Dead
CF 2005 is over.
I realised I never invited my friends. Well, I DID tell them about CF, but never told them when and what time it was.
I'm so damned blurr.
Well, my group bagged the group competition trophy, making it twice in a row that we've taken it. We did a Naruto VS game performance based thing which really did turn out well. If you ask me, the only other performance which actually came close to being on par with us was the Bleach performance, in which they combined Bleach and Matrix elements (the slow moving stuff and a highschool japanese girl cosplayer multiplying into 2 A'la Smiths?). Even then, I have to say that it wasn't that impressive. And my group and I were so anxious before seeing them that they might even beat us -_- Not to say I'm overconfident or boasting and all, but I DO get involved in a lot of drama performances and I more or less know how well performances would be graded.
Still, I DO wish my friends were there. B, L and DA (omg BL?). But then again, it's far for B and L has no transport, and I dunno about DA. So... Yeah. I forgot anyway. Damned be my failing memory.
CF 2005 is just over and I'm already contemplating how to bag next year's group performance trophy. Well, I DO have that 'must win' spirit in certain stuff and when I put my heart into it, well... Let's just say that you've been warned not to get in my way. I've been telling my friends a lot that "a big part of my success comes from cheating techniques". And it's not the kind of cheating most people would define cheating. Basically, I don't break the rules. I just find another way to get things done which would be much more simpler than before, yet just as fascinating and exhilerating, if not more.
Oh, and a friend of mine, LYS has said that he wants to join my next year's group performance because I've "got the habit of winning these things". Well, not a bad way to be known I suppose.
I'm tired, even if it's 3 days after CF and I'm broke. For another 2 weeks. It's already 20th, how am I supposed to get presents for my cousins, friends and family when I've got literally no cash to spare? I don't mind not eating lunch for the next week, but I doubt RM60 is enough to buy... Suffice to say LOTS of people's presents. And I really do want to get them presents. And not just any good ol' RM10 or RM5 or card-type presents. I want to get them stuff that they'll remember me by.
Maybe that's why I mostly give girls soft toys. They're cute, cuddly, most girls love them, the ones I pick are mostly adorable and cute (and f###ing expensive which would cos me a week's allowance). Guys? Well... I really don't know what to give guys. I really wanna give B a good present, but I don't know what. I don't know how I'm gonna afford one either -_- The same goes for L, DA, my mom, my sister and my grandmother. I'm just... Broke.
So much for spending all my cash on CF. And more actually. I not only spent what I had, I took out from my loan account to pay for my food and other materials for the performance. It took a lot really. About 300-400. And what's more, I scratched my car TWICE in a week. Imagine that. That's another 600. Would've been more if I had stayed to pay the owner of the car (rather expensive local car) for the paint that came off and the dent in his front-left bumper. I know I should've, but I'm already broke as it is and my mom already helped pay the first scratch which I made after the TEG event, which cost 300. I am such a f###ing good son and an amazing good driver.
Before this, I entered me and my friend into a group cosplay competition in which we won the only prize there was - 1.5k cash. We decided to split it 600-600, then 100-100 for 2 friends who helped us a lot and 100 more for a food party. Only problem is, the money hasn't come. And it's about a week since we won it. And there are many complications to getting the cash in which I have no idea how to get it anyway. I just hope things turn out fine.
Well, that's that. Dead? Because I should be. I've made lots of people's lives miserable. Especially my exes. Most of them would be better off without me (in which most would be about 4 vs 2, that's most of them out of 6) ever intruding into their lives. And it would've been better to be friends with CSY than to ever try to get involved with her. I still like her a lot though. But then again, I like a lot of girls whom I find cute. I'm a blardy flirt and a playboy.
In the worlds of Bruce Nolan from the show Bruce Almighty, "Smite me, almighty smiter".
Btw God, that wasn't really aimed at you. It's just aimed at some random person who would gladly 'smite' me for no particular reason. Or just for the fun of it. Seriously though, I'm really depressed right now. I know I don't show it, but I know that You know. I'm tired, though my group's won the trophy the 2nd time in 2 years which would make it twice in a row (in which I'm still quite proud of), I feel that too many sacrifices have been made for it. I mean, I got lazy to bring my best friend to the hospital in which he could obtain the analysis from my surgeon friend from the test results. It's pretty much an important situation, but I neglected it. My best friend too. I spent so much cash in which I know that my mom could use more of on things that don't really matter, like more food to feed my ungrateful appetite and stomach. And scratching up my car TWICE in a week. That is just stupid. That is just plain stupid and a big waste of much needed money in my mother's life. What the heck am I doing??? I'm just... Wasting cash. Exactly like my stepfather 'wants' me to. He keeps saying that I'm wasting cash, that I have no bloody discipline, and best of all, that I'm a bloody idiot. Well, I hope he's happy, cuz I'm sure I'm everything he wants me to be right now. And more I suppose.
