Giving In To The Tide
Haven't updated something that's worth reading in a while.
Living a single life isn't as bad as I thought. I've made some really wonderful new friends, had some really funny and fun times.
But it still is around those lines. The bad part of a single life, I mean.
I guess it's mainly because I get attracted to girls who have certain features that really... well, attract me. Features like a really cute personality yet mature and serious when the time calls for it... A petite body (call me a pedofile, whatever, I still like petite girls compared to voluptious ones. No, I'm not a female-chest addict)... And certain cute voices...
But I guess the feature that really gets me going is...
The amount of attention they will give to me...
Many many adult friends of mine have said that I'm an attention seeker. Basically I enjoy lots of attention.
Well, I'll have to say now that it is only partially correct.
I may be an attention seeker, but I'm not someone who will settle for attention from a whole crowd.
No. I seek PERSONAL attention.
A person's full attention on me.
A single person.
Quality over quantity.
The full attention of a single person only when compared to a crowd of people, to me, is far more valuable.
And hard to get.
I guess it would be from the lack of attention i received in my childhood days. I'm not sure, but from what I can simulate in my mind about my past, I don't think I had much attention at all.
I know this is going to hurt some parts of someone who also reads this blog, but this person also needs to know. I know that this person will want to know, and it's always best for this person to know, whether or not it'll hurt them.
But know this, I don't blame you. You know who you are. I don't blame you. A person's got to do what they can to fulfill their part of burdens that are given to them.
There were times when I really wanted to spend time with my mother. A lot of them anyway. I remember when my mom set this 'reward sheet' up many many years back. When I was good, she would give me a star to stick on it. And when I was good for a whole week, she'd either give me a matchbox car (now the leading brand is hotwheels), or play some games with me on the TV game console we had (before the days when computers where considered a neccessity and not a luxury to have. No ps then even). I remember once when I chose to spend time playing with her instead. But everytime she came home, she was really tired and asked if I could postphone it to the next day. I did. I waited. But for a few days in a row, she was just too exhausted to spend some time playing with me. In the end one day, she promised that she wouldplay with me. I stayed up really late to wait for her to come back. My grandmother who took care of me at that time had already gone to bed. Still I waited. I played while waiting for my mom to come back. When she did, she was exhausted as usual. But she promised. So I asked her if she would play with me. She tried to postphone it to another day, but I wouldn't let her. It had been a week ago that she postphoned it, and I already had collected another week's worth of stars. In the end, she gave in and played 1 or 2 games with me, which ended really fast.
I asked her to continue playing with me, but she said that she was tired. Finally, she asked if she could buy me two matchbox cars instead - 1 for last week and 1 more for this week. It was at that time that I realised she couldn't play with me anymore. Work and time was going ahead of her and she was losing her breath trying to catch up to them.
Ever since that day, I never opted to have her play with me on the console. If I remmeber properly, a few weeks after that I stopped remembering to collect stars for my weeks. It didn't stop me from doing what I would've done to get those stars, but I didn't bother to ask for them anymore. I had enough of cars. I wanted... Companionship, something I had lacked for some time. Shifting knidergartens (pre-school) 3 times did not exactly help with me getting into good friendships that I would remember. In fact, I hardly remember anything about my pre-school days or the people in them, other than my favourite teacher named Sham (indian) and dancing with NurKhadirah (schoolmate) for the year-end annual performance. And the malay song that we danced to (I still remember the stupid chorus for crying out loud). And the fact that I was usually 'let out early' from class simply because I could not concentrate in class and was making too much of a fuss disturbing other kids than the teacher could bother to handle. Oh, and I always saw kids learning taekwondo during a certain time, and that I never dared to go upstairs. I did once halfway, I think cuz I was crying and wanted Cikgu Sham (as I called her, Cikgu being Teacher in malay). Instead some other teacher carried me down. I didn't like it, but I didn't struggle.
I just... Gave in.
From the day I left kindergarten and entered primary school till the day I left primary, I never found a truly close friend I could really talk to. In fact, I never traveled in any group of friends at all. I was fired from being a prefect in simply because I was a problem child for handing up homework. On time and finished.
I never had a group of friends I could depend to always run around and play with. The only time I did was when the Gasing (Malay version for Spinning Tops) Craze came in. I played it, liked the game, and played well. I developed new tricks that I taught other people. Finally, I was beginning to be recognised as not just another kid in class.
