An Update
Well hie blog, again... it's been a long long while since I've blogged... May 11th, it seems... Wow it's been realy really long... ><
Well... It's mainly really because I've been lazy and... yeah lazy...
I'm supposed to have found a job by now, supposed to be up and about on my job and earning some income... And supposed to pay back that governent loan I took...
*sigh* I really don't know... I'm still having some mild phobias from my last job (the internship thing)... And mom doesn't seem to understand... Yeah she knows, i've been telling her over and over again... But she doesn't... understand...
There's a difference between knowing and understanding, you know? Like... "I know how you feel" and "I UNDERSTAND how you feel" are two really big different things... One means you know, yes it's head knowledge, and a possible guess at what the person's feeling, and maybe a name to it too, like "depression" or "grief".
It's so different from UNDERSTANDING. Understanding means that you've been through a similar situation that made you grieve so much, and know very very much how the person is feeling right now cuz you've been through it before. THAT is understanding.
She knows. She doesn't understand.
Only a close friend could understand. She was the only one who gave advice that I could accept. Even though it was similar to the other nags i've gotten from the general public about "It's not al like that" or "Geez you have to work sooner or later" or "You think that's a problem? wait till you see mine", she gave it to me with heartfelt concerns. You can hear it in her voice. That and I KNOW she's been through the same thing, her tone was different, the words she used were different. That was the only advice I could ever accept from anyone. Only from her.
Nobody else ever did show they understood. They just nagged. And criticised.
Where is the love?
I'm a person too, a friend to some, a close friend to a small few, a councellor friend to some too. I have feelings, happiness and hurt too. I feel sad and depressed too.
The difference is I tend to dwell on them more than others would. Insults and criticism that are merely meant to brush by can sometimes bruise me, scar me, or even cut me.
A cut on the flesh will heal in time, but a cut to the soul will never mend.
Well, I'm also back and obsessed in this online game called RO (Ragnarok Online). I've only been playing it for two months going three and I'm already an above average player, able to kill most average people and have above average networth. I've surpassed all my friends (or rather acquaintances) who introduced me to the server, and have enough power to kill them in PVP (player versus player, this is where attacking players are allowed) rooms. To put it short (and in no way lifting myself up with pride cuz these ARE facts and i'm just saying them), I'm good. NOt VERY good, but good.
Yes, I admit it's an obsession. But it's not just the game I'm obsessed about.
It's the community of friends that I've come to acquire.
I've made some really nice friends in the game, and we even have a forum now to chat and keep in touch when the server's down. Though ever since the upgrade they've hardly come online (that and the holidays just ended and the Malaysian people I know are going back to school), I still see some of them here and there. I really love chatting and just hanging out with them.
It's also the first time I had a serious religious argument in-game. I admitted defeat, and I still don't think I'm wrong, but it was a good argument and I've gotten closer with that person as well.
That and through the game, I've actually gotten closer with CNJC (don't know if I mentioned her before, I think I did). She's a friend from the japanese comic and cosplay forum i'm (used to be) in.
Before this I hardly ever talked to her. I guess I could say I liked her then, but never really had a chance to get to know her.
Even though I do real smooth talk and flirt easilly with friends and all, I find it so hard to get to know new people who're just oblivious to you trying to get to know them. It sucks. I suck.
Well, anyway through the game, I've come to know her better. We've actually chatted on Skype (internet chat program), and she's trusted me enough to allow me to read her lj and her rants. She trusts me enough to even tell me her problems with her boyfriend and all.
Well, at this point I've come to accept her as a friend (on the internet, still don't know how I'd do in real life), and I've 'flirted' with her some online. Mild stuff.
Yes I know I'm flirting. Well, I don't know it when I do them, I just see it as random 'suggestions' that i know my friends will never accept OR challenge me back, it's all friendly thingy, nothing intended. Only when i sit back and reflect on it do i realise i'm actually flirting.
I'm serious.
Anyway, yeah... I still do like her, and I'm willing to give up time for her just to be with her and chat with her, listen to her problems and help her out anywhere/anyway possible.
Heck I help her in-game. I guess that's a start.
