Pierce My Heart With A Sword

I won't run out of topic for this one. I'll go straight into the point.

(Already ran out of topic there... and here -_-)



I just read someone's blog. Yes, I've forsaken my computer games and spent every night back to reading blogs. Well, at least the blogs of the people that I know well enough to understand what's going on in their lives.


And frankly, halfway reading through one of my friend's blogs...

Whatever the title of this entry says; it fits the description perfectly.


Well maybe not so perfect since I will never know how it really feels like to have a sword pierced through my heart (probably).



My heart... Just sank when I read through her (yes her -___- Most of the blog addresses I have are girls'... Oh please don't ask. I've had enough of that) blog. MPL (her nick for MY blog heh) went through a lot of stuff that... Well... Let's just say I know some of them all too well... The feeling of wanting someone to hold you close when you need them the most... But reaching out and finding that there's no one there by your side... Grasping the air, hoping someone will catch your hand and help you up... But finding that reality and fantasy do not coincide...


You see, it's not that I have not opened up before. It's that I have. But... It was a grave mistake to. I, by nature, trust people too easilly, and am therefore very vulnerable to people who take advantage of others. I have experienced many times when this opening has led many to laugh and look down upon me. Feeling the sense of shame and disgust for myself led me to understand that the world is not as nice as I had believed that it could be.

I still trust people very easilly. However, I have come to learn how to guard myself against threats and attacks against the softer parts of myself in which I had so openly exposed before. That's why I "don't open to anyone". Cuz... Well, I don't want to get hurt anymore. I want to be prepared for everything. That's why I'm calm. That's why I don't panic. Because I've predicted most of the possible outcomes of what I do, and try to prepare myself for them. I can't be prepared if I open myself to attacks. So I close. DTA - Don't Trust Anyone.

Well, technically I still do trust people, but only to a certain extenct, unless I don't have a choice. There's a reason why I prefer to do stuff either solo, or as a group member and not the group leader. Cuz as the group leader, I need to rely on my fellow teammates to do their work. If they don't, I'm to blame. And I'll need to cover for them. If I'm a group member, I don't have to worry about them as much. Maybe that's why I'm not so good as a group leader. I prefer doing things alone...



Back to where I was...


I felt really heartbroken when I read MPL's blog... Some things really should not be experienced by other people... Well, at least not the people I care for... Not for the people I care for...




God, if possible, I ask that You'll lighten the emotional load on my friends... It really hurts me deeply to know that they're going through similiar experiences that I've been through before and AM going through right now... However if You feel that it IS required of them to better mould them into the people You want them to be... Then so be it... But I ask that You'll allow me or someone into their lives to hold them when they're down... Especially the non-believers... I ask that You'll always watch over them and if I can help with it, I pray that You'll COMMAND me to... Please God... Don't let my friends suffer... I... Love my friends...