I even got into playing bottlecaps and 5-stones with the guys and girls respectively. I got good at both games and pretty soon, I was on par with the best in the school, if not beating them already.
I was still not found in any groups of friends. I walked alone. Wheverever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Without a group around me.
Through Form 1-3, I didn't get to know anyone I could really click with. Except a guy named GT (yeah initials again) whom I knew from having malay language tution with during my primary school days. Even then, I walked alone. He was just a friend whom I knew, someone whom I could occasionally ask light and medium favours from time to time.
When I had reached Form2/3, I got to know 2 very interesting people - ELTF and PAPS. Both of them were girls who possessed good spoken and written english. The three of us were the best in the school for English, always competing with each other to get the highest marks in English.
Of course, the both of them were the good students with the good results. I was just another above average, if not average student.
Then in the later years of Form 3, I got to know a friend named ICQX closer. He was a funny guy, I found. Weird, but funny. We got closer in form 4 and walked around together mostly. He was another person like me - walking around by himself without a bunch of friends to be with. Then finally in Form 5, we got really close. Simply because he got involved in an accident which fractured his right leg, and I was right there to help him to school every day, carrying his bags and helping him up the stairs.
He has a close group of friends now though. Consisting of a few guys and girls. I admire him for that.
It's something I always wanted.
A close group of friends who will contact you whenever they're planning an outing. ICQX and his friends have been up cameron and recently, genting highlands together (cameron is a mountain area that is mainly known for growing fresh plants and strawberries. Genting highlands is a theme park on top of a mountain). I just wish that could really happen.
Right now, I'm not sure if I really have a close group of friends. I told a person in his blog that "They can be your close friends only if you choose to allow them to be. If you block them away, they can never be your close friends. You have to allow them and open to them before they can help you". Looks like I could really use that piece of advice right now.
I've got two groups of friends really. Mainly my college mates (whom I can actually say I'm quite close with, though there are some things about the two girls that I really cannot stand) and my CF mates (MY, BNYL, CSJ). MY calls me from time to time to watch movies with her. Usually she calls another guy (CSJ) as well, but many times CSJ hasn't been able to turn up and I end up watching a movie with her. yes, it could look that way, but I'm sure that she wouldn't want anyone to. And I'm sure I know why. Even if she wanted one, I'm sure I won't be in the list. Probably the furthest withing the realms of those whom she can tolerate.
It still burns down to this - I'm tired. Extremely tired. Maybe it's because of the preperations for an upcoming event in which I really want to win the cosplay competition (cosplay = costume playing, dressing up as a character you like and acting like them). My group (with the script thought up by me) last year bagged the first prize. I want to bag it again this year. I just hope we can.
And while I'm there, I've made a new group of friends (all guys) namely DBBS, CSN and AF. They all mostly speak cantonese. And well, they're really nice people to be with. Fun really. And they really care about me.
Well, at least for now. I still don't know if they're just tolerating me until after the event.
I'm lonely. I miss HM. I miss AVOSY (one of the girls I know from the event's forum. She's really cute and cuddly, I really really miss her a lot. Don't know why). I miss CSP and JK. It may be weird, but I miss EC too. For those who know the past between me and EC, yeah I know it's weird. But I do.
I think I've been given the gift to lift people's spirits up when they're really really feeling low. I've been able to make a person laugh when they're crying through the net.
If it is a gift from God, I must say thanks God. I've put it to good use.
Now if only it works for myself.
I've giving in to the tide of the world. After fighting the tide for so long, my roots are getting lose. My foundation is melting away and I'm being pounded on every day. I don't know how long more I can last, but as long as I can, I will.
And Thank you God for everything you've done.
Bless BL, LY, DA, and all my friends. Bless the rest of the people of the world too.
And bless you. For reading this post. Good night/morning.
Living a single life isn't as bad as I thought. I've made some really wonderful new friends, had some really funny and fun times.
But it still is around those lines. The bad part of a single life, I mean.
I guess it's mainly because I get attracted to girls who have certain features that really... well, attract me. Features like a really cute personality yet mature and serious when the time calls for it... A petite body (call me a pedofile, whatever, I still like petite girls compared to voluptious ones. No, I'm not a female-chest addict)... And certain cute voices...
But I guess the feature that really gets me going is...
The amount of attention they will give to me...
Many many adult friends of mine have said that I'm an attention seeker. Basically I enjoy lots of attention.
Well, I'll have to say now that it is only partially correct.
I may be an attention seeker, but I'm not someone who will settle for attention from a whole crowd.