The problem is though... I like her.
And she has a BF.
Their relationship is mostly a physical one (from what she tells me). It hangs on the physical side of a relationship. She wants to be with him (they stay a good 3 hour drive apart, around there), and she wants to... Well, have him around.
On the other hand, the emotional side of the relationship, the one where he listens to her problems, tries to help her, fails and tries and fails, all that... Well from the way she tells me, he doesn't do them. She apparently (recently) cut off a call from him on Skype cuz he was yawning away at the cam and wouldn't apologise (i think).
I seriously don't know...
Oh yeah she's a Christian. She doesn't seem to give much about her faith, but she being a Christian is still a major factor.
Then there's this girl in church, I'll call her SP. She's nice, sweet and all.
As usual, she's got a BF.
Well, we're still friends, I'm hoping to keep it at that. We're definitely not JUST acquaintances, but nice friends. That's about it I guess.
I kinda like her a little. She's really nice to me.
But her chin freaks me out a bit. She's got the chin that sticks out forwards a little on a side profile. I dunno, but I really don't like that kinda chin. It gives me the feeling that she's really nasty or something.
Thenthen, there's this girl in the RO game.
I married her ingame. I'll call her RSS.
She's a really headstrong girl, independant, doesn't give much of a shit kinda girl.
Well she can be sweet when she wants to, and nice when she wants to.
She's an ex-gymnast and ex-cheerleader. She still keeps fit. She lives like 1/2 hour to 1 hour drive away from my place.
She HAD a boyfriend.
I seriously don't know anymore. I kinda like her too, cuz we're all lovey dovey in-game, and we sms each other goodnight at times. Well, we ARE wedded couples in-game and all.
But the problem is.... I really don't see us going anywhere. She's 17 this year, 4 years my junior.
Sure that's not a problem when she's older. But at the moment, I really don't see us going anywhere.
For one, her attitude is really really REALLY a lot like ECYL, my 3rd gf. Which could be disastrous if things happened.
For two, she just broke up with an 8-month (i think) boyfriend, and she's taking it well. Well, she was pissed upset and annoyed for a few days, but she's fine now. Still, we kinda got back together (we were supposed to get married ages ago but some stuff happened between us and we didn't, then we had a good talk about her being too headstrong and all cuz she really pissed off a lot of people at one time, then she spilt her beans about her breaking up and stuff and we talked and she accepted my advice. It was really nice, really), married and yeah... But that's after her bf broke up with her. I could be the 'replacement' guy, cuz as you know peoplea fter breakups are unstable, and they sorta look for 'replacement's' immediately, with no fault of their own. It's a psychological thing.
Oh and she's not a Christian. She's a Buddhist, does some Buddhist stuff (like go to temple at times), but that's about it. I dont know how strong her faith in her belief is, but it doesn't look like a lot.
Still, she's not a Christian. That's a major factor.
*sigh* well I really don't know... I really really kinda like CJC. I really really pity her and wanna help her with her problems and all. But I fear I may do too much and hamper her relationship. She seems happy enough with her relationship at the moment, though she really does wish her bf would be more sensitive. MUCH more sensitive.
That and RSS is really nice (atm, don't know if she'd turn out exactly like ECYL)... We've got a lot of (sad) similarities, and I really do UNDERSTAND how she feels in situations too. We share a lot in common really.
But as they say, opposites attract and the same polars push each other away.
*sigh*
I've been sighing a lot lately... I've been rethinking about what to do in life, and I've come to realise that I really DON'T KNOW what I want to do...
I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what I want to be...
But I would really REALLY love to listen to my friends' problems and help them through in any way possible...
That's all I really wanna do...
God...
I'm a terrible Christian... I should be, and AM ashamed to call myself one...
Sure I put on a good Christian form in front of people, but when I'm alone... I'm no Christian at all...
I'm living a fake life in front of my friends, and another life on my own...
I really really wish that my hands would burn everytime I touched a cross, just to show how bad I am and to remind myself to stop sinning...
But that's illogical, and I'm pretty sure You won't do such a thing...
So all I can ask, God...
is...
When will it be 'The New Day'...?
