I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

when hope was high and life worth living...



~~~~~~~
Emo part here. Scroll down to skip >.>


I found out the reason.

It wuz because of this thing that you're reading right now.

Yeah, my blog.

It was against my better judgement to give her the links. Still, I did. Heh.

I... Just wanted it to be different. I didn't want to follow the same routine that I wrote up, to first get close, be friends, get closer, and finally decide to stretch my hand out.

Instead, I decided to jump. Haha.

Stupid stupid me.

Oh well, I know it's my fault. I don't blame her for wanting to put some distance between us.

And well... Being the person I am, I will respect that. Much as I want to msg her every time I see her name online, I won't.

Bah. Gotta really focus to kick these kinda thoughts out of my head.

~~~~~



Non-Emo part.


You know what I recently found out?

I can focus. Focus extremely well.

I can focus really well during practice sessions, and during performance times. Seriously.

I know I always play around and crack lame jokes everywhere all the time, but when the time comes and attention is really really needed (as in serious bits of feedback and stuff, directions and whatnot), I find that I don't even need to put an effort to stay awake. My mind suddenly tunes in and focuses really really well.

Usually I need to pull a lot of energy into focusing on something. Just that alone can make me really tired. Like planning something, remembering details of things I need to do and other stuff like that.

But when it comes to performing arts, I don't need to commit my entire self just to listen. My mind just... Just stops everything and tunes in automatically.

I really love that. It makes me feel... That I belong somewhere.

That I, usually the joker who runs around not paying attention, having a slight Attention Deficit Disorder problem, can pull my whole body into focus for something.

That I can do SOMETHING right.

I wanna just keep on performing. Forever.

I don't ever want to stop.

Why would I want to practice and practice non-stop? To the point of extreme exhaustion? Feeling sad that a practice session is over even if it was vigorous, tiring and took 3 hours?

Because... Because this is where I feel ALIVE.

Alive.

And doing something right.

For perhaps, for once in my life.

I have so many regrets in life. Mistakes I've done I know I can never undo. All I can do is remember them, warn others about them, use them to help people who go through the same thing, and...

And dwell on them, replaying those moments of my life, wondering why I was ever so stupid.


And in the end, I'm not the 'hyperific person' that I portray myself to be. On the outside, everyone sees me as someone fun, someone who'll always be in a good mood, someone filled with energy. And to a small few who have told me, someone who inspires and energizes others around me. For those who have said this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do not know how much it means to me.

No. On the inside, when I'm alone with myself and my thoughts, I feel bitter towards the world, and towards life. Bitter for the emotional hardships that I've had to endure for the sake of my loved ones. I can stand physical hardships, but not emotional. My fields of grass has been torn up so many times that I've had to build solid steel walls to protect what's left of what had once been a field of flowers lit in sunlight.

But even these steel walls are a double edged sword. While they protect what I have left from the outside, they confine the things inside, denying it of the sunlight and the fresh air it needs to thrive.

So in the end, I encase it, watching it wither away slowly.

If I keep it in, I protect it, yet I kill it.

If I tear down those walls, 1 final crush could destroy it. Yet, there would be hope of allowing it to breathe once more, and live.


You know what I chose.


I know which is the better option.

I just don't dare to.

I'm waiting for someone to knock on that door and prove themself of a pure reason before I dare open the door.



I wonder...

~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a look at myself in the mirror one day.

For the rest of that entire day, I felt dislike for myself.

I didn't like the way I look. I felt that I looked horrid and boring. That... There wasn't much of me to look at.

The only redeeming factor would be my hair, as beautiful as I've always kept it to be.

But the rest of me... Isn't even worth taking a second glance.

It enclosed around me again, that familiar self pity. And knowing no defence against it, I let it dwell again.



God, save me.

~~~~~~~~~~


God

Bless my blogreaders.

I also found out, HM still reads my blog, occasionally. Bless her too.

And of course, Ben, Ivan, Jas, Jun, and Sylkis, who doesn't read my blog anymore due to obvious reasons.

It's alright.

I'll live. I just pray that Your will be done, for it is more important than anything else.

I'll sacrifice everything I have, from my happiness to my free will if it will bring Your kingdom to pass.

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.


Goodnight.