God. Help me. I'm in need of you more than ever right now. I've been backsliding (not like I haven't for the past... 1-2 years). I've been doing stuff I'm not supposed to do. I've been sinning in Your eyes, over and over and over again. I'm more of a devil in disguise than an angel in danger of falling. Though I really wish I was angel. That'd be cool. No emotions, no thoughts, no choice. Just to do Your will and Yours alone. Wow. The perfect life, isn't it...?
HM. I just gave you my address so I know you'll read this sooner or later. To answer your question properly - yes. I DO miss you. In fact, I miss you a hell lot. When my mind has stopped focusing on the particular situations at hand, when I'm not busying myself with things that I should and should not be doing (like playing games all the time), I find that my mind wanders off to you. The days we spent together, the times that we had that were filled with both happiness and hurt. I remember them. And I miss them. I miss you. Not just because I haven't seen you in a long time. But because I feel that you mean much more to me than just a distant memory. A distant memory of an ex-girlfriend. Much more than just being the aqcuaintance relationship we're at now.
But I don't want anything right now. Other than God directly intervening in my life to save me from the mess I've made myself in. Like the last time He did. When He brought you into my life. But that's besides the point. I'm not in any relationships right now, and I don't want to be in one. I'm going against my heart's desire to be in one, but I shouldn't. I musn't. For the sake of everyone. Except mine I guess.
About going with the flow... I'm sorry B, but I can't promise you that. There will be times I will, of that I'm sure, but on the whole... I don't want to be normal. Not anymore at least. I've been born into this world a special person, and I'm going to remain that way. Unless of course, God tells me not to. I don't want to be like anyone else. I'm going to be like me, for who I am. That's why I invented my own Character with my own Nickname - Ki1/\/\@515 @2(4/\/iu/\/\. The name 'Ki1/\/\@515' can't be found anywhere else other than referring to me.it's that special. I've admired characters and people, but overall, I'm still myself. Ki1/\/\@515is still Ki1/\/\@515, and no one else. Many people may say that they've "gone through what I've gone through", but no one can tell me that they've done exactly what I've done with the exact same thoughts in mind. I don't want to be the same as everyone else. In the words of Haku - "He has the same eyes as I did. The eyes that seek to prove to the world of his own existence."
And I'm sorry B, for lashing out at you the last time we spoke online. I was... Feeling rather flushed with things going on. Though I still stand on my grounds that some things should be done, I'll leave God to help you find that out, if what I stand on is right in the first place. If not, may God correct me in His time and His ways.
God bless you all.
I realised I never invited my friends. Well, I DID tell them about CF, but never told them when and what time it was.
I'm so damned blurr.
Well, my group bagged the group competition trophy, making it twice in a row that we've taken it. We did a Naruto VS game performance based thing which really did turn out well. If you ask me, the only other performance which actually came close to being on par with us was the Bleach performance, in which they combined Bleach and Matrix elements (the slow moving stuff and a highschool japanese girl cosplayer multiplying into 2 A'la Smiths?). Even then, I have to say that it wasn't that impressive. And my group and I were so anxious before seeing them that they might even beat us -_- Not to say I'm overconfident or boasting and all, but I DO get involved in a lot of drama performances and I more or less know how well performances would be graded.
Still, I DO wish my friends were there. B, L and DA (omg BL?). But then again, it's far for B and L has no transport, and I dunno about DA. So... Yeah. I forgot anyway. Damned be my failing memory.
CF 2005 is just over and I'm already contemplating how to bag next year's group performance trophy. Well, I DO have that 'must win' spirit in certain stuff and when I put my heart into it, well... Let's just say that you've been warned not to get in my way. I've been telling my friends a lot that "a big part of my success comes from cheating techniques". And it's not the kind of cheating most people would define cheating. Basically, I don't break the rules. I just find another way to get things done which would be much more simpler than before, yet just as fascinating and exhilerating, if not more.
Oh, and a friend of mine, LYS has said that he wants to join my next year's group performance because I've "got the habit of winning these things". Well, not a bad way to be known I suppose.
I'm tired, even if it's 3 days after CF and I'm broke. For another 2 weeks. It's already 20th, how am I supposed to get presents for my cousins, friends and family when I've got literally no cash to spare? I don't mind not eating lunch for the next week, but I doubt RM60 is enough to buy... Suffice to say LOTS of people's presents. And I really do want to get them presents. And not just any good ol' RM10 or RM5 or card-type presents. I want to get them stuff that they'll remember me by.
