KickStart
Why does everyone think a good kick in the arse will make EVERYONE move?
I got into a fight with CSY today over the MSN. It was mainly about me not getting a job and my reasons to it.
It was long. About 15 minutes I think. Probably less, I'm not too sure. But it ended at 4am though.
It didn't quite work out well. All she ever did say was (to summarize into the simplest and littlest words) "Go get a job, Earn an income, Go WORK, Stop being lazy and complaining filled with self-pity, IF THIS ISN'T MOTIVATION I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS, I can't help you".
Don't quote me or her on that, I basically summarized the whole thing. It may not be what she thinks she said, but it sounded that way to me, so this is strictly from my PoV only.
Well... That's really what just about EVERYONE says. Go get a job, be independant, get a life, everyone else is working except you...
One thing nobody ever took to know though - I never did feel peer pressure. I never belonged to my peers in the first place, so I've never really actually felt the need to excell better than they have. I've always done above average without really trying, and I've been satsified at that, knowing that I can do better if I wanted to.
Maybe that's one of the (few) downfalls of not having a peer group to join and click into.
*sigh* well... I ended the conversation with this:
"I want to hear what EVERYBODY ELSE doesn't say, but coincides with what they tell."
CSY claimed that I 'didn't know what I want'.
I know the sentence contradicts itself from a simple glance. And maybe I was wrong about saying that there are no underlaying words there. I guess there are.
What everyone's been trying to do is 'kickstart'. ie. kick from behind to start engine rolling.
I've been kicked, punched, slapped, spat and laughed at for my whole life. My step-father didn't spare me any of that either. And my mom not understanding how much it affects me doesn't help.
I don't need to be kicked any more than I already have. Already I get it almost every day.
I don't want more.
I've got extra sensitive emotions for those who still don't know, (not like anyone reads this blog anyway, save for 1 person whom I recently gave the address out to... Shoutout for you, blogreader! Hie lol) and I have extra thick FAT to block it. Usually it's thick skin, but I use FAT cuz FAT keeps stuff in (I think at least, i visualize it as a greenhouse effect). If someone insults me in any way, be it friendly or really meaning it, I take it in. Whether I like it or not.
Maybe you don't understand, so I'll demonstrate (sorta). If someone who doesn't like me tells me I'm an idiot, it goes straight to my emotions. If a FRIEND lightly punches me on the arm and says "hey idiot", it ALSO goes straight to my emotions. Maybe less in substance, but it still does. Call it thinking too much, sensitive, stupid, whatyoulike. That's what happens, regardless of whether I like it or not. Like I said, it's not that I WANT it, it's that I CAN'T HELP IT. People don't see that it hurts cuz like I said, I've got the FAT. I can hide it pretty easilly. I've rarely burst out in public (except being annoyed, which is very often) for extreme emotions (crying badly, so mad that I yell out really really loud, well laughing out loud is not counted). I can really keep it easilly. But it doesn't help, does it?
A cut on one's arm will heal over time. A cut to one's soul will never mend.
I really don't know... I DO know that I made CSY annoyed today... And she was just being nice to try and help...
But really... I've heard all that over and over and over again from just about EVERYBODY. Save for my grandmother, who knew just how it feels, and knew what to say... But then again, somehow we're just so much alike. She went through a lot of emotional hurt during her days, and I'm going through mine with my 'extra-sensitive-emotions' and my step-father. She faced plenty of rejection, I've faced rejection from all my peer groups. She values being there for her friends' emotional needs very highly, I do too.
So yeah, I'm very much like her I guess. Which makes it rather unfair cuz she knows what to say.
Just 1 more person. Just ONE more...
God...
Yes, like CSY said,
I'm ashamed of what I've become
I'm ashamed to be YOUR creation
I'm ashamed to be known as a Christian in this state
I'm ashamed to have been created in Your image...
All this because... I do nil justice to show to others who You are
And I fail to motivate myself out of this problem
I fail to pick myself up
I lean onto other humans for support
When I should be leaning onto You
Yet I have not learned how to really lean on You for support for the most important decisions in my life
Teach me o Lord
to be... less of a shame to You
And your Creation
And your Church
I beg of You on bended knees,
my face to the floor
and my arms stretched out
in total submission
and in total nakedness
to Your supreme and divine person
that is You
God, I ask that my blog-readers be blessed
If there are any at all
Especially the single one whom I've given my trust to
Goodnight...