God, bless my blog readers (if there are any at all)...
Good night...
Well... It's mainly really because I've been lazy and... yeah lazy...
I'm supposed to have found a job by now, supposed to be up and about on my job and earning some income... And supposed to pay back that governent loan I took...
*sigh* I really don't know... I'm still having some mild phobias from my last job (the internship thing)... And mom doesn't seem to understand... Yeah she knows, i've been telling her over and over again... But she doesn't... understand...
There's a difference between knowing and understanding, you know? Like... "I know how you feel" and "I UNDERSTAND how you feel" are two really big different things... One means you know, yes it's head knowledge, and a possible guess at what the person's feeling, and maybe a name to it too, like "depression" or "grief".
It's so different from UNDERSTANDING. Understanding means that you've been through a similar situation that made you grieve so much, and know very very much how the person is feeling right now cuz you've been through it before. THAT is understanding.
She knows. She doesn't understand.
Only a close friend could understand. She was the only one who gave advice that I could accept. Even though it was similar to the other nags i've gotten from the general public about "It's not al like that" or "Geez you have to work sooner or later" or "You think that's a problem? wait till you see mine", she gave it to me with heartfelt concerns. You can hear it in her voice. That and I KNOW she's been through the same thing, her tone was different, the words she used were different. That was the only advice I could ever accept from anyone. Only from her.
Nobody else ever did show they understood. They just nagged. And criticised.
Where is the love?
I'm a person too, a friend to some, a close friend to a small few, a councellor friend to some too. I have feelings, happiness and hurt too. I feel sad and depressed too.
The difference is I tend to dwell on them more than others would. Insults and criticism that are merely meant to brush by can sometimes bruise me, scar me, or even cut me.
A cut on the flesh will heal in time, but a cut to the soul will never mend.
Well, I'm also back and obsessed in this online game called RO (Ragnarok Online). I've only been playing it for two months going three and I'm already an above average player, able to kill most average people and have above average networth. I've surpassed all my friends (or rather acquaintances) who introduced me to the server, and have enough power to kill them in PVP (player versus player, this is where attacking players are allowed) rooms. To put it short (and in no way lifting myself up with pride cuz these ARE facts and i'm just saying them), I'm good. NOt VERY good, but good.
Yes, I admit it's an obsession. But it's not just the game I'm obsessed about.
It's the community of friends that I've come to acquire.
I've made some really nice friends in the game, and we even have a forum now to chat and keep in touch when the server's down. Though ever since the upgrade they've hardly come online (that and the holidays just ended and the Malaysian people I know are going back to school), I still see some of them here and there. I really love chatting and just hanging out with them.
It's also the first time I had a serious religious argument in-game. I admitted defeat, and I still don't think I'm wrong, but it was a good argument and I've gotten closer with that person as well.
That and through the game, I've actually gotten closer with CNJC (don't know if I mentioned her before, I think I did). She's a friend from the japanese comic and cosplay forum i'm (used to be) in.
Before this I hardly ever talked to her. I guess I could say I liked her then, but never really had a chance to get to know her.
Even though I do real smooth talk and flirt easilly with friends and all, I find it so hard to get to know new people who're just oblivious to you trying to get to know them. It sucks. I suck.
Well, anyway through the game, I've come to know her better. We've actually chatted on Skype (internet chat program), and she's trusted me enough to allow me to read her lj and her rants. She trusts me enough to even tell me her problems with her boyfriend and all.
Well, at this point I've come to accept her as a friend (on the internet, still don't know how I'd do in real life), and I've 'flirted' with her some online. Mild stuff.
Yes I know I'm flirting. Well, I don't know it when I do them, I just see it as random 'suggestions' that i know my friends will never accept OR challenge me back, it's all friendly thingy, nothing intended. Only when i sit back and reflect on it do i realise i'm actually flirting.
I'm serious.
Anyway, yeah... I still do like her, and I'm willing to give up time for her just to be with her and chat with her, listen to her problems and help her out anywhere/anyway possible.
Heck I help her in-game. I guess that's a start.
The problem is though... I like her.
And she has a BF.