No. I seek PERSONAL attention.
A person's full attention on me.
A single person.
Quality over quantity.
The full attention of a single person only when compared to a crowd of people, to me, is far more valuable.
And hard to get.
I guess it would be from the lack of attention i received in my childhood days. I'm not sure, but from what I can simulate in my mind about my past, I don't think I had much attention at all.
I know this is going to hurt some parts of someone who also reads this blog, but this person also needs to know. I know that this person will want to know, and it's always best for this person to know, whether or not it'll hurt them.
But know this, I don't blame you. You know who you are. I don't blame you. A person's got to do what they can to fulfill their part of burdens that are given to them.
There were times when I really wanted to spend time with my mother. A lot of them anyway. I remember when my mom set this 'reward sheet' up many many years back. When I was good, she would give me a star to stick on it. And when I was good for a whole week, she'd either give me a matchbox car (now the leading brand is hotwheels), or play some games with me on the TV game console we had (before the days when computers where considered a neccessity and not a luxury to have. No ps then even). I remember once when I chose to spend time playing with her instead. But everytime she came home, she was really tired and asked if I could postphone it to the next day. I did. I waited. But for a few days in a row, she was just too exhausted to spend some time playing with me. In the end one day, she promised that she wouldplay with me. I stayed up really late to wait for her to come back. My grandmother who took care of me at that time had already gone to bed. Still I waited. I played while waiting for my mom to come back. When she did, she was exhausted as usual. But she promised. So I asked her if she would play with me. She tried to postphone it to another day, but I wouldn't let her. It had been a week ago that she postphoned it, and I already had collected another week's worth of stars. In the end, she gave in and played 1 or 2 games with me, which ended really fast.
I asked her to continue playing with me, but she said that she was tired. Finally, she asked if she could buy me two matchbox cars instead - 1 for last week and 1 more for this week. It was at that time that I realised she couldn't play with me anymore. Work and time was going ahead of her and she was losing her breath trying to catch up to them.
Ever since that day, I never opted to have her play with me on the console. If I remmeber properly, a few weeks after that I stopped remembering to collect stars for my weeks. It didn't stop me from doing what I would've done to get those stars, but I didn't bother to ask for them anymore. I had enough of cars. I wanted... Companionship, something I had lacked for some time. Shifting knidergartens (pre-school) 3 times did not exactly help with me getting into good friendships that I would remember. In fact, I hardly remember anything about my pre-school days or the people in them, other than my favourite teacher named Sham (indian) and dancing with NurKhadirah (schoolmate) for the year-end annual performance. And the malay song that we danced to (I still remember the stupid chorus for crying out loud). And the fact that I was usually 'let out early' from class simply because I could not concentrate in class and was making too much of a fuss disturbing other kids than the teacher could bother to handle. Oh, and I always saw kids learning taekwondo during a certain time, and that I never dared to go upstairs. I did once halfway, I think cuz I was crying and wanted Cikgu Sham (as I called her, Cikgu being Teacher in malay). Instead some other teacher carried me down. I didn't like it, but I didn't struggle.
I just... Gave in.
From the day I left kindergarten and entered primary school till the day I left primary, I never found a truly close friend I could really talk to. In fact, I never traveled in any group of friends at all. I was fired from being a prefect in simply because I was a problem child for handing up homework. On time and finished.
I never had a group of friends I could depend to always run around and play with. The only time I did was when the Gasing (Malay version for Spinning Tops) Craze came in. I played it, liked the game, and played well. I developed new tricks that I taught other people. Finally, I was beginning to be recognised as not just another kid in class.
I even got into playing bottlecaps and 5-stones with the guys and girls respectively. I got good at both games and pretty soon, I was on par with the best in the school, if not beating them already.
I was still not found in any groups of friends. I walked alone. Wheverever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Without a group around me.
Through Form 1-3, I didn't get to know anyone I could really click with. Except a guy named GT (yeah initials again) whom I knew from having malay language tution with during my primary school days. Even then, I walked alone. He was just a friend whom I knew, someone whom I could occasionally ask light and medium favours from time to time.
When I had reached Form2/3, I got to know 2 very interesting people - ELTF and PAPS. Both of them were girls who possessed good spoken and written english. The three of us were the best in the school for English, always competing with each other to get the highest marks in English.
Of course, the both of them were the good students with the good results. I was just another above average, if not average student.
