Thou Shalt Not Use The Name of God in Vain
I've recently (to be exact about 3 days ago) gotten up with another girl... Yes, yet another one... That'll make her my sixth girlfriend -.-
She's a really nice girl, a Christian, self esteem ain't too high but she's good...
I don't know... Somehow... After breaking up with M... I just don't feel the fire anymore... Even when I was with SY, somehow... The fire just wasn't what I used to feel... It's as if... I'm not sure if I know how to love anymore...
And I admit, when I'm with A right now, sometimes I question myself "Am I just playing around?" My adrenaline just doesn't rush at all. My heart doesn't beat any faster, my hands don't go jittery (they never did anyway), my mind doesn't fill up with thoughts of her... I noticed this when I was with SY, that these signs were diminishing... It's as if... I'm going through a routine, a job, something I have to do...
I don't know... I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, A. I really like her as a friend, but... My feelings don't soar when I'm with you... I like your company, but the fire doesn't burn more than it should... I saw SY today too, chatted with her and even then, my feelings didn't rise to extremity at all... It's as if... I've forgotten how to... How to love...
Maybe not forgotten... More like subconciously preventing myself from allowing that emotion to fill me again... I still cannot get over being played for a fool... It's a bitter part of my life that is sticking to me because... I poured my heart and devotion into M... And yet...
BBT's scar still remains from that incident and Kil hates that scar... Kil doesn't want BBT to be hurt anymore and doesn't want to allow anything to hurt her... But BBT wants to be loved... She seeks love... And when the two minds which are one contradict each other, confusion arises...
I'm getting scared of this too... If I lose my capacity to love... What will I be...? I wouldn't be able to shower love upon my friends and those who are dear to me... I don't know what to do... Even right now, somehow I feel nothing as I type everything down... I know this is just plain wrong... But I don't know how to fix it... God please intervene... I can't allow this to happen...
Thou Shalt Not Use The Name of God in Vain
This part of my blog may or may not change the condition and the status in my family as my mother reads my blog from time to time too. I only hope that she will do what will make her happy, and hopefully it will be what God thinks is best.
It happened yesterday. I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party. I decided in the last minute to run over to the nearby shopping complex to buy gifts for the two birthday girls. When I reached home, my parents who had been out were back. I saw my stepfather at home, so in order to avoid interaction (which I know avoiding is wrong), I called my mom because my stepfather's car was blocking my car from exiting the house garden.
Apparently my stepfather heard my mother's ringtone and saw me outside. After speaking to my mom, she said that he was to move the car as she was putting my sister to sleep. He then yelled for my mom who was upstairs. She ran down wondering what had happened as I was opening the gate. I heard him utter unpleasent words about me, which I shall not state. Then as I moved into the garden towards my car, he came out and said that if I wanted to move the car I should ask him, not my mother. He then proceeded to create an utterly huge disturbance of my emotions by uttering the next sentence,"You come home and call mommy like that, you think you're God is it? Huh? You think you got car you're God is it?"
My anger boiled to the point which I really had to furiously fight back my innermost desire to lash out with my fists at him for claiming such things. I had not boiled to that point for an extremely long time. I quickly got into my car to avoid talking to him anymore and drove off.
I was mad. I floored the accelerator once or twice in frustration. If you're a Christian, one of the few remarks that can really set you either furious or utterly saddened is when a person says that you're not a Christian because Christians don't behave the way you do, or they say that you cannot possibly be a Christian because you've got a demon within you, or they claim that you think you're God.
As I drove to the place I was supposed to meet my friends, I summoned up the willpower to yell out "I REBUKE THIS ANGER IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! I REBUKE ALL THAT THAT MAN HAS SAID IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! I AM NOT GOD, I AM A MORTAL, GOD'S CREATION!". Yes, 'that man'. Even though I call him 'dad' out of formality, I do not wish to acknowledge him as anything related to being a father to me anymore. He pays for taxes and the loans (except for my car). So be it. He provides some for my family. So be it. But if there's one thing he's not, that's my father. I have no earthly father, and only one heavenly Father. If I turn metrosexual because of that, so be it. At least I will be more sensitive to people's needs.
Yes I am bitter about all that is happening around me right now. My friends whom I went to the 'party' with (we just ate dinner and talked a lot, more like we ate dinner and they talked a lot. I held my silence. And if I know one person, he'll say,"Wow you did? That's amazing, I didn't even notice.") didn't realise I wasn't myself that night. Only 1 person did and that's because I could not hold back my bitterness in my face. It just showed that I had gone through something unpleasent recently. Though I don't know why but she was the only one who saw it. Maybe because she was there as I got out of my car and I had changed my torn mask to a new one by the time I reached the group.
I may have gotten over my anger about what has happened, but I may not ever get over the bitterness of it. The utter helplessness of not being able to say anything to keep the peace in the house, to keep that bitterness from spreading to my mother whom I love so much (who will probably feel it thanks to this blog. But I need to be truthful).
I have said before that what I really want to do on this earth if I were given just a few more days/months to live was to be with my friends and those whom I love and just help them in any way possible without hesitation, and should the chance arise, to preach the Gospel to them and bring them to Christ. There was a saying that we should 'live every day as if it were our last'. I'm prepared to take the full brunt of the pain and suffering, be it physical or mental to help my loved ones and my friends. I'm living every day as if it would be my last - being with my friends and loved ones, helping them in their times of need and just being there for them. Should my body and mind be destroyed because of this, I pray that my friends have been blessed and that God will bless them the way I cannot.
My life, is for God, and for my friends and loved ones. Not for my own.
My emotions are coming back to me now. I need you A. Please dont leave me. I need you... If I've been bitter or bad towards you within these 3 days and more days to come, I ask that you'll forgive me. I realise that I need you. Yes I need God more than anything else, but I need you too...
