Thursday, August 11, 2005

Times in a month

My area has been very very hazy for the past week... The smoke is so thick I can barely see 500m in front of me around my college area... I pity my friend who stays at the worse hit area... It's bad for health and is making everyone sick. Government even declared a National Emergency.


Well... My dad has been complaining a lot again... And I hate it when my mom would allow certain things but disallows them due to the fact that my dad will probably yell at her for allowing me. I mean, I'm 19, shouldn't I be having my freedom? Or do I have to stay chained down until I've moved out of the house and living on my own? If that's the case, the sooner I find a job that pays 2000 and above, the sooner I'll get to move out =.= I could still be going out, but I love my mother and I don't want it getting any worse for her than it already is. And to think that it's all mostly because of me. It makes BBT's heart break.


After driving around a lot recently in my car, I've begun to like driving. Yes though it's a dangerous hobby and cosnumes lots of petrol cash, I still like it. It tires me out without doing too much, I get to go places and see things by myself without having to wait for the uber slow public trains, and most of all, I get to escape from my house.


Yes, my house, not my home. A home is a place where you go to when you are hurt, when you seek comfort, when you need a refuge from the bitter cold and darkness the world is filled with. A home is filled with the love of a family. A house is merely where you stay, the piece of land of which a building is built with a roof to shelter you from the sun, rain and curious bugs and animals. A house is material, can be changed anytime as long as finances allow.

To put it in a more drastic sense, I have no home, no place to go to in fear and in doubt. No place to return to for happiness, healing and help. I only live in a house where my material possessions are. It serves nothing more than a bad memory I wish to keep in one dusty corner of BBT's poor tortured mind and keep it that way.

In some ways, I can't wait to grow up, to build my own family, to have my own place where I can call my home. Right now, if even close, my only home is my room. Many things BBT and I go through and share happen in my room. Maybe because it's just a private place for myself, I don't know. Though I wish to stay young forever because I really love youth, I can't deny the fact that I long to leave this place and build my own life story from scratch. I doubt I'll make a perfect, even a good one. I just hope that whoever I fall in love and marry in the future will only receive the best I can offer, and none of the ugly side of my background I don't want people to ever experience.

Yes. Once I get married, I will love my wife. I will follow my own definition of love, which will be based on the Crhsitian Bible, and love my wife. And I will love my children. If I should marry a divorced lady with children, I will love those children like I would love my own. I know it's easy to say and never easy to do, but regardless of what people say, I will do my best. I will love my family.




On a more random note, I had my period recently. If you don't know what that means, don't ask; you won't want to find out. I doubt I'd tell you anyway.

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