Their relationship is mostly a physical one (from what she tells me). It hangs on the physical side of a relationship. She wants to be with him (they stay a good 3 hour drive apart, around there), and she wants to... Well, have him around.
On the other hand, the emotional side of the relationship, the one where he listens to her problems, tries to help her, fails and tries and fails, all that... Well from the way she tells me, he doesn't do them. She apparently (recently) cut off a call from him on Skype cuz he was yawning away at the cam and wouldn't apologise (i think).
I seriously don't know...
Oh yeah she's a Christian. She doesn't seem to give much about her faith, but she being a Christian is still a major factor.
Then there's this girl in church, I'll call her SP. She's nice, sweet and all.
As usual, she's got a BF.
Well, we're still friends, I'm hoping to keep it at that. We're definitely not JUST acquaintances, but nice friends. That's about it I guess.
I kinda like her a little. She's really nice to me.
But her chin freaks me out a bit. She's got the chin that sticks out forwards a little on a side profile. I dunno, but I really don't like that kinda chin. It gives me the feeling that she's really nasty or something.
Thenthen, there's this girl in the RO game.
I married her ingame. I'll call her RSS.
She's a really headstrong girl, independant, doesn't give much of a shit kinda girl.
Well she can be sweet when she wants to, and nice when she wants to.
She's an ex-gymnast and ex-cheerleader. She still keeps fit. She lives like 1/2 hour to 1 hour drive away from my place.
She HAD a boyfriend.
I seriously don't know anymore. I kinda like her too, cuz we're all lovey dovey in-game, and we sms each other goodnight at times. Well, we ARE wedded couples in-game and all.
But the problem is.... I really don't see us going anywhere. She's 17 this year, 4 years my junior.
Sure that's not a problem when she's older. But at the moment, I really don't see us going anywhere.
For one, her attitude is really really REALLY a lot like ECYL, my 3rd gf. Which could be disastrous if things happened.
For two, she just broke up with an 8-month (i think) boyfriend, and she's taking it well. Well, she was pissed upset and annoyed for a few days, but she's fine now. Still, we kinda got back together (we were supposed to get married ages ago but some stuff happened between us and we didn't, then we had a good talk about her being too headstrong and all cuz she really pissed off a lot of people at one time, then she spilt her beans about her breaking up and stuff and we talked and she accepted my advice. It was really nice, really), married and yeah... But that's after her bf broke up with her. I could be the 'replacement' guy, cuz as you know peoplea fter breakups are unstable, and they sorta look for 'replacement's' immediately, with no fault of their own. It's a psychological thing.
Oh and she's not a Christian. She's a Buddhist, does some Buddhist stuff (like go to temple at times), but that's about it. I dont know how strong her faith in her belief is, but it doesn't look like a lot.
Still, she's not a Christian. That's a major factor.
*sigh* well I really don't know... I really really kinda like CJC. I really really pity her and wanna help her with her problems and all. But I fear I may do too much and hamper her relationship. She seems happy enough with her relationship at the moment, though she really does wish her bf would be more sensitive. MUCH more sensitive.
That and RSS is really nice (atm, don't know if she'd turn out exactly like ECYL)... We've got a lot of (sad) similarities, and I really do UNDERSTAND how she feels in situations too. We share a lot in common really.
But as they say, opposites attract and the same polars push each other away.
*sigh*
I've been sighing a lot lately... I've been rethinking about what to do in life, and I've come to realise that I really DON'T KNOW what I want to do...
I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what I want to be...
But I would really REALLY love to listen to my friends' problems and help them through in any way possible...
That's all I really wanna do...
God...
I'm a terrible Christian... I should be, and AM ashamed to call myself one...
Sure I put on a good Christian form in front of people, but when I'm alone... I'm no Christian at all...
I'm living a fake life in front of my friends, and another life on my own...
I really really wish that my hands would burn everytime I touched a cross, just to show how bad I am and to remind myself to stop sinning...
But that's illogical, and I'm pretty sure You won't do such a thing...
So all I can ask, God...
is...
When will it be 'The New Day'...?
God, bless my blog readers (if there are any at all)...
Good night...
posted by Liil Masks at 2:45 pm
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