelings, following God's commands, living my life for Him without question or doubts. That's what an Angel does.
Now... I'm not so sure...
As I've mentioned, I've recently lost contact with my emotional self... And my feelings... I don't... Feel so much for people as I used to... I don't cry over little silly stuff like Pocahontas... I don't know why, but I didn't feel like I should have. It was... Unimportant and did not bring to any benefit... So doing such things would have no point in anything...
In fact, I realised that many things I do in my life bring little or no benefit and are of little/no importance at all... So... Why do I do them...? Why do I waste 10 bucks playing some stupid machine trying to grab a teddy bear knowing from a few seconds ago that it's been rigged so I can't get it? Why do I even waste money playing Para Para? Why do I waste my precious time and money doing silly and stupid stuff when there are so many other things which I SHOULD be doing which WILL bring benefit, which I am not?
*sigh* I don't know... Life is turning haywire on my side... Well, things are going much better for my mom... She's doing really well in her spiritual life, she probably will surpass me too... And I'm the one in the Performing Arts too, the front of the battle, the attackers in a strategy line... And... I've become like this...
Anyway... I broke up with A because I really didn't feel anything... Besides having a feeling that it wouldn't turn out really well... And I learnt a very valuable lesson, that I should get OUT of relationships the moment I know things will not go very well for the future... Because it's much easier to recover from a short one than a long bad one... Very very true... And... I knew that if I continued to be with her, I would only be lying to her... Which I don't want to... I don't want to cause hurt... Especially not to a friend...
Well she was mad at me the rest of the day... Mad... Bitter... Whatever you name it, it's along those lines... I just let it rest and didn't want to continue arguing... In fact, the more you argue, the worse things get, and I didn't want things to get worse... I wanted us to continue being friends...
Well the next day at night, she seemed to have cooled down... We were talking normally again, which I was so relieved at... Praise God for that...
Either ways... I went out to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with SY today... Well, yeah we're still friends... After that I sent her home and we had a long LONG chat at the mamak at her condo... We had a great time, it was a VERY long time since we last chatted for so long... We went from talking about our faiths, Islam and Christianity to talking about our thoughts and how we so frequently think alike that it scares us both at times... I just miss talking to her. We share many things in common too...
And if missing things that I've felt before is part of emotions and feelings... I hope that means my emotions are coming back... I can't live my life like this, I can't help and be sympathetic about my friends without emotions... I had to give a life purpose statement, on that is totally unbiased, could be what you want regardless of faith... Mine was... That I would like to spend time with my friends and help them in every single way possible to the very end... And that I love and care for my friends, possible to a point where I love them more than I love myself...
After all, Jesus was and still is, the Friend of sinners... He's our friend... And He died on the cross for us... And we're supposed to look at Him as our role model... So why shouldn't I sacrifice more than normal for my friends...? Many people are hurting around us, we just don't see them untill we slow down and look closer... That's what I'm doing... And that's what I want to do... Of course, along the lines I hope to see them get saved too...
God... I know that I wished to be an angel before, to do Your will without emotion and doubt... But... I realise how important my emotions and feelings are to me in order for me to help my friends... For me to show that I care... Without them, everything just feels... Like a ritual in which I constantly go over and over and over again with... I can't live my mortal life like this... I pray that You will return to me all my emotions and feelings... That I may love and care and accept my friends more than I already do... That I can appreciate them more than I already do...
And SY... I'll definitely miss you when you go off for your student exchange program... I just hope that I can be satisfied seeing you online and readind your blog entries... I know it's still a long way to go, but I just want to say this in case I don't get another chance... I'll be here for you should you want someone to talk to, if it is ok for you to talk to me... I may not be much of a companion, but I'll do my best as I've done for A and other people that I've made my promise to... To you, I give also, my promise that I'll help in any way I can if I can... And I'll be that listening ear for you if you ever need someone to talk to and there's no one you can find... If possible, I WILL find a way ASAP... Take care... And no matter what happens, God loves you too.
posted by Liil Masks at 9:30 am
3 Comments:
You know what I had predicted? Who says nothing happened? Something did.
I actually predicted that you two will have a long and nice chat. (Knowing Kaede . . . she wouldnt miss one...LOL). And...the fact that whatever I heard from otehr forumers (or maybe one in particular) is true.
I am sorry that i've snag you when you are in depression. What you did to me (positively) is appreciated. I appreaciate everything you do. And never think that we dont. Just because we dont show we do, it doesnt mean we dont. We do, alright.
Angel. The highest of the highest.
May the Lord Bless You.
From A.
Lol. Don't I sound talkative XD XD I am quite curious about what the other forumers have been saying though, and I think I already have a good mind who it might be. Ah wells~
Thank you, once again for today and everything else. *hugs* It was really fun, and I enjoyed the nice long chat. Nice long chats are like.. rations to my soul ^_- I hope your mum wasn't serious about grounding you back then ^^;
Though it's freaky, I still enjoy the fact that I can practically read your mind half the time *lol*
-SY-
happiness. not happines.
sorry couldn't resist XD
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