I got into a fight with CSY today over the MSN. It was mainly about me not getting a job and my reasons to it.
It was long. About 15 minutes I think. Probably less, I'm not too sure. But it ended at 4am though.
It didn't quite work out well. All she ever did say was (to summarize into the simplest and littlest words) "Go get a job, Earn an income, Go WORK, Stop being lazy and complaining filled with self-pity, IF THIS ISN'T MOTIVATION I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS, I can't help you".
Don't quote me or her on that, I basically summarized the whole thing. It may not be what she thinks she said, but it sounded that way to me, so this is strictly from my PoV only.
Well... That's really what just about EVERYONE says. Go get a job, be independant, get a life, everyone else is working except you...
One thing nobody ever took to know though - I never did feel peer pressure. I never belonged to my peers in the first place, so I've never really actually felt the need to excell better than they have. I've always done above average without really trying, and I've been satsified at that, knowing that I can do better if I wanted to.
Maybe that's one of the (few) downfalls of not having a peer group to join and click into.
*sigh* well... I ended the conversation with this:
"I want to hear what EVERYBODY ELSE doesn't say, but coincides with what they tell."
CSY claimed that I 'didn't know what I want'.
I know the sentence contradicts itself from a simple glance. And maybe I was wrong about saying that there are no underlaying words there. I guess there are.
What everyone's been trying to do is 'kickstart'. ie. kick from behind to start engine rolling.
I've been kicked, punched, slapped, spat and laughed at for my whole life. My step-father didn't spare me any of that either. And my mom not understanding how much it affects me doesn't help.
I don't need to be kicked any more than I already have. Already I get it almost every day.
I don't want more.
I've got extra sensitive emotions for those who still don't know, (not like anyone reads this blog anyway, save for 1 person whom I recently gave the address out to... Shoutout for you, blogreader! Hie lol) and I have extra thick FAT to block it. Usually it's thick skin, but I use FAT cuz FAT keeps stuff in (I think at least, i visualize it as a greenhouse effect). If someone insults me in any way, be it friendly or really meaning it, I take it in. Whether I like it or not.
Maybe you don't understand, so I'll demonstrate (sorta). If someone who doesn't like me tells me I'm an idiot, it goes straight to my emotions. If a FRIEND lightly punches me on the arm and says "hey idiot", it ALSO goes straight to my emotions. Maybe less in substance, but it still does. Call it thinking too much, sensitive, stupid, whatyoulike. That's what happens, regardless of whether I like it or not. Like I said, it's not that I WANT it, it's that I CAN'T HELP IT. People don't see that it hurts cuz like I said, I've got the FAT. I can hide it pretty easilly. I've rarely burst out in public (except being annoyed, which is very often) for extreme emotions (crying badly, so mad that I yell out really really loud, well laughing out loud is not counted). I can really keep it easilly. But it doesn't help, does it?
A cut on one's arm will heal over time. A cut to one's soul will never mend.
I really don't know... I DO know that I made CSY annoyed today... And she was just being nice to try and help...
But really... I've heard all that over and over and over again from just about EVERYBODY. Save for my grandmother, who knew just how it feels, and knew what to say... But then again, somehow we're just so much alike. She went through a lot of emotional hurt during her days, and I'm going through mine with my 'extra-sensitive-emotions' and my step-father. She faced plenty of rejection, I've faced rejection from all my peer groups. She values being there for her friends' emotional needs very highly, I do too.
So yeah, I'm very much like her I guess. Which makes it rather unfair cuz she knows what to say.
Just 1 more person. Just ONE more...
God...
Yes, like CSY said,
I'm ashamed of what I've become
I'm ashamed to be YOUR creation
I'm ashamed to be known as a Christian in this state
I'm ashamed to have been created in Your image...
All this because... I do nil justice to show to others who You are
And I fail to motivate myself out of this problem
I fail to pick myself up
I lean onto other humans for support
When I should be leaning onto You
Yet I have not learned how to really lean on You for support for the most important decisions in my life
Teach me o Lord
to be... less of a shame to You
And your Creation
And your Church
I beg of You on bended knees,
my face to the floor
and my arms stretched out
in total submission
and in total nakedness
to Your supreme and divine person
that is You
God, I ask that my blog-readers be blessed
If there are any at all
Especially the single one whom I've given my trust to
Goodnight...
posted by Liil Masks at 1:01 pm
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