Then in the later years of Form 3, I got to know a friend named ICQX closer. He was a funny guy, I found. Weird, but funny. We got closer in form 4 and walked around together mostly. He was another person like me - walking around by himself without a bunch of friends to be with. Then finally in Form 5, we got really close. Simply because he got involved in an accident which fractured his right leg, and I was right there to help him to school every day, carrying his bags and helping him up the stairs.
He has a close group of friends now though. Consisting of a few guys and girls. I admire him for that.
It's something I always wanted.
A close group of friends who will contact you whenever they're planning an outing. ICQX and his friends have been up cameron and recently, genting highlands together (cameron is a mountain area that is mainly known for growing fresh plants and strawberries. Genting highlands is a theme park on top of a mountain). I just wish that could really happen.
Right now, I'm not sure if I really have a close group of friends. I told a person in his blog that "They can be your close friends only if you choose to allow them to be. If you block them away, they can never be your close friends. You have to allow them and open to them before they can help you". Looks like I could really use that piece of advice right now.
I've got two groups of friends really. Mainly my college mates (whom I can actually say I'm quite close with, though there are some things about the two girls that I really cannot stand) and my CF mates (MY, BNYL, CSJ). MY calls me from time to time to watch movies with her. Usually she calls another guy (CSJ) as well, but many times CSJ hasn't been able to turn up and I end up watching a movie with her. yes, it could look that way, but I'm sure that she wouldn't want anyone to. And I'm sure I know why. Even if she wanted one, I'm sure I won't be in the list. Probably the furthest withing the realms of those whom she can tolerate.
It still burns down to this - I'm tired. Extremely tired. Maybe it's because of the preperations for an upcoming event in which I really want to win the cosplay competition (cosplay = costume playing, dressing up as a character you like and acting like them). My group (with the script thought up by me) last year bagged the first prize. I want to bag it again this year. I just hope we can.
And while I'm there, I've made a new group of friends (all guys) namely DBBS, CSN and AF. They all mostly speak cantonese. And well, they're really nice people to be with. Fun really. And they really care about me.
Well, at least for now. I still don't know if they're just tolerating me until after the event.
I'm lonely. I miss HM. I miss AVOSY (one of the girls I know from the event's forum. She's really cute and cuddly, I really really miss her a lot. Don't know why). I miss CSP and JK. It may be weird, but I miss EC too. For those who know the past between me and EC, yeah I know it's weird. But I do.
I think I've been given the gift to lift people's spirits up when they're really really feeling low. I've been able to make a person laugh when they're crying through the net.
If it is a gift from God, I must say thanks God. I've put it to good use.
Now if only it works for myself.
I've giving in to the tide of the world. After fighting the tide for so long, my roots are getting lose. My foundation is melting away and I'm being pounded on every day. I don't know how long more I can last, but as long as I can, I will.
And Thank you God for everything you've done.
Bless BL, LY, DA, and all my friends. Bless the rest of the people of the world too.
And bless you. For reading this post. Good night/morning.
posted by Liil Masks at 11:01 am
4 Comments:
oww... i'm not a friend? .__. go pasar malam next week (if i can get a job, or i'll be standing watching you all eat)!!!!! XDXD
awh. nice post! its so nice to see so many peoples name in your blog, always. i never see mine xDD but it doesnt matter.
*pokes u*
duuude. <_< *hugs* u better be comin to the xmas dinner man...at least stop by...
Son,
I don't know how I got to miss this blog "Giving in to the tide". I didn't know that I had hurt you so badly then, leaving such a big scar in your life. I didn't know how horrible a mother I was. I knew I wasn't a very good mom but I loved you when you were a baby; I loved you even when you were the naughtiest boy in school; I loved you when I cudn't get you to do your homework and I still love you very very much now when I can't get you to go to bed. You're the pride of my life and you are what I could never be. I have made many mistakes in life and each one of them had affected your life. I'm so sorry I've messed you up.
Now that I can pray, I'm praying everyday for you - especially for God to show you His Abba Father love.
All I can say is that God, our Abba Father will put things right for you. Our Heavenly Father will shower you with His abundant love, to the brim and overflowing. He will set you right as He has set you apart when you were only 12. Continue to seek Him and He will show you the way. From my experience we are often required to take steps of obedience. We need to read His Word, consistently, faithfully, before His Word can become alive and speak to us. We need to have personal devotions, quiet time worshipping, praying and reading His Word before we can experience His guidance. We need to be in a relationship with Him to experience how personal and intimate and real He is.
I love you, son and I submit you to our Father in Heaven.
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