Maybe that's why I mostly give girls soft toys. They're cute, cuddly, most girls love them, the ones I pick are mostly adorable and cute (and f###ing expensive which would cos me a week's allowance). Guys? Well... I really don't know what to give guys. I really wanna give B a good present, but I don't know what. I don't know how I'm gonna afford one either -_- The same goes for L, DA, my mom, my sister and my grandmother. I'm just... Broke.
So much for spending all my cash on CF. And more actually. I not only spent what I had, I took out from my loan account to pay for my food and other materials for the performance. It took a lot really. About 300-400. And what's more, I scratched my car TWICE in a week. Imagine that. That's another 600. Would've been more if I had stayed to pay the owner of the car (rather expensive local car) for the paint that came off and the dent in his front-left bumper. I know I should've, but I'm already broke as it is and my mom already helped pay the first scratch which I made after the TEG event, which cost 300. I am such a f###ing good son and an amazing good driver.
Before this, I entered me and my friend into a group cosplay competition in which we won the only prize there was - 1.5k cash. We decided to split it 600-600, then 100-100 for 2 friends who helped us a lot and 100 more for a food party. Only problem is, the money hasn't come. And it's about a week since we won it. And there are many complications to getting the cash in which I have no idea how to get it anyway. I just hope things turn out fine.
Well, that's that. Dead? Because I should be. I've made lots of people's lives miserable. Especially my exes. Most of them would be better off without me (in which most would be about 4 vs 2, that's most of them out of 6) ever intruding into their lives. And it would've been better to be friends with CSY than to ever try to get involved with her. I still like her a lot though. But then again, I like a lot of girls whom I find cute. I'm a blardy flirt and a playboy.
In the worlds of Bruce Nolan from the show Bruce Almighty, "Smite me, almighty smiter".
Btw God, that wasn't really aimed at you. It's just aimed at some random person who would gladly 'smite' me for no particular reason. Or just for the fun of it. Seriously though, I'm really depressed right now. I know I don't show it, but I know that You know. I'm tired, though my group's won the trophy the 2nd time in 2 years which would make it twice in a row (in which I'm still quite proud of), I feel that too many sacrifices have been made for it. I mean, I got lazy to bring my best friend to the hospital in which he could obtain the analysis from my surgeon friend from the test results. It's pretty much an important situation, but I neglected it. My best friend too. I spent so much cash in which I know that my mom could use more of on things that don't really matter, like more food to feed my ungrateful appetite and stomach. And scratching up my car TWICE in a week. That is just stupid. That is just plain stupid and a big waste of much needed money in my mother's life. What the heck am I doing??? I'm just... Wasting cash. Exactly like my stepfather 'wants' me to. He keeps saying that I'm wasting cash, that I have no bloody discipline, and best of all, that I'm a bloody idiot. Well, I hope he's happy, cuz I'm sure I'm everything he wants me to be right now. And more I suppose.
God. Help me. I'm in need of you more than ever right now. I've been backsliding (not like I haven't for the past... 1-2 years). I've been doing stuff I'm not supposed to do. I've been sinning in Your eyes, over and over and over again. I'm more of a devil in disguise than an angel in danger of falling. Though I really wish I was angel. That'd be cool. No emotions, no thoughts, no choice. Just to do Your will and Yours alone. Wow. The perfect life, isn't it...?
HM. I just gave you my address so I know you'll read this sooner or later. To answer your question properly - yes. I DO miss you. In fact, I miss you a hell lot. When my mind has stopped focusing on the particular situations at hand, when I'm not busying myself with things that I should and should not be doing (like playing games all the time), I find that my mind wanders off to you. The days we spent together, the times that we had that were filled with both happiness and hurt. I remember them. And I miss them. I miss you. Not just because I haven't seen you in a long time. But because I feel that you mean much more to me than just a distant memory. A distant memory of an ex-girlfriend. Much more than just being the aqcuaintance relationship we're at now.
But I don't want anything right now. Other than God directly intervening in my life to save me from the mess I've made myself in. Like the last time He did. When He brought you into my life. But that's besides the point. I'm not in any relationships right now, and I don't want to be in one. I'm going against my heart's desire to be in one, but I shouldn't. I musn't. For the sake of everyone. Except mine I guess.