She's a really nice girl, a Christian, self esteem ain't too high but she's good...
I don't know... Somehow... After breaking up with M... I just don't feel the fire anymore... Even when I was with SY, somehow... The fire just wasn't what I used to feel... It's as if... I'm not sure if I know how to love anymore...
And I admit, when I'm with A right now, sometimes I question myself "Am I just playing around?" My adrenaline just doesn't rush at all. My heart doesn't beat any faster, my hands don't go jittery (they never did anyway), my mind doesn't fill up with thoughts of her... I noticed this when I was with SY, that these signs were diminishing... It's as if... I'm going through a routine, a job, something I have to do...
I don't know... I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, A. I really like her as a friend, but... My feelings don't soar when I'm with you... I like your company, but the fire doesn't burn more than it should... I saw SY today too, chatted with her and even then, my feelings didn't rise to extremity at all... It's as if... I've forgotten how to... How to love...
Maybe not forgotten... More like subconciously preventing myself from allowing that emotion to fill me again... I still cannot get over being played for a fool... It's a bitter part of my life that is sticking to me because... I poured my heart and devotion into M... And yet...
BBT's scar still remains from that incident and Kil hates that scar... Kil doesn't want BBT to be hurt anymore and doesn't want to allow anything to hurt her... But BBT wants to be loved... She seeks love... And when the two minds which are one contradict each other, confusion arises...
I'm getting scared of this too... If I lose my capacity to love... What will I be...? I wouldn't be able to shower love upon my friends and those who are dear to me... I don't know what to do... Even right now, somehow I feel nothing as I type everything down... I know this is just plain wrong... But I don't know how to fix it... God please intervene... I can't allow this to happen...
Thou Shalt Not Use The Name of God in Vain
This part of my blog may or may not change the condition and the status in my family as my mother reads my blog from time to time too. I only hope that she will do what will make her happy, and hopefully it will be what God thinks is best.
It happened yesterday. I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party. I decided in the last minute to run over to the nearby shopping complex to buy gifts for the two birthday girls. When I reached home, my parents who had been out were back. I saw my stepfather at home, so in order to avoid interaction (which I know avoiding is wrong), I called my mom because my stepfather's car was blocking my car from exiting the house garden.
Apparently my stepfather heard my mother's ringtone and saw me outside. After speaking to my mom, she said that he was to move the car as she was putting my sister to sleep. He then yelled for my mom who was upstairs. She ran down wondering what had happened as I was opening the gate. I heard him utter unpleasent words about me, which I shall not state. Then as I moved into the garden towards my car, he came out and said that if I wanted to move the car I should ask him, not my mother. He then proceeded to create an utterly huge disturbance of my emotions by uttering the next sentence,"You come home and call mommy like that, you think you're God is it? Huh? You think you got car you're God is it?"
My anger boiled to the point which I really had to furiously fight back my innermost desire to lash out with my fists at him for claiming such things. I had not boiled to that point for an extremely long time. I quickly got into my car to avoid talking to him anymore and drove off.
I was mad. I floored the accelerator once or twice in frustration. If you're a Christian, one of the few remarks that can really set you either furious or utterly saddened is when a person says that you're not a Christian because Christians don't behave the way you do, or they say that you cannot possibly be a Christian because you've got a demon within you, or they claim that you think you're God.
As I drove to the place I was supposed to meet my friends, I summoned up the willpower to yell out "I REBUKE THIS ANGER IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! I REBUKE ALL THAT THAT MAN HAS SAID IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST! I AM NOT GOD, I AM A MORTAL, GOD'S CREATION!". Yes, 'that man'. Even though I call him 'dad' out of formality, I do not wish to acknowledge him as anything related to being a father to me anymore. He pays for taxes and the loans (except for my car). So be it. He provides some for my family. So be it. But if there's one thing he's not, that's my father. I have no earthly father, and only one heavenly Father. If I turn metrosexual because of that, so be it. At least I will be more sensitive to people's needs.
Yes I am bitter about all that is happening around me right now. My friends whom I went to the 'party' with (we just ate dinner and talked a lot, more like we ate dinner and they talked a lot. I held my silence. And if I know one person, he'll say,"Wow you did? That's amazing, I didn't even notice.") didn't realise I wasn't myself that night. Only 1 person did and that's because I could not hold back my bitterness in my face. It just showed that I had gone through something unpleasent recently. Though I don't know why but she was the only one who saw it. Maybe because she was there as I got out of my car and I had changed my torn mask to a new one by the time I reached the group.
I may have gotten over my anger about what has happened, but I may not ever get over the bitterness of it. The utter helplessness of not being able to say anything to keep the peace in the house, to keep that bitterness from spreading to my mother whom I love so much (who will probably feel it thanks to this blog. But I need to be truthful).
I have said before that what I really want to do on this earth if I were given just a few more days/months to live was to be with my friends and those whom I love and just help them in any way possible without hesitation, and should the chance arise, to preach the Gospel to them and bring them to Christ. There was a saying that we should 'live every day as if it were our last'. I'm prepared to take the full brunt of the pain and suffering, be it physical or mental to help my loved ones and my friends. I'm living every day as if it would be my last - being with my friends and loved ones, helping them in their times of need and just being there for them. Should my body and mind be destroyed because of this, I pray that my friends have been blessed and that God will bless them the way I cannot.
My life, is for God, and for my friends and loved ones. Not for my own.
My emotions are coming back to me now. I need you A. Please dont leave me. I need you... If I've been bitter or bad towards you within these 3 days and more days to come, I ask that you'll forgive me. I realise that I need you. Yes I need God more than anything else, but I need you too...
posted by Liil Masks at 10:08 am
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