About going with the flow... I'm sorry B, but I can't promise you that. There will be times I will, of that I'm sure, but on the whole... I don't want to be normal. Not anymore at least. I've been born into this world a special person, and I'm going to remain that way. Unless of course, God tells me not to. I don't want to be like anyone else. I'm going to be like me, for who I am. That's why I invented my own Character with my own Nickname - Ki1/\/\@515 @2(4/\/iu/\/\. The name 'Ki1/\/\@515' can't be found anywhere else other than referring to me.it's that special. I've admired characters and people, but overall, I'm still myself. Ki1/\/\@515is still Ki1/\/\@515, and no one else. Many people may say that they've "gone through what I've gone through", but no one can tell me that they've done exactly what I've done with the exact same thoughts in mind. I don't want to be the same as everyone else. In the words of Haku - "He has the same eyes as I did. The eyes that seek to prove to the world of his own existence."
And I'm sorry B, for lashing out at you the last time we spoke online. I was... Feeling rather flushed with things going on. Though I still stand on my grounds that some things should be done, I'll leave God to help you find that out, if what I stand on is right in the first place. If not, may God correct me in His time and His ways.
God bless you all.
posted by Liil Masks at 8:20 am
2 Comments:
well, i'm not too sure what exactly is going on in ur dear life.. but u know what.. im sensing that u haf a lot of hurt and anger in u.. harboured and kept in for far too long. *sighs* brian, let me give u a small piece of advice from this humble life of mine.. dont strife too hard to b different.. in the end, u end up being who ur not. i know that u are special.. God made each and every1 of us differently, therefore we are all special, different from every1 else. But also, u hafta understand, its not a bad thing to b normal. Being normal doesnt mean that ur not special anymore. never forget that. and yes, ppl may say that they have been in the same situations as u have been, and u say that they cant haf done the exact same thing, i agree. because they are not you. But God put these people in our lives for a reason. Like for example, if ur facing a particular problem that another has faced before, they could shed some light on the outcome of things. God places these people in our lives to help us out in times of adversity. Dont shut these people out. Dont just say to urself, "oh, they are not me so they dont know what theyre talkign abt".
Brian, i honestly do care about u as a friend, but i feel that ur prolly too scared to let any1 into ur life. maybe u've been hurt too many times before.. but its time to let go.. when we finally put behind our pain, and look ahead of us, that is when we start learning, when we start growing and maturing. God puts adversities in our lives to help us grow. Dont waste that opportunity by being afraid.
Lastly, know that u always have a friend in me. no matter how busy i might seem or how i might not understand u, give it a try. sometimes people might suprise you. And don't ever think that ur burdening other people if u open up. Ur not. We, as ur friends are just here to lend u a helping hand and an ear. we dont mind. coz we know.. at the end of the day, u'd b there too if we needed it, right?
take carez~
Dude, 1st up.. congrats on your CF thingy!~ =) winning something important to us for 2 years running is definitely a great feeling! haahaah.. i should know, i've won my drama competition for 3 years running before and it felt great! =D
2nd, chill about the check-up results aight.. it's not that i'm in much of a hurry to get it but my parents and my friends really wanna know.. ahahaha, so yeah.. again i'm hurrying cuz of pestering.. =p and ermmm.. from now on, would you please just put my initials as B and not BL? dude, 'boy love?' hahahha... dudeeeee!~ hahahhaha.. =p but yeah, i still owe you a lot for taking me to do my check-up in the 1st place so no sweat aight? as long as i get it in the end, it's cool by me.. ahah
3rd, no sweat about not going with the flow.. and it's good enough that you do once in awhile cuz not everyone goes with the flow the entire time.. sometimes we just wanna be different and do things against the flow... it's actually quite normal to not go with the flow.. haha.. =p
4th, dude!!~ hahaha.. it's okay about the lashing out man.. i know that i deserved that.. been feeling that i've been falling quite far from who i used to be and that's not a good thing.. i actually got to do a lot of thinking after that short lashing by you and because of that lashing, i was actually kinda pissed and that helped in my futsal match which my team won and me getting on the score sheet 5 times! hahaha.. =p you should lash at me more often whenever i have futsal matches..
Lastly, chill man.. we all go through hardships in life and that's something that is unavoidalbe in life.. but dude, how the hell did you scratch your car twice in a week? =S i think it's because of all the drifting that you've been doing and the burnouts... ahahha.. it's seriously wearing off the grip from your tyres! lol.. i'm such a bad influence to you man.. =p but yeah, chill, relax and don't tense so much! when things doesn't really go smoothly, know that it's in God's will that it's happening the way it is.. everything will eventually work out for the better and don't expect too much.. cuz just incase things doesn't turn out the way we want it to, we won't be soo dissapointed.. and what diane commented is true.. though you don't show it, there seems to be a lot of hurt and anger in you.. let it out once in awhile will ya? no one will distance themselves away from you if you do.. cuz that's what friends are for.. 'the befrienders!' haahahaah.. well, i'll be seeing you soon to get my results.. you take care man.. see you soon.. =) ciao!
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